a/n for mew and mor's weird pairing competition, so credit for the pairings go to them. This will be a collection of fics, posted separately, each concerning one a different couple or character during or after a war, and the effect it has on them.
title: your heart is like the night
summary: You have awaited your death for nineteen years, since you set another's into motion.
pairing: Rabastan Lestrange/James Potter, slight Rabastan/James/Lily Potter
style: freeverse
notes: part one of the "futility" series.
( this is war. )
.
there's a little girl on the ground
her heart is still
her eyes are blank
her skin is dark
dark like your sister-in-law's soul
dark like the tea you drank by the litre
dark like the pair of eyes you dream about
lifeless like your heart has been
(seventeen years, it whispers
poisonous as the snake engraved upon your arm)
there is a little girl on the ground
she did not deserve to die
.
( not like you )
(you have awaited your death for nineteen years
since you set another's into motion)
.
"tabescet!"
you are melting
your insides ripped out
you are burning from your core
(so this is what vengeance feels like)
you deserve it
.
you close your eyes
and it's almost like you can breathe again
seventeen years worth of breath
healing the holes in your heart that you put there yourself
in your cowardice
your pain
your inability to let the dead die
and then you open your eyes and the world is grey
.
the doors look the same
you know what they mean
choices
choices you never got to make
{ or maybe you did
and you wasted them }
you can't choose between them
"indecisive," a voice whispers in your mind
and it sounds like your not-blood sister
you are weak
.
"are you just going to stand there all day?"
you have missed this voice
craved it
grieved its loss
"well?" he asks
and you bind your hands together with his
[ all is forgiven ]
you have made your choice
.
{ he is always your first choice.
unless he isn't }
.
you look up into his face
hazel eyes
glittering smile
(i love you, i love you)
and you remember
.
you remember cold afternoons spent huddled at the back of the library
because who would look for James Potter there?
you remember kisses that set you on fire
burned you to death
destroyed your barriers till your heart seized up
and you swore you would never kiss him again
- until you did -
because it's too hard to let things go
and you were too selfish to try
.
you remember sitting in the stands
watching him fly
catching his smiles with both hands
and never letting go
[ why should you?
his smiles were always yours, anyway ]
.
you remember whispers
your frosty breath piercing the air as you cling to him
this may be your last moment
( you don't want to give him up
b u t
family means everything
you don't have a choice )
"my brother's joining the dark lord."
"and you?"
"will you still love me if I do?"
"forever."
.
you remember burning
wand tip to flesh
soul to soul
an imprint that would scar you for life
(a snake that slithered into your life and refused to let you breathe)
your body marked
your soul splintered
your heart destroyed until
until
until -
.
"serve me well."
you have no choice
"forever, my lord."
and so it begins
( you have no choice )
.
"Lestrange."
"yes, my lord?"
"you will lead the attack on the order's headquarters. do not fail me."
you won't fail
of course you won't
with your new sister's eyes piercing into your back
sharper than a knife
sharper than her poisoned words that lead you to this
(she lead your brother
and you followed)
.
"i will kill a prophecy child tonight."
- applause -
of course they applaud him
the greatest of them all
the dark lord
(of course they applaud - they, like you, do not have a choice)
but you are dying
[you have heard of the prophecy child
- only in whispers -
but nonetheless hearing
until Severus Snape ambushes you in a corridor and says
"the Potters."
and you know you are lost ]
.
"are you certain, my lord? should not one of us kill the boy? he is not worthy of you."
the words kill you to say
stab you in the heart and choke you with your thoughts
Harry Potter is half of James
(i love you, i love you)
and he is worth the world
"i will kill the boy."
and the world ends
.
you regret many things
but not dying in the attempt to warn James -
{ and Lily, always Lily
for Severus warned you because he thought you loved one
and he the other
and maybe between you there was a chance to save them both }
- not dying in the attempt to warn James is at the top of the list
.
"can we go?" he says
he is impatient
he has not changed
( unlike you
with your taken lives branded into your skin )
"go where?"
"home of course," he says
easy as breathing
though breathing has never been easy for you
"Lily is waiting."
you smile
{ long red hair dancing in the breeze
her toes bare against your heated skin
his mouth on your neck
her laugh
his eyes
home }
"let's go home."
.
and maybe Snape was wrong about you loving one
but not the other
you couldn't save them
you couldn't make a choice between them
though you loved him first and most and best
he loved her first
and she loved you
you couldn't bring yourself to choose
( "indecisive," Bellatrix says
and you wish again that you had chosen )
you loved him first and best and most
but you love them both
twin fires
burning you to death
forcing you to live
to breathe
"love me," you say
"forever."
"forever."
twin fires
burning as one
"forever."
.
( you smile)
you have found a new beginning in your ending
a/n Please review, and let me know your thoughts! I haven't written a freeverse in a long time, so I'm a bit nervous about this one.