A/N: I got this idea after a night of too much drink and it just wouldn't let go. I threw it up kinda quick so let me know if there are any glaring errors. Enjoy!
Kaidan let himself into Shepard's apartment and looked around. The party was in full swing so there was no way anyone would hear him knock, anyway. Unfortunately, a last minute work call turned into a long, drawn-out affair so he was several hours late. Everyone else made good use of that time by the looks of it. A large, lively crowd filled the living room with Shepard smack in the middle of the action, right where he expected her to be. Their shouts and laughter filled the air. He had some serious catching up to do before he even thought of joining the living room crowd, so he headed over to the kitchen where things were a bit more subdued.
"Hey Garrus, what'd I miss?" Kaidan asked as he popped open a beer and grabbed some food. Liara moved over to make room for the new arrival, careful to avoid disturbing Tali who rocked dangerously on her precarious perched on the counter next to the turian.
"Oh, not much," Garrus replied casually. "Lots of drinking, Shepard told Miranda and Jack to make out, a few pizzas, Shepard kicked Vega's ass, a game of poker, Shepard mooned everyone, some more drinking…"
"Wait, did you say Shepard mooned everyone? Are you sure you're using the right phrase?" Kaidan looked between the people in the small assembled crowd. Nobody would meet his eye, but Traynor turned a very telling shade of red.
"That's what Joker called it. She pulled down her pants to show everyone a scar that isn't there anymore…"
"Yeah," Kaidan said through his hands and he winced hard, "that's the right phrase, then. Sounds like I missed a lot."
"I'm not done," Garrus cut in, his mandibles flapping in amusement. "She wanted to show everyone the upgrades Cerberus gave her because they were 'glorious'. Nobody was really sure what she meant until she started fumbling with her shirt."
Liara leaned in to join the conversation. "And she would've succeeded if Kasumi hadn't appeared and stopped her. It's fortunate she came up with such a clever way, too, since Shepard is not easily dissuaded. Though, it ended up causing more issues."
"Oh no, what'd she do?" Kaidan asked, but wasn't really sure he wanted to hear the answer.
"Kasumi put a drink in each hand and told Shepard they were new tech – impossible to put down until they were empty. Shepard bought it and her shirt stayed put, but those drinks didn't do her any favors."
"Yeah," Garrus sighed, "we found her in the shower with Grunt an hour later." Kaidan choked on his beer, spraying a fine mist over the small group.
"Fully clothed," Traynor cut in before Kaidan caught his breath. The dark beast lurking within his chest calmed instantly and he relaxed.
"It was actually quite the sight – the three of them on the shower floor, dripping wet, talking about how much they loved one another and how sad it was that Hanar can't wear sweaters…" Liara chuckled at the memory, completely oblivious to the confused look she was getting.
"Tali," Garrus responded to the unasked question, jerking his head towards the still-damp wobbly quarian.
"How…" Kaidan couldn't quite wrap his mind around everything he'd missed, but one question burned bright in his mind. "How'd she get so drunk?" Shepard was a biotic. She burned off liquor even faster than he did and it took obscene amounts of alcohol just to get her buzzed. He knew this from personal experience. Their last bar tab was more than he used to earned in a month, and they were only tipsy.
"Very carefully," Tali answered slowly. Everyone rolled their eyes at the drunken response, not expecting anything more. They were all surprised. "EDI did… math. On drinks. So Joker could keep Shepard… um… I don't feel so good."
"Now we have an answer," Liara replied, not completely surprised. "I should've guessed Joker was behind this."
Kaidan was torn between assisting Garrus with Tali, who was clearly not doing well, and throttling Joker. Both choices disappeared the moment he heard Shepard's voice cut through the din. "I'm so hungry!" Shepard blurted out, her voice clear above everything. "Cheesecake sounds soooo good. No, wait. Noodles. I want noodles. Oh! And egg rolls, too. Don't egg rolls sound good? I'd give my right arm for egg rolls right now." Her eyes were closed tight and her head lolled to the side slightly, but she clearly knew what she wanted.
"You'd give up an arm just for some food?" someone laughed. It sounded like Vega, but that response could've come from just about anyone who knew her.
"Well, not get rid of it. I'd give up use of it, though. Like, I'd let someone use my arm if they gave me noodles and egg rolls." Shepard's brows knitted in concentration while she struggled with her explanation, then her eyes flew open wide when it hit her. "Like a hand job!"
Time to intervene. Kaidan made it to Shepard's side in three long strides. She clearly needed someone to take care of her after everything she'd pulled so far, and nobody else was up to the task. "Hey Shepard, have a drink of water. That will help." He held a glass out, but it was completely ignored. Shepard's eyes struggled to focus on the man kneeling at her side. She blinked several times as she shook her head, as if the combination would somehow make the world slip into focus once more. A look of ecstatic awe washed over her face after the fourth blink as her bleary eyes locked on the man leaning in. "Wow, you're beautiful," Shepard murmured while soft fingertips traced the rough jaw line. "Are you the stripper?"
Kaidan sat back on his heels in shock while amused chuckles filled the air. This had to be some elaborate joke. "You're not getting me to strip, Shepard. Nice try, though."
Shepard's lips pursed indignantly. "It's Commander. And I don't give a toss whether you do your job or not…"
"No, Shepard," he interrupted, "it's me, Kaidan."
Shepard suddenly looked immensely uncomfortable, and it looked totally out of place on her. She looked over his shoulder to someone behind him in a subtle plea for assistance before leaning forward and letting him have it with unfettered fury. "I don't know how you know to use that name, but you're creeping me out. He's at work, but I have more than enough backup here to take care of you." Shepard pushed him gently away from her while she spoke low enough for only his ears. "I may be wasted, but I can still kick your ass. And my husband will destroy you when he finds out. And he will find out."
Kaidan fell on to his butt hard enough to knock the wind from his lungs. Or maybe it was just the use of the 'h' word that did it. "What did you just say?"
"You heard me. Now go dance for Jack. She's the one who hired you."
Kaidan didn't move. He was too confused to know what to do, so he sat on the floor and stared dumbly at Shepard. She'd said 'husband' right out in the open for everyone to hear. And he was pretty sure she hadn't been secretly married all these years and just forgot to tell him. His limbs were numb with shock and he didn't know whether to laugh or be concerned, so he stayed put. Shepard dozed off for a full minute then sat up, fully alert and furious once more. "You know what? I was going to tip you because you're cute, but you screwed that up. Now leave me alone before my husband kicks your ass. He can tear you apart with his mind then make your body disappear, and nobody will question him because he's a Spectre."
Kaidan couldn't help it. He chuckled, partly out of relief but mostly in awe that Shepard actually was referring to him. That didn't help her temper by a long shot. Blue biotics danced across her skin as she glared openly, furious that he dare laugh at her threat. She only relaxed as a shadow fell over them.
"Need help?" Vega asked, not bothering to hide his amusement. So he heard. They all had. Shit.
Fortunately, that wasn't the main concern at the moment. Everyone was in agreement that it was past Shepard's bed time, which was a good thing since it took most of them working together to get her up the stairs and tucked in. The large bedroom was practically filled to capacity before they convinced Shepard the night was over and she needed to sleep. Then everyone slowly started filtering out until only Liara, Jack and Kaidan remained.
"Make sure vids of this don't show up," Kaidan suggested to Liara. That was all it took to get Liara out the door and back to work. Jack was the last to leave, and she shut the door after a knowing wink and a hearty 'good luck'.
"Kaidan, you're here," Shepard mumbled in surprise as she stumbled into the kitchen to find the marine making breakfast.
"I was only a few hours late, but you were pretty well gone by then." Kaidan turned around and held out a fresh cup of coffee, but Shepard pushed it aside. Her eyes locked on his face, anger percolating just under the surface. "You got hurt." Her hands shook slightly as they traced the swollen black eye. "I hope you kicked their ass for this."
"I would never." Kaidan laughed as he took her hand in his. "But just for future reference, you can still kick someone's ass even when you're blackout drunk. This is all the proof you need, so you don't need to threaten them with your husband." He grinned broadly while he winked with his good eye and offered the coffee once more.
"I did that to you..." Shepard asked as she took a sip, then froze. "Wait, my husband?"
"Yeah," Kaidan laughed, "I slid into bed next to you and you lost your shit. Every single swing and kick was followed by shouts that your husband was going to kill me. And apparently he's a Spectre."
Shepard's eyes twinkled with mischief. "I guess I should tell you now. Jondum Bau and I got really close after working that Hanar mission..."
"I knew it," Kaidan teased as he pulled her close and pressed his lips to hers. Her arms wrapped around his neck and pulled him tight and the kiss deepened as she melted against his body.
"Get a room," a groggy voice shouted from the living room. The two pulled apart with great effort, both grinning like fools.
"Good idea. Looks like I have a lot to make up for..."
"I think we're going to need this." Kaidan grinned as filled two plates to overflowing and led the way.