a/n (updated 4/8/17): My first official fanfic! Many thanks to my friends and fam for their ideas and laughs that led this story down some fun and bizarre paths. I'm updating my author's notes for any souls who happen to wander through here, but I've decided to preserve the writing as a reminder of how far I've come.
One word to describe this fic: spastic. xD
It was impulsively written, and the plot line is pretty straight-forward. If anything, maybe it'll cheer up your day by the sheer nonsense of it (emphasis on maybe)!
"This Awesomeness"
Chapter One: This Awesomeness
In Ganondorf's Tower...
The two warriors pierced each other with their gazes, anticipating the other's next move. Sweat drenched their skin, and air reached their lungs in short spurts.
They were positioned in the tallest tower of the once famed Hyrule Castle, a magnificent structure now shrouded in darkness and claimed as an evil king's own. The great pit of lava over which it levitated reflected its master's flaming hot lust for power, but the rainbow bridge traversing high overhead portrayed a Hero's will to cool it.
The two warriors tensed, ready to strike. Ganondorf's eyes were filled with battle-lust. Link's clear blue ones were calm.
Link, called Hero of Time, threw himself to the side as Ganondorf hurtled snaking yellow streams of dark magic at him. They looked like Roman Candles gone wild.
Ganondorf, called King of Evil, was larger than Link—much larger—and appeared even more so as he levitated in the center of the tower above an island platform. A chasm separated him and Link, who stood on one of the surrounding platforms.
When he saw that Link had dodged his attack, the King of Evil built up a surge of power, twisted his torso around, wrenched his arm back, and slammed his fist into the platform beneath him.
The power rushed out toward Link, striking his platform. The Hero leaped off it just as it began to fall from beneath him.
Ganondorf glared at him.
"Think you can get away?" he growled in his deep voice.
Link just smirked.
The King of Evil thrust his arm up, palm skyward, and began drawing power from the Triforce on his hand. A large, swirling ball of omnipotence soon formed. With a grunt, he sent it flying toward the Hero of Time.
Link had his sword ready, and he quickly deflected the bolt directly back at Ganondorf. His opponent was not caught off guard, however, and whacked it right back at him.
Link swung his blade and once again returned it to Ganondorf's court.
It was a practice they had been familiar with since the start of the battle. They would strike the ball of power back and forth, faster and faster until one of them moved too slowly...
SMACK.
The coagulated energy rammed into Link's stomach, sending him flying backwards into the wall. Waves of pain jarred his body as he stumbled to his feet. He looked skyward in time to see two hearts disappear from his life meter.
Ouch.
However, when he shook his limbs, the pain almost immediately began to subside — a strange trait of his.
In fact, the pain disappeared... after he stopped blinking red.
Another strange trait.
Feeling a change in the atmosphere, Link looked up at his adversary. And not a moment too soon. Ganondorf — arm pulled back, hand spread wide, and dark magic gathered in his palm — was about to attack.
Link narrowed his blue eyes and crouched into a fighting stance, sword at the ready.
The power began drawing all light into the center of the room and illuminated the wide, pointy grin on Ganondorf's olive face. His amber eyes widened with the exhilaration of power flowing through his veins. The tension in the room became as taut as the drum skins of Goron warriors, ready to exemplify itself any moment.
The ball of magic became increasingly larger, soon eclipsing its predecessors.
Both warriors' muscles were tense and ready for the coming onslaught. The formation neared its peak!
...ssssqquuuuiirrroooowwwllllll...
A strange expression came across Ganondorf's face. Link's eyes widened: What was that?
The dark magic in the Gerudo's hand suddenly fizzled out, restoring the light back to the room.
Ganondorf slumped over, losing any last vestiges of an imposing demeanor. His large, gauntleted hand came to his stomach; a look of long-suffering crossed his face.
"GAAAH! How much longer is this going to take!" he complained deeply. "I have an octorok lasagna in the oven, and it is NOT getting any fresher!"
The outburst startled the blonde-headed Hero to no end. First of all, since when do kings of evil complain about their stomachs? And secondly, what kind of barbarian would eat an octorok?
Link peered at Ganondorf warily as if he might spring a trap on him at any moment.
"Was... was that... ?" he shook his head. "Was that your stomach?"
A dead-panned look came to Ganondorf's face.
"No, that was my pinkie-toe," he said flatly.
Link stared in horror at the offending extremity.
"Your pinkie-toe did—!"
"YES, it was my stomach, you FOOL!" Ganondorf delicately put his hand to his forehead. "You're giving me a headache."
The mocking action made Link angry. He was giving Ganondorf a headache?
With brisk movements, he whipped out his boomerang and cast it at the man standing in the middle of the tower. It thwacked him across the indignant hand, quickly discarding the dramatic pose.
Ganondorf hissed in pain and shot Link a glare.
"What did you do that for?"
Link glared right back.
"It's always about your issues, isn't it? It's always what you want, what you need; you're all about 'taking over Hyrule' and 'possessing all of the power the Triforce has to offer' without a second thought about others!"
Ganondorf gasped. "He talks!" he muttered.
Link marched up to the edge of the platform he was standing on, and the only thing separating them was the deep chasm between them. He was really working himself up now; he had the flaring nostrils and everything.
He jabbed a finger at Ganondorf, who watched him with half-interest.
"I have HAD it with your grumbling!" he yelled. "All you do is sit on your tush, and give orders to make life more miserable for me, because I'm always fighting for my life to destroy that mess that you left out there! Well, you know what? I, Link of Hyrule, Hero of Time, who rarely complains—"
"I'm starting to find that hard to believe," Ganondorf mumbled under his breath.
"—in fact I hardly speak at all—"
"Could've fooled me."
"... will now preform the daring act... of complaint."
Link closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. His features calmed, his shoulders relaxed. He drew himself up as he exhaled, and then his eyes drifted open.
Ganondorf eyed him warily, wondering what he was up to.
Link stretched his arm out straight in front of him with a balled fist. He stood like that a moment, staring at it like he was puzzling over what to do next. Suddenly, his expression cleared, and his pointer flicked downward.
Ganondorf flinched.
Again, Link paused as if for effect. He breathed in slowly.
"My feet," he began, "are killing me."
The King of Evil stared at him. Was that all?
His amber eyes followed the finger's line of... direction, to rest on Link's feet. They were encased in extremely tight boots.
He cocked an eyebrow. "Uh... maybe if you didn't wear shoes two sizes too—"
"EEYEEAHH! DON'T LOOK AT THEM!"
Without warning, Link sprang up in front of Ganondorf. In a blurring instant, he had used his hookshot, a metal hand-held contraption he had received in the depths of Kakariko graveyard, to yank him onto the center platform.
"DON'T LOOK UPON THEM!" he yelled. "YOU WILL MAR THEIR SHININESS!"
Ganondorf leaped back. "What the—?"
"YOU ARE NOT WORTHY!"
The King of Evil was aghast by Link's behavior. "What are you—?"
"SAY IT!" Link jabbed his finger at him and gave him the evil eye for emphasis. "SAY THOSE WORDS!"
Ganondorf's hands shot up in defense. "Alright, alright! I am not worthy!"
"AGAIN!"
"I am not worthy! I am not worthy!"
"NOW BOW!"
Link's victim dropped to the floor before him.
"I am not worthy! I am not worthy! I am not—!"
Ganondorf cut off suddenly and shook his head. Wait, what was he doing?!
He jumped to his feet and drew himself to his full height, once again feeling like the King of Evil that he was. He scowled down his prominent nose at Link, who suddenly did not seem so sure of himself.
"Your shoes... " Ganondorf hissed, "... are UGLY!"
Link gasped in horror.
"No, it's not true!" he cried out in denial. "They are the most loveliest shoes in the land!"
"They are as hideous as boko moblins!" Ganondorf continued ruthlessly. "They are more ghastly than stall-childs!"
"Gaah! It burns!" Link cried out, slapping his hands over his ears.
"My re-dead can't even BEGIN to compare to their vileness! Why, Bongo-Bongo himself would KILL to have looks that matched those of the horrendous boots!"
Though he would die before admitting it, Ganondorf was beginning to feel a little envious of the image he had created of those boots.
"It freezes!" Link shouted, still covering his ears.
The King of Evil was about to take it a daring step forward.
Yes, indeed, Ganondorf was about to say the most scalding thing that had ever come forth from his mouth...