What I Do
Life. It's a funny game. You're born; and the next thing you know, you're on your deathbed, begging for forgiven from your ex-wife for that affair, or however else you screwed your life up. It's just the luck of the draw, I guess, how big the gap is in between.
Death is another deal altogether. Once you're there, it's a one-way ticket. Life is something that can never be given back. I know this, of course. I've had to keep it in the back of my mind all my life. I've even gambled my own life more than once,always knowing if I messed up; put one foot out of line, I'd be gone, just like that.
Of course, nobody knows what happens when you die. You could return to the planet; the Lifestream, like everybody says, or you could fall for eternity through a never-ending pit of blackness. If I could, I'd ask one of the many people I've seen die at my feet, but I can't. After they draw that one last breath, it's over.
And I know too many people have died because of me, I don't need anyone else to tell me that. The people that have to deal with me are the unlucky ones. Many people, including those closest to me, think I have no regret over ruining, or taking, people's lives like I do, but I do regret it; every single time. I tell myself, this has gotta stop, but no, that blessed day when my thoughts become reality has never come, and probably never will.
Most people find it hard to tell the difference between regret and fear. These people that murder, usually a spur of the moment thing, then go mad, or even kill themselves because they "can't live with the guilt any more." That's not regret, that's fear. Fear of what's going to happen; are they gonna get caught and live the rest of their lives behind bars? Or maybe it will haunt them in other ways; your life becomes a secret and a lie and eventually, you drift further and further away from your loved ones, until you're lost. Going around in circles again and again, with no way out...
That's what fear does to you; messes with your head.
As a Turk of course, my mind doesn't allow these things to happen. We're trained to deal with what would other -wise be crippling emotional strain. Basically fear. All fear does for us is hold us back from what we really need to do. But the regret is still there. Although it's right at the back of my mind, it's still there.
Of course, that's just me. I don't know what the others think. But I still remember Elena's face that day, when she saw someone being killed for the frst time. It was me that did it, just shot the guy down right in front if her. It was just an every day thing for me; A Turk's gotta do what a Turk's gotta do. But I remember the distinct look of horror etched on her face, the tear in her eye, at the sight of a man's life ending right in front of her. Maybe she still feels that way now. Maybe she's just learned to hide it. I don't know...
So people can say whatever they want...'heartless murderer' is a common one, but I know it's not true. I may be a murderer, there's no point in denying that, but I'm not heartless. I still feel just like anyone else. Turks training doesn't numb your senses, it helps hide your emotions. People don't understand that without us, the planet would fall to pieces. The healthy balance of life and death would be destroyed.
So we're here to stay, whether people like it or not. I don't care, that's what I do...