Notes: I originally posted this fic under an old account on June 26, 2011.

with contribution from awesomousse, nemiicon, nijibug, and spartytoon on Twitter

#cinderella

-x-

Once upon a time, on a dark and stormy night, a young boy was suffering from insomnia.

"That Bakasugi," he grumbled, sitting cross-legged on his futon and busy devouring a three-gallon tub of strawberry ice cream. "He did it on purpose, telling a stupid story about a stupid world with no sugar, and now I can't – ngh?"

The door to his room slowly slid open, and someone tiptoed in, hunched over like a teenager sneaking into his house after curfew. Gintoki blinked when a dramatic flash of lightning lit up the silhouette. "Zura!" he blurted out. "What are you doing here? Can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura. And hush, Shoyo-sensei is resting." Katsura knelt down by the futon, folding his legs neatly beneath him, and eyed the half-consumed tub of ice cream. "You'll get sick if you eat all of that, Gintoki."

"Shaddup, I'm not giving you any. Besides, it's Takasugi's fault. I feel obligated to make up for the poor, deprived souls roaming his world." Gintoki broke off and gaped when he spotted a shiny, black device complete with sparkles™ cradled in Katsura's arms. "Oi, Zura, that looks suspiciously like – "

"Gintoki," Katsura interrupted. "Do you know why Cinderella is called Cinderella?"

"Huh?"

"Cinderella is a tragic story about a beautiful, young woman from Kansas who enlisted the help of her seven Tupperware friends to free a frog prince trapped in a tower during an oppressive regime, and then they lived happily ever after."

"That makes no sense! How is it 'tragic' if they lived happily ever after? And nothing you said is actually from Cinderella; they're from other D***** movies! Well, except the 'beautiful, young woman' part, but that's universal so it doesn't count. And why are you acting like a mother who's tucking her son into bed with bedtime stories?"

"Shh, Gintoki," Katsura whispered with a finger to his lips. "The first paragraph said you were suffering from amnesia, so I thought – "

"You mean insomnia!"

Katsura furrowed his brows. "Anyway," he continued. "If you would just listen to what I have to say, you'll understand why Cinderella is a tragic story."

Resisting the urge to yank on Katsura's ponytail, Gintoki twitched and shoved another scoop of melting ice cream into his mouth, the cold sweetness alleviating some of his annoyance. Some days, he wondered why he even bothered.

"Once upon a time," Katsura began. "There was a young one named Cinderella who lost her mother. Her father, concerned for her well-being, decided to remarry. However, Ailuropoda Melanoleuca is an endangered species, so her father could only find a mate from the Talpidae family."

Gintoki gagged as he inhaled some ice cream down his windpipe. After a coughing fit, he managed to point out, "You mean the panda is an endangered species so her father remarried a mole? If he couldn't find another panda, why didn't he just marry another bear? Actually, how did Cinderella become a panda in the first place?"

"Calm down, Gintoki," said Katsura. "A panda marrying into a mole clan would exemplify more effectively the social inequality and repression across the species divide." He cleared his throat. "As I was saying, Cinderella's father married a mole, who had two daughters of her own named Hansel and Gretel."

"Oi, Zura-kun, you're mixing up fairy tales again."

"Gintoki," Katsura reprimanded. "Just because two characters share the same name doesn't mean they're the same character. These two step-sisters just happen to be called 'Hansel' and 'Gretel.' They have no association with that Hansel and Gretel."

Gintoki could feel his eyes glaze over.

"Hansel and Gretel, incidentally, were huge tennis fans, but they lacked the talent to play it well. On the other hand, Cinderella had a gift for tennis but no confidence in her ability. In order to tap Cinderella's hidden potential, Hansel and Gretel conspired with the Prince of Tennis to hold a nationwide tennis tournament."

"This is starting to sound a lot like sports manga..."

Katsura paid no heed to Gintoki's remark. "Prince Jimmy Yamazaki agreed, believing that the tournament would be the perfect opportunity to demonstrate his unmatched skills."

"Who the hell is Jimmy Yamazaki? This is before the Joui War!"

"However, Hansel and Gretel understood that Cinderella would not show up if it was simply a tennis tournament, so they spread the rumor that the Prince was also looking for a bride. After all, which girl wouldn't want to marry a prince? To add insult to injury, the step-sisters commanded Cinderella to stay at home while they attended the tournament. Cinderella, being the tragic heroine, could only cry and cry while she was locked up tragically in the cold and lonely cellar. 'I will play tennis,' she cried. 'I will play!'

"And then!" Katsura snatched the empty ice cream container out of Gintoki's grip despite the latter's protest and raised it above his head as though he was performing a sacrificial ceremony. "A duck-penguin named Elizabeth appeared!"

"Oi, why did the fairy godmother turn into a duck-penguin? Why is she named Elizabeth? What are you doing with my ice cream container? Oi!"

"Elizabeth held up a sign, 'Wherefore are you crying, little one?' Cinderella responded, 'I have been left behind because I did not believe in my tennis skills, but I do now. Oh dear Elizabeth, please let me go to the tournament. I want to play against the Prince of Tennis! I want to marry him!' Elizabeth held up another sign, 'You may go, but be sure to return before midnight.' 'I promise,' cried Cinderella."

Katsura grabbed the ice cream scoop and gestured it over Gintoki's head. "One, two, three, KIRABOSHI!"

"Hey wait a sec! Where did Star Driver come from?"

"And so," Katsura carried on with great fervor. "Elizabeth equipped Cinderella with the appropriate war gear before her departure, but nevertheless, on the way to the palace, Cinderella's Gundam was attacked by five Shinsengumis. Four Joi patriots intervened. As a result, the Gundam exploded, killing three Shinsengumis. Gintoki, in life we must make sudden, difficult, and painful decisions. How big is Jackie's nose?"

"I have no idea what you're saying anymore!" Gintoki yelled.

"Jackie's nose is important," Katsura explained. "Cinderella knocked off Prince Jimmy's silver nose during the tournament, but she had to flee while the clock chimed twelve, leaving the Prince no choice but to travel all over the kingdom to track down who had his nose."

"I meant the Shinsengumi! I already told you this story is set before the Joui War, so the Shinsengumi doesn't exist yet. Why are they in your Cinderella story?"

"This is mystical foresight, Gintoki. In the future, we will walk down different paths, but do not worry, the two of us will remain best friends through thick and thin, even if our destinations are far apart. Takasugi, however – "

The door slammed open, and the two of them jerked their heads up.

Takasugi stormed in. "Zura, give me back my console!"

"It's not Zura, it's Katsura."

Gintoki looked down at the shiny, black device sitting on Katsura's lap. "Oh, so it is Takasugi's brand new Mega Drive..." Then something clicked in his mind, and he grabbed Katsura's collar. "Oi, Zura! You didn't come here to tell me a bedtime story, did you? You came to hide in my room!"

"Wait, Gintoki, let me explain – "

"Explain when you're in hell!"

"Ow, ow, ow, not the hair!"

...And so, that was the story of three friends on a dark and stormy night once upon a time.

-x-

The scene that didn't make the final cut:

"You'll get sick if you eat all of that, Gintoki."
"Shaddup, I'm not giving you any."
"It's not Shaddup, it's Katsura."