Did this on pen and paper while vacationing in the Berkshires. Oh, this ties in to Cormag Ravenstaff's Port and Schnee trollfics, so if you like what you see, go check out his stuff as well.
Writing tunes: Hardware Store by Weird Al… on loop.
The snow was coming down quite heavily. It was quite late in the season, so Taiyang could not believe his eyes. Perhaps is was Peter Port and Jacques Schnee's duel that caused the climate change. Those 'stache masters were very lucky that Tai was absent; if he were there he would have been forced to show them the power of the almighty five o'clock shadow. Ozpin's auto-rez powers had enabled him to take a new body and summon relics that resurrected everyone killed in the 'stache battle. Ruby and Yang were the first two to materialize, and were immediately smitten with Big Daddy Schnee, jumping and dry-humping him like no tomorrow. Schnee, tired of dealing with people and worn out from his fight, promptly warped away. Tai noticed that Ruby and Yang were still in a state of extreme arousal and were likely to fuck anything that moved, so he had to act in order to protect their virginity.
The stupid bullies were first.
"Help us, Jaune-senpai!" Cardin squealed like a little baby and he and his crew faced off against Tai. The blond-haired man did not wait for their senpai and summoned tentacles from his beard to throttle the throats of his first victims. When Jaune noticed this he charged in with his sword, but Tai delivered a flying whirlwind kick that knocked the boy's head straight off his face and onto the ground before Ren's feet. The black-haired student then rushed Tai, but despite his great speed and technical prowess, he was no match and shared Jaune's fate. Oobleck then appeared with his #coffeebat.
"Beware the power of coffee and COCAINUM!" At the speed of light, Oobleck blitzed Tai, but despite making contact, dealt no damage.
"OH YEAH!" Tai shouted; the sheer force of his voice was enough to tear Oobleck to shreds. The rest of the male students wet themselves as Tai crushed them one-by-one. After all the students were dead, Ozpin appeared with his green magic. He launched his most powerful spells at Taiyang and managed to block all of Tai's beard-hair-tentacles with his cane. He then assumed the form of his original self, massive beard and all. This allowed him to damage Taiyang, albeit not enough to win. The blonde-haired man then activated his semblance: he grew his shadow into a beard twice as large as Ozpin's, then proceeded to suffocate the ancient wizard with it.
After dealing with all the little people too unimportant to be given screentime, Taiyang found himself face-to-face with Port and Schnee, who seemed to have teamed up.
"What do you think you're doing, Tai?"
"Do you really think the powers of your tiny little shadow could do anything to the 'stache masters?"
"Oh yes. It's time for the battle to end all battles: moustache vs five o'clock shadow," Taiyang laughed and charged. Schnee charged in to match him while Port shot fireballs from his 'stache. Both of their efforts were in vain as the almighty power of Tai's shadow overwhelmed their attacks. The blonde trucked through Schnee, sending him flying into a wall, then sent his beard-hair-tentacles after Port, who obliterated them with the power of his voice.
"That all you got?" Port laughed.
"Oh, I'm just getting started you red-clad fatso!" Taiyang countered. This was enough to trigger Port's semblance. His beard darkened, expanded and circled into a massive portal, from which emerged a gargantuan fist. The first flew at Tai, who managed to block it at the cost of his left arm, which flew off. Fortunately, he had master-level beard magic that enabled him to regenerate his severed limb, then charged at Port. To his chagrin, Schnee had recovered and trucked him into the far wall.
"Revenge is a BITCH, ain't it, boy?!"
"Oh, you have no idea old man!" Tai laughed and re-activated his semblance, "behold: my ultimate technique!"
"Whatchoo got, asshole?" Schnee laughed, but ate his words as Tai's beard shot out toward him, strangled him, and threw him around the room, eventually tossing him out the window, sending him out over the horizon, hopefully into space never to be seen again.
"Just you and me, Port!" Tai cracked his knuckles.
"Hah, I didn't need that buffoon anyway!" The two clashed once again. Port shot out a dozen fists from his 'stache portal, all of which Tai dodged. The shadow master then tried strangling the 'stache master, but Port's fatness was too much for Tai's beard-hair-tentacles to handle and only served to exhaust the blonde. Due to this failure, Port was able to score three separate hits on Tai.
"Come on Tai, what about all that big shit you were talking about a few moments ago?"
"I… will… not… let you win… no-one… will take… my daughters' virginity…" Tai panted as he slowly rose to his feet.
"Oh, so that's what's driving you? Well then, Imma raep Ruby's whole team GHEB style. There's going to be so much super sex goin' on they'll all be in wheelchairs for the next fuckin' year!" Port taunted.
"How… dare… you… I'LL KILL YOU!" Tai shouted and activated Rage Mode, which enabled him to power through Port's mega fists and knock his head right off his body, finishing him once and for all.
"Well, now that that's over with, I'm going home," the blonde laughed, but was immediately surrounded by twenty naked women.
"Oh, Tai, take us now. Your five o'clock shadow is so HAWT!"
"Oh fuck yeah! Let's do this biatches!"
An hour later, after Tai satisfied all of the women who accosted him, the blonde arrived home, only to his daughters, having a big fat orgy with their teammates. All of this was simply too much for Tai to take in, and he literally exploded, taking the entire universe with him.
The end. Goodbye. Forever. Or not. Depends. On things. Whatever. See you.
Hardcore Fire Emblem fans will know what Port's semblance is a reference to. If you can guess it in a PM…
(A PM, NOT A COMMENT, CORMAG) (A PM, NOT A COMMENT, CORMAG)
(A PM, NOT A COMMENT, CORMAG)
(A PM, NOT A COMMENT, CORMAG)
(A PM, NOT A COMMENT, CORMAG)
(A PM, NOT A COMMENT, CORMAG)
(A PM, NOT A COMMENT, CORMAG)
…I will write you a one-shot of your choice.
For those of you wondering what that was about, Cormag Ravenstaff always leaves responses to my challenges in the comments against my explicit requests, so I'm trying to make it more obvious so he doesn't spoil it for anyone else if he gets it right.
REMEMBER: if you leave your response in a comment, it will not count and if it is correct it will end the challenge for everyone else.