Disclaimer: They all belong to CLAMP. -sniff-
So, this is my first fic in English. Hope, you'll enjoy it. )
Please think of the fact that English is not my mother language. As I don't have a beta all mistakes are my own. Advice is always welcomed.
Story takes place during Volume 6. Doumeki has killed the diaphanous woman Watanuki met in the parc.
Here you go!
Wondering
The first time I saw him was on the day we started higher school. I was standing in the hallway and he passed me by.
What eyes, has been my first thought. They are blue and then, there has been this subtle expression of sadness. And loneliness. I had a desire to hug him. I didn't. I feared his reaction. So I simply stood there and watched him.
He hasn't seen me; he had been too lost in his thoughts.
I fell immediately for this guy. Not just his aura was enchanting. Later on, I noticed that he was always nice, polite and caring towards everybody. He was completely lovable. He gets on with everyone.
I think I have never ever met someone so perfect. He's so beautiful and charming.
I guess I am used to being jealous all day long. Before we "officially" met, he never really talked to me or anything. He usually talked to all those giggling girls. He's quite popular among 'em coz he's so affable and sociable. I don't know anyone he isn't nice to. Except me...
At times, I am angry in a way, I could kill everybody. Why doesn't he cope with me like he copes with everyone else?
Still, I was always wondering if he knew that I was there, if he appreciated my existence. His eyes never met mine whenever I saw him.
Yes, it hurt. A lot. But I had a feeling that one day, I' d be able to talk to him, be with him. And this feeling has been proved right.
At first, I didn't know what to do. It just happened. We were eating our lunch together. Kunogi asked me to join them. I was a bit confused when I realized that he was the "other one" she'd been talking about.
I remember his startled face when I joined their little group. He's been slightly angry and unfriendly towards me.
This kind of rejection hurt me. It was as if he'd hate me. Hate me truly deeply. He never missed a chance to insult me and complain about me. He still does it. But not as much as he did when our "relationship" was about to begin.
I bear it calmly. I'm too glad that this wonderful human being is near me and talks to me. So I listen to him and pretend to ignore him in order not to show how happy I am that at least he appreciates my existence in his very special way.
I was quite surprised when he asked me if it'd possible to organize a witching hour in our temple. I knew it wasn't his idea. The woman, in whose store he works after school, had it. And it'd been at a time where he and I didn't know each other well.
Anyway. It was a perfect occasion to be near him. I even started to wonder if he was easily scared. So I agreed. It was obvious that he didn't truly want to be at my temple. But I did not care.
And indeed: he was scared. Even when Kunogi told her story. It was no frightening one but I could see that he was slightly shaking. It was some kinda cute. I could not help watching a little from the corner of my eye.
I also loved the way he reacted when I told him about the dead body in the neighboring room. It was somehow funny.
On this special evening I discovered that he, just like grandpa, is able to see ghosts. And I know that it often causes trouble for him.
Plus, I saved him that night. I hoped that maybe he'd stop quarreling with me.
I really wished he'd accept me as a friend – not as a rival, as I'm not interested in Kunogi.
Why can't he see it? Ain't I obvious enough?
Sometimes I would like to smack him in his face and tell him everything, tell him about my feelings towards him, although I am not sure if he listened or if he understood.
I don't understand why he's always fawning Kunogi. I hate him doing that. She does not like him the way he likes her – or I like him. There's a big difference. Why isn't he aware of it? He rather wastes his time on Kunogi despite the fact that it is completely in vain. Why won't he ever listen? Why doesn't he try to understand? Why does he not see the obvious?
He's a stupid moron. And perhaps I love him because of this.
But I'm certain that someday he'll notice. Till then I have to hope and wait patiently.
I saved his live many times. In school (he wore those cute headphones – what a pity that the snake ate them...), as he had been buried beneath the hydrangea. I dunno why I tried to dig him up out.
It is some kind of duty to help him, to protect him , to rescue and save him.
Just once I hadn't been able to save him. It was the fight against the girl with wings on her back. The fox intervened. He was okay but... I felt so useless. I didn't do anything except watching the fight.
I even did not want to look into the mirror because I was so ashamed of not having been capable of protecting him.
He was not angry at me. But I was.
He is the only one I need. And I want him to need me. But he can't need me when I am that useless. I always wanted to be his guardian.
Our relationship is mutual. He sees the ghosts, I make 'em disappear, chase them away. And he prepares bentos for me – and also saved my life for once. This is how it goes. I'm content with that. In this way, there is a relationship between the two of us. And a silent dependence.
Though we are no bosom buddies, it is better than still being a stranger to him.
I am aware of the fact that he doesn't really want me to be in his life – and especially not between him and his oh-so-wonderful Kunogi. I won't leave anyway. I'll be there for him when he needs me. Till then, I'll wait.
On Valentine's Day, he made chocolate for Kunogi. If she'd been at school: would she've eaten it? I doubt it. And that the reason why I ate it.
Of course, he was angry. It wasn't the finest way I have to admit. But hey, the chocolate wanted to be eaten. I mean, why should he take it to school once again?
Yes, it has been a very, very selfish action.
Kunogi wouldn't have loved it the way I did. I'm sure. She does not love him enough.
She gave the same chocolate she had given to him also to me. That's a sign! And he, the damned idiot, did not notice.
I trust him. He usually knows when a dangerous situation is about to come. I wished he'd trust me. Maybe he does, maybe he does not really. And maybe he doesn't want to.
He hates taking orders from me. At the time, he met this woman, I told him not to do so. But he did it anyway.
This wasn't teasing; I was absolutely serious about it. I love him. I don't wanna loose him.
I wanna protect him. I want to prevent all evil. He shall never be hurt.
That's the reason why I killed her. I'd rather be hated than see him getting hurt or worse, dying. I won't let him leave. Never ever. I swore that.
Now, I'm sitting on the corner of my room, thinking about him and my feelings.
As I told him this evening, I chose him.
If he'll understand what I want to express?
If he's angry at me? Will he talk to me again?
He liked that woman. They were both lonely. I don't want him to feel like that. I wish, he'd let me help him, to let me in his life.
I love him. And I wanna be by his side and never leave until my days are over.
Maybe he'll notice and understand one day.
I really wish so.
I am so sorry. The tenses are horrible!
It is not really angst...
Thanks to everyone who read the text until the end. -bows- Tell me what you think. Don't be shy! But please don't be too nasty with me.