You don't care. You don't. Not at all. And you never will. You can't. He isn't yours. You aren't supposed to care.
He's the hero, he gets the girl. Not the whiny asshole that watched from the sidelines.
You still don't care.
Why should you? Stupid fucking Dave told you he had a crush on the derp, so why should you care?
Because you like the derp. You like the derp a lot. And it hurts, so much.
How could you let things get out of hand like this? You knew this would happen, and you just watched. You could have done something!
You did do something, you helped. In a way. You helped them. You know deep down you couldn't have done anything to have helped yourself, so you chose instead to help them.
You just never thought John would take it so well. Too well, in fact. Some twisted part of you was hoping he would reject Dave. Even if that meant he would probably reject you as well.
Whatever, you still don't care.
They can be happy. Its their right. They won the game, for gog's sake! They have every right to be happy. Together. Without you.
That's fine though. Everything is fine. You don't get upset when you find them cuddling on the couch during movie night. You don't scream when you see them kiss. You don't even throw anything when you sometimes catch them making out. You just grumble and walk away. No point in making a big deal about it.
Besides, you knew he would never like you like that. He told you so. He said straight out he wasn't interested. And you pretended not to care.
You DON'T care. You don't.
Its not like he was ever yours anyways. It had always been Dave, and you knew it. There had never been room for anyone else. Not even Vriska had a chance. Not while Dave was there.
You knew this, and you still allowed your self to hope. Hope he would change his mind.
He didn't.
You should have told Dave the truth. You should have told him when he asked. But you lied to him. Because you knew he was crushing on the derp hard. So you said you weren't. You told him he free to do whatever he wanted to.
Dave was only trying to look out for you. He was just trying to save you from heartache.
You were doing the same. You were looking out for him. You knew how the derp felt about him, so you let it happen. It was going to end up a thing sooner or later anyways, so you were just doing them a favor. A huge favor.
You knew how they both felt, so you did nothing, you let it happen. You MADE it happen. Because you wanted them both to be happy. Even if that meant your own happiness would be crushed. Crushed, thrown across the lab, stomped on, and set on fire.
But you don't care. You won't. You refuse to care about someone who was never yours in the first place.
You refuse to cry over someone who didn't even know he was hurting you.
You refuse to care.
So you don't.
You don't care.
You can't, so you won't. If the only reason you can't care is because he has someone else, then you stick with that reason. As long as it works for you. Makes it okay. Makes it seem not so fucking bad all the time.
But it's not. It tears up apart inside when you see them together. You know you could have said something, but you didn't. You could never get in between a love like theirs, even IF it hurts. You could never hurt your best friend. You know that deep down. You know even if you had tried, you never would have gone through with it.
It shouldn't hurt this much. It really shouldn't. You know that for a fact. It shouldn't cause you this much physical and mental pain. It's gotten to the point that it's just stupid. Stupid and you hate it. You hate yourself for letting it get to this point. Where you can do nothing but try to forget. Try to think about someone else, try to FIND someone else.
But you can't. You never have. In the past several years, you could never find someone else. You know, because you tried. You just couldn't...fall out of love with John.
Everyone was paired up with someone. Everyone had someone they could go to for love. Except for you. You were alone.
Alone and not caring.
You still don't care. You won't, can't.
Even when they come to you with the announcement of their engagement, you won't care. You refuse to. You won't let it effect you all that much.
Even when they have separate bachelor parties and want you at both. You still wont care. You will go to neither, saying some bullshit excuse about how you hate parties and such. But you just don't want to do something stupid. Or say something stupid.
And even when they have their wedding, you won't cry out. You won't interrupt during the 'speak now or forever hold your' blah blah blah bullshit. You will hold your tongue and let them get married.
You will, however, have to hold tight to Kanaya. Else you would feel like you were ripping at the seams.
You won't let it make you care. You will never let it make you care. Not even when they move away and forget all about you. It won't matter, not to you.
Not even when you finally lay down to take your final breath. You will take this to your grave. You and Kanaya are the only ones allowed to ever know. You can never let anyone else know. It would get around and you would never get to speak to Dave or John ever again.
You don't want that. You would hate that.
So you don't care. You refuse to care.
You don't.
Not one bit.