WAYS TO ANNOY THE X-MEN MOVIE CHARACTERS

Hi. This is my story of How to Annoy the X-Men Movie Characters. I go to the school and drive them mad in a different scenario every chapter. I hope you like it—it's my first Humor and X-Men Movie FanFic! Please R&R! Just give it a chance, okay?

Disclaimer: Wolverine wouldn't let me own him in fear of me making him into a whiner-baby. Wonder why.

Prologue

"You'll be safe here, I promise." Xavier assured me.

I smiled and nodded. "Thank you, Professor."

He wrote something down (probably sketching up a school record) and smiled politely, "What's your name again?" I knew that he could read my mind and look it up—or at least he thought he could—so I took it at as a sign of chivalry. "Vendetta." I replied. His lower lip started to tug into a frown, but he faced me calmly and asked, "Sounds rather evil, don't you think?"

"Don't worry." I said modestly. "I'm not evil." He nodded, and I could tell he was checking my mind just in case. Thank the power of Fanfiction that I could set up a wall of imaginary thoughts for him to read instead. He obviously found the thoughts acceptable and started to move forward with his wheelchair. In a low voice behind his back, I murmured, "At least I don't fraternize with the enemy."

He stopped his wheelchair just in time. "What?" He asked. "Excuse me?"

"Nothing, nothing." I replied, pretending to not notice the group of students gathering to listen in. "I'm just saying: Magneto probably knows all of our strategies because you try them out in chess." I raised my voice. "Admit it, Pro; you play chess with him every Thursday! And you have Bingo Nights on Saturdays!" Some of the students gasped.

Logan took his cigar out of his mouth and raised an eyebrow at the Professor. "What?" His voice lowered angrily. "You what?"

"It is nothing." Xavier said in stressed tone. "I don't have to explain myself to you."

I stepped in front of the two men. "Oh, but you do! We have to explain ourselves to you!" My eyes narrowed and I faked a worried look. "Don't you respect us equally?" Xavier's face was pained.

A few of the students were now murmuring loudly against him. "That is very rude to think." He scolded a certain student.

I sprang into the center again. "See! He even reads our minds without our permission! I thought you said it was rude!"

"Yeah!" Jean Grey called. "That's what he told me!" Loud murmurings were growing. Scott's arms were folded tightly, and Logan was angrily biting at his cigar.

Xavier glared lightly. "Show respect, Vendetta." He ordered.

"And now he's bossing me around!" I cried out. Bobby and Rogue gave Xavier a disgusted look and patted my shoulder in comfort. I pretended to cry.

Xavier gave a desperate look to his students. "I respect you all! You must know that. Vendetta, I'm not sure we can trust you to keep the peace."

"And now he's says I'm a troublemaker!" I sobbed, covering my grinning face with my hands. "And I haven't even been here that long!"

"Hmm." Logan commented but he added nothing else. Scott held Jean's hand silently and led her away.

Xavier gave me an annoyed look. "Behave yourself, Miss Vendetta." He warned me before rolling his wheelchair off.

I called after him, "Let me guess! Heading over to Magneto, huh?" His face reddened and he moved faster away.

I grinned as soon as all the students left. I was here on a mission: to humiliate/annoy/embarrass/aggravate the X-Men movie characters.

Chapter 1: Scott, Logan, and Jean

Scott slipped past the hallway door and started to move toward the kitchen. Quickly I sprang in front of him, faking a sympathetic look. Operation: Scott was in effect. "I'm really sorry." I told him, keeping pace with his stride.

"Sorry about what, Vendetta?" He asked, puzzled.

I widened my silver eyes. "You didn't hear? They should've told you…after all, what are they going to do when the baby shower comes 'round?"

Scott stopped and frowned. "Whose baby shower?"

I gave him an exasperated look. "You really don't know?"

"No."

"Jean's pregnant."

Scott slumped to the floor. I bent down and helped him up. "T-that's great!" He finally managed to stutter. "I didn't know…"

I pretended to wince. "But you don't know who the father is." I reminded him. His face turned chalk-white and scarlet at the same time.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Scott demanded.

I shrugged my shoulders exaggeratedly. "Oh, nothing." I assured him before purposely lowering my voice. "It's just…secretly, Jean's married."

"WHAT????"

"Yeah. To Logan." I replied.

ZZAAP! Hmm. I hope they don't need that cupboard anymore.

Scott's chest was heaving hard and his shoulders were tensed up. His mouth was split into a huge grimace and his optic blasts were set on 'high'. Ooh, this was going to be good!

"Yeah." I continued casually. "They got married about four years ago. But Jean lost track of him and thought he died, so she dated you." I was making this up as I went along, but Scott was eating it up word for word. Want some BBQ sauce over that lie of mine? I thought mischievously. "Anyway, when he came back…well, she was confused about what to do. So they decided not to get a divorce." I frowned. "Jean was supposed to tell you."

"Well." Scott muttered bitterly, trying to clear his throat. "She didn't."

"Oh." I continued, pretending to ignore the nasty twitch Scott had developed. "Well, anyway, you can guess who the father is now."

"There's no possibility that I'm…?" Scott finally asked with the tiny thread of hope he had left.

Figuratively, I grabbed a sharp pair of scissors and cut the thread up into tiny little pieces small enough for amoebas to play with. "Nope!" I said cheerfully.

Scott frowned. "Well, how do you know?"

I hadn't thought of that. "Um, because the child has claws?" I guessed.

"The baby's already BORN??!" Scott's voice could get real loud. He should try out for yodeling.

"No." I assured him. "They just did a scan thingy to see what the baby looked like."

"An ultrasound?" He guessed incuriously.

I nodded. "Yep…they're naming it Winifred."

"WINIFRED??"

"Yep." Scott seemed extremely annoyed, and with his optic blasts set on High, I decided to continue on with Logan's part. I made some excuse to leave, which wasn't necessary as Scott was too busy looking through Logan's things and blasting them up.

I found Wolverine drinking up a Coca-Cola in the living room, muttering something about a need for beer. A bold student suggested ending his drinking problem before racing out of the room. Logan looked over at me when a floorboard ever so slightly squeaked beneath my silver shoe. "Oh, hi. Vendetta, right?" He said, not sounding very interested.

I ignored this and sat down a foot away from him on the couch. "Did ya hear what happened?" I asked him.

"No." He took a long swig. "And I really don't care." I hid a frown. He'd be harder to trick than Scott was. But I'd give it a try.

"I feel really sorry for Rogue." I continued loudly. His eyes widened, and finally he put the soda down.

"What happened to Rogue?" He asked, playing along.

I sighed, shaking my head. "Scott should know better than picking on the students. But I guess the news made him mad, what with the baby's future to plan and all…"

"What baby?" Logan asked with narrowed eyes.

I gave him an 'It's so obvious!' look. "Scott got Jean pregnant." I explained. SPLASH! I hope that Coca-Cola doesn't stain furniture. And somebody's gonna need to pick up the broken Coke bottle, preferably somebody who doesn't get cut on glass.

"What??" He demanded as the broken glass fell out of his hands and the wounds healed. "She doesn't look pregnant!"

I sighed. "That's because she stays in shape, Wolvie."

"Don't call me that." He said distractedly. "I just can't believe it."

"Oh, you better believe it!" I purred before sighing dramatically. "I just wish Scott would control his anger better." Logan raised an eyebrow and looked at me through curious eyes.

"What'd he do?"

"He pushed Rogue down into the sand." I explained. "She couldn't breathe for a whole minute." Logan's adamantium claws threatened whip out. "What'd Bobby do?" He demanded angrily. I yawned. "He said it wasn't very nice, and Scott pushed his head into the sand too."

"That doesn't sound like Scott." Logan growled, barely able to control himself.

I grimaced. "Well, that's what he did. I would've spoken up, but he left before I could."

Logan's eyes flashed to me. "Were you the only one who saw it?" He demanded. I shook my head, giving him a Look.

"Please. Don't be so stupid, Wolvie." I waved, indicating a few classrooms. "Jubilee and Colossus saw it too."

Logan's breathing became loud and ragged. "I'll talk to them about it." He told me, eyeing me as if he expected me to admit I was lying.

"Okay." I replied, waiting. He strode off to Xavier's classroom where Jubilee was. I followed, curious to see what happened next. Of course I had to stay behind a corner, but I could hear it all clearly.

"Wheels! I need to talk to Jubilee here." Logan's voice sounded tense.

"Uh, very well. Go ahead, Jubilee." Xavier's voice sounded confused. I had been messing with his power lately. His telepathy wasn't as good as it could be.

The sound of heavy boots and high heels walking together alerted me that Logan and Jubilee were coming this way. Quickly I sprang behind a one foot-tall green plant, not really thinking about it. Fortunately they didn't pass the wall. Instead, they stood right in the hallway between Xavier's door and the room I was in, where I could see their shadows on the back wall.

"The new kid Vendetta told me about Scott being, er, mean to Bobby and Rogue. Did you see that?" His voice was gruffly embarrassed; he must've felt like a total idiot! I pulled my fist back slowly, whispering, "Yeessss!"

"Huh? Oh, um, yeah, yeah." Jubilee's shadow hand ran through her hair. "I, um, saw Scott force Rogue and Bobby into the sand and suffocated them for a whole three minutes." I winced.

"I thought it was only one minute."

"That's what I meant, Logan. One minute." Jubilee sounded nervous. Logan's shadow paced a bit in the hallway.

"Fine." He growled. "Thanks, Jubilee. Go back to class." Jubilee nodded and her shadow faded, the sound of her heels clacking growing quieter.

"Vendetta was right." Logan said to himself before thrusting his body out of the hallway and back into the living room across from the room I was in. I kept myself hidden behind the plant until he was gone and giggled loudly.

Suddenly I was aware of a student standing beside me.

"Uhh…?" The student managed to say. "What are you doing?"

I rose myself indignantly. "What?" I snapped. "You don't hide behind plants and giggle?"

"Um, no. No I don't." Flea looked very uncertain about me, and a little bit weirded out, but that was okay. He backed slowly away from me.

"Well you should." I huffed, folding my arms over my chest. "It's very fun. Just don't hide in poison oak." Flea looked really weirded out by now and left as fast as he could. I made a mental note to bug him as soon as my schedule was clear.

"Vendetta?" Jubilee's soft voice sounded fearful. I turned and saw her back where she and Logan had been talking, her head poking out of the hallway. I motioned for her to come and pulled myself out of the plant.

"Vendetta, I'm so sorry about the three minutes thing." She stammered. "I forgot the time span, and—"

"Shh." I soothed. "Relax. You did great."

Jubilee seemed comforted by this and her shoulders loosened. "I did okay?"

"Yes. You did fine."

"Um, do I still get paid?" She asked. I rolled my eyes and handed her a five-dollar bill. She snatched it up eagerly and held it to her face. "Thanks!" She said cheerfully as the school bell rang.

"You better go before Xavier looks for you." I pointed out.

Jubilee turned around to leave. "By the way, I was meaning to ask you." She said over her shoulder. "Xavier's mind-reading seems to be off today. Do you know anything about it?"

"No! Uh-huh! Absolutely not." I think I did a pretty good job of sounding careless.

Jubilee gave me a funny look similar to the one Flea gave me when I told him about hiding behind plants. "Okay then." She said before heading out. I straightened, watching all the students leave. Now I needed to find Scott and Logan again.

I found Scott first. He was slurping down a Coca-Cola like it was a heavy alcohol. "Hey, buddy." I said cheerfully.

He barely acknowledged me. "How could she?" He whispered.

"I don't know." I told him. "But Logan wants to see you. Maybe he wanted to talk about—"

"Where is that—" Scott started to say.

I held my ears. "Uh-uh! No cursing in front of the children!" He gave me a look that seemed to wonder why a girl my age wouldn't want to hear cussing but accepted this.

His brow furrowed and he forced out, "Where. Is. Logan?"

"Over with Jean on the couch." I said casually. "She left a little while ago to make, um, doilies for Winifred because she's behind schedule." I could tell he wasn't really listening to that part because he didn't ask why the baby needed doilies. Scott started to march over there, but I quickly raced after him. "Wait!" I cried. "The other couch!"

"What other couch?" Cyclops asked fiercely. I quickly pointed to the elevator.

"Over there!" I said, not really paying attention to where I was pointing. Scott made a face.

"In Cerebro?" He asked in shock.

I mentally scolded myself but continued making the innocent face and nodded. "Xavier put a couch in Cerebro!" I explained.

Scott still looked confused. "How'd Logan get in there?"

"He, uh, knocked on the door?" This seemed to satisfy Scott and he quickly headed over there. This was totally out of his way, which gave me some time to sneak to where Logan was walking past. "Logan!" I called.

He stopped and turned to me. He started to say something (probably do some kind of Wolverine-apology for doubting me) but I interrupted him. "Scott's saying he's going to beat you up!" I told him.

Logan made a face and his claws shot out. "In his dreams!" He snapped. "Why?"

"He said it was because, because…" I couldn't think of anything. "Because you're an idiot, he said, with stupid little kitty-cat claws and bad taste in clothing!" Logan looked like that made absolutely no sense, which it didn't, but nonetheless decided to fight him for revenge on what 'happened' to Rogue and Bobby and having Jean to himself.

"Where is he?"

"In front of Cerebro, talking smack about you to Jean and the Professor." Logan headed over there immediately. I whipped out my tiny blue-gray metal pocket watch key chain. I still had time. Quickly I ran down the stairs to the dorms, nearly knocking Storm over in the process.

I ran straight over to the closet and pulled out the wooden booth I'd made. A group of students were gathered around, tapping their feet impatiently. "Hold on!" I raged as I struggled to set it up. I grabbed a hat and stood behind the booth, my hands folded on the wooden board with my silvery claws/nails glistening in the light. "Tickets are now on sale!" I declared.

"Where's the fight going to be?" Bobby asked as he bought two tickets for Rogue and himself.

I pointed. "In Cerebro!" A few students gasped, causing me to hurriedly add, "Don't worry, the doors will be opened in five minutes!" This made them all rush to buy tickets.

Suddenly Colossus screamed out, "Teacher coming!" I threw a giant My Little Pony blanket I had grabbed from one of the older students over the booth and sprang in front of it, subtly handing tickets to those who had paid.

Xavier's wheelchair moved forward slowly. "What are you doing?" He asked skeptically. I shrugged. "Nothing. Just associating and getting to know each other." Randomly kids began talking to one another. Xavier studied me for a moment, and finally sighed. "Why is it that my telepathy has been off, Vendetta?" He asked me. I shrugged.

"Don't know. Maybe you drank one too many Slushies and have a brain freeze." I suggested. A few kids chirped in agreeably. Xavier gave us the bug-eyed look and just moved his wheelchair past us. I breathed a sigh of relief and waited until he was completely out of hearing. Then I whipped the blanket off the booth and cried out gleefully, "We also have foam-fingers, advertising Team Logan and Team Scott!"

"Yay!" The kids whooped happily. I smiled brightly and began taking the entrance-fee with pleasure. Before we knew it, it was time to run over to Cerebro. We all crammed ourselves in the emergency elevator for timing purposes.

I snuck over to the eye scanner on Cerebro and messed with the programming until the door opened silently. Xavier was in there staring at the fluffy green couch I'd put in there, wondering aloud, "When did we put this in?"

Subtly we all moved towards the walls and edges of Cerebro. I marched straight over to Xavier and waved, plopping myself down on the couch. "Hi, Charles!" I greeted.

His face made a pained expression that he didn't bother hiding. "Hi, Vendetta." He sighed. "What are you doing in here?"

"Same as you."

"You're trying to find out why your powers are not working?" He asked.

I scratched my head, careful not to slice off some of my dark brown hair with my three-inch long nails in the process. "Uh, yep."

Xavier narrowed his eyes. "You are not." He growled to me.

I shrugged wildly, thinking of something to say, when a student cried out, "Here they come!"

"You honestly thought you could fight me!" Logan's angry voice hollered out. The kids squirmed around in anticipation. Xavier gave me this look like I was secretly with the Brotherhood plotting to drive them all insane. Heh, heh, he was half right…

"How's Jean, huh, Logan?" Scott snapped back.

"Pregnant, from what I hear!" Logan shot back. They were now in the front of Cerebro, where Xavier usually is at, facing each other with angry eyes. Cyclops' visor was set on High Optic Blast yet again, and Wolverine's claws were fully extended. A few kids were cheering out, "Fight! Fight, fight!" but they didn't seem to notice.

"And whose fault is that?" Scott yelled to Logan, firing a blast at Logan's leg.

Logan leaped out of its range and charged Scott, slicing at his chest but Scott ducked this. "Yours!!!" Logan screamed in response as Scott fired again.

Xavier began moving his wheelchair forward to end the fight, but I quickly wrapped a handkerchief around his mouth and dragged him back to the couch. He said something in a garbled tone but I couldn't understand him. "What was that?" I asked politely but he didn't seem to want to answer with words. His glare said it all, but I don't speak Angryeyeinese.

"How is it my fault?" Scott demanded as he spun away from Logan's claws. Wolverine managed to slice his shirt once, and Scott managed to blast Logan's shoulder, which of course healed.

The fight was getting pretty tense when Jean walked in. "Professor!" She cried. I wonder why she yelled out for him. I mean, so what if he was tied to his wheelchair with a handkerchief over his mouth? How bad is that?

Then she caught sight of Logan and Scott's fight. "Scott! Logan!" She cried loudly, racing towards them. I had to think quickly.

I sprang in front of her in a heartbeat, twisted her around to face the students with her back to the sparring Romeos. "She's here, everyone! The soon-to-be mother!" I cheered out. All the students caught on and began wildly congratulating her. As I didn't fill them in on this part of my plan, they all truly thought she was pregnant.

Jean's face was freaked out. "I'm not pregnant!" She yelped, but wasn't heard over the cheers of the students, Xavier's smothered yells, and Cyclops' battle cry mixed with Wolverine's angry roar.

I patted her shoulder. "I know this is a shocker, but it'll be okay." I soothed her. "We have doilies for Winifred."

"WINIFRED??" Everyone exclaimed.

Rogue cleared her throat. "Um, lovely name." She lied.

Jean's left eye was twitching and she faced me. "Vendetta, I'm not pregnant!" I cupped a hand to my ear, telling her I couldn't hear her, so she yelled out as she continued, "I'm not!" Everyone got quiet soon after that, but she had already been yelling out, "Who's the father??" So that everyone heard.

Jean realized this and her cheeks reddened. Cyclops faced Wolverine and blasted at his head, missed, and got sliced by Wolvie's claws. "Hah!" He snarled before kicking Cyclops in the stomach.

Jean was horrified. "Logan!" She managed to scold. "Scott, are you okay?" She asked him worriedly.

"Fine." Cyclops said through his pain. "Not like you'd care how I feel."

"What?" Jean Grey asked, startled. I realized now that I needed to say something or else the truth would be exposed in front of all of the students.

"Let's have the baby shower NOW!!" I yelled out, pumping my fist in the air. The students followed suit and dragged a protesting Jean off to have the nonexistent baby's shower. Xavier gave me a glare again and managed to untie his hands and then the handkerchief.

"Vendetta…" He began vehemently.

"Bye Charles!" I called out. I rushed past Logan and Scott, and said loudly, "Winifred is going to be such a cute kid! He'll look a lot like his father!" This of course caused the two of them to get into a fight inside of Cerebro again, but that was perfectly all right with me. Xavier followed me angrily.

"Vendetta, I want—" He began. I interrupted him by covering his mouth with the handkerchief.

"Shh." I said. "Don't worry: I'll take you to the baby shower." Xavier's face told me that that would aggravate him, but that was what I was striving for anyway.

"Here: we'll go extra fast!" I flipped a switch on the back of his wheelchair that sent him rocketing out of Cerebro and into the Hallway of Unknown, probably to end up running over the students or something. It didn't really matter.

I walked over to the sprawling boys, who were now sprawled on the floor of Cerebro, wincing and moaning in pain, and told them sweetly, "Beast and Jean make a cute couple, huh?"

"Beast?" Logan slurred out.

I nodded and made a baffled face. "I did tell you it was Beast who was secretly married to Jean, right? Or was I wrong?" Scott's twitch came back, and Logan tried to slice at me with his claws, but he was badly wounded, still waiting to heal, so he only feebly raised his claws before his hand fell back onto his chest. I waved kindly and skipped off with the perkiness of a schoolgirl. That's what I was—I was in Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters, and I was gifted.

I was gifted with the art of driving everyone around me insane.

Review with Cinnamon Sugar on top! :P --Vendetta