Neji: BigBang24 doesn't own Naruto.

Me: That's ri…wait, what the crap, how did you say something? Only I can do that.

Neji: I can do it because I am you.

Me: No, I am me. You're Neji.

Neji: I am also you.

Me: No, only I can be me. Wait, hold up, I know where this is going. Ok, so now I'm Wesley Snipes. Who are you?

Neji: Wesley Snipes.

Me: Ha! I thought you were me, smart guy.

Neji: But you said you were Wesley Snipes.

Me: No. I said that, but I made no move to actually change my name to Wesley Snipes, or any other name for that matter. I'm still name and address withheld from name and address withheld.

Neji: I…damn.

Me: On that note, let's begin.

Summary: Neji's 18th birthday doesn't go as well as he'd hoped, due to finding Kiba, Shikamaru, and Sasuke doing something that most southern Methodists wouldn't approve of, resulting in him trying to become mentally stable again, being pushed to the brink of insanity along the way.

Why Neji Hates his Birthday

Neji woke up with a small grin on his face. Life was great. The girls were drooling over him, he was a shoe-in for Jounin, he got to kick Hinata's ass on a daily basis when they sparred, and, most of all, it was his birthday!

You see, my friend, his birthday was the one day in the year that he was happy. This is because, after everyone discovered that Hinata failed at every aspect of life, including staying fit enough to keep from sweating up a storm in that godforsaken Eskimo coat of hers, Neji had been named heir to the Hyuuga throne. Ever since, he had been spoiled and pampered until he felt like a king every birthday he had.

I can see you out there snickering. Hahaha, foolish writer. It seems to me that Neji loves his birthday. Wow! Did you figure that out all by yourself, or did you have help? Ahem…anyway that would soon change. You see, it all started when he smiled. His cousin, Hanabi, came bursting through his door.

"Hey Neji-kun, have you seen the…." Her voice trailed off as her mouth dangled open in the shape of an o. She had just seen Neji smile. Suddenly, her eyes welled with tears. She once heard from a certain blonde ramen-loving ninja that every time Neji smiles, a puppy dies.

Neji decided to get the hell outta there before he got in trouble for making his cousin cry. He was confused. 'Why would she cry when she saw me? Am I ugly? No, no…ahah! My hair is probably screwed up! I'll go consult with the master of weird-ass hair for help.' Satisfied, he knocked on Shikamaru's door. A few seconds later, Shikamaru answered the door.

Staring at Neji with his signature bored look, he said, "Look, Neji, whatever it is, can we make it quick? I, uh…have company."

Neji, confused at first, suddenly realized what Shikamaru was doing. A smile formed on his face. "Alright Shika! Finally gettin' some! Who'd you do it with? Ino? Temari maybe?"

Suddenly, Kiba came up behind Shikamaru and hugged his waist, resting his head on Shikamaru's shoulder.

"Shika-kun, please come back to bed, Sasuke-kun and I are getting cold." Neji's faced paled (if that's even possible) and he barfed like he'd never barfed before. Just then, Sasuke came up and did the same thing to Shikamaru that Kiba did. The three of them then had a make-out fest. Neji could only watch, unable to glance away- or stop vomiting. Kiba then looked up at the now green Neji.

"Oh, how rude of me. Care to join us?"

That was all it took. Neji ran so fast that he would make Lee without his weights seem average. He then bumped into Naruto, who was right in the middle of stealing weed from Lee. Miraculously, nobody, not even the weed, was harmed.

15 minutes of depressed Neji storytelling later

"And then I puked harder!" Neji had to take a break from story time to sob. Naruto had nothing to say.

"I think I puked out a testicle! Oh god, it was horrible! What did I do to deserve this?!?!? Chuck Norris, have mercy on me!" Naruto still had nothing to say. This made Neji angry, as he had expected some form of sympathy. When he looked up, he saw Naruto talking to "Donald Duck the Ballerina." Neji looked behind where Donald should be. Suddenly, he knew why Donald was only visible to Naruto. It was Lee's weed. It had gotten Naruto high. That could only mean that…it was Lee's fault that Shikamaru turned out to be…that way. He couldn't bring himself to think the word. Neji shrugged. It made about as much sense as anything else had that day. He then dashed off to find Lee, leaving Naruto and Donald behind.

Unfortunately, Neji managed to find him. He had followed the youthful scent of…oh, god! That freak is starting to rub off on me! I need to go find someone that can inflict bodily harm on me that I wouldn't have the heart to press charges against.

I'm back! Anyway, Neji's conversation with Lee was…interesting, to say the least. It went something like this:

Neji: Lee, can I talk to you about something?

Lee: Yes, Neji the youthfully youthful youth! I would be happy to have a youthfully youthful conversation of youth with you. What are the youthful matters of youth you would like to youthfully discuss with youthful little me? Did I mention the youth? No, I don't think I did youthfully mention youth. Okay I will youthfully mention the youthful topic of youth now. Youth. There, I youthfully mentioned the youthful word of youth, which we call youth. Youth.

Neji: Hey, Lee, guess what.

Lee: What?

Neji: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!

Lee: That was very unyouthful of you, my youthful eternal rival of youth.

Neji: I don't believe in youth.

Lee then suffered an almost fatal heart attack. Had he not had such a strong faith in Chuck Norris, he would have died. When he learned that he almost died, he had another heart attack and actually died.

Norris was quoted saying, "You're on your own, kid."

Neji then mentally slapped himself for going to Lee for something. Neji slapped himself back. All of a sudden, Neji found himself in a fierce quarrel with Neji. Neji threw a kunai to keep Neji away from him, however Neji had forgotten about Neji's rotation. Neji used rotation to shoot the kunai back towards Neji, who cursed Neji under his breath. Neji dodged the kunai that Neji had deflected at him, and the kunai hit Neji's common sense part of the brain, taking away Neji's common sense for three seconds. Meanwhile, outside of his mind, Neji screamed, "O.J. DIDN'T DO IT!"

When his common sense returned, Neji realized that he had gone insane. He then knew what he had to do he had to confront the problem head on. Mustering up all his courage, he knocked on Shikamaru's door. The door was answered by Kiba, who was in nothing but a t-shirt and boxers. He grinned widely.

"Looks like you decided to join us after all." Neji shook his head, trying to tell him no, but as he shook his head, some of his hair brushed Kiba's hand.

"Ooooh, Neji, your hair is so soft," said Kiba, as he began to play with Neji's hair, his body coming closer and closer to Neji's.

"Kiba, what the hell are you…Kiba Kib-Kiba, what the hell!!! Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!"

Neji sat up in bed, his eyes wide with fright. It was only a dream. Sighing in relief, he looked at the sleeping form of Naruto next to him, and began to caress his hair. A freaking out Sasuke saw the whole thing.

"Aaaaahhhhhh!!!" Sasuke sat up in bed. It was just a dream. Looking next to him, he saw a peacefully sleeping Sakura. Suddenly, Sakura sat up.

"I love you, Sasuke."

"I love you, too Sakura." Sakura then took off a Sakura mask to reveal Shikamaru, who prepared to rape Sasuke. Kiba saw the whole thing.

"Aaaaaaaaaa-aw, fuck it."

Meanwhile, back in Neji's dream, Kiba and Sasuke took off masks to reveal Temari and Ino, who watched their boyfriend Shikamaru howl with laughter. Feeling a bit bad for tricking poor Neji, Temari turned to Ino.

"Don't you think we were a little mean? I feel like we're going to get screwed over at some point because of this." This caused Shikamaru to smirk a little.

"Oh, you're getting screwed, alright."

Ino sweatdropped. "Yep, we're all definately going to hell."

Suddenly, Shikamaru's car came crashing through the wall. From a distance, a shout from a pupilless boy could be heard.

"Payback is a bitch! Take that, pineapple head!" An evil laugh faded into the distance.

Ugh, I swear. Writing those yaoi parts made me just as green as Neji. I apologize to any weirdly tattooed, crazy haired, or non-pupiled individuals I might have offended in the making of this fic.