PART 2!!!
HYDE:
Okay, we're back. We have enough film to remake the four-hour "Les Miserables" movie five times. Hope Warner Brothers doesn't mind me taking a few
rolls of film. *pulls back curtain to reveal hundreds of boxes of film. He takes a roll of film out of one of the boxes* Casablanca? Who needs this crap
when you have me? We're taping over this one next. And now for the opening number. It's a special duet with my favorite lady, Lucy Harris. We did find
her. * Lucy appears on the screen. Hyde begins to drool*
LUCY:
I really don't know how I got talked into this, and Hyde, STAY OVER THERE. You remember the restraining order, right?
HYDE:
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Now come sit on Uncle Hydie's lap.
LUCY:
Umm,* Jekyll peeks out from behind the curtain and gives her a thumbs up* oh…alright. But keep your dirty paws to yourself you animal.
HYDE:
Arr-rr-rr-rr-rr-rr-rr, feisty!
LUCY:
Jekyll! I thought you said he changed! *Jekyll disappears behind the curtain* Lets just get this over with.
Jolly 'oliday (Mary Poppins)
LUCY:
Ain't it a 'orrible night?
God, Hyde's lookin' a fright!
I feel like I could die!
HYDE:
I thought this was supposed to be a song on how she liked me!
LUCY:
FINE!
'Ave you ever seen his purple coat?
Or him slit a throat? *gives Hyde evil glare*
Oh, it's a jolly 'oliday with Ed Hyde.
Ed Hyde can make you ignite!
I would die before I'd become his bride!
HYDE:
Hey!
LUCY:
Eddie makes the fire burn bright!
Oh, 'e smells of gin and whiskey and of rum!
The bartenders are frightened at the pub
For when Eddie comes around
The voices sound "Oh no Eddies makin' 'is daily round!"
Oh, it's a jolly 'oliday with Eddie!
No wonder that it's Eddie that we hate!
HYDE:
My turn! My turn!
Now then what'd be nice
A simple word of advice
On how to get a chick
JEKKIES: (dressed as penguins)
Our advice would be
To kiss Lucy.
LUCY:
Please don't make me sick!
HYDE:
Oh its a jolly 'oliday with Lucy.
Chickiboos like you are few.
Even though with me you may not a agree
You and me could go "WooHoo"
LUCY:
What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
HYDE:
I always think of taking the advantage
Especially when Lucy is so near!
A lady needn't fear when I am here
LUCY:
Your cruel brutality is crystal clear
Oh, its a jolly 'oliday with you, Hyde.
No wonder that it's you that we hate!
HYDE:
Wasn't that completely marvelous Miss Lucy.
LUCY:
Okay, enough of this. I'm outta 'ere.
HYDE:
*makes phone gesture* Call me!
LUCY:
*sarcastically* Yeah. Okay.
HYDE:
I think she likes me. Now, another song by…
JEKYLL:
You promised Emma could have a song!
HYDE:
WHAT!!
JEKYLL:
Yeah, the other night I asked and you said yes!
HYDE:
God, the things I say when I'm drunk. Fine, fine. Emma can sing her song.
EMMA:
Oh thank you!
Kiss The Hyde (Kiss The Girl-Little Mermaid)
EMMA:
There I see him
Standin' there across the lab
He don't got a lot to say
But there's something about him
And I don't know why
But I'm dyin' to try
I wanna kiss the Hyde
JEKYLL:
*off screen* WHAT!
HYDE:
*restraining him* Let the girl finish!
EMMA:
Yes I want him
Lookin' at him I know I do
Possible he wants me too
There's one way to ask him
It don't take a word
Not a single word
Go on and kiss the Hyde
Sha la la la la la
My oh Hyde
Look like I'm much to shy
Not gonna kiss the Hyde
Sha la la la la la
It is sad; it is a shame too bad
I'm gonna miss my Hyde.
*during instrumental Emma grabs Hyde from backstage. She has also brought out a chair. She sets Hyde on the chair and sits on his lap*
Now's my moment
Sittin' here upon his lap
Boy, I'd better do it soon
No time will be better
He won't say a word
Not a single word
While I kiss my Hyde *Hyde gives an evil, mischievous grin*
Sha la la la la la
I'm quite scared
But I've got the mood prepared
Gotta kiss the Hyde
Sha la la la la la
Can't stop now
Can't try to hide it now
I wanna kiss the Hyde *Emma starts looking a little unsure of herself*
Sha la la la la la
I could be wrong
But listen to the song
The song say kiss the Hyde
Sha la la la la la
I'm thinking no way
But the music say
I gotta kiss the Hyde
I've gotta kiss the Hyde *Hyde leans in closer to Emma with each kiss the Hyde line*
I wanna kiss the Hyde
JEKYLL:
*peeking out from curtains* Emma don't kiss the Hyde
EMMA:
Go on and kiss the Hyde
*Emma and Hyde are about to kiss when Emma pulls away*
Maybe not. *Emma starts to get up but Hyde pulls her down*
HYDE:
Oh no you don't! *Hyde forces a long passionate kiss on to Emma*
JEKYLL:
Hey! *grabs Hyde's cane which he dropped and runs over to Hyde* Stop it! *taps Hyde on the shoulder with the cane* Stop it now! Why isn't this cane
working? Hyde beats people up with it all the time.
HYDE:
*pulls away from the kiss* Damn it Jekyll, you're not gonna get anywhere by tapping me! *Jekyll picks up Emma and carries her off stage* Well, anyway, on to
the next song. This piece is about one of my favorite things, my hair!
I Love My Hair (Be Prepared-The Lion King)
HYDE:
I know that your hair isn't pretty
At least it's not as pretty as mine
So here's the main point of my ditty:
My hair is so perfectly fine
It's clear from your vacant expressions
You don't get the point of my song
You know my successful profession
So, listen up or I'll do you wrong
So prepare for my hair it's a beauty
Be prepared for sensational news
My hair in its fashion, will be a new passion
JEKKIES:
Can we have it to?
HYDE:
Shut up, I'm not through!
I know it sounds sordid-
JEKKIE #1:
Wait! What does sordid mean?
HYDE:
What?
JEKKIE #1:
Sordid. You said it sounds sordid. What does sordid mean?
HYDE:
Dirty. As in, my hands will be sordid...with your blood!!!!!
JEKKIE #1:
*trembling* Uh....okay. On with the song!
HYDE:
I know it sounds SORDID
but you'll be rewarded-
JEKKIE #2:
Hold up, what will we be rewarded with?
HYDE:
*growls* With a dog treat. *points cane at Jekkie #2* Why?
JEKKIE #2:
*timidly* Just.... wondering. Continue.
HYDE:
I know it sounds sordid
But you'll be rewarded
When at last you get the point of my song
And so please do listen with care
I LOVE MY HAIR
JEKKIE #3:
Yeah, he loves his hair! *heh heh*
WE'LL love his hair....Why?
HYDE:
Unless you want to die!
JEKKIE #3:
Why, am I sick?
HYDE:
*pulls out his knife* No fool, I'm gonna kill you! And the rest of you too!
JEKKIE #1:
Hey big deal, who needs a life?!
JEKKIES #1 & #3:
No life! No life! La la la la la la!!!
HYDE:
Idiots! There will be some life!
JEKKIE #3:
Hey, but you said-
HYDE:
I will feel alive! Love my hair, and you will never die again!
JEKKIE #1:
Did that make no sense to anyone else?
JEKKIE #3:
Does this song even make sense?
HYDE:
SHUT UP!!
JEKKIE #1:
Um...yay!!!!!
JEKKIE #3:
Yeah, alright!!
JEKKIE #2:
All right! *waves arms* We love Hyde's hair!!
JEKKIES:
We love Hyde's hair!!
Its great that Hyde's hair is amazing
With a bit of hair spray and gel
HYDE:
Of course my hair is blazing
No, not like that bishop in hell
I mean its so radiant and charming
And not a tiny bit less
Although this may sound alarming
My hair is really quite a mess
I tell you right now the chicks dig it
That's why they come 'round night and day
A bunch of sweet whores
Come knock on my doors
To do something dirty
It takes about thirty.... Wait, I meant
They're all really flirty...Oh, that doesn't sound good either.
I'll do the one named Birdie...That sounds even worse.
They're really quite nerdy...No, that makes me sound stupid.
The bed must be sturdy...Uh, that sounds...bad. Oh, I give up.
My hair will be styled, incredibly wild,
And seen for the wonder it is
Yes, my comb and styling gel are bared!
I LOVE MY HAIR!
JEKKIES:
Yes, his comb and styling gel are bared!
HE LOVES HIS HAIR!
HYDE & JEKKIES:
*insane giggles*
HYDE:
Now wasn't that just a showstopper? *Jekkies start walking off stage* Where the hell do you think you're all going? You have the next freakin' song!!
The Hyde Necessities (The Bare Necessities-The Jungle Book)
JEKKIES:
Look for the Hyde necessities
The simple Hyde necessities
I'd worry 'bout your jewelry and your wife
I mean the Hyde necessities
Or HJ7 recipes
That bring the Hyde necessities to life
Wherever he wanders
Wherever he roams
He always sends people
To funeral homes
Hyde is comin' from the lab
We all wonder who he's gonna stab
The Hyde necessities of life will come to you!
HYDE:
All right, now you can all get your asses off stage. My song now!! But first-
CENSORS:
Hold it!
CENSOR #1:
Hello! We're your friendly neighborhood censors!
CENSOR #2:
After requests from several parents, we're here to censor this show.
HYDE:
Oh, he**!
CENSOR #1:
Ah! Ah! Watch the language!
HYDE:
Get off of my show!! *the censors climb into their booth that is heavily armed with barbed wire*
CENSOR #2:
They'll be no getting us in here! Now, feel free to go on with the show.
CENSOR #1:
Now when you see the red blinking light up there, stop what you're singing, because you're being censored out.
Under Lucy (Under the Sea-The Little Mermaid)
HYDE:
Under Lucy
Under Lucy
Darling, its better
Down where *** ******
**** ** **** **
** ** *** ***** **** **** **** ***
*** ** *** *** **** ***** ****
CENSOR #2:
STOP!!!!!!! What are you doing? Remember the blinking light?
HYDE:
Yeah, what about it?
CENSOR #2:
It was flashing! That means you're supposed to stop! Lets try this again.
Pay the Whores (Feed the Birds-Mary Poppins)
HYDE:
Pay the whores
Tuppence a time
Tuppence, tuppence,
Tuppence a time
**** *** ****** ***** **** *** ******
***** ******** *** ***** **** *** *****
CENSORS:
STOP! STOP! STOP! You did it again! We'll give you one more try!
Heigh-Ho (Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs)
HYDE:
*sings with a big cheesy grin*
Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho
To make your troubles go
Just keep on singing all day long
Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho,
*the grin turns into a smirk*
Heeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh-whore!!
For if your feeling low
You positively can't go wrong with a whore
*****-** *****-**
CENSOR #1:
Stop! Okay, just for our sanity, what other songs do you plan on singing?
HYDE:
Hmmm... lets see. There's "Once Upon a Whore", "Second Whore to the Right", "A Whole New Whore", "Tonight My Whore Will Come", "I'll Make a
Whore Out of You", "Lets Go Screw a Whore", "Whistle While You Work", "She's a Whore"-
CENSOR #2:
Wait. "Whistle While You Work" doesn't sound to bad. Why don't you do that one?
Whistle While You Work (Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs)
HYDE:
Okay girls, come on out! *a group of whores walk in*
WHORES:
Whistle while you work!
*whistles*
Put on that grin and start right in
To whistle loud and long
Hum a merry song
*hums*
Just do your best then take a rest-
CENSOR #1:
THAT'S IT!!!! THIS SHOW IS CANCELED!!!
HYDE:
Hurry Jekkies! Get in one more song before they shut us off! *Jekkies run on stage*
Edward Hyde Alma Mater
JEKKIES & WHORES:
Come along and sing our song and join our family.
E-D-W-A-R-D H-Y-D-E!
Through the years we'll all be friends wherever we may be.
E-D-W-A-R-D H-Y-D-E!
Edward Hyde!
Edward Hyde!
Forever let us hold our canes high!
Now its time to say good-bye to all our company
E-D-W
HYDE:
W?! What the hell kinda letter is W?!
JEKKIES & WHORES:
A-R-D
HYDE:
Didn't we just go through this with W?!
JEKKIES & WHORES:
H-Y-D-E
HYDE:
What the hell is up with this?! I can't make any frickin' sentences with any letters in frickin' name?! ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!
*Screen Goes Blank*