Title: Whump, 'Tis Better Than Porn!?
Summary: Shameless Self-Parody/Humour/Hurt/Comfort. Crack!Fic. This was going to be an essay about why I enjoy whumping Rodney/whumping in general, but to make it more interesting and relevant I turned it into this slightly surreal heart-to-heart between whumper and whumpee. It's in script format as there was too much speech to write it any other way. (INT = Interior)
Characters: Rodney McKay and John Sheppard.
Rating: 15 (T)
Warning! Remember (and I cannot emphasize this enough) this is just *my opinion* No research books were consulted to write this, nor were any real scientists hurt during the production of this story (although Rodney begs to differ). This is rather strange and very different to what I usually write (obviously...) And is probably all the evidence *they* need to finally section me and cart me away to a lovely padded room somewhere... (I'm just too damned honest)

I know this site is 'anti-script' and I apologize for that. I don't know why this is and it was the reason why I hesitated to post this.

INT: ATLANTIS MESS HALL. LUNCHTIME

(Rodney McKay is stalking along the food table. He eyes the culinary delights laid out before him hungrily and reaches for a sandwich)

SHEPPARD: I wouldn't if I were you, McKay.

McKAY: (Leaves his hand hovering near the sandwich stupidly) Why not?

SHEPPARD: Word is that anything you eat today will have a trace of citrus in it and send you into anaphylactic shock.

McKAY: (A little panicked) But I have to eat soon or I'll go into hypoglycaemic shock! (Narrows eyes at John) Was that a threat?

SHEPPARD: (Holds up hands) No! This comes from the highest authority in our universe.

McKAY: (Tilts his head up to the ceiling like he's cocking his ear) Can you hear something?

SHEPPARD: Sounds like typing. (Looks up and shouts) Leave McKay alone, Varda!

McKAY: (In terror and resignation) Oh… her…

SHEPPARD: I know. But she gave both of us epi-pens so you'll be fine… eventually.

VARDA: (Booming laugh) Not likely! Hang on…

INT: EMPTY STONE CELL.

(There are no windows, but there is a single, sturdy door. There are also straps on one of the walls and Rodney is pacing around the floor nervously)

McKAY: Oh, come on! Enough with the torture already!

VARDA: Nope! (Pokes Rodney with the pointy end of a pen)

McKAY: (His chest is bleeding and he holds it with his hand) Ow! What was that for?

VARDA: (Shrugs) For the blood. You'll get rescued before those broken ribs kill you, but it's gonna be a close one.

McKAY: (Collapses on the floor and curls up) What…?

VARDA: Be heroic! Suck it up!

McKAY: You sound like Sheppard.

VARDA: Really? I just like bringing out the best in you.

McKAY: (Squeaks) By killing me?

VARDA: Nah, by hurting you to within an inch of your life.

McKAY: (Gasps) Why?

VARDA: Maybe if you were a little bit nicer and stayed like it all the time I wouldn't have to.

McKAY: I'm nice!

VARDA: Yeah, right. Here.

(Captor enters the cell and straps Rodney to the wall. He is too weak to resist)

CAPTOR: (Evil dramatic monotone) Aha! I am not a blatant representation of Varda's bad day!

(Captor pulls a long thin skewer from his belt. There are many attached there. They are thicker than needles so that they will not snap and have small plates at the end so that they can be used without injuring the Captor. He stabs the first one into Rodney's side and pushes it all the way through until it hits the wall behind him)

McKAY: (Screams) Ahh!!

VARDA: Now, be brave and selfless like I know you can.

McKAY: (Pants in pain) (Resigned) Alright, you got me. But I'm not a pincushion or a Voodoo doll for you to just do as you wish!

(Captor jabs Rodney with another skewer, through his upper arm this time. The wall behind is softer than it should be, and this skewer goes into the wall after it's run through Rodney, effectively pinning him in place. Rodney has his eyes tightly closed and is breathing heavily as his hand spasms, but he can't move his arm)

CAPTOR: (Evil dramatic monotone) What is the gate address for Atlantis?

McKAY: No.

(Captor continues to stick the skewers in him. First in his other arm, then both his legs and then another one through his side. Rodney is in a huge amount of pain, but he does not break)

McKAY: (Whimpers and then speaks to Varda) Don't you have the power to end this and make me better again?

VARDA: Sure, but ultimately it doesn't really matter what I do to you, because you're not real.

McKAY: (Sadly) Yes, I am.

(Rodney's hand comes free and the skewer is pulled from the wall. He rests his hand on his bleeding chest briefly and screws up his face in pain. He then raises his shaking and now crimson stained hand up and shows Varda)

McKAY: (Shakily) See. This blood is real and it hurts.

VARDA: I know. But it's just what I do.

McKAY: So, with all the control you've got over me, does it make you feel like a god or something?

VARDA: No, uh, yes? It's complicated. I can hurt, comfort or even kill you, but ultimately I just whump you because I enjoy it.

McKAY: (Mumbles) At my expense…

VARDA: Always.

CAPTOR: (To Rodney) (Evil dramatic monotone) What is your IDC?

VARDA: Shut it, you! We're talking.

McKAY: What's whump?

VARDA: (Rolls eyes and sighs) You don't know?

McKAY: I have a feeling…

VARDA: Whump is pain inflicted on a fictional character. It can be divided into two sub-categories, which in turn have two sub-sub-categories. There is whump(physical) and whump(mental). These both contain whump(hurt) and whump(comfort). Whump can only be enjoyed in a socially acceptable way if you thunk the specific character and it cannot ever be applied to a real person. (Thunk being the attraction/admiration of said character)

McKAY: So, to enjoy whump, you must thunk a character?

VARDA: (Slowly) Yes. Isn't that what I just said? (Doesn't like where this is leading)

McKAY: (Thinks for a moment)

(Rodney's still bleeding, but as Varda's forgotten to write about the Captor for a while, the Captor is standing as still as a statue in front of Rodney and hasn't poked him with any skewers for a while)

McKAY: (Looks up in triumph) Of course! Whump is related to smut! Especially the phallic properties of knives, which you like the most… (To self) It's so obvious now.

VARDA: (Shocked) What?! Where did that come from? I did Psychology A-Level with Freud and stuff, but I don't think so, McKay!

McKAY: (Long suffering eye roll) You've known that for years! Don't deny it! You even said last year that smut writing terminology was rather worryingly similar to whump(hurt).

VARDA: (Deadpan) I hadn't noticed.

CAPTOR: (Evil dramatic monotone) Mwahahaha. I returned. What is the gate address for Atlantis?

(Rodney shakes his head and braces himself with his teeth gritted. The Captor punches him in the stomach and Rodney grunts. The Captor then brings out a proper knife and thrusts it forwards and sinks it all the way into Rodney where it creates a deep, penetrating stab wound in Rodney's side)

McKAY: (Cries out) See… what… I… mean…? (Gasps and pants)

VARDA: (Looks around shiftily and shrugs) Well, that was the only justification I could think of for that feeling in my gut I get and why I like it. Anyway, that was before I discovered that I wasn't totally crazy and that there were others out there like me. It's just the way I'm wired.

McKAY: (To the side) Speak for yourself. (To Varda) There's more though isn't there?

VARDA: (Rolls eyes) Yes, yes, alright. Whump(comfort) usually involves some element of touching and nakedness.

McKAY: Not just that. To the casual observer (screws up face and closes eyes tightly) throes of pleasure could easily be confused with/mistaken for those caused by unbearable/insufferable agony.

VARDA: Obviously. That's how I initially made the connection about ten years ago.

(Rodney's whole body quivers as he continues to bleed. The Captor is frozen as Varda's forgotten his presence, yet again)

McKAY: What's with getting entertainment from all the jabbing blades and the loss of my crucial bodily fluids?

VARDA: There's another smutty thing…

McKAY: Don't you think it's sadistic?

VARDA: Possibly.

McKAY: (Enthusiastic) Face it! Whump is sadism. Doesn't reading/watching a character in pain release sympathetic endorphins similar to those released while reading/watching smut?

VARDA: I'm not sure. I don't think so. But there is a definite physical reaction, like a little twinge in my centre. It only happens some of the time, which is disappointing. The whump has to be really good for it to work. I don't usually get this reaction when I'm writing, but sometimes I do a few days later when I'm thinking about what I wrote.

McKAY: (Deadpan) Right. Whatever you say, Varda.

VARDA: (Ploughs on) But with you personally, I've seen the same nervousness associated with the fear of imminent pain and death also apparent around women you are romantically attracted to.

McKAY: (Incredulous) Really?

VARDA: Sure. Why do you think swapping hurt/comfort with romance wasn't too traumatic for me as a writer? They really are very similar.

McKAY: (Ponders) Well, when you put it like that…

VARDA: Come on, Rodney!

McKAY: (Mutters) It's Dr. McKay to you, you psychotic freak!

VARDA: Nah. I know you too intimately to ever call you anything other than Rodney.

McKAY: (Nervously) What do you know about me?

VARDA: (Raises eyebrows and laughs evilly)

McKAY: (Trembles) Okay, that's unsettling… Isn't it time to move onto the whump(comfort) side? (Passes out)

VARDA: Oopsy! Whump(comfort)? Fine. Whatever.

INT: ATLANTIS INFIRMARY

(Rodney is in a bed after an unwritten rescue scene Varda couldn't be bothered with, involving ten Puddle Jumpers, 2000 marines and a rubber duck. John is sitting next to Rodney holding his hand tightly)

McKAY: Couldn't that be seen as homosexual?

(John lets go of Rodney's hand so fast it looks like he's been burnt)

VARDA: Uh, not to me. (Frowns in confusion) How does it make you feel?

McKAY: Anchored, I suppose. It's nice not to be alone anymore. Glad that he cares enough to ignore the discomfort from the slashy undertones in such scenes.

VARDA: And you, John?

SHEPPARD: Hmm. Grateful he's back. Relieved. It's almost like I'm helping him out a bit, you know, making him stronger. How about you, Varda?

VARDA: I dunno, it just feels kinda nice.

McKAY: (Rolls eyes) Oh, pur-lease! (Glances around the infirmary) Where are Ronon and Teyla anyway? Don't they care about me?

VARDA: Ronon just grunts and Teyla simpers.

SHEPPARD: (Drawls dangerously) Careful or she'll rip you in half.

McKAY: (Dreamily) I find Ronon's incoherent grunts and mumbles to be strangely comforting.

SHEPPARD: Whatever. (Grabs Rodney's hand again)

(Long pause)

SHEPPARD: Hey, Varda, what's up with the comfort thing and why is it generally only women who go for it?

VARDA: That's a (fairly) easy one.

McKAY: (Sarcastic) Please enlighten us, your highness.

SHEPPARD: (Winks at Rodney) Getting in her good book won't be enough to save you.

McKAY: (Grimaces in fear)

VARDA: Too right. Anyway, your questions; I think it's because men are conditioned not to talk about their feelings and being in pain/nearly dying lowers all those ingrained cultural barriers to reveal the real person hidden underneath.

McKAY: (Pats chest and winces) But I'm real and I'm right here!

VARDA: Yes, but specifically for you, Rodney, your heroic and more interesting selfless side only comes out when you're hurt. Also there's the vulnerability thing. Poor Rodney (everyone says) as you're only a civilian scientist and not trained to deal with/ignore your pain. You're not much of a fighter and can't defend yourself as well as the others

McKAY: (puffs out chest in pride and then pitifully whimpers as it jostles his broken ribs and obscene number of fatal (if this was realistic) stab wounds) Hey! I can deck Teyla (when she lets me)

VARDA: (Ignores him) You need help when you're hurt and whump(comfort) eventually provides that assistance. (Looks away and raises eyebrows)

SHEPPARD: Brace yourself, McKay.

VARDA: Actually, I'm not that keen on comfort.

McKAY: (Squeaks) Why not? (Sinks into bed and pulls covers up to his eyes with only his fingers visible as he peers over the sheet in fright)

VARDA: (Shrugs) Dunno. I'm not much of a touchy feely person.

McKAY: Could've fooled me with all those pointy knives and fists.

VARDA: Maybe the whump(comfort) thing is a way of seeing other characters rally around you and letting you know how much they care about you. They are able to finally reveal their true feelings about you. For you, Rodney, you're usually an arrogant, unapproachable whatsit!

McKAY: Hey!

VARDA: But you can't escape the team/friend love in the infirmary when you're so badly hurt.

SHEPPARD: There's also the smutty/thunky physical contact thing again too.

VARDA: But you weren't even in that scene!

SHEPPARD: (Shrugs) Serious bleeding injuries facilitate the cutting away and removal of clothes.

VARDA: I know. Who do you think writes this stuff? Alright then, smartypants, what about mental whump and unconsciousness then?

McKAY: I didn't think you liked those so much?

VARDA: Too right! (Yawn) Some of it's okay though. But that's for another time.

McKAY: (Sarcasm) Oh, but I was really enjoying that!

VARDA: Right. Anyway, gotta go. Get well soon, Rodney. Oh, and Sheppard, I think you'd better tell Carson I left one of those skewers in Rodney's stomach so that he crashes later in the story and dies. I don't feel like writing that, as I can't remember which end of the defibrillator paddle is which and my CPR training comes from Wikipedia…

McKAY: (Grimaces and trembles in fear)

SHEPPARD: (Shouts) Carson!

The End

A/N – This was posted on LJ only due to its strangeness, but, what the hell! I might as well share it with everyone (Thanks RiG and ed263 for the prod!) I'm curious as to whether anyone out there agrees with some of the things in this fic? (or is it just me...)