Saints Party Prep
A Saints Row Christmas Story
*Bzzt, Bzzt, Bzzt, Bzzt*
The boss of the Third Street Saints and former POTUS slowly opened up his eyes to stare at the alarm clock. 10 o'clock. He turned under the purple sheets and stared at the ceiling, hearing the TV in the next room of the uptown Stillwater home after he turned off the purple Johnny Gat themed alarm clock.
"Always the early riser, even when up till 3 a.m planning parties with Kinzie," Magnus mumbled to himself.
After he climbed out of the bed and closed the bedroom door behind him, Magnus made his way towards the kitchen to warm up something warm to wake him up.
"Rise and shine on the Eve of Christmas Maggy! I already made you hot chocolate. Get over here, we have plans to finalize!"
The younger twin sister of Magnus, Megan, sat on the couch watching Toon Saints on the massive 100" flat screen TV. Johnny the Cat had just dropped a flaming anvil on what was a cartoon cow in red named Mooro, a comical depiction of the long dead Maero as a cow. Megan was basically the second leader of the Saints. No one said anything but everyone never questioned it when she did the "boss" type things her brother did. Picking up the surprisingly warm Freckle Bitches burger and the cup of coco, he then vaulted over the couch, smoothly not spilling a single drop.
"What did you two concoct for tonight," he asked sipping the drink and then taking a bite.
"Not tonight, for tomorrow. We're throwing a Christmas Dinner and we need to make sure we've got everything. Of course it's our job but Kinzie gave us a list similar to what she gave us while in Zinyak's simulation. Something about it being familiar and difficult to screw up, I don't know."
"Uh huh," Magnus mumbled through another sip. When he got through that, he asked, "So when should we get started?"
Megan held up a Freckle Bitches burger of her own.
"When we finish the first Freckle Bitches burgers made since their reopening yesterday and this episode of Toon Saints," she answered.
The two toasted their burgers together.
*30 Minutes Later in a purple Bootlegger*
"So what's first on the agenda Kinzie," Megan asked on the phone.
"First you need to fill up your gas tank. You will run out of gas in about 30 miles and given your nature for getting into high speed chases, you will need the fuel," came the red-head's reply.
"Damn it Kinzie, how do you even know what is in here," Megan asked looking all over her brother's car. "This one doesn't even have that kind of modern day tech shit to send that kind of information anywhere!"
"I installed one. The last time you ran out of fuel during a mission, Pierce whined about the bullets in his car for a month. I can't take that kind of torture again."
"Coming from someone who likes pain, I'm surprised," Magnus joked.
An annoyed sigh could be heard over the phone, "Physical pain is one thing, mental pain another. Mental pain caused by Pierce? I'm surprised you didn't make that a form of torture when you were president. Now quit stalling and get to it. I don't want to give away my position!"
Then a click was heard and the line was dead.
Megan rolled her eyes, "How many times is this now that she is trying to hide?"
Magnus shrugged, "Since Shaundi and Oleg taking her to the hospital this morning? From what you told me, 14. Alright then, to the Gassing Through."
*At the Gassing Through's counter to pay*
"Again I apologize for the inconvenience. We'll make sure to get the pay at the pump working as soon as possible," the attendant said again.
"It's fine man," Magnus responded looking at the news on the TV above the clerk.
The man with the orange hair was concluding his speech, "And I promise that my cabinet and I will work our hardest to fix the mess our last president and vice president made of our country. It was a YUGE mistake letting gang members run the best country in the world. Together, we will make America great again!"
"How the hell did we lose the re-election to him and that fish faced woman Maggy?"
Magnus shrugged as he started to pull cash from his wallet to pay for the gas, "I don't know. You think saving the planet from aliens would have helped synch the nomination."
Megan adjusted her jacket, "Maybe Kinzie was right. We probably shouldn't have mentioned that the planet got nuked by the real life version of the Death Star."
Suddenly the two's phone rang and when they answered them, they almost went deaf from the gun shots that rang in their ears.
"Hey, we need some back up here! That new company is trying to move in on our turf! You got to help us out here at the Friendly Fire on Gat Avenue," Pierce shouted into Megan's ear.
"Hey boss, we need some help here. Pierce flipped off some of those white supremacists at the Friendly Fire on Gat Avenue. We could really use some help here," Shaundi explained frantically.
"Great, another mess of theirs to solve," the twins said simultaneously.
Without another word, the two left but unbeknownst to Magnus, he left his wallet on the counter. The clerk didn't realize it as he was pondering the future of the next four years until the Bootlegger sprang to life and he was staring down the barrel of a gang banger's gun. One that wasn't in 3rd Street Saint colors.
*Outside a Friendly Fire*
"And what did we learn Pierce," Magnus asked.
"Not to flip off the new skin head gang," the former Communications Director mumbled.
"Especially when," Megan followed up.
"Especially when you're outnumbered two to ten," he answered.
"And why else," Shaundi pressed.
"Because we have a job to do and shouldn't piss off Kinzie in her current state."
"Correct," the three saints said in unison.
"Now get ready, we got more buzzed heads coming and Johnny is on his way with some Saints Back up," Shaundi said loading a fresh clip into her SMG.
When more Nazi skin heads arrived in their trucks and cars, the four saints went to town on the New Reich. When the battle was finished, the noticed something as Johnny was poking around the corpses and the injured after the bosses left: a car driving way to fast.
"Out of the way," Gat shouted as everyone took cover.
The car sped right past them and right in the direction Magnus and Megan went. Gat could have sworn he heard someone say something as a box was dropped out the open driver's side window. He shouted another warning and dove out of the way just in time as said box blew up. Johnny dialed Megan's number to give them a heads up.
*Walking outside the grocery store with groceries*
Megan checked her wallet as she questioned her brother about the high speed chase a little bit ago after the gun fight, "Jesus, I'm glad Gat called. Whoever that idiot in the Infuego was, seemed to have a bone to pick. Wasn't that the Storm's colors on the car?"
Magnus unlocked his car's trunk as he responded, "Probably. Black and Orange right? Good thing you're a heck of a shot despite being in a moving car. Whoever that was had some balls."
The blonde patted under her jacket where her two pistols Bruce and Sigourney were holstered.
"Good thing Bruce is as accurate as ever am I right. I hope that asshole is lying in a pile of snow and garbage in that alley. Did we get everything from here?"
Magnus nodded his head as he checked off the boxes of the mental checklist he made of the necessary food and drinks they were told to get. Just then the sounds of some handguns cocking along with a shotgun. The two whirled around with their affectionately named pistols (Megan's .45 Shepherds and Magnus' KA-1 Kobras called Diamond and Dust). In front of them were five gang members of the bold Storm's street gang who were trying to make a name for themselves like the New Reich.
"Well, well, well: what do we have here? The leaders of the Saint's on Storm territory? The fuck you doing here huh?"
Magnus analyzed the situation as he answered, "Doing some Christmas shopping on Saint's property bitch. It's called Rowside Grocers for a reason."
Another member retorted, "Well the former Pussy of the United States should have watched where he was going. Now, we're really going to make a name for ourselves taking down you and your whore sister."
As the Storm gang members chuckled idiotically like they just said the smartest thing ever, Megan responded in kind.
"Blow me asshole."
All of a sudden, blood erupted from the Storm's coats and snow blasted up around the ground from bullets impacting the ground. The two Saints crouched to the ground for cover and when the bullet storm ended, they slowly stood up. Then they heard a voice shouting at them.
"I finally found you! I have something for ya!"
The voice came from the top of the grocer. The twins didn't hesitate when they saw the figure on the store reach into his coat. They slammed the trunk shut and opened fire on the sniper, causing him to retreat back. Then they dove into the car with Megan in the drivers seat and drove off.
"Who in the flying fuck was that!"
"I don't know Megs but I wasn't waiting to find out what he had. It was probably some jackass we pissed off on the campaign trail or something. You know those crazy bastards in the Clinton Foundation and how they take care of people!
Megan huffed angrily, "And of all the times too. First Pierce's debacle and now an assassin? God damn, this is a fun Christmas Eve!"
Magnus looked at his sister as she ran a red light right past a conveniently parked police officer.
"You're fricken psycho sis. I think you mean this is the best Christmas Eve ever! Now where to next?"
So that was pretty much the rest of the twin's day. Shopping on a Christmas Eve quest for an ever more moody Kenzie while being chased around by a mysterious hitman. The man seemed erratic and fixated on giving them what they have coming and getting their money's worth of the day. Still they managed to avoid him though they never succeeded at getting Magnus' wallet back. However, that would have to wait. On Christmas day they were set up and ready to celebrate, with Kinzie having been smuggled out of the hospital and the main circle of Saints at her Stilwater Sanctum. Matt Millar, Asha, Keith David, Benjamin Motherf*cking King, and even Jezebel were there. After the excursion into Hell, she was made an honorary Saint. Jane Austen was there too as the twin's always enjoyed a narration of some sorts by her. Zinjai had even made breakfast for everyone.
*In Kinzie's Stilwater Sanctum, Christmas Morning*
"Open this one Kinzie," Matt said handing the red head a present wrapped in Decker themed colors. She didn't get a chance to open it when an explosion rocked the building and part of a wall by the entrance was obliterated, revealing a gaping hole and a tank.
A myriad of shouts, f-bombs, sons of bitches, and shocked questions were being thrown around the building until the dust settled. By then, most everyone had weapons up and were ready to go. Oleg was standing protectively in front of Kenzie (who was breathing fairly quickly), instead of rushing to deal with the heavy vehicle. Soon after the dust cleared, the hatch opened up. Out popped the assassin that had been plaguing Magnus and Megan the day before. But they were able to get a good look at him this time.
"You?" Megan shouted exasperated. "The guy from the fucking Gassing Through!"
Her brother followed suite, "What the hell do you want? What the fuck were you doing yesterday?!"
The Clerk was wearing old fashioned aviators goggles, a purple bombers jacket, and a WWII era army helmet. He chuckled nonchalantly and before he spoke, Kenzie tried to get everyone's attention but failed as everyone was trained on the tank rider.
He laughed a laughed somewhat mixed between nonchalant and excited.
"Finally! I finally can give you exactly what you deserve! You are finally going to get what's coming to ya!"
Before anyone could shoot, he held up a wallet with a Fleur de li on it and Kenzie again tried unsuccessfully to get everyone's attention.
"Your change for your gas! You forgot your wallet on the counter when you and your friend ran out suddenly Mr…," he looked at Magnus' ID, "Mcloughlin."
It was dead silent until Kinzie went off like a cannon shot in a quiet library.
"You idiot! All that trouble was caused yesterday because you forgot your God damn wallet! This is just great! Now my sanctum is ruined by this crackpot and on top of that, my water just broke!"
It was dead silence before everyone in the building said at the exact same time in surprise, "Your water broke!"
With the sudden news, everyone forgot about the hole in the building and had to focus on a scary hacker who wasn't supposed to give birth for another week or two. With the help of the Clerk, they managed to clear the way with his tank and make haste to the nearest hospital where Kinzie gave birth to a large baby girl. When the gas station clerk was leaving for work due to his boss being an absolute Scrooge, Magnus and Megan decide to help him with his dilemma to make up for the bosses' forgetfulness.
*Honk, Honk, Honk, Honk, Hooooooonk*
"What the hell is going on out…here…"
Outside the gas station manager's house, sat three people in an idling septic truck.
Magnus shouted to the clerk, "Hey, Mason! Give your boss his present!"
"Merry Christmas you son of a bitch! I quit!"
And the brown mess speaks volumes. Fecal matter was sprayed throughout the yard, on Mason's boss, and all over his house. A stench that was common in the resurgence of the Saints after their first conquest was rampant yet again. As the truck drove off, the two leaders of the Saints and their new friend shouted out something fitting for the 25th of December as waste and sewage trailed behind the Septic Avengers.
"Merry Christmas and have a happy holiday!"
Authors Note: So here it is. 2016's Christmas Fanfiction published as of early morning, sometime a little around 3:00 AM Christmas Morning. It isn't my best work, not by far, as I am incredibly rusty from a lack of any creative writing this year. I wish I could have put more time and effort into this but starting sometime in January, I will be working full time, will not be returning to college, and will be able to devote more time to my writing, both fanfiction and my own original stuff I want to publish. I will be trying to kick myself into high gear to get back into doing something I love. Hopefully I can improve and hopefully I can get back to doing what I do somewhat alright at lol. So whether you liked this or didn't, Merry Christmas you beautiful bastards and have some happy holidays!