He felt cold and empty. Torturing himself, he wondered how a day that had begun with love and laughter could end in so much horror and dread. The screams of her horse still echoed in his mind and haunted his every moment whether awake or asleep. He could not rid himself of the image of his beautiful Marie lying contorted and motionless not far from the writhing horse that cried out in pain. Not wishing for her to have suffered, but God, how he wished that it had been Marie's cries he heard, then there might have been some hope. But there was none. Once he knew for certain she was gone, he had emptied his rifle with a vengeance into that damned horse. He rued the day that he bought that animal for her. He knew in his heart it had been a mistake, too much spirit and speed locked up within the creature. But that was the very reason Marie had treasured the horse so, her magnificent Zeus, for she thought of him as an extension of herself.
It had been a lovely fall morning, probably one of the last of its type for the season. Hoss had begged at breakfast to be allowed to skip school and go fishing. Though not keen on the idea, Ben had given his consent. He knew that it was never a problem for Adam to make up the schoolwork, and when his oldest boy nodded it was settled. It was Ben's confirmation that Adam would be responsible for taking care of his younger brothers and see to it that Hoss got his lessons done. Little Joe was ecstatic, he clapped and cheered at the prospect of spending the day with his brothers instead of being stuck at home with his mother. Marie had scolded and fussed over him, much to the five year-old's chagrin and reminded Adam and Hoss numerous times to watch over her precious boy.
Once the boys were gone from the table, Marie had started in on Ben about taking a ride. Unfettered from caring for Joe, she did not plan to waste the day inside. Still, her endearing pout and playful pleadings had been insufficient to get Ben to change his lunch plans in town. Would to God that he could have that decision back. He hated himself for it. Little did he know that when he kissed her goodbye later that morning, it would be their last.
Now he was drowning in grief, totally consumed by it, of no value to anyone, and rapidly slipping toward a place from which he was not sure he would return. He had sent Hoss and Joe to some very gracious neighbors for an indefinite period of time. He knew that the boys needed him at a time like this, but he had nothing to offer them. The truth was he could not bear to look at his youngest son. Joseph reminded him so much of Marie that it only made the weight of his loss an even heavier burden to bear. Given the choice to go with his brothers or stay at the ranch, Adam had chosen to stay. Ben regretted his oldest son's decision; he did not want him to witness the demise of his father.
Unbearable grief and guilt had driven him to spend evenings in town drinking. He sat alone at a table in the corner of the saloon refusing to even acknowledge those who stopped by to offer their condolences. But then one night he heard a woman's voice speaking in French and her lilting laughter. His head whipped so quickly in her direction that it caught her attention. She excused herself from the attentive cowboy she was teasing and moved gracefully toward Ben. He watched her floating his way. Her perfume pleasantly met his senses as her gold and black sequined dress remained in motion though she had arrived at his table. She had seen him sitting there the past few nights obviously suffering. She also knew who he was and that he was a man of means, despite his sorry state.
"Come." She fingered for him to follow her. Like the sirens of old, Ben found himself entranced. And that was how it began.
As she laid beside him stroking his dark waves, there was a part of her that wanted to be his forever and always, but she knew it would never be. He was not her kind of man, not like the others who came and took what they wanted from her, threw their money on the bed, and walked out without so much as a "thanks". Those men had stolen her soul and sucked the joy from her life. She was not entirely certain why this man had agreed to come upstairs with her that first night, however, he continued to come though bound up by his guilt and seeming moral uprightness. One thing she did know for sure was that she never grew tired of looking at him. He was exceedingly handsome and in his slumber, he was at peace. Yet, his demons hovered precariously near the surface, only temporarily held at bay in his subconscious. She ever so gently toyed with some of the dark hair that peeked out from behind his shirt, but then pulled back when he began to stir. For now she would have to settle for gazing upon his fully clothed, work hardened body with the hope that one of these nights he would let his wall of grief and commitment to a dead wife come down.
He had been coming to see her every night for the past several days, and each time she thought for sure he would want to experience her delights. Thus far, he had not required anything more from her than a listening ear. She almost felt guilty taking his money. In fact, he paid quite well for the privilege of sleeping off his drunken stupor in the arms of a beautiful young woman just recently up from New Orleans. She listened to him pour out his grieving heart and whispered sweet, comforting words to him in French. In his inebriated state, he would lay his head in her lap and forget for the moment that she was not his wife.
Ben found her almost as pleasing to his eyes as Marie had been, and Julia had much of the same fiery determination and spirit. For she told him once of her plans to one day have her own establishment where men would answer to her and not the other way around. He would nod and smile, hoping for her sake that her dream would some day come true, but then he turned sullen and warned her not to put stock in hopes and dreams. At present, many of his hopes and dreams lay shattered and buried in hard, dry ground. Three times he had married and three wives were dead. They had each put their faith and trust in him and now they were gone. All three were gone. He claimed to be cursed and told her for her own good she should throw him out and never see him again. She tried to reassure him that the problem was not with him just the way of this world, but his sorrow was too great and clouded his ability to see the truth.
She had heard the talk around town and wondered how a man whose wealth was increasing so rapidly could possibly feel so hopeless; and then there was also his sons. The only time Julia saw any flicker of hope in his eyes was at the mention of his three sons. Even the world hardened young woman began to worry about his boys, especially the youngest one. Floundering in his grief, she knew that Ben was neglecting them. Boys need their fathers, and to saddle a teenager with the bulk of the responsibility of running a large ranch seemed unfair, even to her.
Knowing that she would be there waiting for him, Ben's drinking tapered off. However, one evening he showed up smelling of alcohol. It was the first time since they had been seeing each other that Julia was actually afraid that he might consider harming himself. Emotionless, he reluctantly related how he had gone back to the ranch house in the wee hours of the morning only to be confronted by Adam with the news his son had received from one of the ranch hands about his father's drinking and purported carousing.
"I raised my hand to him...and he just stood there like stone...tensed and ready to take the full force of my hand...but there was anger and hurt in his eyes...so much..."
He fell into her arms and sobbed, gut rending sobs the likes of which Julia had never seen before from a man. She held him tightly as he lay sprawled across her lap. She gently kissed his face and stroked his head until the sobs began to slow. Too embarrassed to look her in the eye, he eventually sat up and reached for his hat, but she prevented him from doing so. Grasping his hands, she urged him to stand. She took his face in her hands and kissed him tenderly on the lips. He turned away but she pulled his face back to hers and then kissed him with passion. He groaned after she forcefully broke of the kiss. His senses were warring within him, his restrained passion was on the brink of breaking loose. As she slipped her hands inside his jacket and ran them up his muscular frame, Ben grabbed her wrists to stop her progress. The intensity in her eyes broke him and he released her. She quickly worked the buttons on his shirt. His chest began to heave with anticipation. She had been treated roughly many times, and knew that the amount of emotional and sexual tension Ben had bottled up inside him could be explosive.
By the time it was over, Ben flopped onto his back, panting. He laid staring at the ceiling debating what to do next. He had played with fire and been burned, allowing her to turn everyone's accusations about him into truth; just one more reason for self-loathing. He wanted to run far away to a place no one knew this charlatan named Ben Cartwright. He told himself it was all a farce, asking why he even bothered to try. He was no man at all in his own eyes. He wanted to hate Julia for what she had done, but then how could he blame her for giving him all she could and felt she should. Again, he was afraid to look at her, but then she gave him no choice. She pulled his head toward hers. Tracing his lips with her finger, she then dragged it down through the dark hair on his chest. She leaned her body sensuously against his and spoke to him as if she could read his mind.
"Don't you even think about running away now. I'm not finished with you."
Ben laughed but there was no joy in it. He moved to get off the bed, but Julia held him back.
"There's still more inside you that needs to be let loose. You must not leave until you've let it all go."
Though Ben knew there was an element of truth in what she said, he was not sure this was the way he should deal with it. Caught in a quagmire of guilt and desire he locked onto her gaze with his smoldering deep brown eyes that she felt penetrating into her soul. "Alright...but you should be careful what you ask for."
She tilted her head to the side in confusion. She did not know that he was going to repay her, not as other men might have done, but in a way that would leave her with expectations that would never be fulfilled.
They made love as much as was physically possible in the following hours, but the difference was that it was Ben initiating it. For that brief period, he closed out reality, tamped down his guilt, and she became Marie. He took Julia to heights that she had never known were possible. Exhausted and spent, they slept briefly until morning light. Without a word, he rose, dressed quickly, and pulled a large wad of bills from his wallet setting them on the nightstand.
"Ben?...Ben!"
As the door closed behind him, Julia picked up the cash and threw it toward the door. She knew he would not be back anytime soon, possibly never. She chided herself for having let down her guard. He had warned her, after all. Yet, they had been a balm for each other in some bizarre way, and now it appeared to be over.
During the next several years, Ben and Julia saw each other, but only on rare occasions and just in passing. Not long after Adam had returned from college, a rumor circulated around Virginia City that Julia Bulette, a former saloon girl turned businesswoman, was building a new saloon and gambling establishment. Within the year, "Julia's Palace" was filled with miners whose pockets were bursting with money. It was during this time that Hoss and Adam witnessed their father speaking with Ms. Bulette on the boardwalk. Time, and in Julia's case, the growing sense of security of owning a successful enterprise had softened the rough edges of the memories of their brief relationship, making it possible for them to hold a casual conversation. Still, the mysterious smile she offered him when they parted left him a bit disconcerted. Confused by his father's relaxed demeanor with someone he viewed as a woman of questionable character, Hoss queried his older brother.
"Adam, I just don't get it. What in the world would Pa be doin' talkin' ta Julia Bulette? Don't he know 'bout her? Rumor has it there ain't a man in Virginia City who ain't...well... you know."
Adam quirked a smile. "Yeah, brother, I know." His smile faded quickly and he turned away from Hoss unable to look at him directly. "It was a long time ago...right after Marie died."
"What? You gotta be kiddin' me? Pa?"
"Yeah, Pa...You and Joe weren't around. You stayed with the McCarrens for several weeks. Remember?"
"Yeah, I remember. Pa left us there a long time. I wanted ta come home so bad..."
"it was a helluva bad time for all of us...I guess she helped him get through it somehow...Not really sure...He knows that I know...but we never talk about it...and I think it's best left that way."
Hoss looked back toward his father and Julia. He sighed heavily taking in all that Adam had shared. Giving his brother a slight nod, they moved on down the street.