The Note

by SleepingEmpires

It's been months since Hawkeye has returned to normal life. Almost a year. He tried to get back to the life he once had, but his post-traumatic stress disorder got worse and worse by the second. And he can't do it anymore. Hawkeye has reached the end of the road, and he knows it. So, he writes a letter to the only person he knows will understand. (trigger warning: implied suicide)

Dear Beej,

I can't do this anymore.

I miss you a whole lot more than I ever thought I could.

Months have passed and it feels like centuries. I am not okay. I thought I was. Sidney thought I was. But I'm not. I am still not okay and I have been living a lie ever since I got back. Dad doesn't see it. I keep it from him to keep him from worrying. Thank god the clinic has him busy, or he'd never be off my ass.

I can't do this anymore, Beej. The nightmares are too much. Too real. I see them everywhere. The bodies of the young men I couldn't save. Sometimes I'm drowning in them. Their faces are everywhere, and even drinking doesn't stop it. Beej, the jokes don't come easily anymore. And I've tried talking to a psychiatrist, therapist, whatever. Nothing. Nothing is helping.

I can't fucking do this anymore. People look at me and treat me like I'm a wounded animal. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm at the end of the road.

So, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry for what's about to happen. I miss you. A lot. And you're my best friend, and I wish I could be okay, but I'm not. I'm a broken man. And I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry.

I'm so, so, so, so sorry. This truly is goodbye.

I love you, buddy. I'm glad I met you. I'm glad you're my best friend. I don't know what my life would be like had I not met you.

I'll see you on the other side, Beej.

Hawk