George: We are back! Yes you asked for it, we shall deliver!
Emily: Welcome to 'Do we have to be Related?" This is the final instalment of the 'Related' stories. For anyone new it is best you read the previous three, but I suppose this one could stand alone with the exception of a few in jokes (namely Kai), who is back to his old self after a complaint that he was acting a bit sane. Speaking of sane I have officially lost my mind (and my hearing!) after the immense Green Day I went to on Monday! Just eleven days to go until I see them again at Hammersmith! Yay! Oh andI got my lip pierced!
George: Stop showing off! So without further ado we shall start where we left off in the third Epilogue…drumroll please…'Do we have to be Related?'
Disclaimer: Absolutely diddly squat.
Chapter One – Flying the hobbit flag.
"Daddy! Daddy, where are you? Xavier and Pierre have done it again!" An eighteen year old Ellette came rushing into the small glade where Legolas could often be found sitting near his wife's grave. "Daddy you must come!"
"What is wrong now?" Legolas sighed and placed a calming hand on Ellette's shoulder.
"Xavier and Pierre…they…um…well…"
"Yes?"
"They hoisted Frodo up the flag pole."
"Again?! Those boys really need to stop listening to Kai!" Legolas abruptly stalked off.
"Wait…" Ellette called but it was too late. "They took his pants before they put him up there." She finished to no one in a huff and promptly followed her father.
……
"Don't worry Mr. Frodo, I'll get ye down!" Cried Sam valiantly as he attempted to pull himself up the pole. The poor hobbit had just about got two feet off the ground when he found himself sliding back down and into a heap on the floor. This display was punctuated by a chorus of laughter.
"Gwanur we've really excelled ourselves this time!" Laughed Pierre. (brother).
"Credit to Kai for the hint! Although the pants idea was a nice extra touch!" Xavier collapsed on the floor in a heap of giggles.
"It's a shame Ada would never believe that it was Ellette who thought of that!" Pierre joined his brother on the floor.
"Boys!" The brothers winced at the angry bellow from their father.
"Yes Ada?" They asked innocently.
"Do not 'yes Ada' me! How many time have I told you that the hobbits are not toys for you two to play with?!"
"It was just the once…" Whined Pierre.
"Twice." Corrected Xavier with a slight smirk.
"So you are not counting the time you laced Sam's breakfast with pondweed and told him it was spinach, or the time you told Frodo that snails were an Elvish delicacy, and lets not forget the time you stole my wild stallion and tied Sam to it sending him halfway across Mirkwood!" Ranted Legolas.
"You forgot the time we glued Sam and Frodo's feet to…" Pierre gave Xavier a sharp blow to the ribs to shut him up.
Legolas glowered then shook his head, "I take it Kai put you up to this."
"Among others." Whispered Pierre to himself sending a glare at his sister who just smiled sweetly.
"Right, by the time I am back from the visit I intend on paying your Godfather, I want Frodo down from that flag pole and I want the both of you in the kitchens for washing up duty. Have I made myself clear?!"
"Yes Ada." Groaned the boys.
"And for Valar's sake, find that hobbit's pants!" Yelled Legolas before heading off to the only place Kai would be.
……
"No a…a bit…lower…faster…"
"Kai?"
"Don't say a word…just a bit to your right…"
"Kai?!"
"Sssh honey."
"Kai!"
Kai woke up to find himself alone in bed and with a glowering Legolas standing in his doorway. "You ruined my dream!" He pouted.
"I want a word with you."
"Well come back later and I'll be all ears."
"No I want to talk to you now!"
"But it is too early! It's Sunday morning, a normal elf sleeps in on Sunday mornings."
"Kai, it is Wednesday afternoon." Corrected Legolas.
"Really?! Oh well…" Kai trailed off trying to recall what happened to the last few days…'Oh yes…the blond Quenya tutor from Rivendell.' He thought with a triumphant grin.
"Will you stop leading Xavier and Pierre astray? I can just about cope with my lieutenant causing trouble every week but I cannot cope with my sons at it as well!"
"I haven't been in trouble this week!" Protested Kai.
"You drugged the delegate from Gondor!"
"How was I to know what those mushrooms did?! Beside they were left over form Emily's stash" A pained look crossed Legolas' face. "I'm sorry Legolas I didn…"
"I know you didn't, look, I need to know that when I go away Mirkwood will still be standing when I get back." Legolas slouched down into a nearby chair.
"You're going away?!"
"I have already told you, remember the meeting last week?"
"Is that the same meeting with the bubbly brunette that served the wine?"
"Kai!" Legolas sighed heavily. "Please Kai, I need your help. Ada did not leave Mirkwood to me so I could let you lot raze it to the ground."
"Do not fear Legolas!" Kai jumped out of bed. "I promise I will take care of Mirkwood, I'll even rope Kalin in to helping me."
"That you cannot do, Kalin is coming with me. I'm afraid you are on your own in this." Legolas got up to leave.
"I won't let you down Legolas, I promise."
"Thank you." Legolas walked out but before out of sight added, "By the way Kai, you are naked."
The darkling elf looked down to check, grinned cheekily and jumped backed into bed.
……
"Are you sure it is wise leaving Kai in charge?" Questioned Ellette as she helped her father pack.
"I really do not have any choice. He is my second in command and I am loathed to leave Mirkwood in the hands of Fiminur." Fiminur was one of Thranduil's old advisers who spent most of his time trying to get Legolas to remarry, specifically to remarry to Fiminur's only daughter Phian. "I think we're all done here."
"I hope you do find George. It would be nice to meet mum's brother, why did he leave in the first place?"
"He missed your mother terribly."
"So do you."
"Yes but I have you and your brothers to keep me company."
"Where will you look first?"
"Gondor. Aragorn was the last to see him after George handed over the crown to him. This could be a very long journey."
"Will you stay for tonight's banquet?" Asked Ellette hopefully.
"Of course. I hear you and your brothers have something planned."
Ellette grinned.
"Please tell me that it does not involve tormenting the hobbits." Legolas inquired.
"See you later Daddy!"
"Ellette!"
……
"What colour dress will Phian be wearing?"
"I had a quick nosy around the seamstresses and found some white samples for her dress."
"Excellent. Have you sorted out the berries?"
"No luck there. But I got some honey."
"Honey?"
"Don't worry it won't be the honey that upsets her." A jar was revealed holding a hundred or so red ants.
"You are evil! Let's do it!"
"She will need a bath after that." Came a third voice.
"White doesn't do well in a warm wash."
"Well I hear that the river is lovely and refreshing this time of year."
All three broke out into wicked grins.
……
"Nice of you to join us Kai." Commented Legolas as Kai swanned in and took up his seat halfway through the banquet.
"Yes well every since that fine promotion you gave me, I have been struggling with the transition between working class to first class." Grinned Kai as he stared wantonly at the food in front of him.
"There is a very fine line separating first class from half arsed." Stated Ellette who ignored her father's shocked expression and went back to being demure.
"So where is my enigmatic brother then?" Asked Kai as he looked over to Kalin's empty seat.
"He is spending the evening with his wife before we set off tomorrow." Informed Legolas.
Kai grunted in disgust at the word wife. "Traitor." He mumbled.
"Do you think you'll ever get married Kai?" Asked Ellette taking care not to sound expectant.
Kai, mid downing a glass of wine gagged slightly, began to cough, and then proceeded to spit out the wine all over the elf opposite him. It took all of Legolas' courtly restraint not to burst into laughter at the sight of Fiminur drenched in a combination of deep burgundy and speckled saliva.
It was here that the triplets saw their chance. Pierre lent forward and 'accidentally' sent the pot of honey flying and landing in a congealed lump in Phian's lap. Xavier ducked under the table as everyone stood up to try and calm the advisor and his daughter. Not before taking a quick peek up Phian dress Xavier let the ants out at the poor elleth's feet. It wasn't long before high pitched squeals filled the hall.
"Quick come with me!" Ellette grabbed Phian's arms and pulled the screaming girl outside.
"Get them off me! Help!"
"Calm down, now what we need is water."
"It too far to the baths! Help they're icky!"
"Well there is only one thing to do…" Ellette grinned sweetly and pushed the flapping girl into the river. "Gravity always wins."
From the balcony above Legolas looked down not sure whether to be amused or horrified. 'Maybe getting away from this will be a good thing.' He sighed.
……
A/N: Emily: I miss me!
George: What do you think then?
Emily: Here are the customary thank yous to those who reviewed:
Lil Smartass – Stop being so impatient!
Ayiicaalime – Hello fellow Green Day spicket! Legolas dwarf clones?! I'm not sure I want to know!
Crazyroninchic – Wow you review a lot! We like that! Well here is the fourth instalment and yep there is no Emily.
Michelle – Thank you. Here is the new one.
Limpet666 – Unfortunately, despite the zombie idea being pretty good, Emily shall remain dead (maybe).
Twisted Illions – Yes school does suck which is precisely why I left! The sappyness is over and we are returning to good old fashion random humour!
Eltavor – Here is the fourth, and as much as I'd like Legolas to be a happy elf I am afraid Emily is still dead.
Angel's Heart, Demon's Mind – Beg no more the fourth instalment is here!
Poolbum – It has been eighteen years since I died, you're right that does sound weird!
DreamWeaverEveninMist – We decided to put up number four. After this one it is definitely the end of Emily and George.