He Used to Love Me
By: Walk by Moonlight
Disclaimer: Not mine
Warning: Contains incest
He used to love me, you know. He promised we'd be together always and I was his and he was mine. That never happened.
He held me on our wedding night, kissed me, and broke through me. He implanted his seed and I soon bore him a child. Our siblings didn't care. They were happy for us.
Regan was perfect. She had blonde hair and brown eyes. She would crawl in our bed some nights and we would hold her. He loved her, still does; even if he denies she ever existed. She was my little girl and I can't forget her. Her image burns in my mind when I sleep. I can almost reach out and touch her, hold her, but I always wake up before.
I reach out for him when that happens, seeking comfort from the man who promised to always love me. I always cry when I realize no one's there and no one ever will be. I can't replace him in my heart, my bed, anymore then I could replace her.
Lucy doesn't talk to me anymore, neither does Edmund. I scare them. I'm a skeleton, I know, a shadow of my former self. I'm the one who denies Narnia. Only outwardly. Aslan knows I want to go back. Back to my daughter, back to my husband.
When we were thrust back into this world, I thought he would still love me. I thought he would find a way. He didn't.
I got the invitation today, only out of obligation. He's marrying someone. Some girl whose family is perfect, rich, who's blonde with blue eyes, who will bear him children that'll replace her, who isn't his sister.
I told my mother one day, couldn't hold it in. She sent me away. I haven't seen her in 10 years, any of them really. I found a small cottage on the outskirts of a small sea-faring town in Wales and watch from a long distance.
I waited for this day, when he would truly stop being mine and I've begged Aslan many times, too many, to stop it, to never let it happen, to let them return, but my pleas go unanswered.
They said I stopped believing but I didn't I never did. Aslan turned his back on me, I didn't stop believing, he did.
I sit here at the small table with four chairs that'll never be occupied by anyone other then me and stare at the small black and white invitation with his name, her name, and their picture. I run my fingertips over his face, his body, his heart, things that used to belong to me.
He's hers now and my heart shatters into a million pieces. I finally cry. Cry for what I lost, for him, for Regan, for Lucy and Edmund, for Narnia, but mostly for forgiveness for whatever I did to deserve this. I must have done something wicked because I'm living through hell.
I quickly pack my belongings. I go to the Professor's house. He's still around. He opens the door and brings me in. He knows what's happened. He also knows why I'm here. There's nothing he can do. I know that, he knows that, but I still come.
We talk for a while and then he goes to bed. I drop my things in the room I used to share with Lucy and I follow the maze of stairs and hallways to the room that started it all. I go in and bolt the door.
I open the wardrobe and step in. I move to the back wall and kneel in repentance. I touch the wall as if it were the holy grail. The solid wood makes me cry and I curl up in a ball and sob.
I can never go back.
He used to love me, he doesn't any more.