Note: This is something of an experiment: three interconnected stories about the Marauders confessing to the secrets they have been keeping from each other.

The dormitory can be really annoying at night, especially if you've got really good hearing like me. When I first turned into a rat, I was shocked at how loud everything is. But the more I did it, the more normal it became, and I think I can hear just as well as a rat even when I'm a person. Of course, everyone thinks they're being quiet, but they really, really aren't. It's three now, and I'm overwhelmed by the amount of noise that these people can make.

Timmy McDougal snores. Not gentle snoring, more like a bunch of angry Manticores. Sometimes it's so loud (to me, especially, of course), that I want to stuff a pillow on his face. Imagine what the Daily Prophet would say! "Peter Pettigrew, 18, claims that he was provoked by the victim's snoring. The trial continues." I don't want to get into trouble, obviously, so I won't ever really do that.

Then there's James. It's funny, he's really cool during the day. At night he's a different person. At the moment he's asleep, kind of sighing in his sleep. I know why, it's because he's horny as hell. He once managed to get Lily in here at night, but she wouldn't even toss him off. He wanks rather a lot, I can hear the furtive shuffling and the mad grab for a tissue. I don't think any less of him, everybody does it. I really wish I didn't have to listen to it, though.

I've been thinking about these other noises because there's one more that I really, really don't want to hear. For the last few weeks, I've noticed Remus and Sirius getting into bed with each other. I hear the furtive smacking of kisses, the rustling of pyjamas and duvets and a gentle, rhythmic fap fap fap. One of them moans slightly, I think it's Remus: his voice is higher. I shouldn't have to hear this, it's absolutely disgusting. I mean, they're both blokes! I know Remus is a bit shy around girls, but Sirius could have (and has had, I've heard it) any girl he wants. Perhaps he's shagged his way through all the girls at Hogwarts and now he's moved on to the blokes. God, I hope I'm not next.

I listen to Timmy's snores, it sounds like pigs fucking, but it's better than the alternative. James sighs loudly, the groan of a boy in dire need of a good shag. I know how he feels, I'm in exactly the same boat.

The guys think I can't get a girlfriend. They don't think that a short, pointy-faced fatty would ever be attractive to a girl. They're completely and utterly wrong—I do have a girlfriend, and she's absolutely bloody great. A soft, sweet little body, intelligent, and she's cute, too. Unfortunately, she's a bit of a stickler for rules. She's a prefect, and follows school rules to the absolute letter. That means I haven't even got to snog her yet, let alone see what she's keeping beneath that adorable little fluffy cardigan. I know I'll get my chance though; I checked the rules (Filch gave me such a funny look; I think he believed I was planning some mischief). She was right about snogging in corridors being banned, despite everyone doing it. Same with the library. She's in Ravenclaw, so common rooms are out of bounds. Every room in the bloody castle is technically a snog-free zone, so are vast swathes of the grounds. Not that that matters, she doesn't like walking round outside, says it's too cold. It's bloody April! Normal rules don't apply in Hogsmeade, though. I can do what I want. I'll take her to Madam Puddifoot's, and over tea and biscuits I'll show her what she's been missing. I'll be dashing and charming, just like James. I think she'll like that, and she'll love the shop, it's all flowery with pictures of kittens.

It'll be brilliant. We'll be chatting, she'll flash that sweet smile and I'll say, "Dolores Umbridge, kiss me now."

There's one big problem in all of this—I don't know if the group will like her. I can't really see why not, but unlike us, she likes to follow all the rules. We run around on full moons in our illegal Animagus forms. That doesn't bother me, Sirius always used to say (before he became a raging homo, obviously) that one should never be completely honest with girls and that your life with your mates and your life with a chick should be kept separate at all costs. So that's what I'm doing. Nobody knows about me and Dolores except, well, me and Dolores.

Secrets always come out, though, don't they? It happened today. We were sitting around in the common room, making revision plans for our NEWTs. It's coming up quickly now, only two months to go. Only Remus has actually started working towards them. Not surprisingly, it was his idea to make our timetables. As an aside, I find it bloody weird the way that him and Sirius act together—it's just the same, like they're mates rather than bum-chums. I don't know how they can look each other in the eye after the horrible things they do to each other. "Queer" is a good word for it, because it's really strange.

Anyway, James was complaining about how bloody pointless even bothering to revise for Divination is. "It's all bollocks, anyway," he said.

"Pretty much," Remus said wryly.

"I don't know," Sirius said, his voice taking on that tone that I know means he'll be teasing someone. As Snivellus wasn't around, I expected it would probably be me. I was right. "You could get really good at it and help Wormy out by finding out when he's finally going to get a girlfriend."

"I don't need a crystal ball for that," James said, and put on a spooky voice. He sounded exactly Professor Miller, the Divination tacher. "I can tell you it'll be on the twelfth of never."

Now I think about it, it's kind of funny. He did do a brilliant impression, and it was only a little bit of light-hearted joking between friends. At the time, though, it hurt my feelings, especially because they all laughed. For a second there, I hated them. Sirius with his silly platform boots that are apparently a Muggle fashion—no wonder they haven't advanced as far as wizards if they think shoes like that are a good idea. Remus giggling away while pretending to be the sensible one. And James, even James, the coolest guy in the world acting like a bastard. Like I said, I see the funny side now though, and I felt bad about thinking Sirius's boots were stupid. I could do with some, they'll make me look taller.

I stupidly let my secret out. "I have a girlfriend right now," I said, blushing bright red.

"Imaginary ones don't count," Sirius said, giving me a withering look. I can understand why he did that, I had kept it secret for a while, after all.

"I do," I blustered. Can't bolt the door after the Thestral's flown off, my nan used to say, and now I'd told them, I thought I might as well tell them everything. "She's in Ravenclaw, fifth year. She's-"

I stopped because they were all looking at me like I'd grown another head. For a second I worried I'd turned into a rat right in the middle of the common room. I hadn't, they were just that shocked. Maybe I should be offended about that.

"Have you... snogged her?" James said, his jaw hanging open. I didn't want to answer that question, it's a bit embarrassing really. So I said something a little bit stupid.

"You can all meet her this Hogsmeade weekend."

Thing is, I don't know if I want them to meet her, but I've committed to it now. I'd been hoping for cosy teas in Madam Puddifoot's, but now it'll be more like some kind of party. I hope they like her, I really do. I doubt they will.

And here's something I've just thought of, it's even more worrying. What if Dolores doesn't like them?

Sirius and Remus can't come, they've got detention. Apparently they were pretending to be ghosts and terrifying the first years. I thought of a funny joke about that—they're ghosts and they're homos, so they put the willies up each other. I laughed to myself about that, and I really wish I could tell James, but I know Sirius would rip my balls off if I gave away his secret. Imagine that, I'd finally have a girlfriend, but no balls! When James does find out, I'll tell him my joke, and he'll find it as hilarious as I did.

At the moment, me and Dolores are alone in the tea shop, James and Lily are meeting us here in a bit. I wish I'd been able to ask someone for tips about how to get a girl to snog you, as I don't know quite how to initiate it. Should I ask her? Should I just squish my face on hers and do it? Should I point out the other snogging couples and say "fancy a bit of that?"? Is there some kind of moment, a cue... what? I ask Dolores which Quidditch team she supports. She says she doesn't follow Quidditch. Good, neither do I. Except Gryffindor, obviously, but that's mostly because James is such a brilliant Chaser.

"Funny weather we're having, isn't it?" I say. This is terrible. What would Sirius do? Bum Remus. That won't get me a snog. What would James do? He'd probably say something devastatingly funny. I wrack my brains to think of all the jokes I know—unfortunately, I don't think I can tell the one about the homo ghosts.

This is absolutely terrible. I can't think of a single joke. Luckily Dolores speaks.

"This place is so cute." Her voice goes up at the end, and it's so sweet. I just want to kiss her.

Maybe I should say this. It sounds like something James would say.

I never get a chance to say it, as James and Lily walk in, holding hands. They glance over, and he whispers something to Lily. They both giggle. I hope he's not being horrible about Dolores.

"Afternoon, Peter, fancy seeing you in here!" He's making it look like a chance meeting, he's so clever.

"Yo, James," I say. Apparently "yo" is a cool thing to say. "Hi there, Lily."

They plonk themselves down next to us, and James is saying, "So who's the lovely lady?" It's all so smoothly done.

"This is Dolores. Dolores, this is James, and this is Lily." Dolores sticks out her little hand. Lily shakes it, James kisses it. My mate has just got further with my girlfriend than me. I must ask him to teach me how to be as cool as he is.

They're chatting away, and I kind of forget to speak, I'm just so happy that they seem to be getting on. Then it all changes.

"Well, I don't think that's particularly funny. It's dangerous and against the rules." Dolores's sounds quite firm, I think it's kind of sexy, but James looks momentarily appalled.

"Rules are made to be broken, though. Especially silly rules like that. I mean-"

"The rules are there for a reason, James." She gives out a little giggle, to me it's like the sound of a babbling brook on a summer's day. "Forgive me for saying this, but if there weren't rules we'd all be running around like little animals."

I must rescue this from the brink. Think, Pettigrew, think.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" I say. Finally, I've thought of a joke. Not a very good one, but hopefully I'll change the subject. "To get to the other side!" I spread my arms, a ta-da pose. Even Dolores rolls her eyes.

"The first time I heard that joke I fell of my dinosaur laughing," James says. Lily screams with laughter at this comment, but at least the mood is changed. We start telling jokes. Lily tells one about cats. James tells a bit of a dirty one about the Sorting Hat. I expect Dolores to be offended, but it's so funny that she smiles. Lily gets up—she says she's going to powder her nose, but I know she's really going for a wee. This is going so well, we can go on double dates together.

"I'd like to tell a little joke if that's possible," she says. "Why can't blind werewolves read?" I wait with baited breath—I didn't know she was funny, too! "Because they're completely stupid!"

It's not a funny joke, actually. I'm disappointed. James, however, has gone bright red, his face is actually the same colour as Lily's hair.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, they are rather stupid, aren't they," Dolores says.

"Only because- only because," he's so angry he can't speak. This is not going well at all. "Only because people like you have been keeping them down for years. That's so bloody prejudiced. You're an idiot."

"I beg your pardon, but it sounds a little like you're insulting me." Dolores's voice is tight. Then she gets up and storms out! My dreams of double dates evaporating, I rise to follow her, but James grabs my arm.

"Why are you going after her?" he hisses.

"Because-"

"She has got to go. The bitch, how could she think like that?"

"Everyone's welcome to their own opinions," I say. I don't know if I necessarily believe that, but it's what I say, anyway. It did seem a little rude.

"Are you forgetting," he drops his voice, "that one of your best friends is a bloody werewolf? She's also probably a meddlesome little cow who will find out what we do. If she doesn't know already. Did you hear the comment about 'little animals'? If she's on to us, we're fucked. Absolutely fucked."

I struggle to think of a way to save face. I cannot see what I can do. I feel like I want to cry.

"So she's got to go. Either that, or lose your mates. And put us all in danger. Fucking hell, Wormtail..."

Lily returns, and she looks surprised. She'd left an awkward double date and returned to her boyfriend looking like a tomato and me gazing at the floor wishing it would eat me so I wouldn't have to think about what I should do.

I can't lose my mates. But neither can I lose Dolores. It's not like I love her or anything. It's just—this sounds so incredibly pathetic—she's the only girl who's ever been interested. I'm eighteen and I've never had a snog. She'd probably have snogged me today.

Then it hits me, an idea. I'm actually having a good idea, I think.

She can be my secret girlfriend. It will be more sexy that way. It worked before. I can make it even more urgent, and perhaps we'll have a snog (maybe more!) against the rules. I am easily as clever as James, and Remus, and Sirius. Easily. Look at my brilliant idea.

"You're right, Pr- James." I correct myself because we're not meant to use our nicknames in front of Lily. She doesn't know what we can do. "She has to go. Prejudice is bad."

"Well done," he says. Lily looks totally confused, but I know James will explain everything without giving anything away. He claps me on the back. I feel pleased, I managed to tell a lie, and I get to keep everything.

It's hard to track down Dolores, it's almost as if she's avoiding me. Added to that, I have to be covert about looking for her. James would go mental if he found out.

A week after the fiasco at Madam Puddifoot's I bump into her in the corridor. I've just come from Muggle Studies, which none of the others do. They say it's a soft option, but I think it's very challenging.

"Dolores," I say. I feel my pulse racing, and I think I'm starting to pant. It's all very exciting, the beginning of our secret relationship. I lean towards her, and begin to choose my words. This is a momentous occasion. Nobody is around, maybe she'll hug me and I'll feel her boobs pressed against me. It needs to be something romantic yet sexy.

"Shouldn't you be playing with your friends?" she says. "I believe they're far more important than little me."

I need to choose my words carefully. She's pissed off I didn't go after her, and James had a go at her. James—or maybe it's Sirius—one of them, anyway, says that one can always win an angry chick round with sweet words.

"I-"

She interrupts, but I don't hear what she says, as I'm too busy being relieved that I didn't have to think of anything to come after "I".

"Pardon?"

"Oh, Petey, it seems like you're not listening to me even now. You're very rude, and I don't think I want to be your girlfriend anymore."

She walks away, the second time this week. I am helpless. I have just lost the girl I could possibly one day love, after we've done it, of course. I didn't even get a little snog. Not even a peck on the cheek.

This is all James's fault. I feel a tide of bad feeling surging inside me. Everything else he's ever done has all been a bit of fun, but this is something else. He's made me lose my girlfriend. I am so furious, I think I might actually hate him. I fantasise about revenge, more vivid even than when I think of putting pillows on Timmy McDougal's snoring face.

Of course I won't commit any revenge. I'll have to hang out with him still, think how lonely I'd be without him. No girlfriend and no mates.

I'll stick with him. Maybe one day I'll have an opportunity to fuck things up without him knowing it's me.

Next: Remus and Sirius