Remus gazed out of the window at the waxing moon. He sighed. It would be full moon tomorrow.
He turned and looked at his friends They were absorbed in some ancient and dusty book, undoubtedly planning a new rule breaking incident, involving, by the look of it, some extremely advanced magic.
How long would it be, he wondered, before they worked it out. How long before they realised?
*
What am I going to tell them this time?
Remus wondered, sitting in an armchair by the fire. Dinner had just finished and most of the Gryffindors were spending the half hour before last lesson in the common room. He held an open book in his hands, but he was preoccupied and did not even glance at its pages.He looked over at his friends who were sitting on the floor by the fire. They were evidently looking forward to whatever they were planning for tonight, and he grinned at their happy expressions. Sirius and James looked up and both grinned back. Then James stood up, the huge tome Remus had seen him studying the night before in his hand, and came over.
"Hey, are you OK?"
He frowned slightly.
"You've been….well, not yourself."
Remus tried to smile, but couldn't, not quite. He hated himself for not telling James, for not telling any of his friends. But their friendship meant so much to him. He knew he would inevitably lose it, but he wanted to hold on while he could.
"Yeah," he replied and he could hear exhaustion in his voice that he hoped James had not noticed.
James looked entirely unconvinced, but pursued it no further.
"What have you lot got planned for tonight?" Remus asked. Usually, he too would be anticipating their next feat of general greatness.
"Oh, look, it's in here, you'll never guess, it's the best thing we've EVER thought of!" said James, his face happy once more. He opened the book and Remus stared down at the pages as his friend talked but his mind was already elsewhere.
*
Remus had defence against the dark arts last lesson. It was his favourite subject and usually he would have been interested but now he stared vaguely into space, worrying, as he had been all day, about tonight. He was dreading the pain. What if he hurt somebody? And what if someone finally realised what he really was?
Sirius, who was sitting next to him, shoved him gently, interrupting his troubled thoughts.
"Are you…Lupin what is it? You look terrible!"
"Well, that's nice!" Remus replied in mock indignation.
"Sorry," said Sirius, smiling, but he still looked concerned.
"No, seriously, is anything wrong? You're not….ill or something?"
"No, I'm not ill."
It wasn't a lie, he told himself. As if it would make him feel any less dishonest.
"Well, are you sure everything's alright? I mean, you were, well, completely out of it."
"Yeah. Everything's….great."
Liar
"Cool. Are you on for tonight? James told you what we're doing yeah?"
What was he going to do now? What could he tell him that he hadn't told everyone time and time again?
"Er, well, actually…."
"Oh it's so cool, it's going to be great! Best idea ever! I mean, it was all James idea, actually…"
"No! No, I can't, er…."
What was it he was supposed to be doing anyway?
Sirius's face fell.
"What? Oh, what? Why?"
"Er…I, it's….my mum. It's my mum, she's, she's ill, and I'm going home to see her, and er, help with some stuff at home."
"Oh no, that's terrible. Why didn't you tell us? When did you find out? Well, that explains why you've been so unhappy…"
"Yeah, I got an owl this morning. I'll be leaving at about…well, as soon as it….as I can get all my things…ready."
He'd almost said as soon as it gets dark.
They're going to work it out soon,
he warned himself. Should he wait? Should he hope they wouldn't realise? Or should he be honest? Should he tell them? Should he lose them?Sirius looked like he was pondering something.
"Wasn't your mum ill a while ago?" he asked.
"She, er…well, yeah…."
"About a month ago, wasn't it?"
"Black, Lupin!" Their teacher had finally noticed they weren't working. "Shut up and get on with your work!"
*
The sky was getting darker. The grounds looked unwelcoming and cold. Remus turned from the window and hurriedly began to throw his shabby robes and other belongings into a trunk. He didn't have much time.
He had just stuffed the trunk under his bed when the door opened and Sirius came in.
"Do you need any help, with packing or anything?"
"No, no, I'm alright."
He glanced quickly out of the window.
Go, go. Please, just go! There's not enough time!
"Sirius, please, I'm fine. I'd better go."
He pushed gently past Sirius and left, hurrying down and through the common room, and running through the corridors to the entrance hall and out into the night.
Sirius stood in the dormitory. Something was wrong. Something, he was sure, was really wrong.
He sat down on his bed. Suddenly he noticed something – the corner of a trunk was sticking out from under Remus's bed.
He hadn't taken anything with him.
*
Remus shivered as he crossed the grounds. His patched robes did nothing against the cold wind.
He looked back at the castle. It's many windows were filled with welcoming light. How he wished he could be in there, looking out at the night through one of those windows.
He turned away and glances at the ever darkening sky. He started to run.
There was no time.
In one of the castle windows someone was looking out at the night. James Potter watched as the solitary figure hurried across the grounds.
*
James and Sirius sat by the lake. It was past midnight and no lights shone now from the castle windows. The only light was that of the moon and stars, and their reflections in the lake.
"I'm really worried about Remus," Sirius said. "He hasn't been himself, and he looks really ill."
"I know," James replied. "And it's not the first time. He looks tired most of the time, doesn't he? And every once in a while he gets really depressed."
"Yeah, and where does he keep going? He said earlier that his mum's ill and was going to see her, but he didn't take any stuff with him when he left."
"I saw him earlier, just walking across the grounds, all on his own. He was just walking, and then he looked at the castle and started running. I don't know where he went but he didn't go home. And what about last time he left, must have been about a month ago. When he said….he said his mum was ill then too didn't he? That's not true. Oh, I don't know what to do. What can we do?"
"I don't know either."
Sirius lay back on the grass and stared up at the full moon, while James stared pensively into the lake at it's argent reflection.
Suddenly Sirius sat up, and James clapped his hand to his forehead.
"James," Sirius said hoarsely. "It's the…
"…full moon!"
"A month ago…he went home…and all those times….why didn't we realise? He must be…"
"But he can't be…."
"He's got to be! Sirius, he's a…"
"Oh no, I really hope you're wrong. James…"
"I'm not wrong! He's a werewolf!"
*
"Why didn't he tell us? I don't understand!" James paced up and down the boys' dormitory. Lily and Sirius were sitting on the beds.
"Well," said Sirius, "he must have thought….he probably thought we would, you know, hate him or something…"
"What? How could he think that?"
"James, don't be stupid. He's a werewolf!"
"Are you sure though?" said Lily quietly. "Is there no way you could be wrong?"
"We could be, Lily, but…."
"Oh poor Remus! Having such a terrible secret!"
"Well, he'll be back tomorrow, if we're right. Should we….tell him we know?"
"Yes. Yeah, we have to tell him that, well, that it's OK and that we're his friends. You know, whatever."
*
Remus walked across the ground toward the castle. No-one would be about for hours yet, except a few house elves. It was freezing, and his breath rose in steam before him. He was exhausted from the terrible pain, and all he wanted was to sleep. Perhaps he would.
He walked the empty corridors to Gryffindor Tower where he gave the fat lady the password (legend) and entered. A house elf was making up the fire, and looked up, wary as he entered, but the house elves were used to him being around at odd hours and most of them knew him.
"Master Lupin, sir, please excuse Sammy, he is almost done here."
"Oh, no er…Sammy, it's alright. Stay as long as you like."
Remus sighed, and sat down heavily in the chair nearest to the warm fire, yawning.
"You don't mind if I sit do you?" he asked the house elf vaguely, but was not awake to hear his answer.
*
He was woken from his tormented dreams when he was shaken gently.
"Remus," someone was saying. "Remus, wake up. Damn you wake up!"
He opened his eyes. It was James shaking him, and he saw Sirius and Lily standing by the fire. By the look of the sky outside, it was still really early.
"What? Huh, what….."
"Remus, we're all really worried about you."
"You are? Why?"
Don't care about me. You don't know what I am.
"If there's anything we can do…we're your friends."
How could he let them do this? How could he let them be his friends?
"You don't have to…."
"Remus, we…thought, yesterday, er…"
"Stop! Please, please, I've got to tell you something. I….."
He could hardly make himself say it.
Say it you coward. Say it!
"I'm….I'm a werewolf."
He closed his eyes. This was it. It was over.
*
"You are? We thought so!"
What?
What was happening? This wasn't exactly what he'd expected."How did you…. I mean…..why aren't you…"
"You thought we'd hate you didn't you," said Sirius shrewdly. "That's why you didn't tell us."
"Yes! I mean, everyone else, I used to…I never had… I never had any friends before."
Hang on
…"What, you mean…you don't…you don't mind?"
"Don't be stupid!" James almost shouted. "Of course we don't mind! Lupin, we're your friends. Whatever. It doesn't matter what you are!"
He really seemed quite upset.
"I can't understand how you could think it would matter to us," he added, quieter.
"I'm sorry. I should have….but I couldn't…..I can't believe you really don't mind!"
Looking at the faces of his friends, serious and honest, frank, he could not remember having been this happy. Perhaps he hadn't. He looked down at his hands, ashamed to admit there were tears in his eyes.
Sirius spoke suddenly, breaking the silence.
"Hey, James…I've had…
"..an idea!"
James and Sirius headed towards the dormitory, talking fast and excitedly. Lily, obviously curious, smiled at Remus and then followed James and Sirius.
Remus wondered vaguely what they were planning now. But he didn't really care. He couldn't believe that they were still his friends.
I suppose I should have known they wouldn't care
…He wanted to jump up and down, he wanted to scream and yell and sing and dance. But he was so tired. He closed his eyes and as the sun came up he drifted into dreamless sleep, into blissful unconsciousness.