This is just a one-shot that I wrote to try to keep my creativity flowing while I work through my writer's block with another story that I'm trying to finish. This is the "alternate universe" version of what has been going on between Olivia and Amanda since season 13. There is mention of certain events that have occurred very recently in the current season, so please be aware of that if you don't want any spoilers from season 18. Also, the events of 18x04 "Heightened Emotions" did not happen, so Amanda's sister is not living with her. Although I am a sucker for happy endings, even when I write about the really dark and sad stuff, this story does not have a happy ending, sorry! I guess I'm in even more of an angsty writing mood than I usually am, lol. I promise to try to write some fluffier stuff soon, though! :)
I also wanted to mention that this story was inspired by lararandoms' awesome fic "Feel", as I loved the idea of Olivia and Amanda only turning to each other for comfort in their time of need.
xxx
"Wish that we could go back in time
I'd be the one you thought you'd find"
xxx
It has been going on for over five years now; almost since the very beginning.
Amanda had only been in New York for a couple of months when it had all started between them; whatever it is.
Olivia is so used to the way things are now that she struggles to remember a time when it wasn't always like this and finds it hard to recall exactly when it had begun. Thinking back to all those years ago when Amanda Rollins had been a newly transferred detective from Atlanta and she herself was still so deep in mourning over the loss of her partner Elliot, she is reminded that everything had been set into motion with the Gia Eskas case in November of 2011.
Not every case brings up memories of the terrible things she has endured over the course of her career, and her life as a whole, but that particular case had. Olivia had been thinking of her assault while undercover at the Sealview Correctional Facility, and had actually chosen to share this with the victim they were trying to help in order to get her to open up about the person who was hurting her, so the perpetrator could be caught and brought to justice. This in turn had ushered in Amanda's own bad memories of what she had endured at the hands of her deputy chief back in Atlanta, although Olivia had been unaware of the specific details at the time, as the blonde woman had been very vague on what had actually happened to her.
After the case had been wrapped up and they were both left with their own disturbing, lingering recollections of brutal men in higher power who had chosen to take advantage of them during a vulnerable time, Olivia and Amanda had found themselves at the same bar, drowning their sorrows in alcohol and hoping the multiple shots of liquor they had each been consuming at an alarming rate would banish the horrible thoughts and images from their minds. When the copious amount of booze did not do the trick and both women were only becoming more dejected and miserable as the night wore on, they had surprisingly turned to each other for comfort.
Olivia had never looked at Amanda that way before, only thus far having seen her as a much younger detective with a lot less experience on the job than she herself had; the Southern woman and the other new guy, Nick Amaro, both very poor replacements for Elliot, as far as she had been concerned at the time. Olivia was heartbroken over what she considered to be one of the biggest losses of her life and barely had the patience to get through a day with these very young police officers who were in the process of learning what life in the New York Special Victims Unit was all about. Nick seemed to be okay and was slowly growing on her, but something about the blonde woman just rubbed her the wrong way right from the start. Amanda was so perky and over-eager and sassy, and quite frankly, a giant pain in her ass.
Despite her initial reluctance to warm up to the other woman, Olivia's less-than-welcoming attitude seeming to roll off of her waves, she had suddenly found herself drawn to Amanda after that particular case, convincing herself that it was only the alcohol talking and after this one night together everything would return to normal between them and she would continue to see the younger woman as nothing more than a colleague who still tried her patience from time to time, but was overall turning out to be quite good at her job. They seemed to have absolutely nothing in common, the two woman as different as night and day with no shared attributes to try to make a start from, until they had found it. What they had turned out to have in common was a deeply rooted hurt and despair over what they had each been through at the hands of ruthless men intent on inflicting humiliation and agony, suffering alone in their torment; Olivia's pain having lessened a little by that point but Amanda's still quite fresh, the blonde detective revealing a darker side to that earnest and bubbly part of her personality that Olivia had found somewhat off-putting when the other woman had first joined the unit.
They had ended up back at Olivia's apartment, she herself completely bewildered as to how this whole scenario had come about, but Amanda decidedly less so, and she had let the younger woman take charge of the situation. Before long there were jackets and shoes and other clothing strewn about on the floor, a couple of loose buttons skittering across the tiles in their haste to undress as quickly as possible, absolutely no hesitation on Amanda's part whatsoever and Olivia's own reluctance melting away astonishingly fast. The hurriedly-shed garments trailed a messy path back to the bedroom in their wake, the two women tangled up in each other's naked limbs on the bed, drunk and sloppy and full of need, and any confusion and doubt on Olivia's part was entirely obliterated as the other detective's lips had pressed hungrily against her own.
From that night on, it had become their thing. Something that was just between the two of them; something that they tried as hard as they could to hide from their boss and teammates, something that had continued on without abating, even while Olivia had risen up through the ranks and become lieutenant, their sexual trysts now more inappropriate than they had ever been before, not even stopping when they had been in other relationships. It happened time and time again, whenever something went wrong on a case or one of the women was going through a tough time in her personal life; one of them showing up unexpectedly at the other's door late at night, sometimes with a bottle of wine and sometimes with just her own need, occasionally catching each other at a bad time and scrambling to explain to the other woman's current boyfriend the reason why they were there. Even as life had moved forward and changed dramatically for each of them in the ensuing years, Noah and Jesse both in the picture now, they had still found a way for it to continue.
Curiously, they have absolutely nothing to do with each other outside of work when things are going well. There is no reason for the other to be around if they are not caught up in cases at the precinct or chasing down perpetrators in the field; if life is just fine and dandy and there is nothing of a darker nature that is plaguing one or the other or both. Once the job is done for the day, they go about their own lives without much thought of the other until work resumes again; until the next time something upsetting or traumatic happens and they need that release that only the other can provide. Over time Olivia has gotten good at predicting when Amanda will show up her apartment door, depending on what it is they are dealing with in their current caseload or which victim strikes more of a nerve than others, but she is still occasionally caught off guard if something has been going on in the younger woman's personal life that she had been previously unaware of.
Throughout the past several years, during the situations with Lewis and Patton, dealing with drinking issues and gambling relapses, they have always been there for the other when something goes wrong, even when they are fighting like cats and dogs and can barely stop snarling viciously at one another long enough to tear the clothes from trembling limbs and find the closest available space to do what needs to be done to obliterate the anguish. No matter how contentious their working relationship at the station is, it does not impede their sexual activity whatsoever and only seems to heighten the experience when they get together, impatiently ripping the clothing from each other's bodies and tumbling onto whatever piece of furniture is closest, be it a bed or a couch or a table, and once in awhile opting for no furniture at all and choosing to sprawl out in an undignified manner across the floor.
They don't actually talk about the things they've been through or what they have in common or why they turn to each other for this odd sort of comfort instead of anyone else in their squad or whomever they happen to be dating at the time, neither of them having been involved in any kind of relationship with another female before they had found each other. There just seems to be this unspoken agreement between them that no one else on their team could possibly understand what they are going through; that they are just there for each other in their time of sorrow in a way that no one else can ever be, no questions asked, this strange sort of bond they share when things get rough seeming to fill a hole that neither of them was previously aware of.
It is neither love nor hate that drives them to be together in this way, but a pure unbridled need. A need to feel better when things are so terrible, a need to feel less alone, a need to just stop thinking altogether if only for a little while, enveloped in something that is entirely of the physical nature instead of the emotional, secure in the knowledge that the person they are with will not harm them in any way, even when their lovemaking grows overly enthusiastic and rowdy, that the intimacy they are sharing with another woman is the complete opposite of the pain that had been inflicted upon them by a man.
Olivia had made it clear right from the start that whatever this thing was between them would never go any further than just sex; that each of them is there only when the other needs them to be, when they need to blow off steam and try to erase the monsters from their heads, but it stops there. Amanda had seemed in total agreement at the time, assuring Olivia that she wasn't looking for any kind of relationship, that she didn't date women even though there was apparently no problem engaging in sex with them, and their odd little arrangement suits them both extremely well, knowing they can use each other when the need arises but can resume their normal lives shortly afterwards.
There are no tears to be shed and very little conversation to be had, other than a brief hello and sometimes a discussion about what kind of food or drink they will be consuming if their sexual dalliances happen to coincide with a mealtime. More often than not, they have found themselves together in the wee hours of the morning; at times waking up in one another's beds after the sun has risen and making a hasty retreat out the door before the situation becomes awkward and either of them decide to bring up something uncomfortable, like feelings. They don't discuss anything of that nature; their time together is for one thing and one thing only, both of them recognizing that this particular need is the result of living shattered lives littered with rejection and hurt and disappointment, but they are not there to talk, so there is no point in even attempting any sort of conversation beyond what is absolutely necessary.
There aren't as many accidental overnight stays as there used to be, due to the fact that both Olivia and Amanda are now single mothers and have responsibilities beyond satisfying their own wants and needs, and actually have to make plans ahead of time. Once in awhile they still wake up in the wrong bed, if one has gotten a babysitter to stay over for the entire night so they can leave the house for the duration of the twilight hours, but that is only if something has gone extremely wrong in the course of a case or in their personal lives, such as what is occurring at this very moment.
Olivia is a shaking ball of nerves when she shows up at Amanda's door that night, a bouquet of flowers tucked beneath her arm and a bottle of wine clutched in the sweaty grip of one hand; the fingers of her other hand raking back through her wind-tossed dark hair, impatiently yanking the thick strands away from her face. She had not texted or called first, which is par for the course for their time together, so she is somewhat confused as to why Amanda had sounded so standoffish and distant over the speaker, the younger woman seemingly quite hesitant to buzz her inside when Olivia had arrived downstairs in the lobby, stomping the snow from her boots and pushing her thumb repeatedly into Amanda's apartment buzzer, anxious for the blonde detective to answer.
Something strange has been occurring lately, something very out of the ordinary, and Olivia is not quite sure how to handle this particular situation. It had begun a few weeks prior, when Carisi had been held at gunpoint during their attempted, and ultimately successful, rescue of a kidnapping victim; a fellow officer poised to blow her younger subordinate's brains all over the floor, prompting Olivia to take matters into her own hands, forced to take drastic action to prevent a repeat of what had happened the previous spring with Dodds. Since then, her entire life seems to have spiraled out of control, leaving her grasping at straws and reevaluating absolutely everything and everyone in it; no matter being too big or too small to tackle, ripping apart every single detail until she has examined every inch of every issue, leaving no area of her life untouched.
Olivia has been struck by a revelation of sorts; had become aware of an extremely disconcerting and distressing realization several hours after the showdown at the country house that day, when she had shown up at Amanda's apartment later on for their usual brand of comfort, shunning any efforts from Tucker to try to calm her down, shaken to the very core of her being at the events that had just transpired. She had been beyond certain that she was about to watch her teammate die right in front of her, another death on her hands of a man who had come to mean so much to her and something that could have been preventable if only she had acted quickly enough. This time, though, luck was on her side and it had all turned out okay in the end, or so she had thought. Carisi had been very rattled and withdrawn afterwards, blood from the suspect having sprayed right across his face, but was otherwise unhurt; and likewise, the girl had been rescued and was now safe and sound at home, although no one knew how long the lingering effects of the trauma would last.
All in all, the whole situation had turned out as well as anyone could have hoped, but for Olivia it has set off a chain reaction of bizarre thoughts and feelings that have led her to where she is right now, shuddering and sweating outside of Amanda's apartment door, cocking her head to listen to Jesse's high-pitched cries and Frannie's sharp bark, frowning when she hears the low murmur of voices beyond the noise of Amanda's family members, and wondering what she is walking into; who she has interrupted. Her heart is in her throat as she hears footsteps approaching the door from the other side and she whirls away, that sudden urge to flee rising up from within and causing her to take a few trembling steps toward the elevator, when the door swings open behind her.
"Liv," the familiar female voice says, tone both puzzled and irritated, and Olivia reluctantly turns back around to meet the younger woman's curious blue eyes.
They stare at each other in silence for a moment, and Olivia is overcome with dread as she gets a good look at Amanda, the blonde detective stepping out into the hallway and closing the door most of the way, leaving it open the tiniest crack. There is a wet nose snuffling at the small space between the door and the wall, and Amanda shoos Frannie away with a stern voice before fixing her gaze on Olivia once again. The smaller woman looks to be wearing nothing but a short midnight blue robe, long hair tumbling in tousled waves over her shoulders, a rosy pink flush spread across her normally pale cheeks, and Olivia's head tilts to the side in perplexity, not understanding what is going on here, as they have always been very open and honest with each other whenever one of them is in a relationship. As far as she knows, Amanda has not dated anyone for quite awhile now, and she can feel her eyebrows pulling together in a frown, trying to hide the bouquet of flowers behind her back when she sees the other woman's gaze zero in on them.
"Really, Liv, flowers?" Amanda asks, one eyebrow arching in surprise and a slight hint of disdain apparent in her tone at Olivia's uncharacteristic behavior. "In all the years we've been doing this, you've never once brought me flowers. You know that's not how we do things. That's not how this works." There is a slight pause and the smaller woman sounds somewhat uneasy when she speaks again. "What's the occasion?"
Olivia is at a loss for words for a moment, her heart aching in her chest now because she can hear a somewhat familiar male voice inside the apartment, and it sounds strangely like a lullaby is being sung in the low rumbling tone. "There's someone in there with Jesse," she whispers before she can stop herself, realizing how ridiculous she sounds, and having it confirmed when Amanda promptly rolls her eyes.
"Well, no shit, Liv, I'm aware of that," the younger woman chuckles as she shakes her head, one side of her lip quirking up in a half smile.
"W-who is it?" Olivia stutters out, and she knows without a doubt that she has made a huge mistake, that it was indeed very wrong of her to come here to say what she had planned to say; that Amanda is entirely right in stating that this is not how they do things. There is no romance whatsoever involved in whatever this is between them, the intimacy only reserved for sex and nothing else; the two of them free to carry on with their lives in whatever manner they choose when they are not together, no expectations ever having been involved in this odd little relationship that has taken over a large part of their lives over the past several years whenever it suits them.
"Why do you care?" Amanda asks softly, her tilted head mirroring Olivia's own gesture, long strands of hair spilling in a golden curtain down her arm, and Olivia is taken off guard by the younger woman's exceptional beauty, having always been aware of the fact that Amanda is stunningly gorgeous, but not fully appreciating it until lately. "You've never cared before."
"I-I care," Olivia murmurs, her voice still coming out in a nervous stutter that she can't seem to halt, and Amanda is frowning at her in concern now, taking a step toward her and placing a hand on the sleeve of Olivia's trench coat. There is an all-consuming sadness enveloping her, the realization that she has quite possibly missed her chance; that it has taken nearly losing the life of a man who is so much more to her than just a colleague, a man who has a become a very good friend, a younger brother of sorts, one of the very few family members left in their tightly-knit little team, for her to finally understand what has been staring her straight in the face for all of these years.
She takes a deep breath, resolving not to jump to conclusions just yet; that perhaps this isn't what she thinks it is, that maybe it's something completely innocent or something that is only casual, but that doubt creeps back in again, knowing Amanda wouldn't let just anyone cozy up to Jesse enough to be singing the little girl lullabies and perhaps rocking her to sleep while her mother is out in the hallway having a conversation with the woman she shares a contentious working relationship and dramatic sexual history with. The voice is becoming more familiar to Olivia as she continues to listen to the soft singing, and she can feel the muscles of her stomach clenching involuntarily with the knowledge that Amanda would only be out here with her if someone she knows and trusts very well is inside with her child, and that maybe Jesse is currently safe in the arms of another parent.
To her horror, Olivia suddenly feels tears welling up in her eyes and she blinks rapidly so they will dissipate, reminded yet again that this is not what they do. She and Amanda do not get emotional with one another; they do not cry and hold each other when things are rough, there are no softly whispered assurances in one another's ears, no gentle touches or caresses, only the physical act of sex. The frantic kissing and probing tongues and wandering fingers are the only comfort that one ever seeks from the other during the tough times; no discussion or tenderness necessary when their only goal is to obliterate every single bad thought from their brains, when physical pleasure is the only thing on their minds to rid themselves of haunting past memories or current cases that are too much to bear.
It has never bothered Olivia before, the way they seem to so effortlessly slide in and out of these different personas and areas of each other's lives; how they can go back and forth between working so closely with one another in the most intensely dangerous professional situations, to the heated intimacy of the personal and private moments they share. Other than a fleeting thought here and there throughout the years that perhaps what they have been doing all this time together is actually much more damaging than it is helpful, it has never seemed to occur to her that either of them would ever get hurt, knowing both she and Amanda are more than capable of handling this on-again, off-again strangeness between them; that the more they engaged in this habit, the less odd it became, until they had slid so seamlessly into the other's life, coming and going as needed, that it was no longer odd and just a completely normal part of their lives.
"Liv, go home to Noah and Tucker," Amanda urges gently, her small hand rubbing circles across Olivia's arm now, the look in the blonde detective's eyes suggesting that she knows exactly why Olivia has come here and is determined to put a stop to it, that nervous edge creeping into her voice once again; but there is absolutely no judgement when the other woman speaks, telling her to go back to the son and boyfriend she had just left, having been in this position many times herself. There is that shared awareness between them that what they do together is actually quite appalling, abandoning boyfriends on a regular basis when one or the other is in a steady relationship, to seek out the comfort that only the other woman is capable of providing, the need that doesn't ever seem to go away no matter how many times they are together, that desperate obsession constantly pulling them back into one another's embrace to banish the monsters that stubbornly reside in the darkest parts of their minds.
"I know who it is," Olivia murmurs, gesturing toward the door of Amanda's apartment with the bottle of wine still clutched in one hand, the bouquet of flowers hanging limply down by her side in the other, and she can picture Declan Murphy inside, rocking his daughter to sleep while crooning lullabies in that low baritone pitch. "When did he get back? I thought he was undercover."
"He hasn't been back for long," Amanda mutters, her gaze focusing hard on the flowers that are threatening to slip from Olivia's sweaty grip and plummet to the floor. "He was injured on the job and can't work for a little while. He's going to be okay, but it's going to take some time." Bright blue eyes are penetrating into Olivia's misty dark ones now, as the blonde woman stares straight at her while she speaks. "He's staying, Liv. He wants to make a life here. The things that have happened to him while undercover...they were bad...they changed him. It made him realize what he really wants, what he needs."
"Well, I guess that makes two of us," Olivia whispers, trying to ignore that physical ache inside her chest, the realization that she can actually feel her heart shattering into a million pieces.
"Look, Olivia, I know that what happened with Carisi is having quite an impact on you," Amanda says softly, fingers sliding down to tangle with her own, the stems of the flowers swiping over their joined hands. "But I can't do this with you anymore. We need to stop. We should have stopped a long time ago." She sighs heavily and their gazes lock again, Olivia's stomach clenching when she sees the hint of tears in the other woman's eyes. This isn't the Amanda she knows; Amanda never cries, at least not around her, and it is quite clear that the events of the past few weeks, these changes that have cropped up out of nowhere, are taking their toll on both of them.
"Why can't you do this anymore?" Olivia asks in a slightly choked tone of voice. "A relationship has never stopped you before." She pauses briefly, a wave of shame and guilt washing over her as she pictures Tucker and Noah curled up together on the couch at home, Tucker under the impression that she has gone out for the evening with a friend; dinner and a movie to help clear her mind. "And it's not stopping me now," she adds, somewhat regretfully.
"It's different this time," Amanda mumbles, gaze sliding away to focus on the ugly pattern of the floor tiles that are streaked with winter slush and grime.
"Why?" Olivia presses, somewhat urgently now. "Why is it different?"
"You know why, Olivia," Amanda snaps, the sudden amount of venom in her tone seeming to startle them both. "Declan is Jesse's father. My daughter has a chance at a real family here. I can't screw that up for her."
"So you weren't a real family before he came back into the picture?" Olivia challenges, Amanda looking up from the floor to glare at her. "You need a man to complete you?" She gives a snort of contempt. "Oh, please, Amanda. Give me a damn break. This isn't what you want. I know you."
"You don't know shit, Olivia," the younger woman hisses, tears gathering at the edges of her long lashes now. "You think just because we've been fucking for all these years, it means you know me? And you're one to talk. Isn't Tucker waiting for you at home right now, the perfect man to complete your little family?"
Olivia cringes at the foul language, at the way everything they had shared together can be described in one crude word, but knows that the other woman is absolutely right; that it was she herself who had insisted that it never go beyond the sex, that their intimate encounters did not encroach on romance or even friendship, and that it has only been about satisfying their most basic of physical desires, the euphoric feelings of lust and passion keeping the demons firmly at bay, at least for a little while.
"So you have feelings for him, then?" she murmurs skeptically, one eyebrow arching in question, as this is all so sudden; Declan Murphy's unexpected return from the world of undercover activity, sweeping back into Amanda and Jesse's lives as if he actually has a right to be there after all this time.
"Do you have feelings for Tucker?" Amanda replies, apparently choosing to sidestep the question.
"There are...certain feelings there," Olivia hedges, biting down on the inside of her cheek, knowing she does indeed feel something for Tucker, but it is entirely different from what she feels for Amanda, and that the two cannot be compared because she has come to the realization that what she now feels for the younger woman blows almost everything else away; that the only thing stronger is what she feels for her son. "But it doesn't matter," she continues. "Amanda...things have become much more clear to me over the past little while." She hesitates for a moment and they are staring intensely at each other once again, both of them unblinking, and Olivia takes a deep breath. "Amanda, I'm in lo-"
"Stop," the smaller woman cuts in swiftly, holding up a hand to ward off Olivia's words, the other hand clenching tightly onto Olivia's fingers, and the bouquet of flowers slips from her grip and crashes to the floor in a cascade of brightly colored crushed petals. They regard each other in silence for a long moment, completely ignoring the spilled flowers, before Amanda speaks again. "Jesse needs her father," she says simply.
"What about you?" Olivia whispers, linking their fingers together and squeezing hard. "What do you need?"
Amanda shrugs. "It doesn't matter what I need. As long as my daughter is happy, that's all that matters."
Olivia leans down to place the bottle of wine on the floor, stepping carefully around the ruined bouquet of flowers before taking the other woman into her embrace and kissing her gently. Amanda responds immediately as her arms slide around Olivia's neck, none of their usual frantic neediness on display, just the soft touches and tender caresses that should have been there all along, each one finally showing the other the warmer side of their personalities, the kindness and compassion and empathy that had been buried underneath that frenetic need for all of these years; that should have been conveyed right from the start when they realized that what they had found in each other was a kindred spirit, a friend as well as a lover, the two of them brought together and united in their shared suffering and sadness.
"Where was this Olivia all those years ago?" Amanda murmurs, pulling away slightly to look up at her, arms still looped around the back of Olivia's neck, and she watches as a tear balances precariously on the smaller woman's long lashes, hovering there and glinting in the harsh florescent lighting of the hallway, but not falling.
"What do you mean?" Olivia asks with a frown, stroking a hand over the blonde detective's cheekbone, the pad of her thumb swiping the tear away.
"Why couldn't you have been this way right from the start?" Amanda replies in a tone so low that Olivia has to strain to hear it. "I was only doing as you asked, Liv. I kept my distance in every other respect with you because I knew that wasn't what you wanted or needed from me. I knew how damaged you were from what you had been through, how damaged we both were, so I didn't push it." She lets out a soft sigh and Olivia's eyelids flutter closed when Amanda's fingers begin stroking the hair back from her face, that deep ache in her chest only growing with the realization that she had somehow missed this sign; that she had either been unaware of Amanda's feelings for her or had chosen to ignore them, and now it was most likely too late.
"As the years went by and things got even worse for both of us, with Lewis and with Patton, I just came to accept that this was the way things had to be with us, that there was just too much hurt and wreckage and bullshit for it to ever develop into anything else," the smaller woman continues. "I moved on with regards to my feelings, Olivia, and you should too. But this time we really need to move on, in every respect, okay? What we've been doing with each other...it's not right, it's not healthy, and we should have realized this years ago. We both have a chance here, Liv; a chance at real relationships, a chance for our kids to grow up with fathers."
Olivia closes the slight gap between them again as she presses her lips to Amanda's once more, wanting to halt the other woman's hurtful words, needing her to just stop talking; but instead of responding like she had before, Amanda pulls away with a gentle pat to Olivia's arm.
"This will fade," the blonde woman assures her softly, the confidence of her tone not quite matching the expression on her face, and it's as if she is trying to convince herself just much as she is trying to convince Olivia. "It's not real, Liv. You just think you're feeling something more than you actually are because of what happened with Carisi, because it's all still so fresh for you and it scared you. It will go away, I promise." She shrugs slightly and Olivia's heart breaks yet again as she listens to the other woman's next words. "It went away for me."
The silence resumes, the quiet stretching out awkwardly and making the small space between them in the hallway suddenly feel like a mile instead of a foot, and Olivia shuffles her boots against the worn tiles, a chunk of mud breaking off and mingling in with the spilled mess of flowers. She chooses not to respond to Amanda's confession that it had been more than just sex for her at one point in time, but she has apparently gotten over it and is ready to move forward with someone else; instead focusing on the other thing that has just been said.
"So why is it not real for me?" Olivia asks softly, trying to keep the overwhelming agony from her tone. "Murphy just went through something on the job that made him take stock of things, made him realize what was really important in life, so why is it real for him but not for me?"
Her brow puckers slightly when Amanda reaches up to grasp lightly onto both sides of her face, raising up on her tiptoes to place a tender kiss on Olivia's forehead. "Because I know you, Liv," she says quietly but intensely. "This isn't what you want."
Olivia sighs harshly, pulling away from the other woman's gentle touch. "You just accused me of not knowing you, so maybe the same can be said for you not knowing me, Amanda. Although we seem to be pretty damn good at assuming we know what each other wants, don't we?"
"That we do," the younger woman responds, lips quirking up in a humorless grin, and they are staring at each other intently again. "Go home, Olivia," she says, the words spoken softly and without malice.
"What if I'm already home?" Olivia murmurs, before she can stop herself. "What if home is wherever you are? What if two single mothers can make up a family with their kids?"
"Olivia, stop," Amanda begs, her voice breaking on a sob, and Olivia's heart aches at the other woman's anguish, at the pain she knows she is causing. "I'm not a single mother anymore, and neither are you, considering how long you've been with Tucker now; how things can keep moving forward with the two of you, if only you let them. You can't just come here out of the blue like this and screw everything up for everyone involved. Declan and I have talked a lot about this, and we are ready to be together now; we are ready to commit to one another for the long haul, and it is just something that you are going to have to accept."
"But this is what we do," Olivia argues, trying to keep the snarl from her tone. "We show up out of the blue at each other's places. This is the way it's always been done."
"No it hasn't!" Amanda shoot back instantly, swiping an arm roughly over her eyes. "We don't do this, Olivia," she continues, gesturing with an angry hand at the scattered petals and stems strewn across the wet floor. "The point of being together in the way we have was to help each other, not hurt each other; not to screw up one another's lives like this."
"Well, we made a mistake, then" Olivia says flatly, grinding the toe of her boot into a plush pink petal and smearing it against the floor, the wreckage spreading out across the tiles seemingly a symbol of what is happening in her own life, her sudden hopes and dreams for the future being ground into dust.
"Clearly," Amanda replies, her tone just as flat as Olivia's now.
A soft noise sounds from behind them, and both of their heads snap up to see Declan standing there, framed in the doorway with Jesse perched on one hip and Frannie sitting at his feet. One arm is in a sling and there is a bandage over his forehead, but he looks content and at ease despite his injuries, the restlessness that Olivia has come to associate with him seemingly tamped down, at least for the time being, looking for all the world like he belongs there in Amanda's apartment; the man, the woman, the baby, and the dog creating the perfect little family unit. She knows that her own family is waiting for her at home; that she can have the same thing as Amanda, even if it will always feel like someone is missing, even if her definition of 'family' is different from what it actually is.
"Hello, Olivia," Declan says, a welcoming smile stretching across his face, although there is a hint of curiosity mixing in with his obvious happiness, an apparent touch of confusion as to why the two women are standing in the hallway together amid the mess on the floor, speaking in such hushed, intense tones, each one looking like she is about to burst into tears.
"Hi, Declan, how are you?" she asks with a warmness she doesn't feel, the matching smile spreading across her own face betraying the emotional agony she is currently experiencing.
"I've been better, but I'm getting there," he answers with a slight chuckle, tilting his head down toward the sling on his arm, before fixing a loving gaze on Amanda. "It's been pretty rough for awhile, but things are finally looking up now."
"Yes, so I hear," Olivia murmurs dryly, and Jesse lets out a sudden indignant shriek before there is any kind of response from the man, followed by a loud bark from Frannie, and Declan is ushering the little group back inside, muttering his apologies about the noise, making excuses about needing to change the baby's diaper and feed the dog, as he is evidently aware that something is amiss between the two women.
When they are alone in the hallway again, Olivia takes a step toward Amanda and grasps onto her upper arms a little more roughly than she had intended, giving her a slight shake before leaning down to rest her forehead against the smaller woman's, their breath mingling together, the threat of impending tears and explosive sobs still hovering in the air around them, and her hands slide down to clutch tightly onto the back of the blonde detective's silky robe, fingers gripping onto the slippery material like she intends on never letting go. "Amanda, please," she begs brokenly, beyond caring how pathetic she must sound. "I love you."
Amanda pulls back slightly to stare at her momentarily, before they are suddenly in each other's arms, hands tangling into hair and lips crashing together, tongues sliding against one another, the kiss full of desperation and need and heartache, each one pouring their grief and anguish into the other, but underneath all of the overwhelming emotions, Olivia can detect something else. There is a strange finality to their frantic actions, as if this is the last time they will share anything of this nature; as if they know that their timing has always been off and they are never going to get it right, that this is the conclusion to the odd relationship they have been sharing for years now, the ultimate goodbye.
Olivia instinctively knows that she needs to stop trying to convey her intense feelings, that there is no point in challenging Amanda's seemingly made-up mind about what she wants, and that it doesn't matter how much this hurts, how it feels like her heart is being shredded into tiny pieces, how this has gone from a sexual dalliance to something much deeper in the blink of an eye. Her entire world had been turned upside down when she had seen that gun pointed at her colleague's head, utterly terrified that history had been about to repeat itself, never having completely recovered from the loss of Dodds, and that the weapon would be turned on her next, a bullet shattering her life and obliterating her future, never being able to see Noah or Amanda again. She had suddenly come to realize just how much the blonde woman means to her, how important the small detective had become to her over the past several years, Amanda somehow worming her way into Olivia's heart and breaking down all of her defenses. Most of all, she had been made aware of the face that none of them were ever guaranteed a tomorrow so there was no point in holding back on things that needed to be said today.
She holds the smaller woman against her chest, savoring the feeling of having Amanda in her arms, as she knows this will be the last time. Sadly, this is the first time in all the years they have been together that she is able to fully appreciate it; the exquisite sensation of Amanda's body molded so tightly into her own like she belongs there, like they are made to fit together. It is quite an odd and excruciating thing to be experiencing both a first and last moment at the same time, and she is having trouble letting go of her younger colleague, especially when she feels the other woman's arms banding so tightly around her in return.
When they finally begin to slowly pull away from each other, tears streaking both of their faces now, Olivia can see the grim resolve on Amanda's face, the determination to move forward with the life she thinks she needs to have, even if it is not necessarily the life she wants. If she has learned anything over the past several years, it is that Amanda will not be swayed once she had made up her mind about something; the younger woman proving time and time again just how stubborn she is. There is quite the racket coming from inside the apartment now, Jesse making a loud fuss about something, Frannie barking in response, and Declan's melodious voice rising above the din, trying to keep everyone calm. Amanda sighs deeply, like the weight of the world is resting upon her small shoulders, and looks up at Olivia with damp blue eyes.
"I need to go, Liv," she says softly, smoothing her hand across Olivia's cheekbone in a featherlight touch, and there seems to be so much that Amanda isn't saying; the regret and sorrow and need written clearly on her face, along with something else; something that is not quite identifiable, and Olivia stares at the woman she loves for a long moment, mentally willing her to keep speaking; not to hide what she wants to say, but the blonde detective is quiet now, fixing Olivia with a pleading expression, and she knows that it is time to leave.
"You should get back to your family," she whispers in agreement, suddenly desperate to flee the building, as the overwhelming intensity of the emotions that are brewing inside are threatening to explode in a messy, embarrassing burst of sobs, and she is firmly intent on not breaking down until she is free and clear of Amanda and the family to which she will never belong; until there will be no one to witness her agonizing heartbreak.
Amanda turns to walk away and then abruptly whirls around, reaching out into the air between them with her hand, and Olivia is reaching back, their fingertips just meeting and brushing against one another, before the smaller woman smiles slightly at her and opens the apartment door. "Bye, Liv," she whispers, so much emotion caught up in those simple words that Olivia can't even respond, her throat too tight to speak.
As Olivia trudges away, leaving the ruined bouquet of flowers strewn across the floor but leaning down to pick up the bottle of wine first, head hanging low and hair obscuring her stricken expression, choosing to take the stairs so she doesn't have to share the elevator with anyone in her current state, her heart aches at the firm knowledge that somewhere along the way, her desperate need for Amanda had inexplicably turned into love. She know that it is real; a love that has somehow risen up to encompass her entire being, flooding into every single part of her brain and obliterating anything else she has ever known before, besides what she feels for her son. It is a love that is not going to go away, a love that is here to stay, no matter how much Amanda objects to the notion and tries to argue that it is not real, that it is a product of Olivia's lingering trauma, that she will get over it in due course. She knows that this is untrue; that she will never get over it, that Amanda is the one and only person for her and there will never be another. She can try to move forward with Tucker, just like Amanda is doing with Murphy, can try to push down these strong feelings, but it will never be authentic; the relationship always ringing false and having to live with the knowledge that the love of her life is carrying on with someone else, never quite sure what Amanda's true feelings actually are.
The younger woman's sudden laughter echoes down the stairwell from above, boisterous and happy sounds from a family reunited, and a tear slips from Olivia's eye, trailing slowly down her cheek to drip onto her coat. She is desperate to somehow rid herself of this all-consuming love for someone that she can never have, willing these strong feelings to just disappear entirely, and the sobs are bubbling up in her throat as she reaches the bottom of the stairs and bursts outside into the cold winter air.
As Olivia walks alone into the dark night, putting as much distance as she can between herself and Amanda, she is stunned and heartbroken that all of this has transpired from what had started out as nothing more than a simple need.
xxx
*Song lyrics are from Cam's "Burning House"