Title: In Defense Of Mary Sue
Author: Lyndelle (BizGirlCharlie)
Distribution: Just ask!
Disclaimer: I own myself. Emily and Andrea also can claim ownership of their likenesses. Jezebel is owned by Shadow. All others are owned by the WWE.
Rating: PG-13
Content: humor, adult themes, some language and sexual content
Characters: Various
Dedication: To Emily, who knew I was going to use her in this, and to Andrea, who didn't. I hope you like it!
Summary: Okay, so I've read an awful lot of anti Mary Sue propaganda lately, so I decided it was time for someone to speak out on behalf of our much-maligned OC friends. And that someone, of course, is me.
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One! Two! Three!
The ringbell sounds piercingly and the theme music of the winner begins to blare from loudspeakers that have deafened everyone within fifty feet. In the ring, a girl stands tall, holding aloft the WWE Undisputed title as Reel Big Fish play the song they wrote just for her. The crowd is going positively insane for somehow, this twenty-one year old girl has won the most prestigious belt in the world of wrestling and they know that they are witnessing the making of a legend. At her feet lie the crumpled forms of two giants - Brock Lesnar and the Undertaker. She has beaten them single-handedly. They didn't even come close. She'd outwrestled, outsmarted and out-flown both of them. They never even stood a chance.
Just then, the cheering of the crowd goes up a notch. Another figure has entered the ring; a figure clad only in navy blue sweatpants, showing off the ripped appearance of his torso. It's Maven, an unlikely choice for a hero, but the girls still love him and now the guys wish they were him as he scoops the new champion up into his arms and kisses her deeply, his hands buried in her dark flowing hair. Finally, he sets her back down and, hand in hand, they make their way up the ramp, with the chants of the crowd still showing no signs of letting up.
"Lyndelle! Lyndelle! Lyndelle!"
"You were amazing out there, girl," Maven says, wrapping his arms around her again before they're even through the curtain.
Her only response is to grab him behind the head and start kissing him again.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on a second."
Maven and Lyndelle look up, half guilty, half annoyed. Staring back at them are Kurt Angle, Edge and Christian, who of course are no longer a team, but the author liked them that way so, for the purpose of this story, Team ECK lives (though obviously Edge is a face, Kurt is a heel and Christian's UnAmerican, so they're in no way compatible).
"You guys got a problem?" Lyndelle snaps, arms still linked around Maven's neck.
"You bet your bunions I've got a problem," Kurt fumes. "Who the heck are you?"
Behind him, Christian begins to cough. "Mary Sue!"
An annoyed Kurt spins briefly to face him. "Christian, what have I told you about getting that cough checked out?"
Christian rolls his eyes as Edge cups a hand in front of his mouth. "Uh, Kurt. She's Mary Sue."
"Oh, okay," Kurt nods, turning back to the couple. "Well, Mary Sue, if that is your real name…"
"It's not," Lyndelle replies bluntly. "It's Lyndelle."
Kurt frowns, raising an index finger to scratch his forehead. "But I thought Edge just said…"
"Well, he's right too," Lyndelle nods, before holding out her hand. "I'm Lyndelle. I'm a Mary Sue."
A still confused Kurt is eyeing her skeptically. "But you're not called Mary Sue?"
"Why would I be called Mary Sue?" Lyndelle snaps. "That defeats the purpose of creative license."
"Yeah," Christian chuckles. "And creative license rules all!"
Kurt spins around to glower at him. "Hey, whose side are you on?"
Christian sucks on his bottom lip, runs a hand over his hair and then, finally, his decision is made. "Lyndelle's." He darts to her side and begins brushing her hair back so he can kiss her neck Broody-vampire style.
"Hey!" Maven protests, trying to swat Christian away. "That's my woman!"
"Boys, boys," Lyndelle smiles. "There's plenty of me to go around. Remember, I'm the champ."
Kurt just looks plain disgusted as the three of them begin making out with increasing exuberance.
"I'm…I'm telling Mr. McMahon!" he blurts, turning on his heel. "He's not gonna like this one little bit! Come on, Edge."
But Edge has his green eyes trained on Lyndelle, Maven and Christian, his head slightly cocked to the side.
"Edge!" Kurt cries, grabbing a hold of the tall Canadian's blonde locks and dragging him down the hallway.
"Argh, Kurt, not my hair!" Edge wails. "This hair has launched a thousand musi. Have mercy, dude!"
* * * *
"So, our new Undisputed champion is simply a manifestation of this phenomenon known as the 'Mary Sue'," Vince comments, staring across the boardroom, where a large-screen TV is replaying that night's main event. "She sure is a sexy young manifestation, although I'd never do anything other than gaze lecherously at her, for fear of the audience losing its lunch. If only I'd shown the same restraint with Trish Stratus and Stacy Keibler."
Kurt's jaw has dropped around his ankles. "But…Mr. McMahon! She can't be the champion! She doesn't even exist. She shouldn't even be in a wrestling fan fiction in the first place. I mean, isn't wrestling fan fiction supposed to be about…you know, wrestling?"
"That's what you think, Kurt, my boy," Vince chortles. "But I'll tell you what I'll do. In the interest of fairness, I will hold an open forum on this topic. You and Edge can seek out your fellow superstars and tell them to arrive here with their fan fiction and, in particular, their Mary Sue concerns. I'll send my son Shane for the new champion."
"Okay," Edge chuckles, slapping Kurt on the back. "An open forum. This is gonna be brutal!"
* * * *
"Lyndelle?"
She raises a hand to make him wait while she extracts her tongue from Christian's mouth.
"Just a second, guys. Feel free to go on without me. Yeah?"
Shane McMahon's chocolate brown eyes give her the once over, before he catches himself and stands up straight. "Vince wants to see you in the boardroom."
Lyndelle sneaks a glance over her shoulder at Christian and Maven. Both of them are so beautiful, Maven with his coffee colored skin and drop dead at his feet smile, and Christian with the quiet intensity, pale skin and blonde hair that would look absolutely amazing draped across a pillow first thing in the morning. "Will it take long?"
Shane shrugs. "Who knows? It's my old man."
"Well, okay." She turns back to the guys as she reaches into her pocket and pulls something out. "Here's a key to my hotel room. Meet me there in half an hour?"
"Sure," Maven nods and he and Christian head off together. As they go, Christian's voice can just be heard, exclaiming excitedly.
"Dude, she is hot to trot. This is so gonna reek of awesomeness!"
Lyndelle has to smile before finally turning to Shane. "So, what's this about, anyway?"
Shane considers her for a moment before giving his answer. "Basically, you're being called up in front of a panel on behalf of Mary Sues everywhere to defend their existence."
"Wow," Lyndelle mutters. "Responsibility. So, who's on the panel?"
"Wrestlers, I guess," Shane shrugs. "Hey, don't stress out about it. I'm sure you'll be great."
"Hey thanks," Lyndelle smiles. "That's sweet of you."
Shane finds himself smiling back. "Any time."
Their eyes are locked, even as they attempt to walk down the hallway.
"Hey, there's a janitor's closet," Lyndelle exclaims suddenly. "Wanna make out?"
Shane lets out a deep breath. "I thought you were never gonna ask."
* * * *
By the time Lyndelle enters the boardroom, having left Shane to fill a few more of his father's errands, the table is full, surrounded by every superstar she could imagine, from X-Pac (who of course no longer even works there) to Hulk Hogan (who may not work there again). Lyndelle is talking on a cell phone, but she clicks off in time to take her seat at the head of the table, between both Hardy Boyz, who are eyeing her intently. At the other end of the long table sits Vince McMahon in a much larger, much more imposing chair than any of the others.
"Lyndelle," he begins casually. "It has come to my attention that, although you just won the WWE Undisputed championship…" (spontaneous applause comes from Rey Mysterio, Billy Kidman and Torrie Wilson, but is quickly silenced with a glare from Vince) "…despite winning this title, you are, in fact, not a recognized WWE superstar."
"That's right," Lyndelle replies slowly, giving Jeff Hardy a flirtatious 'he's kinda slow for a billionaire, ain't he?' look. "I'm a Mary Sue."
"A Mary Sue," Vince repeats, nodding thoughtfully. "And can you explain for those of us who might not be sure, what exactly a Mary Sue is?"
"Absolutely, Vince," Lyndelle states, jumping to her feet and heading over to a whiteboard, where she picks up a marker and draws a stick-figure woman. "This is Mary Sue. She's a lot of different things to different people - blonde, brunette, short, tall, former artist, former street-kid, former hooker. But she is always beautiful, always talented and she always, always gets the guy."
"Fine," Vince comments. "But if that's the case, isn't it a little predictable?"
Lyndelle raises her eyebrows incredulously. "You just made me sit through a main event of Triple H versus Jeff Hardy and you want to talk to me about predictable? No offence, sexy."
"Hey, none taken," Jeff smiles.
"Besides," Lyndelle continues. "The ending's hardly the point, is it? Everybody loves a happy ending. What's important is the journey and that's where Mary Sues prove their legitimacy in the world of fan fic."
Vince frowns at this. "Go on."
"Glad to," Lyndelle grins, snapping her fingers. At that moment, the door flies open and two more strikingly beautiful young women enter, carrying piles of A4 sized printing paper, which they set down on the table.
"Vince McMahon and WWE Superstars," Lyndelle begins. "Allow me to introduce my colleagues for this forum, Emily and Andrea."
Again, Rey, Kidman and Torrie begin applauding and are joined this time by both Hardyz, Shannon Moore and Kane.
"Thank you," the slightly taller girl, the one who was identified as Andrea, says, flipping back her purple-streaked hair. "It's good to be here. Wait a minute…" She turns to Lyndelle, one hand placed indignantly on her hip. "Where the hell's Shane Helms? You promised me Shane Helms."
Lyndelle looks startled for a minute and begins scanning the faces. "I don't know. Everyone was invited. Shanny?"
Shannon, who has until now been eyeing off the third girl, snaps out of it and shrugs. "Uh, I dunno. Maybe he's fightin' crime somewhere."
"Well, that's just great," Andrea mutters, reaching out to Matt Hardy's chair and violently pulling it back from the table before launching herself onto his lap. "It's a damn good thing you're hot, otherwise I'd be out of here," she tells him, resting her head casually on his shoulder. "Ya know, the only reason I'm here is 'cause she said I'd get to boff a superhero. I suppose I'll have to make do with a Hardy Boy."
"Okay, let's continue this line for a few moments," says Vince. "You're only here to have sex with my superstars?"
"Yeah," Andrea replies, her face scrunched up sarcastically, though it doesn't diminish her good looks. "Why else would I be here? Hey," she says to Matt. "You wanna see my tattoo? You're gonna love it!"
"So these Mary Sues that you people write are nothing but an excuse to distribute porn?" Kurt cries.
"I don't write them, I just read them, and no, they're not just porn," Andrea tells him as Matt's hands begin to wander to where he can begin to get himself a really good view of her tattoo. "If you're really lucky you get some storyline stuff in there too, though it all comes down to sex in the end."
"If it's sex fics you're worried about, you'll wanna call the PWP people," Lyndelle announces. "I'm only speaking for Mary Sues, most of which are perfectly innocent, fantasy fulfillment stories."
"…With a whole load of half-naked hot lookin' guys!" Andrea pipes up.
"And if you're worried about the half-naked men, you only have yourselves to blame," Lyndelle adds. "Though it really should be completely naked with everything spandex manages to hide."
"Fantasy fulfillment," Vince repeats thoughtfully. "Elaborate on this, if you would."
"Allow me," Emily says, beginning with a dazzling smile. "Fantasy fulfillment, that's right. Mary Sues are fun to write, because they let you do what only a select few people get the opportunity to do, and that's become a WWE superstar."
"Good heavens!" William Regal shouts. "You're British! Why the bloody hell aren't there more Mary Sues featuring our kinfolk?"
"There are," Emily tells him, frowning at the way he's now looking at her. "Mary Sues can be whoever you want, and that's also why they're almost as fun to read as they are to write. If they're written properly, they become a believable fiction piece that's just as important as anything else in the world of fan fiction."
"And without further ado," Lyndelle adds. "Allow me to call upon our first witness for the defense. Introducing the one, the only, Eric Bischoff!"
"Thank you!" Eric cries, leaping to his feet, only momentarily distracted by the sight of Matt and Andrea making out. "And I love each and every one of you too! Especially you, you and you…" He points out the three girls. "Tell me, what are your own personal opinions on HLA?"
Emily looks disgusted and Andrea has her tongue too far down Matt's throat to really be aware of anything else, so Lyndelle answers for all of them.
"I'll let you know, Eric. In about three minutes." That floors him long enough for her to ask her first question. "Eric, speaking of personal opinions. What do you think of Mary Sues?"
"What's the point of them?" Eric asks. "They're not exciting. They're not entertaining. They don't feature nearly enough lesbians…"
"You obviously haven't read far enough into my Angel series then," Lyndelle mutters.
Eric's eyes bulge. "You have lesbians in your Mary Sues?"
"Sure," Lyndelle shrugs. "They're not main characters or anything, but…"
"Who are they?" Eric cuts in, suddenly all eagerness.
"I think I'd like to know that too," Vince adds.
"Well," Lyndelle replies mysteriously. "I guess you'll have to read and find out. But anyway, Eric. You were saying about Mary Sues in general?"
"You bet I was," Eric nods. "Why would I want to read them? Who really cares about a bunch of women who'll never have enough talent to actually be professional wrestlers?"
"Even if they do have talent as writers?" Lyndelle questions. "Even if they tell a far better story than your own writers seem to be doing lately? You know what, Eric? I think the only reason you don't like Mary Sues is because you never get to be the lead male in one."
"Hey, I've been in plenty of fan fictions since I joined the WWE," Eric protests.
"Sure," Lyndelle nods. "And in nearly all of them you have sex with Stephanie McMahon."
"What?" Vince blurts, focussing his glare on the withering form of Eric Bischoff.
"It's not my fault!" Eric wails. "I swear it's not my fault."
"It's not his fault, daddy!" Stephanie adds, leaping to her feet. "It's the sexual tension between us. Something had to give!"
"Is that so?" Vince growls. "Well, I think you'd better both sit down before I fire Bischoff's ass."
Lyndelle just grins triumphantly as a defeated Eric takes his seat. "Now, before we move on to the next witness, does anyone have any questions?"
John Cena raises his hand and Lyndelle lightly licks her lips. He could do with a better haircut, but boy, is he hot. "Yes?"
"Yeah," Cena says. "Can I go to the bathroom?"
"Sure," Lyndelle nods.
Cena smiles, getting to his feet. "And…can you come with me?"
Lyndelle breaks into a grin, then glances over at Emily. "Hey Em. Take over for me."
And then she chases Cena from the room.
Emily grins and turns back to her audience. "The next witness is…"
"Stand back! There's a Hurricane coming through!"
"Hurricane!" Andrea shrieks, disentangling herself from Matt and leaping up onto the table.
Suddenly there's a swoosh of wind and the Hurricane sails through, holding a rope so it appears that he really is flying. He reaches down, scoops up Andrea and flies off again. By the time they're out of sight, they've already started making out.
Matt slaps his hands down on the table, an absolutely bewildered look on his face. "What just happened?"
Emily just grins back at him. "Andrea just got her man. But don't worry, Matt, because you know what that means?"
"What?" Matt frowns, but finds himself unable to stop the beginnings of a smile from forming on his lips.
"Oh, nothing," Emily shrugs. "Calling the next witness, Jeff Hardy!"
"Alright," Jeff drawls, bouncing up quickly. "And ya know, if Matt's not interested, I wouldn't mind."
"Tempting," Emily nods. "But first, impress me with your thoughts on Mary Sues."
"I love them!" Jeff cries.
"Yeah, because they're the only kind of fic where he ain't gay," Bradshaw guffaws.
"Not true!" Jeff argues. "Sometimes I'm with Lita."
"You cheatin' little punk," Matt snaps, standing up with fists rapidly clenching.
"Or Trish! Or Trish!" Jeff insists, raising his hands in deference to his brother. "I don't write 'em, man, I swear it."
"Matt, calm down," Emily says, stepping over to put a steadying hand on his chest. "It's okay. It's just fiction. It's not real."
Matt glances from her to Jeff and then back again before lurching out, grabbing her and planting a kiss right on her lips. When he breaks away, he grins triumphantly at Jeff. "Go ahead, bro."
Jeff gives his brother a momentary scowl before continuing. "Well, the main reason I like Mary Sues is because I'm nearly always the hero. I mean, who wouldn't want to be the sexiest man alive? Who wouldn't want hundreds of girls writin' stories about them? It's great! And yeah, it's okay to sometimes have Lita or Trish, but variety's great, you know? I'm a variety kinda guy."
"Yeah, Jeff's right," Matt nods. "And us superstars still get to do each other in Mary Sues, just like in other fics. I mean, I've lost count of the number of times I've been paired with Lita. Not that I mind, of course."
"It's all about the quality of the writing," Raven announces. "I could read Paul Heyman porn if it was written well enough."
Everyone else stares at him as though he's just admitted to being a terrorist.
"What?" he shrugs. "I'm just saying."
Emily sighs deeply before responding. "You're a strange man, Raven. But anyway, what we're saying here is that Mary Sue or not, it doesn't matter, as long as the characters are written well. But there's another aspect of fan fiction that's just as important and that's the story itself. Let me now call our next witness, Jezebel."
Suddenly, a vast chill crosses the room and into the cold steps a tall redheaded woman, clad entirely in red and black leather.
Kurt frowns. "Who the heck's Je…"
"Shuuuuuuuh!" Undertaker cuts him off. "Trust me, Gold medal boy, you don't wanna say her name. That there's my sister."
"Your sister?" Kurt cries incredulously, before realizing. "Oh, it's another one."
"So," Emily says to Jezebel. "Why don't you tell us a little about yourself?"
Jezebel, who has adopted a sarcastic stance, just smirks maliciously. "You should know. You created me."
"She's another Mary Sue?" Vince frowns.
"Well done," Jezebel nods darkly. "Give the man a prize."
"She don't look like a Mary Sue," Rey Mysterio announces. "She's not nice enough. She's good-looking, but she's no girl-hero."
"Good point, Rey," Emily smiles. "But you see, there's nothing that says a Mary Sue has to be the good guy, has to be little miss perfect. It all depends on the story. If the story will be stronger by making her the villain, well, that's what the writer has to do. Now, can I please have security escort this woman from the building before she tries to do anything crazy? Actually, you're probably best to lock her up in a closet of some sort and whatever you do, don't let her out…especially if she's sulking."
Two security guys, who are each easily as big as the wrestlers, appear, pin Jezebel's arms and drag her from he the room, kicking, screaming and vowing revenge. Just before they disappear from view, another figure ducks around them and into the room. Lyndelle has returned.
"Hey, you brought Jez," she chuckles at Emily. "I love that chick."
"Yeah, me too," Emily nods. "Where's Cena?"
"Oh, I just sent him to go find Christian and Maven," Lyndelle shrugs. "Happy times for me later. What happened to Andrea?"
"Hurricane."
"Oh. Woo hoo! So, where are we up to?"
"Uh, question time, I think," Emily replies.
"Okay, questions." Lyndelle turns back to the table of wrestlers, again focussing on the task at hand.
"I have a question," calls a deep, intense voice.
Lyndelle claps her hands together and grins. "Chris Benoit."
"How come I'm never in Mary Sues?"
"Um, 'cause you scare the teenies?" Lyndelle suggests with a shrug, all the while looking him up and down.
"So?" Benoit challenges, leaning down on the table and giving her his trademark glare. "I am the greatest technical wrestler in the WWE. If anyone should get to be a part of one of these stories it's me, not a damn Hardy loser." His voice is a low, threatening growl.
"Oh, good times," Lyndelle mutters under her breath before answering him. "Well, has it escaped your attention that you're my favorite and I think you're an absolute sex beast?"
"You do?" Benoit asks suspiciously.
"Sure," Lyndelle nods. "Go read 'Rogue Angel'. I make you a complete asshole, but you have a really good part. I think your intense, brutal, anti-social self will love it. And actually, while I'm on it, do you think you can do something about keeping SmackDown on Australian TV? I don't know what I'm gonna do if I can't drool over you every week."
"Okay, down girl," Emily calls, dragging Lyndelle backwards from where she has crawled partway across the table as though Benoit were a magnetic attraction.
But Benoit still looks confused. "So, you've made out with five guys so far this story?"
"Four, but who's counting?"
"Well, if you like me so much, why aren't I one of them, huh? Tell me that!"
"Well, that's easy," Lyndelle grins, her eyes flashing seductively. "This story's rated PG-13, but if I ever got my hands on you, well, it wouldn't be. Okay?"
Benoit considers this for a moment, eyebrows raised. "Okay," he says finally and takes his seat.
"I love that man," Lyndelle breathes, collapsing on the floor.
Emily casually steps over her to take center stage. "Calling our next witness…"
"Me!" cries a voice, and a figure bounces up onto the table.
Emily looks up at Shannon Moore, transfixed and yet bewildered. "Well, actually, it was supposed to be Trish, but yeah, you can go first…" She breaks off with a coy grin.
"Cool," Shannon nods. "I don't have much to say anyway. I mainly just wanted to tell you I think you're cute and ask you if you wanted to go get some coffee with me once this forum's done."
Emily bites her lip, but before she can respond, an angry voice calls out.
"Hold it! I saw her first!"
Matt Hardy leaps up onto the table and gets right in Shannon's face, using the several inches of height difference to make him look far more imposing.
"No you don't, Matt," argues a third voice. "You already got the other one. I haven't gotten to make out with any of them and I'm supposed to be the king of Mary Sues."
Matt glowers at his brother, who has joined him and Shannon on the table. "More like the king of queens, you little fruit. Besides, Helms took that other girl. I want the hot-lookin' British one. Especially since the Australian has a thing for Benoit and that kinda freaks me out."
"Well, I just asked her for coffee," Shannon protests. "And I'm new to the WWE kind of Mary Sue. I mean, I had plenty back in WCW…"
"When you weren't screwin' one of us or Helms in slash fics," Matt snaps.
"Matt, I don't think you meant to say that," Jeff hisses.
"Don't tell me what I'm meant to say!" Matt cries, swinging at Jeff, who ducks and shoves his brother to the ground. Shannon pounces on both of them and they're brawling, all over the table.
"Cut it out!" exclaims Emily, but they're not listening. There's too much hair pulling, punching, kicking aand biting going on. "Guys, please!"
"Gentlemen!" booms a voice and the North Carolinians pause to find that Vince McMahon is on his feet. "Take it out in the hall. Camera two, get on them!"
The three fighters jump down off the table and slip through the door. As they go, Matt's voice rings out.
"Both of you need Mattitude adjustments."
And the last thing that is heard is Shannon.
"That doesn't even make sense!"
Emily glances warily over at the door. "I should go," she decides, nodding. "I mean, I want something left over once they've finished fighting. Lyndelle, get up and call Trish."
"Do I have to?" Lyndelle moans from the floor.
"Yes," Emily nods, exiting the room.
"Fine," Lyndelle sighs, picking herself up, but immediately focussing on Benoit. "Oh, yum." Somehow, with great difficulty, she turns her head to Trish. "Calling Trish Stratus."
Trish stands, smoothing her hands down the front of her matching tank and miniskirt.
"Well, if no one else enjoyed that little show, I sure did. Those OMEGA boys are fine!"
"Damn straight they are," Lyndelle grins.
"Which is she gonna choose?" Trish asks, cocking her head towards the door.
Lyndelle shrugs. "If it was me, I'd say all three, but knowing Em, probably Shanny."
"Okay, but I like Jeff."
"I know," Lyndelle smiles. "But anyway, Trish. Why are you a witness? I suck at writing you."
"That's true, you do," Trish nods. "But someone had to give a diva's perspective on all of this. See, you might think that Mary Sues take away our right, as divas, to hook up with the finest men in the WWE, that Mary Sues don't have a place for us at all. Well, that's not true. Sure, in Mary Sues, we may not be the protagonists we are in some other fics, but we still have important roles - as sisters, cousins, best friends, confidantes and, oh yes, as enemies. We're one of the girls - we have catfights over boyfriends, we plot people's downfall, we become shoulders to cry on. I like Mary Sues, because at least I often get a part in them. If it was up to the slash writers, us women wouldn't exist at all!"
"Except lesbian slash!" Eric pipes up.
"True," Trish nods. "But there's a lot more guy on guy stuff out there…except this one website I found…trust me, you don't wanna go there…"
"Address please?" Eric calls, shoving a laptop on the table and opening it out. "I'm booting up."
Lyndelle gives him a disgusted look. "You know what, Eric? Your three minutes were up a while ago. But now you're starting to bug me. Boys?"
Just then, Chuck Palumbo and Billy Gunn burst into the room, tackle Bischoff and beat him to the ground before picking him up and carting him outside. Rosie and Jamal, who had been flanking Bischoff on either side, politely applaud.
"I wonder how long it's gonna take him to realize we're gay?" Jamal mutters to his partner.
Lyndelle is laughing. "I love that Chuck Palumbo. Have you SEEN the size of his…"
"Moving right along," Emily calls, suddenly entering the room and dragging Shannon by the hand. "Where were we?"
"Questions," Lyndelle tells her. "Any more questions?"
"I got your question!" A typically unshaven Stevie Richards springs to a standing position and stares at them as though he's psycho, high or both. "Mary Sues are stupid! Stupid!" With that, he lets out a psychotic laugh, pushes past the Big Show and sprints out of the room.
Lyndelle goes to exchange a glance with Emily, but notices her friend is too busy with Shannon.
"Well, that was an interesting outburst," she smiles instead. "I guess he doesn't know that the best wrestling fic I've ever read was a Mary Sue starring him. Oh well. Any sensible questions?"
"All rise for the king of the world is about to speak!" Chris Jericho screams, pushing down on the table and getting to his feet. "Sit down, you assclowns!" He stares mockingly over at Lyndelle and folds his arms. "So basically what you ladies are trying to tell us is that all of you Mary Sues are just a bunch of filthy, dirty, disgusting, brutal, skanky, bottom-feeding trash bag ho's?"
"Well, not all of us," Lyndelle shrugs. "Is there a problem?"
Jericho smirks and unfolds his arms. "No, no problem. I was just wondering where the king of the world could go to get in line?"
Lyndelle gives him a dazzling grin. "Marriott, room 234. And take Benoit with you. I definitely won't be writing about that part. Plus, you can get rid of the other three. When I think about it, the two of you will do just nicely."
Just then, another, previously silent, voice calls out. "If I can be serious for a minute."
"And you," Lyndelle nods, indicating Lance Storm with her hand. "Actually, keep Christian. We'll make it a Canadian theme."
"Count us in!" exclaim Test and Edge, racing after their countrymen.
"Edge!" Kurt shouts. "Come back here! You're supposed to help…Edge!"
Lyndelle lets out a laugh. "Now, Kurt. It seems we've reached our final witness. And that, my friend, is you."
Kurt pouts and stands up, his stance defensive. "I don't like Mary Sues, not one little bit," he states. "I've worked all my life to get where I am today. I've trained and trained and trained to be the best. And I don't like the fact that someone like you, who hasn't had a day of wrestling training in her life, can waltz on in, break a million hearts and take all the good titles. It's not fair!"
"But Kurt," Lyndelle replies. "Haven't you ever had a dream, a fantasy?"
"Yeah, and it was going to the Olympics and representing my country!" Kurt snaps. "I didn't just write it down. I trained hard to achieve my dream and now I'm an Olympic freakin' gold medallist. Oh, it's true!"
Lyndelle laughs. "Have I ever told you I love it when you say 'freakin''?"
"You do?" Kurt frowns. "Oh wait. You're not getting me like that. No freakin' way! I hate you people, always taking the easy way out, always getting what you want."
"Kurt, have you ever tried to write a story?" Lyndelle asks. "It's not easy. You've gotta have a beginning, a middle and an end and you've gotta try and keep your reader interested throughout. I mean, your wrestling writers can't even manage to do that during one show, that's how hard it is."
"You know what?" Kurt cries, sticking his fingers in his ears. "I'm not listening to you. You're just gonna try and manipulate me through words and I'm not falling for it."
"But Kurt, isn't that the point of fiction, Mary Sue or not?" Lyndelle argues.
"Lalalala!" Kurt sings, completely off key. "I can't hear you. Lalalala!"
"Kurt!" Lyndelle shouts. "Kurt? Oh, forget it. Witness can step down. Taker, sit him down for me. To summarize, Mary Sues are here for a reason. They're a piece of fantasy-fulfillment and are fun for both writer and reader. All stories, when driven by characterization, style and plot, are worthwhile forms of expression and if you don't read Mary Sues just because you 'hate Mary Sues', then it really is you who is missing out. Thank you."
The room erupts into a sea of applause. Even Shannon stops kissing Emily long enough to put his hands together. And just then, there's a shout.
"You took my title! I was the undisputed champion and you took my title!"
"Get her, Brock! Get her!"
Lyndelle spins around to see Brock Lesnar charging towards her.
"Well," she nods coolly. "It's about time you got here."
She leaps up just as he takes off and crashes heavily against his chest, her arms locked around his neck.
"Man," she murmurs. "You really do have the sexiest lips."
And then she kisses him passionately as Paul Heyman cheers them on.
"Well," Vince comments, giving a little nod. "I honestly can't say I saw that one coming. Forum dismissed."
THE END
A/N: So ends my little manifesto on Mary Sues. Seriously, people who hate them just because of what they are truly piss me off. I know of some great Mary Sues (like I said, that one with Stevie is the best fic I've EVER read, and I've read a heck of a lot of fic), from fantasy, romance, action, mystery, you name it. A lot of you writers out there are truly talented. But for now, I'm gonna plug works by the characters I wrote about here.
My Mary Sue is 'Rogue Angel' and I really am proud of it. Find it here (cut and paste the link): http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=867969
Shadow has two works thus far and both are well worth reading. The Fire Within (features Jezebel): http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=751855
Making Their Way (a great story!!!): http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=939406
And finally, Andrea, as I said earlier, doesn't write Mary Sues, but she does have a fic up and I urge you to check it out.
Everything Changes: http://fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=919962
Please review me and let me know what you think of Mary Sues (and this story). Flame if you want. I don't care! Lol.