Revelations
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: When Kyle accidentally reveals his attractions, will a strange accident reveal Stan feels the same way, or drive the Super Best Friends apart? Style.
Author's Notes: Yet ANOTHER MSN oneshot. This one was…fun. Despite the dialogue. Especially since I got to write for Stan. …and yet this story is Kyle's POV. Well, because he has more thought in his…so nyah. Anyway, read and review please!! And the new chapter of AMVMC should be up Friday night or Saturday, maybe.
-.-
"Look at my hot ass!" I say, naked from the waist down, shaking it around while I rummage through my underwear drawer for a fresh pair of boxers the morning after a heated round of lovemaking with Stan.
In the mirror, I can see Stan drool.
"You know you want it!" I say teasingly, giving it another little shake.
"Um...duh?" he says, with a goofy little grin.
"You're too easily amused!" I chuckle.
"I can't help it if I want to wear your ass as a hat for all eternity!!"
"I'm sure you'd rather do more…"
"Till we're sixty and too old and wrinkly to do 'That' anymore," he says. "Then it's ass-as-a-hat time!"
"Well until then…" I say, dropping the fresh pair of boxers and turning to face him with a sexy grin lighting up my face. He comes up to give me a kiss. The kiss soon becomes a repetition of what we'd done the previous night…
…and then I wake up, hard as hell and alone in my bed.
"Ah, crap," I tell myself, rubbing my eyes to look around at my dark room. It's a little after midnight. "It was just another dream..." I tell myself, sadly.
"Whatsadream?" Stan's voice comes from the floor next to me. Oh, fuck…he's sleeping over tonight. Oh, THIS is just fucking WONDERFUL. The one person I DIDN'T need to be having faggy fantasies about tonight, and he's IN MY ROOM after I wake up FROM one of those fantasies…quick, make up an excuse, damnit, Kyle!!
"Ah, crap..." I reply. "Nothing!" Oh, yeah, GENIUS, Kyle…you fucking R-TARD!
He snickers. "Did you wet yourself, Kyle?"
I look down, surveying my situation. It's not good. I've got definite tentage going on. Oh Christ... Oh God... Buddha, Allah, Moses, ANYONE, HELP ME!! "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," I reply, in another display of genius.
"Did you have a Very Good Dream, Kyle?" he asks, teasingly. Oh, if only you knew the half of it, Stan…actually, wait, much better that you DON'T.
"DON'T LET HIM KNOW!" my mind screams at me. I have an absolute deer-in-the-headlights look on my face, which apparently gives Stan all the answer he needs.
He sits up and pulls his pillow to chest like a teenaged schoolgirl. It's things like that which set my heart all atwitter. "So?" he asks. "Who was it? Do I know her? Is she hot? Has Kenny got her yet? Do you like her in RL? Do we have any classes together?"
"Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..." I fumble, deciding to just play along with his heterosexual assumptions, "you know 'her', 'she' is HOT, Kenny had bloody well NEVER get 'her' or I'll fucking murder him, and we DO have classes together..."
"So? Who? What'd you two do?" he asks, sounding quite enthralled.
"I haven't done anything, sadly."
"Then why are you so worried, or happy, or whatever the fuck you are?"
Intelligent questions from Stan? AH CRAP!! "I, uhhhhh..." I begin. I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT!!
"Oh, c'mon, I can see your boner plain as day. Spill, buddy! What'd you two do in that fun dream of yours?"
"ARGHHHHHHHHHH IT'SNOTAGIRL!!" I scream, out of pure frustration before I realize what I said. Oh shit. I was meant to think that part. Well, bye-bye Stan, it's been GREAT knowing you…
"OK. So, you're going gay on me, then? Alright, that's cool...still...what'd that guy do to make you so happy and embarrassed to wake up in a room with me?"
"You don't care that I'm gay?" I ask, the astonishment plain on my face.
"'Course not. Why would I?"
"Uhh... I-i-i dunno... just thought it may be a lil odd if you found out your best friends gets a boner seeing you and-"
Oh, Jesus Christ, I DIDN'T, did I? No. No I didn't…oh, son of a BITCH, I !!
"Oh, it was ME? Well..." he says, with a rather pointed cough, "that...explains...a lot..." he says, coughing again. I can tell without looking that he's pointedly NOT looking at me now.
"Yeah," I admit, pulling the blankets over my head. "I'm sorry..."
"Don't be," he says. "You can't help who you wanna fuck..." he adds, sadly, I think. I also think HE'S thinking. Probably something like "How do I let him know that I'd really rather not do HIM?"
I sniffle. "I know you don't feel the same," I say. "I'm sorry," I apologize again, "and now things are gonna be all awkward and weird, and we'll drift apart…" I say, pausing for another sniffle. "I don't want that...I-" I cut myself off. I don't think I should say it. Normally I wouldn't, but now? Might as well, now. "I love you…"
"Oh, GODDAMNIT!" he exclaims. "Ohhhhhhh...why'd you have to saay thaaaaaaat!?! Why couldn't you just lie and tell me it was a chick that would make Kenny explode on sight and she let you play with her titties and stuff? Goddddddddddddd...sleepovers are ruined too, I have to be on the floor until the end of time now..."
"I guess so... I'm so sorry..." I sniffle again. God I'm pathetic… "Just forget it. Just say it was a bad dream in the morning OK?" I say, rolling over, and sniffle again, fighting to hold back tears. Way to go, you stupid fucking moron!
From the muffled noises behind me, I deduce that Stan is trying to smother himself in the pillow. "ARRRRRRGH! I can't just remember it like that, my mind spends all night thinking about the last thing on it when I go to sleep! Why don't your pillows kill!?!"
"Fine, I'll give you something else to think about, I HATE YOU! There! If it's that bad, I'll go sleep on the couch so you're not scared I'll rape you in your sleep!" I shout, jumping out of bed, grabbing a pillow and blanket and walking out.
"It's YOUR goddamn bed! If anyone's sleeping on your couch it's me!!" he exclaims, grabbing his own pillow and blanket and chasing after me.
"But you're the guest! You need to be comfy," I say. First the revelation, and now this. It'll be the last sleepover, I bet…
"But it's your Goddamn house!! Besides, how could I sleep on a bed that I know you've had countless dreams about me...us...in? It'd be creepy! Let me on the couch!!"
"I'm a clean person and change sheets, you know!!" I exclaim, before a dark, nagging voice in the back of my mind pipes up. "Forget it, he doesn't wanna be near you," it says. I sigh. "Ok... sleep where you want!" I feel tears coming on again.
"Fine, I will!!" he exclaims, walking to pass me down the stairs. What happens next, I'll never forget. He entangles his foot in the blanket I'm carrying and slips, tumbling down the stairs...pulling me along when he tries to grab onto me to steady himself. "SHIT!!! OW, FUCK!" he exclaims as we tumble down the stairs. Eventually, our small pile ends up at the bottom of the stairs, with Stan on top of me … and with his lips on top of mine.
"DON'T DO ANYTHING, IT'S NOT A KISS!!" the voice insists.
But, his lips … on mine...him on top of me…
"NO, NO, NO! HE ALREADY FEELS AWKWARD!! DON'T MAKE IT WORSE THAN WHAT IT IS!!!"
This could be my one and only chance!
"DON'T FUCK IT UP MORE THAN WHAT YOU'VE DONE ALREADY!!"
He hates me anyway. I'd best make the most of it. Moving ever-so-slightly, I softly "kiss" him.
He stiffens. Just freezes up for a second, his eyes wide, before he pulls away sharply, leaving me puckered up. "GROSS, dude!!" he shouts. "That's fucking SICK!! Just...no! Go upstairs! Bad Kyle! Bad, bad Kyle!!" he shouts, trying to stand and get away, but he slips on the blanket and falls back down onto me, inadvertently kissing me again.
"SEE WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED? DON'T DO IT AGAIN!!!" the voice screams.
But... he's on me again...
"DO YOU WANT HIM TO HATE YOU AND BE MORE PISSED AT YOU MORE THEN WHAT HE ALREADY IS?"
What if it's a sign?
"HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY BE A SIGN!?!"
He was brought back to me again, maybe fate is trying to make him understand...
"OH GOD, YOU SEE TOO MANY MOVIES!! HE. ISN'T. GAY!!"
But, this feels so right...
"NOT GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!"
…I'm not either, I have never seen anyone but him.
"HE ISN'T INTERESTED!!"
Maybe he's in denial. I need to make him see. I try kissing him again.
This time, he begins vocally protesting. "Goddamnit, no!!" he shouts. "Get me out of here, freak!! Goddamnit, Jew! GET ME OUT OF NYAH!!"
I pull back and away from him as if I've been burned. "TOLD YOU!!"
"Get me the FUCK out of these sheets and just...go upstairs. I'll see you in the morning...I guess..." He looks stricken. Probably wondering why it has to be HIM that I'm attracted to. Truth is, I don't really know myself. I remain seated at the bottom of the stairs, tears streaming down my face. "Goddamnit, JEW!"?! How could he? How could he say something like that? He sounded like fucking CARTMAN! How could he DO that to me? He knows I'm sensitive about my Judaism… I've always been sensitive about my Judaism…and I want him to touch my Judaism…maybe that's it. He called me freak, Jew, and talked like Cartman. Why is he so afraid of me?
He's nesting on the couch, and when he looks at me, he speaks coldly, colder than it must be outside. "I thought I told you to go back upstairs."
I don't plan on moving any time soon. I think I have been literally broken. The person who up until five or ten minutes ago was my best friend in the whole world has turned into an anti-Semitic, homophobic, out-and-out bastard. And I don't understand it. I do not understand it.
"Go upstairs, Kyle. Get out of my sight," he says.
I don't move an inch. It's not that I don't want to. I don't want to be anywhere near this monster that's taken over my Stan. But at the same time, I honestly don't think I'll ever be able to move. I've been hurt more than I thought possible for a single human being to be hurt by another person.
"Outta my sight!!" he orders. "I don't wanna fucking look at you right now!!"
I've still got nothing. I take no pleasure in defying the orders of this bastard. I DON'T want to be here. I want to be as far away from here as possible. Why can't I move? Why can't I talk? Why am I just sitting here, up against the front wall of my OWN GODDAMN HOUSE, silent as a mute?
"You stubborn son of a bitch...and I mean that literally, for you...do I have to come over there and physically kick your ass all the way upstairs?"
I look him in the eyes. They're as cold as ice, sharp as steel. He's trying to intimidate me. That's his intimidation look. But that's not Stan…that's not the boy I love. That's just…God, I don't know. But it's NOT Stan. He's terribly angry, and I don't think it's too hard to guess why.
"Goddamnit, I don't want to have to hurt you...but I will if you don't GET OUTTA MY SIGHT!!" Well…at least he does KIND of care about me. It's a thinly-veiled threat, but I can't help but think there's underlying feelings. Despite all the evidence to the contrary, he does feel something for me. Maybe it's just platonic, but he won't hurt me.
Softly, barely audible, even in the midnight silence that pervades this sleeping house, I murmur "Nothing can hurt me now..."
His tone turns dark, in addition to the chill. "Do you really wanna bet your looks on that? I could break that nose in eight different places with one blow. Those cheekbones? Easy pickings. I could break every bone in your body in ten minutes. And I'll start if you're not up those stairs in two."
"Do what you want." He won't. He really won't. If he was gonna, he would've by now. Violence has always been a last resort for Stan, and even with this monster inhabiting his body, he won't hurt me unless I threaten him with a gun or something. And I don't have a gun. If I had a gun, I prolly would've shot myself by now. This hurts more than ANYTHING he could physically do to me. I dunno if he's ever had his heat broken into millions of pieces by the one HE loves, but it's not a pain that can be duplicated.
"You'd let me hurt you like that? Break your leg bones so you can't walk? Break your arm bones so you can't fight me back? Break your jaw so you can't speak? Break your ribs so you can't breathe? Break your skull? Break your nose? Break your SPINE? All because I don't want to fuck you up the ass? I've given you a chance, Kyle. You could just walk away right now, nothing else said." There's something in that voice that's just PLEADING with me to walk away. So that he can still save face without beating me up. So he can tell anybody that the faggy Jew turned tail and ran when he was threatened with a beating. Well fuck that, I'm staying right here. I know he won't be able to hurt me.
"So this is what you do to a person when you find out they love you. You're threatening to kill me. And isn't it amazing, I still don't feel any different. I couldn't care right now if you do what you say you want to do." I simply don't understand what's happened to him. That's not Stan... Why is he being so cold about this? What did I do to make him go from all accepting to wanting to fucking kill me!?!
"Then you're insane. Get up the stairs before I start swinging."
"Yeah, I'm insane. Says some guy who's threatening to kill me!" I say, getting up, and heading towards the front door. "I don't know what your problem is, but the Stan I know wouldn't be threatening to kill his best friend!" With that, I walk out into the cold February night. Shit, it's cold out here!!
"Get back in your house!!" he screams. I don't listen. Why should I?
"Kyle, you stupid fucker, get back in here!"
I continue not listening, and go out further into the cold night. I know I won't last long, but oh well…
"You're gonna catch pneumonia! You're gonna kill yourself! You're only in boxers and a tee-shirt! This is South Park! In February!! Kyle!!"
"Then I'll make my death quicker and easier for you!" I retort, shivering.
"Pneumonia's not QUICK! It's long, drawn out, painful! You gurgle fluid from your lungs for weeks before you just stop breathing!! It'd be even worse than watching Kenny with his muscular dystrophic disease! Kyle, you bastard, would you REALLY put the one you love through that!?!" Oh wonderful, he's learned how to guilt trip. But I'm not going to fall for it. He doesn't give enough of a shit about me to care if I live or die or gurgle fluid from my lungs for weeks before ceasing to breathe and die.
"You've proven you don't care," I tell him.
"What, just because I don't want to fuck you, that means I can't care for your well-being?" Yep. Exactly. If you're not going to be in a relationship with me, my well-being isn't your problem, you stupid asshat!!
"THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME WANTING YOU TO FUCK ME YOU SELFISH PRICK!! OK, YES, IT'S WHAT I WANT, BUT IF YOU DON'T, FINE!" I shout at him from halfway down my sidewalk. I'm actually amused at how sappy I sound, like the girl from all those stupid ass romance movies I've secretly watched ever since I knew I was gay. "BUT I LOVE YOU!! I ALWAYS THOUGHT WE WERE MEANT TO BE! But I was wrong. All those moments… I thought they may have meant something, apparently not. And as for 'fucking me up the ass?' I'd never want 'sex' from you. I'd only want love from you. Don't think me so low, Stan..."
"You've been watching Brokeback Mountain too much! I couldn't have feelings for you! It's not RIGHT, damnit, Kyle! Now get in here so we can discuss this civilly!!" Actually, I've only seen it once. If you're going to have two cowboys, is it too much to ask for them do be good looking? Like Matt Damon and Leo DiCaprio? C'mon, they'd've been PERFECT for that movie!
"Why is it so wrong?" I ask.
"I didn't say it's wrong, I just said it's not RIGHT! Shades of grey, Kyle! There's nothing wrong with you being gay. I don't care about that. But when you're just going to waste your life pining after me ... THAT'S not right. That doesn't do anybody any good, whatsoever. Now let's get you in here!" he says, braving the cold to drag me inside, where he sits me on the couch with a blanket, and goes to fetch hot chocolate.
I just sit quietly, feeling the tears welling up in my eyes again. But I'm not gonna cry. Not in front of him. I won't give him the satisfaction. I'll wait until this is over and he's safely away from me before I break down.
Stan returns, pressing the cup of cocoa into my hands. "C'mon dude. I dunno what made you think I had secret hidden desires for you, but...best if you just get over them and find somebody else. Butters'd probably be happy to have you for a boyfriend, and he'd be better at it than me anyway. All I've ever known is women. Some guys are wired like you, some like me, and some like Kenny. But all I know is, except for Uncle Jimbo, my entire line is straight as an arrow. And I don't think I could love you like that even if I wanted to," he says, taking a sip from his own cup to warm himself up again.
"I don't want anyone else! Why can't you love me? Is it that bad? I don't understand… we know everything about each other, we're always together, you've even ditched your girlfriends sometimes to hang out with me! Doesn't that count for something? I just don't understand why it's such a crime for you to love me. Does it matter if your whole family is straight? Things change eventually. I can't be with anyone else. I tried, and I failed..." I trail off, forced to pause by another sniffle. Goddamnit, no crying, Kyle!! "Why can't you just try?"
"You're my best friend. You're like my brother. You wouldn't make out with Ike, would you? It's JUST like that, only I'm not Canadian. We're not blood brothers, but our relationship is like this," he says, holding two fingers side by side. "It CAN'T go like THIS," he says, crossing them. "You said things would get awkward if we DIDN'T? Think about how awkward things would get if we DID!!"
"But... Things might work..." I plead, with the tears threatening to spill over again. "W-why can't you-" another sniff, to try and prevent the tears, "love me? I love you so much Stan!! I'd do anything for you! But the one thing I can't do is stop loving you. It's a feeling, not a choice."
"I can't, Goddamnit, I just can't! That's not who I am! That's not WHAT I am!! Kyle, don't say this...you're going to make me cry because this is one thing I can't make you feel better about. I can't comfort you about my inability to return your love...which would mean that I fail as a best friend...which means that YOU shouldn't have anything to do with ME." He sounds so sad…and defeated…and panicked…and confused.
I find myself unable any longer to stop the tears pouring. "It hurts so much! I can't make this stop." I'm clutching my chest to illustrate what I'm talking about. "I-i can't do this! I can't stop it!!"
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no!! Please! Kyle, stop it!" He sounds, and looks, like he's on the verge of tears himself. "Stop! I can't have you loving me! I can't! Please!! Stop it, Kyle!!"
I look him straight in the eyes while tears continue to roll from mine down the sides of my face. "I can't!!"
He breaks under my stare, and begins sobbing as well. "You HAVE to!! You'll ruin us!! I'll have to throw you out of the group! You'll have to join the Goths! They'll make you start cutting! Oh, God, you'll die!! WHY, Kyle!?!"
"No matter what, I can't stop loving you!!! That kiss...did you feel anything? Anything at all?"
His response comes a little too quickly for my liking. And he doesn't even look at me when he says it. "No. Not a thing. And you can never make me admit I did!"
I take careful note that he's avoiding my eyes. There's a reason for that. Now, I just need to find out what that reason is. "Really?"
"Really! Nothing!! I swear on my Grandfather's grave!!" he insists, staring at a spot on the floor in between his legs, and quivering.
He doesn't look very convincing. That's for fucking sure. "Look me in the eyes and tell me that..."
He looks up and stares at my eyebrows. I know he's staring at my eyebrows, because I can only see his bottom eyelid. "Nothing at all!!" He sounds panicky this time, like he just wants me to believe him and drop this entire line of questioning.
In response, I grab his chin and make him look me in the eyes. "These are my eyes!! Now tell me!!!" I insist.
His voice is quavering as he denies it again. "N-n-no-o-o-o-th-th-thi-i-i-i-ng-g-g..."
I keep him looking. There's something about my eyes that scares the hell out him. If I want the truth from him, I'm going to have to scare it out of him. This is the best way to get the truth from him. "Did you feel something, Yes or No? Don't look me in the eye and lie." Oh Pleaaaaaaaaase! If there's a God... PLEASE!
He seems to shatter again, all his strength and fortitude crumbling in front of me and the force of my stare. Finally, after a time, he whispers, fearfully "yes."
He DID!! Oh my God…that explains everything. It explains why he was so threatening to me earlier! He was doing everything he could to prevent me from making him question his own sexuality!! I'm speechless, and I can feel the tears again, but this time they're tears of happiness. "Stan…"
"No...not now...aren't you satisfied for one night, Kyle? You took a perfectly nice conversation and turned into something that's going to destroy the both of us..." It seems he's genuinely afraid he may be gay. And what for? What's so bad about it? The clothes are a lot better, for starters…
"'Destroy us?' Don't you see this may save us? Why didn't you-? Why did you keep-? Stan…"
"We CAN'T be, Kyle! We CAN'T do this!! We'll get SLAUGHTERED! Imagine what Fatboy'll say?"
I'm quite unequivocally stunned. "Is that what you're worried about? About what other people think?"
"Well, aren't they all that matters? It's all well and good for us to know each other in private, but in the Court of Public Opinion, we'd get the death penalty!!"
"I don't care about what other people think! All that matters to me is you. If it means we can only be together for a few minutes everyday, so be it. If the public scares you so much, we don't have to do anything outside. There's always after school. But, the fact that we know what's between us is all that matters. Please, Stan..."
"No...can't...Kyle..." I can't believe he's resisting still. He can't live his life for everyone else! He'll never be happy if he does that. Doesn't he want to be happy? Doesn't he want to be with someone that can MAKE him happy? Why should it matter what gender that person is? If he's happy, then that's all that should matter, and fuck the world!!
Maybe I should kiss him again. Should I?
"He says he felt something, go for it!" Hmm…when did that voice switch over to my side? Oh well, I'll worry about that later. I lean over and lightly kiss him again. Please work…
He returns it, VERY hesitantly. "Mmmm...oh fuck!"
Oh my GOD!! I can't believe it!! "Don't resist it..." I murmur, continuing to kiss him.
He just lets me ... his mind isn't in control anymore. It's probably swimming, fighting his body for control. "Mmm…no, Kyle, we mustn't!!"
I pull back a little. "We can!" I insist. "There's nothing wrong with this! You feel it, I feel it, we both want it... just don't fight it Stan." I wait for him to make his choice: Kyle and happiness, or Everybody Else and a life of misery.
After a brief period of contemplation, he closes the gap to kiss me gently. "Now will you go to bed?"
"Oh Christ... I'm in Heaven! I don't wanna go to bed! I wanna stay right here like this!" I say, and keep kissing him.
He keeps letting me. "Mmm...c'mon, Kyle, we've got school in the morning!! It's 1 AM! Go to beddddddddddddd!!"
"You break my heart, then mend it, better then new, and you want me to go to bed?" I ask with a sigh.
"We both need sleep...we can make out more tomorrow or something."
"You do like me, right?" I ask. "You're not just trying to make me feel better out of pity, are you?"
"You'd never let me get away with that. You see straight through me. I like ... love ... whatever you wanna call it...you."
I'm speechless again. "Stan... Tell me what I've wanted to hear for … God only knows how long…"
"I love you, Kyle Broflovski..."
I think I could absolutely die of happiness right here, right now.
"Right...to bed with you!" he says after a minute of silent gaping from me.
"You really think I can sleep?"
"You have to. I do, that's for damn sure...but at least you'll have sweet dreams?" he asks with a wink.
"I will. But, it's so lonely up there, since you wanna sleep here on the couch," I complain.
"Not tonight! Not after not even five minutes of being a couple! Can't we just take it slow?"
"I'll never rush you. We can go as slow as you want!" I tell him. "I wasn't thinking of 'that' anyway..."
"Your parents would see, anyway...back up to your room, then...but I'll be a lot closer to your bed than normal, Ky..."
"Fine with me! Could I uh..."
"What?"
"Maybe ... have another kiss?"
"Anything. Anything that'll get us asleep," he says, kissing me.
I melt into his arms, allowing him to pick me up in his strong arms and carry me towards the stairs.
"C'mon...bedtime!!" I curl up into his chest as he ascends the stairs, thinking over the events of this night. It won't be easy. Even though I've gotten him to admit to ME that he loves me, I still think he's a little worried about the perceptions of others. I'll have to work with him to get him to tell anyone else that he loves me. To acknowledge our new relationship to the rest of the world. It will take a while, but he loves me and I love him…and I'm content with that, for now.
He lays me in my bed and moves his kit over to lie next to me. I hang my arm over the side, and his hand reaches up to give mine a gentle squeeze. Smiling, I nustle into my pillow and allow sleep to reclaim me, dreaming this time of the time soon to come when Stan will be my pillow.
-.-
Author's Notes: Just to let you all know, there has been a discussion regarding this relationship…and there is material for a second part to this oneshot, if enough of you want.
Let me know!
Phoenix II