CHRISTMAS TO THE MAX
By Redtop95
We fade to a beautiful image of a snowy landscape. Sleigh bells can be heard jingling in the distance and the song "Jingle Bells" can be heard playing in the background. The camera pans over to a Snowman who looks like he's been pulled straight out of a stop-motion cartoon. The Snowman looks and sounds like Burl Ives.
Snowman: (To the camera) Hello there, folks. Welcome to another obligatory Halloween special. (Chuckles) If I ain't the mother an' father of all liars, it's a Christmas special! An' this year's Christmas special is going to be extra heart warming, especially since it's going to be about two characters you'd least expect to be the protagonists! But first, I'm going to sing a song to all you boys and girls to get you in the holiday spirit.
He takes out a banjo.
Snowman: (Sings) Silver and gold, silver and gold…
He is interrupted as Montana Max roars past on a snowmobile with the number 23 painted on it. The Snowman is destroyed due to the bully slamming into him. The background music changes from upbeat and jolly to a heavy-metal rendition. We now focus on Monty zooming recklessly across the snowy countryside.
Monty: (Jovially) YIPPEE! OUTTA MY WAY, PEASANTS!
Vinnie Deer is scrounging around for some grass in the deep snow. His ears prick up upon hearing the roaring of the snowmobile. Looking up, he does a double take and tries to run away but he slips and falls down in a heap. Monty grins nastily upon seeing the fawn and takes out a bazooka.
Monty: (Cruelly) EAT SNOW, RUDOLPH!
He pulls the trigger and a snowball the size of a bowling ball erupts from the barrel. Vinnie's eyes pop out of his skull upon seeing it head straight for him. Before he can roll out of the way, the huge snowball hits him with a FLUMP, exploding upon impact. All that's left is a huge snow drift with Vinnie's antlers sticking out of it. Monty roars past, cackling. Vinnie bursts out of the pile, shaking his hoof.
Vinnie: (Angrily) JERK!
Monty: (To the camera) Sheesh, where's his Christmas spirit?
He suddenly sees something up ahead which makes him stop in his tracks. The camera cuts to Plucky's house in the middle of his pond, which has frozen. Monty takes out some hi-tech binoculars and looks through them. We are given a zoomed-in view of the pond. There is a hastily painted sign near it which reads: "PLUCKY'S CHRISTMAS SKATING PARTY! $5.00. $10.00 if you're a rabbit!"
The camera roves over the pond, where we see the Toonsters skating happily. Buster is holding Babs over his head, having noticeable trouble in doing so. Mary Melody skates with Furball sitting on her shoulders. She does a pirouette, forcing the blue cat to hold on for dear life. Hamton and Fifi skate together, holding hands whilst Shirley tries not to laugh as Plucky keeps falling down.
The camera cuts back to Monty, who smirks at us. Rummaging in his pocket, he takes out a flamethrower, before turning on his skidoo and roaring down the hill towards the frozen pond.
We fade to Babs and Buster continuing their skating trick.
Babs: (Excitedly) I'm queen of the world!
Buster: (Groans) And a royal pain…
Finally, his huge feet give way and they fall on the ice with a THUMP!
Babs: (With false annoyance, to Buster) You need ta eat more carrots!
Buster: (Teasingly) You need ta eat less carrots.
Babs: (Beat) Touché. (Hugging him) But I'll forgive ya, since it's the season of peace on Earth an' goodwill to all Toons.
Their long ears point up as they hear the roar of Monty's snowmobile getting louder and louder. In fact, all of the Toonsters halt their merriment as they see the spoiled brat heading straight for them. Monty turns on his flamethrower as he gets closer and zooms onto the frozen pond, melting the ice as he crosses over it. Monty reaches the other side of the pond just as all the ice thaws out and the Toonsters all fall into the water with a SPLASH! They all resurface, their winter clothes sodden to the skin.
Babs: (Spits out a gallon of water, sourly) Goodwill to all Toons…except Monty.
Monty is hooting with laughter at their predicament. Everyone glares at him but he doesn't care.
Monty: (Snorts) What's the matter? Got the cold shoulder?
Plucky: (Angrily, to Monty) You jerk! Ya ruined my skating party!
Monty: (Indifferently) Ah, well. Water off a duck's back. (Guffaws)
Fowlmouth: (Furious) When I get outta here, I'm gonna take a Yule log an' stuff it right up yer (BLEEP!)
Monty: (Mockingly) Ah, ah, ah. Santa won't come if ya talk like that.
His snowmobile roars into life and he drives away.
Monty: (Calling back) Merry Christmas, losers! (Laughs)
Sweetie: (Furiously) We will have our revenge!
The small pink canary climbs out of the pond and is about to fly after the bully when Mary speaks.
Mary: (Knowingly) No need. Something tells me he'll get his comeuppance soon enough.
We fade to the Montana's Mansion. Covered in snow, it looks like an enormous igloo. Monty zooms up to it, and parks outside the steps up to the front door. One of his many servants comes out to valet his skidoo. The bully enters his mansion, throwing his huge winter coat on Grovely, his butler and human hat stand.
Monty: (To the camera) Those goody-goody Toonsters won't be gettin' anythin' from Santa anyway. Why's this, you dorks at home are probably asking?
Monty enters his living room and walks up to the enormous fireplace a mile away.
Monty: (Smugly, to the camera) It's all thanks ta my patent pending Santa trap. Allow me ta demonstrate. (Bellows) GROVELY!
Grovely trudges into the shot, reluctantly donning a Santa suit.
Monty: (Irritable) Grovely, Santa comes in down the CHIMNEY!
Grovely trudges offscreen.
Monty: (Mutters) Bonehead. (To the camera) When that ol' Fatso comes down the chimney, he unknowingly passes through a detection line…
We abruptly hear a wailing alarm go off up the chimney.
Monty: (To the camera) …This triggers the ambush pincers that immediately accost him.
We hear crashing and scuffling sounds coming from up the chimney. After a beat, Grovely plummets down and lands roughly on his behind. He is trussed up in ropes.
Monty: (Grinning nastily) He gets bound by my recently acquired Acme Restraining Ropes, I get his sack... (Hurriedly) Of TOYS! (Cruelly) And no presents for the rest of Acme Acres! (Laughs evilly) I'll have even more gifts than last year…an' if I don't like 'em…I can sell 'em at Toys 'R' Mine! (Wickedly) This is gonna be the greatest Christmas of all time…for ME!
Mrs. Max: (Offscreen) Monty, dear? Could you come here a minute? I've got something to tell you!
Monty: (To the camera, moodily) Ya can't ruin anyone's Christmas in peace in this house.
He walks offscreen.
Grovely: (Muffled) Master Monty? Would you mind untying me? (Beat) Never mind…
The camera cuts to Monty walking through the hallways of his mansion. Occasionally, he shoves a servant out of his way.
Monty: (Grumbling) I hope Mom an' Dad aren't expectin' me ta get 'em anythin' this year.
He finally reaches Mrs. Max in the foyer.
Monty: (Moodily) What is it, Mom, I haven't got all day.
Mrs. Max: Monty, do you remember building your ski resort last week?
We are given a flashback of Monty driving a huge snowplough on a hill. He pushes a huge amount of snow downhill, causing an avalanche. The camera pans down to the Duff residence at the bottom of the hill. There is a rumble and a roar and the whole house is buried in snow. The flashback ends.
Monty: (Chuckles) Best day ever…
Mrs. Max: Well, until their house is dug out, I've invited the Duffs to stay with us for Christmas. They are our friends, after all.
Monty's happy reminiscing abruptly ends upon hearing this.
Monty: (Horrified) WHAT?!
Mrs. Max: (Sternly) What're you so upset about, young man? Don't you remember your date with their daughter?
Everything turns monochrome as Monty remembers that dreadful day. We can hear a racing heartbeat and sweat trickles down his forehead as we hear the mocking voices of the Toonsters singing.
Toonsters: (Singing) Monty and Elmyra sittin' in a tree, K, I, S, S, I, N, G! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Monty with a baby carriage!
Monty clutches his heart and faints as everything turns back to normal.
Monty: (Sobs) MOM, DON'T DO THIS TA ME!
Mrs. Max: (Sternly) That's enough of that! Don't you want them to have a good Christmas?
Monty: We'll send 'em to the Homeless Shelter! (To the camera) Rather them than me.
Mrs. Max: (Firmly) We'll do no such thing! We owe our friends the greatest festive season they've ever had. No complaints, or Santa won't get you anything this year!
Monty: (Sardonically, to the camera) He will if he knows what's good for him. I knew my parents takin' that assertiveness course was a bad idea.
He storms offscreen.
Mrs. Max: (Suspiciously) Where're you going, young man?
Monty: (Shouting back) I'm gonna spend Christmas in my ski resort! See you in January!
He walks past the front door on the way to his bedroom when the doorbell rings.
Doorbell: MON-EY!
Mrs. Max: (Happily) That'll be them, now! Answer that, won't you, Monty?
Monty: (Sullenly) No!
All of a sudden, there's a splintering CRASH! The camera cuts to the front door. A hole has been punched through it. We see the Duffs standing on the doorstep through the hole. They're all carrying Elmyra, whom they've used as a battering ram.
Monty: (Angrily, to Mrs. Max) We're not lettin' vandals into my house! (To the Duffs) You bums better have enough money ta pay for this!
Mr. Duff: (Shivering) We're s-so s-s-s-s-sorry, Mrs. Max. W-W-We c-c-c-couldn't w-w-wait. W-W-We're…
Mrs. Duff: (Shivering) S-Spare the Porky Pig impression f-for a-another day, d-d-dear.
Mrs. Max opens the door for them (even though there's now an enormous hole in it and the Duffs cross the threshold. Monty storms up to them.
Monty: (Irritated) Okay, listen up, squatters! Here're some rules if yer gonna stay in this mansion…
Elmyra: (Overjoyed) MONTY-WONTY!
She rushes towards him.
Monty: (Groans) Oh, no…
Elmyra abruptly leaps on him, trapping him in a bear-hug.
Elmyra: (Gushing) Oh, Monty-Wonty, this is gonna be the greatest Christmas ever! We're gonna go out carolling and then we're gonna roast chestnuts and then we're gonna sing more carols and then we're gonna drink eggnog and then we're gonna…
Monty: (Bellows) SHADDAP!
Elmyra stops talking as her boyfriend seethes.
Mrs. Max: (Chuckles nervously, to Monty) Well, then, Monty… How about you go and take Elmyra out for the day. You could have lots of fun!
Monty: (To the camera) She's already ruined my perfect Christmas, she may as well ruin everyone else's. At least she'll be away from my stuff.
He turns to face Elmyra...only to find that she's gone. The camera cuts to the living room where the red-headed ditz is laying down her present for her boyfriend under the Christmas tree and whips out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk.
Elmyra: (Singing jovially) Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Tis the season to be jolly, fa-la-la-la-la…
She halts upon seeing Grovely tied up and still in the Santa suit.
Elmyra: (Curiously) OooooooOOooooo! Whatcha doin'?
Monty: (Offscreen) Leave him alone!
We pan over to see Monty storming up.
Elmyra: (Sweetly) Why's he all tied up, Monty-Wonty? (Gasps) Is he my present?
Monty: (Snaps) No! Now, come on! I've been forced ta take you on a day out!
Elmyra: (Puzzled) If Grovely-Wovely's not my pressie-wessie, then why's he all tied up?
Monty: (Rolls his eyes) If ya must know, he's tested my Santa trap.
Elmyra: (Aghast) A Santa trap?!
Monty: (Tetchily) Is there an echo in here? Now, come on!
He turns on his heel and begins to stalk away.
Elmyra: (Sternly) For shame, Monty! Traps are for cute widdle aminals, not nice people like Santa! I mean, if you catch Santa, then how will all the good widdle girls and boys get their presents?
Monty: (Indifferently) That's the idea. (Irritated) I'm gonna say this one last time: let's go have some fun in the snow before my mom… (Dumbfounded) Huh?
The camera cuts to Elmyra scrambling up the chimney. Monty sprints over to the fireplace.
Monty: (Horrified) Whadda ya doin'?!
Elmyra: (Muffled) I'm saving Santa's life! It's okay, I've been up chimneys lotsa times! My kitty-witty loves ta hide up 'em!
A huge pile of soot falls down. Monty jumps back...and glowers as he sees some ash on his shirt. All of a sudden, a thought comes to him.
Monty: (Smugly, thinking) Wait a minute. What am I complainin' for? She'll get stuck. She can stay there for the rest of the holiday! My Christmas is gonna be merry after all!
His joy is short-lived, however, as we hear metallic clanking noises and the sounds of bolts popping. With a splintering, groaning crash, two robotic pincers suddenly crash down onto the fireplace. Electricity dances from them, indicating that they've been torn from their sockets. After a beat, Elmyra drops down.
Elmyra: (Happily) There! Now, all the good little girls and boys will get their presents!
Monty: (Outraged) You're gonna pay for that vandalism!
Elmyra: (Sternly, to Monty) If you keep this up, you'll get nothing but an icky, yucky, dirty lump of coal!
Monty: (Sulkily) Santa doesn't exist anyway…
He turns and is about to stalk away when Elmyra tackles him to the floor, cupping her hand over his mouth.
Monty: (Shocked, muffled) Whadda ya…?! Get offa me!
Elmyra: (Frantically, to no-one in particular) He didn't mean it, Santa-baby! Monty-Wonty loves you to pieces!
Monty: (Muffled, angrily) What're ya talkin' about?
He throws her off of him. She lands in a heap beside him.
Elmyra: (Crossly) Monty, you can't say that Santa isn't real! If you do, you'll hurt his widdle feelings and then you won't get any presents! (Philosophically) Santa sees all.
Monty: (Sardonically) Great. Santa's a stalker. (Angrily) He'd better come if he knows what's good for him! I ain't afraid ta use Plan B!
The camera cuts to the mansion roof. There are anti-aircraft guns mounted on it. We cut back to Monty and Elmyra.
Monty: (Begrudgingly) Now, let's get outta here before ya wreck any more of my property.
We cut to the front yard where Monty gets onto his snowmobile and revs the engine. Elmyra hops around on one foot, trying to put her boot on.
Monty: (Calling) See ya round!
Elmyra: (Puzzled) Where're you goin', Monty-Wonty?
Monty: (Nastily) On our day out! Yer walkin'!
The snowmobile roars into life and he zooms off without her. We focus on the bully travelling across the snowy countryside.
Monty: (Sniggers, to the camera) Hopefully, she'll get hypothermia before she even… (Horrified) AAAGGHH!
Elmyra is sitting behind him.
Elmyra: (Cheerily) That sure was close, Monty! You nearly left me behind back there. My tootsie-wootsies nearly froze!
Monty: (Grumbles) Someone shoot me.
Elmyra: (Marvelling) OoooooOOooooo! We sure are going really really really really fast! It makes me wanna singy-wingy!
Monty: (Moans) Please don't…
Elmyra: (Joyfully) C'mon, cute widdle aminals! Everybody sing!
A menagerie of Cute Animals pop out of the snow or peer from behind trees. Bumbie is among them.
Monty: (Groans) No...
# Sleigh Ride - Instrumental
Elmyra: (Sings) Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingling too!
Cute Animals: (Singing) Ring-a-ling-a-ling, Ding-dong-ding!
Elmyra: (Sings) C'mon, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you!
Cute Animals: (Singing) Ring-a-ling-a-ling, Ding-dong-ding!
Elmyra: (Sings) Outside, the snow is falling and friends are calling…
Slappy Squirrel kicks her front door open.
Slappy: (Irritated) SHADDAP!
She throws a snowball that hits Monty in the face.
Elmyra: (Sings) C'mon, it's lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you!
Cute Animals: (Singing) Ring-a-ling-a-ling, Ding-dong-ding!
Monty angrily wipes the snow out of his eyes. Elmyra suddenly cuddles him, obscuring his view.
Monty: HEY!
Elmyra: (Sings) Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy and cosy are we!
Monty: (Frantically) LEGGO OF ME, YOU IDIOT!
Elmyra: (Sings) We're snuggled up together like two birds of a feather would beeeEEEEEEE!
Monty hits a snowbank and they skid out of control offscreen. We hear a splintering crash! The Cute Animals all cringe before walking nonchalantly away. After a beat, we pan over to a smouldering wreck. The snowmobile has run into a tree, its front badly dented and the treads are damaged beyond repair. Elmyra is stuck in the snow from her waist. A pair of feet are kicking in the air a few inches away from her.
Elmyra: (Aghast) MONTY! I can't feel my leggie-weggies!
Monty bursts out of the snowdrift in front of her, revealing himself as the owner of the legs.
Monty: (Horrified) My… My snowmobile!
He rushes to the vehicle's side, falling to his knees. Tears roll down his cheeks, freezing as they do so.
Monty: (Sniveling) It's not even insured…
Elmyra pulls herself out.
Elmyra: (Cheerfully) It turns out my leggies were really chilly-willy!
She regards the crash site.
Elmyra: OoooooOOoooo! What a messy-wessy! I'd hate ta be the one ta clean that up!
Monty: (Sobs) It was a birthday present from Ronald Grump! Of all the days I forget ta bring my cyanide pills…
Elmyra hugs him.
Elmyra: (Soothingly) Awwww, it's okay, Monty-Wonty. We'll buy another one.
Monty shoves her away. She lands on her behind.
Monty: (Vehemently) Y'mean YOU'LL buy another one! It's YOUR fault it's like this!
Elmyra: (Shocked) Me? B-But I've spent all my money on pressie-wessies for my family!
She fishes in her pocket and takes out a small coin.
Elmyra: (Plaintively) All I have left is this ha'penny.
Yakko, Wakko and Dot abruptly emerge from Monty's back pocket.
Yakko: (Jovially) Did someone say ha'penny?
Dot: (Terrified, gesturing at Elmyra) It's her!
The siblings race offscreen.
Monty: (Moodily) I'm goin' home. (To Elmyra) Because of you, I'm goin' home on foot!
He stands up and trudges through the deep snow. Elmyra hurries after him, stepping in the footprints her boyfriend has made so that she can keep up. She finally catches up and takes his arm.
Elmyra: (Sweetly) Let's make the best of an icky situation, Monty-Wonty. Let's sing a song!
Monty: (Grumpily) Don't make me stab you.
Ignoring him, she begins to sing.
# Winter Wonderland - Instrumental
Elmyra: (Sings) Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? In the lane, snow is glistening. A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight. Walking in a winter wonderland.
A bluebird flutters down and perches on the oaf's finger. She immediately hugs it and accidentally breaks its neck. Blushing, she drops it into the snow and hastily buries it.
Elmyra: (Sings) Gone away is the bluebird…
A flock of birds abruptly attack her, pecking and scratching at her bare flesh. Monty sniggers.
Elmyra: (Sings) Here to stay... OWIE! ...Is the newbird! He sings a love song… AGH! ...As we go along…
She wraps an arm around Monty, inadvertently causing the angry birds to attack him instead.
Monty: (Screams) GET 'EM OFF! GET 'EM OFF!
Elmyra: (Woozily) Walking in a winter wonderland!
As the birds finally give up, Elmyra points excitedly ahead and the camera pans over to a familiar looking Snowman. Grabbing Monty by the hand, she runs up to it.
Elmyra: (Sings) In the meadow, we can build a snowman! Then pretend that he's Parson Brown!
As the Snowman turns around to face them, his face darkens as he sees Monty.
Snowman: (Angrily, to Monty) YOU!
Monty: (Nervously) Me?
The Snowman takes out a machine gun.
Snowman: (Angrily) I told you I'd shoot. But you didn't believe me. WHY DIDN'T YOU BELIEVE ME?!
Horrified, Monty shields himself using Elmyra. The Snowman fires! The couple flee as a flurry of bullets fly in all directions.
Elmyra: (Panting) What a mean ol' snowman! What did you ever do to him, Monty-Wonty?
Monty: (Nervously) Nothin'. Let's go home some other way…
Elmyra: (Gleefully) Look!
The camera cuts to the other side of the meadow. All of the Toonsters are playing there. Buster and Babs are building a snow-rabbit, Shirley uses her psychic abilities to throw snowballs at Plucky and Mary is dressing Furball up like a reindeer. We cut back to Monty, who looks horrified.
Elmyra: (Happily) It's all the cute widdle aminals from school! Let's go play with 'em!
Monty: (Aghast) No… No… No…
Before he can stop her, she cups her hands over her mouth.
Elmyra: (Shouts) Oh, bunnie-wunnies! Hello! It's us!
All of the Toonsters stop what they're doing and turn to see Monty and Elmyra.
Sweetie: (Bellowing) There he is!
As if on cue, everyone starts making snowballs and begins to throw them at Monty. The spoiled bully is knocked down as he starts getting peppered by them.
Monty: (Splutters) HEY! KNOCK IT OFF, YOU FREAKS!
More snowballs fly and hit him, nearly burying him. Horrified, Elmyra steps in front of her boyfriend. The Toonsters halt their barrage.
Elmyra: (Defiantly) If you want my Monty-Wonty, you'll hafta go through me!
There is a beat, before a snowball hits Elmyra in the face, knocking her backwards. She lands on top of Monty.
Buster: (Offscreen, laughing) Good shot, Babsie!
More snowballs pelt the pair. This time, the Toonsters also throw anvils, anchors and nuclear warheads. A bruised and battered Monty slowly gets to his feet as stones hit his back and a cleaver misses him by inches.
Monty: (Groggily) Retreat… (Spits out teeth) Retreat!
He limps away, leaving Elmyra behind. The Toonsters finally end their assault.
Plucky: (Cheerfully, offscreen) That's for ruinin' my Skating Party!
Toonsters: (Mockingly) MERRY CHRISTMAS, MONTY!
Elmyra slowly gets to her feet, looking suspiciously at the Toonsters as they laugh at her boyfriend. We cut to Monty as he walks sluggishly along, his winter clothes torn and snow in his face and hair.
Monty: (Miserably) I-I'll g-get the l-last l-laugh… Th-Those l-losers w-will pay when m-my S-Santa t-trap works… (Beat, angrily) Oh, yeah… SHE wrecked it.
Elmyra: (Calling) Monty! Monty!
Monty: (To himself) If I ignore her, she'll g-go away…
Elmyra catches up to him and he does his utmost to refuse that she exists.
Elmyra: (Panting) Monty… I was wondering what had got into everyone and why they were all meanie-weanies. But I keep thinking that you being a naughty-head is the reason.
Monty: (Sulkily) Nah, they're a bunch of jerks.
Elmyra: (Suspicious) What did the Green Ducky-Wucky who looks like Professor Daffy mean by you ruining his party?
Monty: (Sniffs) Y'know what that loser's like. He just wants attention!
Elmyra: (Suspicious) Well, ruining stuff seems like something you'd do, you cranky Monty-Head!
Monty: (Rolling his eyes) Look, all I did was melt the ice on his stupid pond while they were skatin'. They didn't hafta knock my brains out, it was only a joke!
Elmyra: (Dumbfounded) You melted the icy-wicy pond? That wasn't very nice!
Monty: (Snaps) Says the dunderhead who abuses kids at school! That's why you got kicked out!
Elmyra: (To the camera) Professor Fudd told me it was because I was special! (To Monty) Still, you shouldn't be a meanie around this magical-wagical time of year! Did you do anything else bad?
Monty: (Gruffly) No.
All of a sudden, a huge snowball hits him, exploding on contact. The camera slowly pans over to Vinnie, who is holding a bazooka. He smirks. Monty abruptly bursts out of the snow pile, red in the face from both the cold and anger.
Monty: (Lividly, to Vinnie) YOU TWIG-HEADED FREAK! I'm gonna mount you over my fireplace!
Vinnie scampers offscreen as Monty prepares to give chase, but Elmyra stops him.
Elmyra: (Sternly) No, Monty. Keep this up an' Santa won't come.
Monty: (Furiously) Santa Schmanta! My Christmas is already a sham because of you, if I can't celebrate it, then no-one can!
Elmyra: (Surprised) Because of...me?
Monty: (Scathingly) What do you know, your single braincell works! Maybe now, you can tell me what two plus two equals!
Elmyra: (Confused) What did I do?
Monty: (Snorts) What haven't you done? This year, everything was gonna go my way! I was gonna trap Santa, steal all the presents an' sell 'em back! Then, you an' yer inconsequential kin had ta get snowed under an' stay with us until yer hovel was dug out!
Elmyra: (Puzzled) I still don't get it.
Monty: (Snarls) You had ta look out for all the poor kids an' trash my trap! Then ya made me crash my snowmobile! You're a selfish waste of animation cels! You ain't welcome in my mansion! Now, go make someone else's life miserable an' get outta my life!
Elmyra suddenly looks shocked by this. This quickly turns to frozen tears. She turns and trudges away.
Monty: (Offscreen) Elmoron?
She turns around hopefully.
Monty: (Sarcastically) Merry Christmas!
He throws a snowball at her. It hits her in the face.
Elmyra: (Beat) You're a naughty-head!
Sobbing, she runs away.
The camera cuts to Monty walking smugly up to the front door of his mansion as the sun sets. He's about to open the front door when Mrs. Max suddenly opens it for him.
Mrs. Max: (Cordially) Hello, Monty! How was your day out? (Suspiciously) Where's Elmyra?
Monty: (Indifferently) She got eaten by a bear. Don't worry, though. At least I'm home safe!
He barges past her.
Mrs. Max: (Calling after him) Your father and I are taking the Duffs out to the Carol Concert. If you find Elmyra, come join us!
Monty: (Happily) I'd rather get a lobotomy!
Mrs. Max: (Calling after him) Suit yourself, but I hope you don't mind being alone for a few hours!
Monty: (Cheerfully) That's the best news I've had all day!
We hear the front door close and the limo roaring away. Monty is alone.
Monty: (Shouting) GROVELY! Get yer mangy hide in here! Ya gotta fix my Santa trap!
There is no reply. Grovely doesn't come. All we hear is Monty's voice echoing throughout the mansion.
Monty: (Annoyed) Great! He probably died. (Rolling his eyes) I'll hafta call that stupid coyote.
We cut to Monty dialling a number on the phone.
Monty: (Nonchalantly) Calamity? It's Monty.
A snowball flies out of the receiver and hits him in the face. He looks at the camera, visibly annoyed.
Monty: (Takes a deep breath) Well, I still got Plan B.
There's suddenly a loud CRASH! We cut to the outside of the mansion, where the anti-aircraft guns lie in the snow. The camera briefly cuts to Monty's bedroom, where a huge pile of snow has fallen onto his four-poster bed from the hole in the ceiling.
Monty: (Moans in frustration) I'll just listen ta music!
We cut to a huge boombox. Monty strides up to it and turns it on.
Monty: (Smugly) Who needs lame old carols when I can just rock out here? And the best part is that I have it all to myself!
Boombox: Alone again, naturally…
Monty hastily changes the station.
Boombox: Now, solitaire's the only game in town…
Monty hastily changes the station.
Boombox: Yes, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness…
Monty hastily changes the station.
Boombox: Don't wanna be all by myself…
Monty smashes the boombox with a mallet.
Monty: (Flustered) Music's overrated anyway… (Beat) I need a new boombox. Maybe I can coerce Santa into givin' me one.
He stalks through the mansion. We hear his footsteps echoing throughout the building.
Monty: (To himself) What else can I do? (Beat) Oh, yeah! I'll check out what I got myself for Christmas!
He rushes to the Christmas tree in the living room. We see a pile of presents underneath it. Monty shoves Elmyra's gift for him aside to get to the largest parcel of them all. The label on top reads "TO ME, FROM MYSELF".
Monty: (Chuckling) What did I get myself this year?
He greedily tears the wrapping paper off to reveal a solid gold box. Lifting the lid off it, his eyes gleam as he takes out…
Monty: (Joyfully) A solid twenty-four karat gold backscratcher! I shouldn't have!
He eagerly takes it out of the box and rakes his back with it, a look of utter satisfaction on his face as he does so.
Monty: (Nonchalantly) Hey, Abuseya! Look what I got me this…
He stops himself upon remembering that he's all alone.
Monty: (Shrugs) She'd want me ta share it with her anyway.
He dances around the huge living room, waving his present like a baton as he does so.
Monty: (Sings) I wish me a Merry Christmas, I wish me a Merry Christmas, I wish me a Merry Christmas an' a Happy New…
The lights abruptly go out!
Monty: (Annoyed) Great. Grovely forgot ta pay the electric bill.
A cold chill fills the air.
Monty: (Shivers) An' there goes the heating! Elmoron probably messed up the boiler.
The doors to the living room crash open! Monty wheels round just in time to see a ghostly mist fill the room.
Elmyra: (Wailing) WooooOOoooooo!
Monty: (Horrified) Oh, Spielberg, no…
Elmyra floats into the living room...as a ghost!
Elmyra: (Wailing) I'm a spooky-wooky ghostie!
Monty: (Dumbfounded) No… No way! You can't be real! I don't believe in ghosts!
Elmyra: (To the camera) Then I must be really, really, really good at playing pretend! (To Monty) I'm a spooky-wooky ghostie-whostie and I've come to haunt you!
Monty: (Baffled) Why? You're not dead! (Eagerly) Or are ya?
Elmyra: No, I'm not dead.
Monty: (Bluntly) Then get outta here.
Elmyra: (Wailing) I've come to warn you not to be a naughty-waughty meanie! Nobody likes a naughty-waughty meanie!
Monty: (Snorts) Nobody likes you, either.
Elmyra: (Indignantly) That's not the pointy-wointy! You've been a poop all Christmas to everybody, even me! And unless you change your diaperrr...ways, you'll spend the rest of your life alone!
The word 'alone' echoes throughout the empty mansion.
Elmyra: (Coldly) But, worst of all, Santa will only give you lumps of coal!
Monty: (Haughtily) HA! Even if that fat deadbeat gives me that junk, I'll just accost him an' take his presents!
Elmyra: (Smugly) I told Santa to put you on the naughty list.
Monty: (Furiously) You oafish mass of ectoplasm! Get outta my mansion before I set Paul Feig on ya!
Elmyra: (Happily) Naww. I like it here! I'm gonna haunt you forever an' ever an' ever an' ever an' ever an' ever an'...
She suddenly realises that she's alone.
Elmyra: (Surprised) Monty-Wonty?
Monty bursts out of the front door without bothering to put on his winter coat. In panic, he rushes out into the snowy night to find his girlfriend.
Monty: (Shouting) Elmyra?! ELMYYYYYYRA! I'm sorry! DON'T HAUNT ME!
As he struggles through the snow, we can hear a choir singing in the distance.
Choir: (Singing) God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay! For Jesus Christ, our saviour, was born on Christmas Day!
Monty: (Shouting) I'm sorry for wreckin' that party! I'm sorry for buryin' yer house ta build a resort!
Choir: (Singing) To save us all from Satan's powers when we were gone astray. Glad tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy. Glad tidings of comfort and joy!
Monty: (Despairing) Please don't be dead! I'll change! I'll chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnge!
As he says this, he loses his footing, falls face down in the snow and begins to slide down a hill in a similar manner to Yosemite Sam going down the Schmatterhorn.
Monty: (Screams) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!
He slides off the edge of a cliff like it's a ski jump and plunges through the ice into the water below. There is a hard cut to black.
Elmyra: (Offscreen) Moooonty, sugar?
We fade in on an extreme closeup of Monty's face as he begins to stir.
Elmyra: (Happily, offscreen) Oh, thank goodness you're not dead! Then you'd look all icky an' we'd have to bury you like we did my pets!
Monty: (Blearily) Dead?
The camera zooms out to reveal him wearing bright blue baby clothes.
Monty: (Howling) I'm dead!
The camera cuts to Elmyra as she rushes forward to embrace him.
Monty: (Wailing) And I'm in hell!
Elmyra relinquishes her embrace.
Elmyra: (Perkily) Nope! You're at your mansion!
Monty: (Puzzled) Wait a minute! I abandoned you in the snow! How the heck are you still alive?!
Elmyra: (Happily) Your parents an' my parents found me an' we went to the Carol Concert together! Then we all came home for hot cocoa an' chestnuts an' eggnog an'...
Monty: (Outraged) After all my bein' alone an' you hauntin' me an' me nearly freezin' ta death tryin' ta look for you… YOU WERE CAROL SINGIN'?! Why didn't ya tell me you were there?!
Elmyra: (Shrugs) Well, we would've toldja, Monty-Wonty, but you weren't invited. (Happily) But you're safe now, so we can all party-harty!
Monty: (Angrily) Why am I wearin' this stupid thing?!
Elmyra: (Happily) It's your Christmas present from me! It was supposed to be for Drooly Davely but his parents told me that if I came within fifty feet of him, they'd break my neck. (Cooing) You look so cute in it, though!
Monty: (To the camera) This is creepy.
Elmyra: (Happily) You're so lucky-wucky, Monty! You got to open your present a day early!
Monty: (Eyes lighting up) A day early? It's Christmas Eve?
Elmyra nods.
Monty: (Cruelly) The guy in red's on his way! An' I'll be ready for him!
They turn to the fireplace as they suddenly hear scuffling sounds and soot begins to fall.
Monty: (Nastily) I got him now!
He leaps to his feet and rushes towards the fireplace. Elmyra is aghast!
Elmyra: (Horrified) NO! Santa, go back! Monty-Wonty doesn't deserve your love!
She lunges at her boyfriend, grabbing him by the legs. He falls down, banging his chin on the fireplace.
Elmyra: (Shouting) Run, Santa, run! I'll hold him off!
Monty: (Angrily) Gerroff me, you idiot! That fat do-gooder (Trailing off) ...is...mine…?
The camera pans up to reveal that Santa isn't Santa at all.
Pumpkin Guy: (Jovially) Hello there! I'm having an existential crisis! (To Monty) Here you go!
He empties a huge sack full of coal onto the bully, completely burying him.
Pumpkin Guy: (To Elmyra) And here you go, you good little girl, you.
He gives her a gerbil skull with a Santa hat on it.
Elmyra: (Squeals) OoooooooOOoooo! It's bea-yoo-tee-ful!
Pumpkin Guy: Ho, ho, ho! Happy Tax Day!
He climbs back up the chimney.
Elmyra: (Happily) Goodbye, Santa!
Excitedly, she places her festive her new festive gerbil skull in her bow.
Elmyra: (To Monty) How do I look, Monty?
Monty bursts out of the coal pile, completely blackened by it.
Monty: (Infuriated) WHY, THAT GOOD-FOR-NOTHIN', LOWDOWN, OVERWEIGHT… AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
He bursts into flames. Mrs. Max and the Duffs enter the living room.
Mr. Duff: (Excitedly) Has he been?
Elmyra: (Happily) He sure has, Daddy-o! And look what he brought me!
She shows them her new skull.
Mrs. Duff: (Cooing) Awww, it's beautiful, dear!
Amanda: (Snarky) No, it's just creepy.
Mrs. Max: (Looking around) Where's Monty?
Elmyra: (Lovingly) Oh, Mrs. Max! Santa brought Monty-Wonty the best present of all! He gave him the warmth that we all feel around this yuletide time!
Monty seethes with fury as the flames lick his body and the lumps of coal around him. He tears his hair out.
Mrs. Max: (Happily) Monty, I'm so proud of you! You've finally found the warmth in your heart to light the metaphorical fire of Christmas!
Monty bursts into frustrated tears.
Mr. Duff: (Sniffing) Yeah… I'm getting pretty emotional too.
Elmyra: (Jovially) C'mon, everybody! Let's all be merry-werry an' sing a Yuletide carol!
Monty: (Moans) How about you put me out?!
Mrs. Max, Elmyra and the Duffs all join hands and begin to sing around the burning bully.
All: (Singing) Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Tis the season to be jolly, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Don we now our gay apparel, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Trill the ancient Yuletide carol, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
We fade to an exterior shot of the Montana's Mansion.
Monty: (Offscreen, bellowing) Worst Christmas ever!
The camera pans away to reveal the Snowman watching over the event.
Snowman: (To the camera) We-he-hell. It seems Montana Max learned a lesson about the season this year! (Pondering) Although I don't really know what it was. (To the camera) Well, folks, I hope you have a better Christmas than he does. And remember: if you're a jerk, you'll get nothin' but coal and spend the rest of your life alone. (Happily) Merry Christmas, folks. (To the Toonsters) Take it away, kids!
The camera pans over to the Toonsters, who are all carol singing.
Toonsters: (Singing) We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year! Good tidings we bring to you and your kin! We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year!
The End
MERRY CHRISTMAS
From Redtop95