AN: QLFC Season 5 Round 5, substituting for the seeker since no one volunteered in the reserves.
Nagini and Harry brotp? Brotp. (This is in now way serious, it's all just crack. I wrote this really quickly lol.)
The title of this fic comes from the song Close to You by The Carpenters. I chose it for maximum laughs.
Word count: 1, 142
The worst thing about Voldemort finding out that Harry is a Horcrux, weirdly enough, is how protective he is. With only Harry and Nagini left, Voldemort goes to great lengths to ensure their comfort and safety. He checks in every night like an overbearing boyfriend.
"Seriously, Tom, please. One hour. That's all I'm asking." This is what Harry is reduced to: begging on his knees.
In the fireplace Voldemort's head tilts to the side, amused. Harry's starting to get used to his snake-face so he can tell the slight wrinkle at the corners of Voldemort's eyes means that he's amused. It's a bit harder to tell his expressions through a floo call, but not impossible.
"If anyone else called me that they'd be dead by now," Voldemort muses. "But I guess I should be thankful you haven't picked up Nagini's names for me."
"I'd rather die than call you that. Also, you're changing the subject." Harry says instantly.
Nagini hisses beside Harry. She almost lunges into the fireplace, which would have been hilarious because Voldemort would have gotten a faceful of a six-foot reptile, but Harry stops her because they need Voldemort to be in a good mood. The last time she did that she didn't get live rodents for an entire week. It was hell for both of them.
"We will stay within the gardens," Nagini bargains. "We won't even try to eat the shout-y ones."
"What she means to say is that we won't bug your Death Eaters," Harry says quickly. "But really, could you make them stop shouting whenever they see us? It's getting kinda old."
Voldemort rolls his eyes. No one would believe Harry if he tells them that the Dark Lord rolls his eyes when he thinks something's dumb. Harry has so much to tell, but no one to tell it to. Everyone is too scared to get near after Voldemort publicly tortured the last person who tried to hurt Harry, even after Voldemort specifically said that no one was to touch him. The learning curve was steep.
"They shout because you keep saying 'Nagini, lunch,' when you see them." Voldemort says. Nagini hisses, but she's already bored of the conversation and is curling around Harry to sleep. Harry has to push her body out of the way so that he can still see Voldemort.
"That's our name for them. 'Lunch.'" Harry says. It actually is.
Voldemort stares at Harry blankly.
"You're the one who lets her eat people," Harry defends himself. "I haven't even let her dismember people yet."
Voldemort's face turns pained - for a given value of pained. His face is kind of stiff as a half-snake man, so 'pained' really just looks like the skin around his eyes and between his eyebrows tightening and crinkling. "I thought I'd enjoy you turning Dark. I thought that you'd be helpful. Instead I get this."
Harry squints at him. "What's 'this?'"
"Another pet. Nice for company, not very useful." Voldemort answers bluntly.
"Nice," Harry says, nodding approvingly. "I like it better when you don't try to make me do dumb things. Nagini says that I shouldn't let you get your way all the time, too, since that'd just make you more insufferable than usual."
"I should never have left you two alone," Voldemort says.
Nagini lifts her head up. "But if you didn't, I would never have taken Harry as a hatchling," she says, affronted. She curls tighter around Harry, coils pressing firmly against him. Two months ago, he would have panicked. Now he doesn't even flinch. He leans back into her instead, getting comfortable.
"Exactly," Voldemort says. "And I'll give you three hours in the garden the next time I'm in the mansion. That will be two days from now."
Harry looks at him. "What's the catch?"
"You have to sit through a meeting tonight."
It's Harry's turn to look pained. "With the Inner Circle?"
"No."
Harry groans. "Must we?"
Voldemort snorts. "Trust me, if I could I would just keep you in the mansion. Aside from your safety, it would give me a fewer headaches."
Despite Voldemort's paranoia about his safety, Harry does occasionally make appearances in front of others for events. At least once every month or so he's trotted out in front of the Death Eaters to make a point. Harry thinks Voldemort just likes showing off that his supposed greatest enemy is no threat to the Great Dark Lord or whatever. The only good thing about these appearances is that Harry usually just has to sit there and look pretty.
"Silence!" Voldemort shouts. In the cushions next to his weird throne of marble (it's really uncomfortable, Harry can confirm this), Harry wakes up from his nap in the middle of Nagini's coils.
"What's going on now?" Harry asks her as he sits up. He'd dropped off in the middle of talks about the Ministry.
The Death Eaters in the meeting shift uncomfortably. Harry can see them staring at him even with their masks on when he looks to them, scanning the crowd.
Nagini lifts her head up to look at Harry. "Something dumb," Nagini hisses, tongue flicking in and out. She shifts a bit, nudging Harry closer to Voldemort's throne with her body. "Some of the lunch suggested that they give you back to the Light when the peace talks came up."
"I still can't believe that we've gotten to the point that the war is almost over," Harry grumbles. "And he doesn't like it when we call it 'peace talks.'"
"That is correct," Voldemort butts in. He drops a hand down to caress Nagini's scales, then tangles the same hand into Harry's hair. He tugs it, gently, but with enough force to get Harry's attention. "They are negotiations for the Light's surrender. Of course I expect the Order will not be participating, but one rogue faction doesn't mean I have to expend the effort to kill off half of the wizarding population."
Harry rolls his eyes. "Hilarious, considering that was your plan until only a bit ago."
"Yes," Voldemort says, "it's really unfortunate I couldn't convince you the benefits of that plan. I had to change it just so that you'd stop whining."
"I do not whine!" Harry protests.
"You do," Nagini rebukes. "Sorry, but you do. You were very annoying when you first came to me." She hisses, and then for fun snaps her jaws at a close-by Death Eater that has been staring too long at Harry in her opinion.
"This is why Nagini is my favourite," Voldemort says while the Death Eater yelps and then apologises profusely to Voldemort, begging not to be eaten. He's probably the one who suggested using Harry as a bargaining chip.
"I can't believe I talk to either of you," Harry says. He really can't believe this is his life now.