We were boxing, we were boxing the stars
We were boxing (we were boxing), you were swinging for Mars
And then the water reached the West Coast
And took the power lines (the powerlines)
And it was me and you (this could last forever)
And the whole town was under water, there was nothing we could do
It was dark blue
Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? Well I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning (burning) down, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room? Well I'm here with you
I said the room could be burning now, there's nothing but dark blue
If you've ever been alone in the dark blue
If you've ever been alone, you'll know (you'll know)
~Dark Blue, Jack's Mannequin
(r a c h e l pov)
You're just so angry.
You're furious.
And it's all the time now.
There used to be a flash of rage when you felt ice sliding down your face, a moment of anger when someone called you Manhands or RuPaul. But the fury was just that, momentary.
It isn't anymore.
Now it's like there's this pool of anger deep in your chest and each time someone slams your locker shut when you're trying to put books away, every time Quinn gives you that vindictive smirk, every time someone insults you for no reason, it grows larger. It feels like this pulsing, writhing mass in the place where all your hopes and dreams used to be.
A fist slams into your locker right by your head, the sudden noise making you flinch. Karofsky continues down the hall, his snickers almost covered by Santana's mocking laughter.
You think bitch before you can stop yourself.
It's the first time you've ever even thought about calling someone else a cruel name.
Later that day, you're walking towards the auditorium to hide out during your last free period. Sure, you could be like the rest of the school and go home when your last class is study hall, but that's against the rules.
And you're Rachel Berry.
And you don't break rules.
On your way, you see Sam walking in the opposite direction. He nods at you, a slight smile curling his lips.
Then the remains of a cherry slushy are sliding down his face, his eyes blinking rapidly in what you assume is shock. The hockey Neanderthals keep walking down the hallway, laughing and high-fiving. You notice Quinn on the other side of the hall, talking with Finn at his locker.
She glances at her ex-boyfriend, her eyes indecisive. Then they close off and she pulls back, turning away from him.
You look at him and see that he's looking at her, hurt dimming his eyes. You step forward without a second thought, wrapping your hand around his. He turns his gaze on you, looking shocked, so you lace your fingers through his and tug him towards the boy's bathroom down the hallway.
It's a complete coincidence that it happens to be the opposite direction of Finn and Quinn.
You sit him down on the chair kept in the bathroom precisely for this reason, gently moving his head back and beginning to rinse the red ice out of his blonde hair. He relaxes under your fingers, closing his eyes and unclenching his jaw.
You hear the door open behind you, but before you can turn to look at who just came in, he speaks.
"She should go professional, right, Evans?" Noah moves to stand beside you, Sam's things in his hands. "Told you you were good at this shit, Berry."
You just giggle, continuing to wash Sam's hair. "Aren't you supposed to be in chemistry right now, Noah?" you question, trying to see if you got rid of all the red dye. He just snorts at you, leaning against the sink behind you. "Oh, right. Silly question. Forgot who I was talking to for a moment," you quietly murmur back at him.
Noah chokes on a laugh behind you and Sam's eyes finally open, amusement clear in them. "Well, well, Berry. You just made a joke. Like, an honest to God joke at someone else's expense. I'm so fucking proud in this moment. Who cares if it was kinda lame? It was a start. We'll have you cursing in no time," Noah muses and you know without looking that his brow is furrowed in concentration and his eyes are greener than usual with amusement.
You take a moment to contemplate how bizarre it is that you know Noah Puckerman's facial expressions without looking at him and then you start to hum softly without realizing it.
It's taking longer that usual to get all the coloring out of Sam's hair because it's so light and the cherry slushies dye everything they touch bright red anyways. Finally, you manage to get everything out and Sam thanks you quietly, his eyes still sad from Quinn's indifference.
He grabs his shirt from Noah, who must've grabbed it from his gym locker, and changes right there. You do not glance at his abs and you most certainly don't bite your bottom lip or flush with appreciation. You look away as he pulls his new shirt on, Noah's amused eyes meeting yours.
You stick your tongue out at him without stopping to think about the immaturity of the action.
He laughs appreciatively, reaching out and snagging your bag, slinging it over his shoulder with his own. "C'mon, Evans," he calls back over his shoulder, grabbing your hand and pulling you out into the hallway.
He starts in the direction of the parking lot and you think about protesting, about missing Glee and Nationals and letting down your team members.
Then you remember Finn's hypocrisy and the look in Sam's eyes when Quinn turned away from him. Santana's laughter rings in your ears and you can practically see everyone rolling their eyes at your 'diva attitude'.
The anger in your chest wells up again.
Noah walks out to his truck, Sam right behind the two of you. He drops your bags in the back, motioning for Sam to do the same, and then helps you into his too-high truck.
"I'm not a midget," you protest when you notice the glint of laughter in his eyes. He smirks at you and Sam laughs and you think that you probably lost that argument without either one of them speaking a word.
You huff and cross your arms, sliding into the middle seat and glaring at the wind shield. Sam slides in on your left side, his thigh warm against yours. You stop glaring and focus on not blushing.
Noah jumps in and starts the truck, his arm reaching around to play with your hair.
"So, where are we going anyways?" you finally ask as he pulls out of the school parking lot, the bell ringing behind you. You think about the fact that Glee will be three members short this week and a smirk covers your lips before you can stop it.
"You really thought I would forget?" he scowls, glancing at you and tugging on the hair twined around his fingers.
You shrug uncomfortably and look away from him. "Finn did," you respond, noticing the curious look on Sam's face.
Noah growls. "Well, Finn's a douche. Forget him. We're meetin' up with Beyonce and his lover at that coffee shop you're all in love with. And we're celebrating. You're sixteen today Rach. That shit's something to appreciate," he responds easily, his hand moving back to the steering wheel.
"It's your birthday?" Sam questions incredulously.
You shift to look at him, frowning at the slight hurt in his eyes. "Yes. I was going to tell everyone, but then I figured that no one would care and I didn't want to listen to Santana's mockery or Finn's fake apologies for forgetting. I apologize if it hurt your feelings."
"But I didn't get you a present," he pouts, the hurt in his eyes lightening at your explanation.
Noah snorts out a chuckle. "Neither did I, Frog Lips. We're leavin' her with Hummel and his boy toy while we go find something. Calm your shit," he mutters, pulling into the parking lot of your favorite coffee place.
Blaine and Kurt are out front, smiling and holding hands as they wait for you. Kurt raises an eyebrow at Sam's presence but before he can get any questions out, Noah yanks him over to the side. Blaine wraps you up in a warm hug, the conforting friendliness of it causing you to sigh and melt against him as tension leaks from your frame.
"Happy Birthday, Rae!" he exclaims, keeping his arms around your waist when he notices your relaxed state. You smile at him in thanks and the understanding in his eyes almost makes you cry.
Ever since the 'date' the two of you went on, you've been talking to one another on the phone. He probably knows as much about you as Kurt and Noah do, maybe even more. He knows about all the stress you've been feeling in Glee, that you're angry all the time.
So he holds you up when you melt against him without a complaint or a question.
"Why are all the good ones gay?" you jokingly mutter into his collar. It startles a loud laugh out of him and he's still chuckling when Kurt makes his way back over.
"Diva! Happy Birthday, Rach. You're going to love your present. It's from Blaine and I, but we're not allowed to give it to you until your knight in shining Mohawk comes back with his present. Well, his and Sam's I guess. Care to explain that one?" he asks as he links his arm through yours.
You explain what happened as the three of you walk into the café, Blaine detaching himself from your side to go order while you and Kurt find a table.
"Seriously though, Rach. Are you all right? It's your birthday! You should be smiling!" he states, the worry in his expression lightening when you laugh at his demand that you smile.
"I just… I thought he would remember. But that's silly, right? I mean, we're not together any more and he never remembered what we were doing together when we were actually together anyways," you respond, consciously keeping your hand from reaching up to play with the gold star around your neck.
"Oh, honey," Kurt murmurs sympathetically, his hand reaching out to cover yours. You just shrug at him, a sad half-smile on your lips.
"It's no less than what I expected," you say firmly, even as your hand twists underneath his so that you can clasp his hand fully.
He just nods and links his fingers with yours, smiling excitedly and chattering on about how he and Blaine got together. The two of you are laughing and gossiping and catching up when Blaine comes over, one cup of coffee about to fall from his hands as he reaches the table. You laugh as you reach up to grab the cup and Blaine collapses into the seat next to Kurt.
The two boys automatically lean into each other as the three of you catch up and a broad grin covers your face.
You're happy that they're happy.
It's about fifteen minutes later, and you're beginning to fidget.
Sure, you didn't tell anyone about your birthday. But now that you knew that these four knew, you wanted presents. You're glancing at the door every three seconds and Blaine's laughing at your impatience when Sam and Noah finally walk in. they spot you guys and exchange a few words, Noah coming over while Sam heads to order.
You pout when you notice that neither one of them has a bag. That's also when you notice that Kurt and Blaine don't have a bag either, and your pout deepens.
"Miss me that much, Berry?" Noah teases as he falls into the chair on your right side, his hand reaching out to smooth away the lines that formed on your forehead when you began to pout.
You sigh and pointedly look away from all of them, determined to stare at the hideous painting on the wall until they give you your presents.
Sam slips into the seat on your left, handing Noah a cup as he settles down.
"You want your presents, Rae?" Blaine laughs, his amusement at your antics clear.
You turn a mega watt grin on him, clapping your hands together and bouncing slightly in your seat as you nod. "I love presents!" you squeal, smiling excitedly at the four of them.
Noah and Blaine grin back, Sam laughs and Kurt shakes his head amusedly.
"Well then here you go, Diva. From Blaine and I," Kurt speaks, holding out a slim box.
You open it slowly, a glimmer of gold catching your eyes. A charm bracelet is shimmering in the box, the chain thin and delicate.
A set of Pointe shoes dangle off it, along with a treble cleft and a gold star. A B is hanging next to a K on one side, the last charm a mini playbill. The six charms are evenly spread out, all bright gold.
Tears fill your eyes as you clasp it around your left wrist, a warm smile crossing your lips at their thoughtfulness. "Thank you," you murmur, reaching across the table to kiss each one of them on the cheek.
Noah's smirking at you when you sit back, holding out another slender box. "I stole Hummel's idea. And then Sammy Boy joined in, so I guess we stole Beyonce's idea," he says musingly, his eyes narrowing in thought.
You gently smack his arm before grabbing the box, opening it faster than the first one. Another charm bracelet lies inside, this one slightly less delicate and not as shimmery. The chain is thicker, the gold gleaming instead of glittering.
An N hangs off one end, a lighting bolt next to it. You laugh at that one, because you're pretty sure that Noah's the only one who knows you're addicted to Harry Potter, and it's only because he was the one who addicted you way back before high school began and everything got messed up. A red heart is opposite it, the only color besides gold on both of the bracelets. Next to the heart there's a slushy cup that startles another laugh out of you. A cluster of stars dangles next to the lighting bolt, a S opposite the N completing the bracelet.
You don't hesitate to slip it on to your left wrist as well, right underneath the other one.
They fit perfectly together, none of the charms catching and the dull gold balancing out the bright.
You swallow back tears that you feel are unnecessary, instead allowing another mega watt grin to grace your face.
"Thank you, so much," you mutter again, pecking Noah quickly on the lips before doing the same to Sam. "So," you start, your voice so sweet that both Kurt and Noah are looking at you with some amount of dread in their eyes, "dinner?"
Everybody agrees.
You tell them that there's a new vegan place you've been dying to try.
Groans echo around the table as you laugh excitedly and remind them that it's your birthday.
"Fine, Berry," Noah grumbles, the last to agree, "but you're eating a fuckin' steak on my birthday."
You giggle again and tell him that, no, you definitely aren't, as your group of five walks out the door.
Best birthday.
Ever.
The next day at school, all your anger is back.
Mr. Schuster pulled you aside to berate you for not showing up to Glee and Finn had been staring at you with hurt puppy dog eyes all day. Quinn glared at you whenever she noticed Finn looking at you and Santana snarled every time she saw you with Noah.
You eat lunch with Noah and Sam, both of them grinning when they notice the charm bracelet still on your wrist.
Things are okay for a little while, but then Finn corners you in the hallway before fifth.
"Rachel, look, uhm, Kurt yelled at me again last night. So, sorry, that I, like, forgot your birthday and stuff. But, you know how bad I am at remembering stuff. Besides, we're not together anymore, right? So you, uh, can't be mad?" he says, unaware that his words are causing you to clench your hands into tiny fists.
You don't respond to him.
You can't respond to him.
"You know, you could at least say something. This is why we broke up in the first place! All you do is hurt me and treat me bad!" he fumes, literally stomping one foot before leaving to go find Quinn.
You're so angry that you can't breathe.
Then you notice Sam.
He must've been standing on the other side of the hall, because you hadn't seen him when you were glaring up at Finn. He cocks his head and looks at you contemplatively for a moment. Then he takes a few steps forward and links his left hand with yours.
"You shouldn't have to be anything other than who you are, Rachel," he murmurs, his eyes warm, "and you most definitely aren't a hurtful person. You're an amazing person, one that cleans me up after slushies and protects Puck from some of the crueler gossip about Beth," you start slightly in surprise, you didn't know that anyone knew about that last one. "You rallied everyone to protect Kurt and you didn't freak out on Blaine when he used you to try and figure out if he was gay or not, you just helped him through it without a fuss. You're an amazing person, Rachel Berry. And Finn Hudson is a dumbass."
His hand squeezes yours once more before his fingers slip away and he beings to walk down the hall.
As your eyes follow him, tracing the strong line of his shoulders and his bright hair, your hand slowly slides to the back of your neck.
You grip the clasp on your necklace, the golden star that Finn gave you falling away as you allow it to float to the ground.
A little bit of your anger slips away with it.
"Rach, I found this in the hallway. You must've lost it, right? That was kinda careless of you," Finn announces as he walks into Glee, the gold star necklace that he gave you on Valentine's dangling from his clumsy fingertips. You know that Noah, on your right, is rolling his eyes and Sam, on your left, has gotten a lot tenser.
You just look at him for a little while, well aware that all of the Glee club is awaiting your reply. "I didn't," you respond, your fingers moving to twirl the two new bracelets around your arm.
"You didn't what?" he asks, his eyes darting to your wrist before he dismisses whatever he thinks he sees.
"Lose it," you can practically feel the pride radiating off your two boys and the shock from the other members is palpable. They've never heard you use two words where twenty will do.
But who cares what they think anymore?
Noah and Sam and Blaine and Kurt all love you.
And they don't care about the way that you speak.
"But… then why was it on the floor in the hallway?" he questions, his eyes narrowed in the beginnings of rage. It's the puppy dog confusion written all over his body that makes you answer though.
"Because it wasn't ever really mine," you respond, your voice getting lower and that ever-present rage beginning to thrum through you. "It was Quinn's and Santana's and it was never meant for me, Finn. And I don't want it to be, not anymore. It's too heavy."
You hope he understands what you're trying to say, because you don't actually want to say it.
"What is that supposed to mean?" he hisses, one hand flying up to point at you angrily.
You sigh. "It means we don't fit, Finn! It means that you never stopped loving Quinn and that you fucked Santana," you snarl, ignoring the gasps when you curse. The fury thrumming through your veins is making your cheeks flush and your eyes sparkle, Sam's hand on your back and Noah's hand on your leg the only thing keeping you sane. "It means that we made each other miserable and that you forgot my birthday yesterday and four boys I didn't date for months remembered it! It means that we're done."
It's the hardest thing you've ever done, standing up to the boy that you thought you would love forever.
But as you walk from the room, Noah and Sam on either side and charm bracelets cheerily jingling on your left wrist, you realize that it's okay. That you survived.
That he didn't break you.
A little bit more of the anger fades as a smile covers your face.
Noah and Sam are arguing as you walk down the hallway about what the three of you are going to go do after school. You have no desire to watch Avatar again or play Call of Duty, and you tell them so when they ask for your opinion.
They exchange a glance and you start running before they can grab you, laughter spilling from your lips as they try to catch you. Sam gets to your first, wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling you completely off the ground.
As he and Noah tickle you mercilessly and you giggle helplessly, you realize that maybe it's okay that things aren't okay, that you're angry in a way you weren't before, that Finn forgot your birthday and the Glee Club hated you.
Because now you know that things will be all right.
Eventually.
And, with these four boys on your side, the wait probably won't be so bad.
Sooo. I totally suck, if you read Rolling in the Deep. I'm working on it. This came out instead.
I don't own Glee or Dark Blue.
I hope you guys like it, and that you'll leave a review. And that Rachel wasn't OOC. I tried to develop her a little bit before I changed anything so that the cursing or standing up to Finn wasn't completely out of left field.
Yeah.
Anyways. Thanks for reading and (hopefully) reviewing!