Something Sweet to Look Forward To…
Category: Sam/Ainsley
Summary: Sam is told about the President's illness and goes to see Ainsley afterwards...
Archive: Please, just tell me where and use my name. I shared this on an Ainsley Hayes/Sam Seaborn site a few years back and thought I'd post it here on , too.
Part 1 of 2- Sam's POV-
"I'll be here in the office when you're done."
Leo walks quickly, keeping ahead of me. As I follow him away from Toby's office, my mind flashes back to Toby's expression and his words. Leo is not saying anything. Toby is waiting for me in his office. I suddenly break out in a cold sweat. Something really big is coming at me. I can feel it. As we pass people in the hallways, they murmur greetings to both of us, some seem to pick up a feeling of tension from us. Some don't notice us. They all begin to blur together.
My thoughts turn to selfish concerns. Am I about to be fired? Should I have included that awful line in the speech after all? No. Certainly not. I was right. And Toby just found out, and said he trusted me. And if anyone were going to fire me it would be Toby. Except… would Batman fire Robin… or have Alfred (or whoever you Batman's boss is, does he have one?) do it? I shake the bizarre thought violently out of my head. Batman would do it.
OK. I'm not about to be fired.
I'm on my way to the Oval Office. Leo is not speaking. Toby has been on the warpath for weeks now. And, for the past week, he has been in a much tighter, darker mode than usual. I haven't seen Josh much over the past few days. My thoughts race, taking an accounting of my other coworkers. Their moods and actions have been off, somehow. And... I'm about to find out why. Crap. Something wicked this way comes… My heartbeat quickens with dread. We arrive at the door to the office. Mrs. Landingham is not at her desk. Charlie nods to us, and says the President's waiting for us. I look at Charlie for a second longer than I normally would. His expression is unreadable.
The President is sitting, reading. When I enter the room, he sets the papers aside, and takes off his glasses. Leo points me to the sofa nearest President Bartlet and remains standing, tense and stiff. President Bartlet clears his throat, "I'm looking over a draft of the SME speech. Well done, Sam."
I lick my dry lips, and reply softly, "thank you, sir. The ATJ and Progressive Caucus had some concerns about verbiage that I refused to include…"
He waves his hand dismissively, "sit down, Sam. I trust your words. I trust you." He looks at me so seriously that my heart begins pounding even faster. Toby said he trusts me, too. This is something about trust... broken trust? I realize that something is about to happen now, more likely that it has happened already. I'm about to hear about it for the first time, and that it's not so much about me as it is about the President. And trust. And it's going to hurt.
I know concern shows in my face. Unlike every other moment of my career, I don't try to hide it now.
He smiles slightly, and takes a sip of his drink. "Would you like a drink, Sam?" I feel the blood drain from my face. The President doesn't offer me a drink usually. He treats me more like a son, not a peer. He sees my face and urges, "please, Sam. Calm down. I… Well, I need to tell you something. " He clears his throat, and I see sorrow in his eyes. I feel a chill of fear cut through me.
Then, I see something that is very familiar and usually comforting, but which offers me absolutely no comfort in this moment. He puts on his 'Speech Face'. A bead of sweat runs down my spine.
I write his speeches. I've written hundreds of them. For three years I've listened with joy and wonder, and sometimes sorrow, as he's brought my words to life. I know what he looks like when he's about to deliver words he's committed to his incredible memory. I nearly panic as I wonder what he is going to tell me that he has obviously said before, and obviously memorized. Sound seems muted. Time seems to slow.
And, once again, my world tumbles end over end. I have nothing to hold onto, nothing to look forward to but pain and heartache.
"See, about ten years ago, for a period of a few months, I was feeling rundown, and had a pain in my leg. They both subsided, but eight years ago, the pain came back, as well as numbness. My vision would become blurry and I'd feel dizzy. During an eye exam, the doctor detected abnormal pupil responses, and ordered a MRI. The radiologist found plaque on my brain and spine. I have a relapsing, remitting course of Multiple Sclerosis." The President holds my gaze as silence fills the room.
Multiple Sclerosis.
I break the gaze, and look down at my hands. They are strangely still considering the way I feel they should be shaking. My stomach is tight. My mouth is dry. The hairs on my arms stand on end. Another bead of sweat runs down my spine. But my body is strangely still.
The President has Multiple Sclerosis.
Without thinking, I ask, "how do you feel?" My voice sounds tight and strangely pitched. I feel a wave of heat flush up my neck. My emotions are definitely beyond me at this moment.
He smiles an ironic smile, almost bitter, almost surprised I would ask. He replies genially, "Fine, thanks! I appreciate you asking. You?"
My head swims, and I whisper, "could I have some water?"
Leo pours some from a pitcher into a glass, and brings it to me. I look up into his eyes and see him measuring me. They've done this before. Toby knows. Josh knows. CJ knows. Who else? Everybody in the White House? Everybody but me? How out of the loop am I? Why didn't I know sooner? I search for a logical reason, to mollify my ego. The speech. They must have held off on telling me because of the speech. It's done… and now that it's done, I know that the President has Multiple Sclerosis. I down the contents of the glass in one swallow.
As I set the glass down, the silence weighs on us all. I finally meet the President's gaze again. He looks as though he expects me to yell at him or something. I don't understand that. On some level, I'm horrified as my eyes fill with tears. Seeing this, his eyes become moist, too. I pick up the glass again. I hold it up in a silent plea for more water. Leo obliges. When he hands back the glass, I take a small sip, and set it on the coffee table. I sit back, and wipe the back of my left hand over each eye.
I take a deep breath. "Are you okay, Mr. President?" I choke out.
He nods.
"Are you… is it… fatal?" I feel foolish as I ask. Unsure. Scared, like a child asking about the monsters in the dark. I don't know much about Multiple Sclerosis. Never needed to. Wish I wasn't about to learn. I usually hate not knowing about something, but for one moment I wish that I could remain ignorant of MS. Ignorance really IS bliss!
He shakes his head. "MS is not fatal. It can become physically debilitating, and affect cognitive function, but it is not fatal." I feel my expression twist, and I look down.
Debilitating. Cognitive function. No.
"Why are you telling me now?" I ask. "Why now, if not before?"
He sits back and sighs. "I will announce it soon. Toby figured it out last week from 'clues' that Hoynes gave him. It's time to tell the People. It's time."
Last week. Toby. Clues. Hoynes knows. Time.
I blink rapidly, and nod. "Is there anything else, Sir?"
What will this mean for him? What will this mean for the Presidency? Is it all over for us? How will we overcome this? What about me? What will I do? I grow disgusted with myself for the selfish turn of my thoughts.
He shakes his head, and then leans forward, obviously having changed his mind. "I'm sorry, Sam. I'm sorry I didn't tell you years ago. I believed I was doing what was best at the time. But, now, I'm sorry."
Again, I blink back tears. He's apologizing to me because he's facing a debilitating illness. "That's okay, Mr. President. I'm sorry you have it."
Debilitating. Cognitive function. Jed Bartlet unable to speak, unable to bring my words to life.
No!
He licks his lips, and looks down. "Thank you, Sam." Then he stands.
I stand, too, and now my body has caught up with my brain. My legs shake. I rasp, "good evening, Mr. President."
He repeats, "thank you, Sam." As I move toward the door, I hear him say to Leo, "I wish we'd gauged reaction with that one, Leo." Then he turns away, and I swear I hear him choke back a sob. I don't look back. I can't.
Leo puts a hand on his shoulder, and responds, "he's not the only one who will react that way, Mr. President." He orders me, "Sam, please get with Babish at 5:30 a.m., and then come by my office tomorrow afternoon. There are some things we need to get your help on. By the way, we've got room B-WW 280 set up as a 'war room' of sorts. You'll need to use the code word 'Sagittarius' to gain entry. Why don't you call it a night now?"
I nod, and close the door behind me as I leave the Oval Office. I stare back at the door for a moment. I see Charlie look up at me. I look at him. Now, I can read his expression. He knows. I nod and say, "good night, Charlie."
He replies evenly, "good night, Sam." I think about his quiet strength as I walk away.
I vaguely hear people speak as I pass. I don't speak in return. I look at their eyes as I pass. I do an unintentional survey. He doesn't know. She doesn't know. They don't know.
I pass Oliver Babish. He knows. Well, I guess he would. He IS the White House Counsel… bet he's cursing Tribbey for leaving him the job now. I wonder why he was in the West Wing… and where he's going.
My brain is whirring. What can I do to help? I guess Babish will let me know tomorrow what he has in mind, but what can I bring to the table? I bump into a door frame, and mutter a curse. Actually, I guess he'll be vetting me in the morning and then Leo will tell me what they want me to do. What can I bring to the table? Think.
He doesn't know. She doesn't know. He doesn't know. She doesn't know.
Donna. Big smile, and then a curious look as I don't respond. Nope. Doesn't know. Ginger. No particular expression. Doesn't know.
I walk into Toby's office, and close the door behind me. He's silent. I sit down on his sofa. He gives me a beer and sips his scotch. He definitely knows. He squints and talks without looking me in the eye, "you're gonna need to talk to the White House Counsel. Babish wants you to come in at 5:30 tomorrow morning." I nod. He bounces a ball.
"Leo told me that." I respond, and then ask. "Is Babish representing the President?" Toby nods, and bounces the ball. "What about us?" Somehow I know it's okay to bring up selfish concerns with Toby. He won't think less of me for it. He'll just help me sort it out.
Toby bounces the ball again and again, and quietly replies, "he's going to appoint someone from his office to review all the speeches we've written, all the commentaries we've done, and all our appearances in the media. She'll let us know whether or not we need our own lawyers." He looks at me evenly.
I choke on my beer. "She?" Toby nods. "She?" I stand, and pace to the other end of the office and stop, rooted there. I whirl back, and look at Toby.
Toby looks at me very intently, "Babish needs to use all of the resources we've got on this. He's going to want you to help with vetting and other preparation, for example. He also decided to use all of the White House lawyers. He's informing them one at a time, and giving them areas on which to focus. Ainsley Hayes is being told right now. He thinks that she's the best one to defend you... and me."
I feel the color rise in my face. I'm suddenly furious. I know what this is about. Babish has decided to use Ainsley's and my friendship to keep her in check. He doesn't trust her political motives. The painful thing is that I know she'll understand that all too clearly, as well. It'll just be one more example of the millions of ways the Democrats in this White House have found to let her know she's the enemy, no matter what she does. I flash back to the message on the card in the dead flowers that Brookline and Joyce left on her desk.
But, this anger is more than even that and I know it. Much more.
Toby is still staring at me. He can see right through me, and I really don't give a damn. My breathing comes faster. I want nothing more than to charge down to the basement and throw Babish up against a wall and beat him senseless. I want to protect her from learning about this… scandal. I want to protect her from another slam against her integrity as a White House employee. Now, my hands are shaking visibly. I clench fists. Without sound or expression, Toby tosses me the ball. I slam it into the glass of his office door so hard it cracks.
He winces, "Feel better?" I shake my head. I don't feel better. I feel drained. I feel helpless. He's telling her right now. I pace back and forth in this cage.
Toby remarks, "I envy you, you know." I look at him in confusion. He envies me? Envies me what? "I envy that you didn't get angry until you got here." I tilt my head, and look at Toby. I nod slowly. I can imagine what Toby's reaction must have been. I've seen him seething ever since. He's not just angry with the President and Leo. He's angry with himself, too.
I look away and rasp, "she'll surprise Babish, you know. She'll take the news like the pro that she is, and dig into our defense the same way. And, she would do that no matter what aspect of the case she was assigned."
Toby looks at me carefully. "You have a lot of faith in her." He shrugs, looking uncomfortable. "You know her better than I do. She seems intelligent and capable, if a bit nervous. But, I don't know her." His voice rises. "Of course, on some level I find it hysterical to think a Republican will be defending me against all that's coming our way…"
I reprove him, firmly, "she's more than that, Toby. She's the Associate White House Counsel. The President appointed her because she has a sense of duty."
He smiles slightly, "and, because she kicked your ass on television."
I grin grimly and choose to ignore the dig. "A sense of duty… like in Pinafore."
Toby bounces his ball and asks, idly, "were you really President of the Gilbert and Sullivan Society at Princeton?"
I shake my head. "Recording Secretary."
He chuckles darkly. "Yeah. You know… your opinion has really changed since you yelled at Leo for sending her to clean up the mess with the Rockland memo. Then, you were suspicious that she would leak the problem…" He looks at me expressively, as only Toby can.
I remember. I wince and look down. She knows about this by now, and I can't do anything to stop it or to stop Babish from hurting her. And I can't do anything to cure the President. I'm stunned as the sense of helplessness hits me.
Why cognitive function? Why? Please, no.
Softly, Toby adds, "I hope your faith in her is justified, Sam. I really do." Doubt shows in his eyes, and dread of the pain he sees ahead for me, if his doubt proves justified.
I finish off the beer, and crush the can viciously. I assure him, "it is, Batman. It is." He smiles slightly. I get up and say, "I'm going to call it a night. Early… and long… day tomorrow."
He nods, "Yeah. Good night, Sam." I reply in kind.
In my office, I hit 'save' on the document that's up on my computer. I glance to see how many new emails I have. And then, I just close the door and leave. But I don't go to my car. There's no question where I'm going now.
I'm going to find some doughnuts.
to be continued...