Title: As It Should Be
Fandom: SVU
Characters/Pairings: Barson
Rating: T/Pg-13/12A
Warnings: None

Summary: Set a week after Gone Baby Gone. The shadow of Noah's kidnapping is still hanging over Olivia and Rafael. Can they find a way forward, together?

Disclaimer: I don't own SVU. If I did, Barson would be a thing by now.

A/N: So, this episode just wouldn't leave me alone. This is one-shot, completely unrelated to 'What Makes a Family?"

Olivia sat cuddled with Noah on the sofa. They were snuggled up under their favourite blanket watching Big Hero 6. Two bowls, that had contained generous helpings of strawberry ice-cream, lay empty on the coffee table.

As the credits of the film began to roll, Olivia placed a kiss on her son's head. "Time for bed, sweet boy." Technically, it his bedtime had passed forty-five minutes ago, but recently, Olivia had found it hard to send her son off to bed. She didn't like leaving him in his room alone, not after what had happened with Sheila. She needed him to be within her sights for as long as possible.

"Can I have a story, Momma?" Noah asked, stifling a yawn.

"A short one," Olivia agreed, knowing he would most likely be asleep before they finished the first page.

Just as they stood from the sofa, there was a short, sharp knock on the door.

"I'll get it!" Noah headed for the door.

Olivia chased after him, placing her hands on his shoulders. "No! I will get it." She turned him around and ushered him back toward the couch.

Looking through the peep-hole she was surprised to see Rafael stood on the other side. He rarely stopped by without a call or a text, and she'd received neither. Still, she was happy to see him. Having been on leave for the past week, she had missed him. Yes, they'd exchanged a few messages, but it wasn't the same. His sarcastic comments didn't quite have the same affect without the accompanying smirk or eye-roll. She quickly unlocked the door and threw it wide open.

"Hi! This is a surprise."

"Hey. Yeah, I'm sorry to stop by unannounced but…" He gave her a weary smile, running a hand through his hair. "Can we talk?"

Olivia took a moment to take in her friend's appearance. He'd obviously come straight from the office; he was still in his suit, although his top button was undone and his tie askew. But he was more than just rumpled from the day. There were a few more grey hairs in the locks that were usually perfectly coiffed and now looked dishevelled as if he'd been running his hands through them. The past few years had added some laugh lines around his eyes when he flashed her that mischievous grin, but today they were visible, and he wasn't smiling.

"Of course. You're always welcome." She stepped to the side. "Come on in."

He was surprised to find Noah sat on the sofa. He glanced at the clock on the wall. "Hey amigo, isn't it past your bedtime?"

Noah leant against the arm of the couch. "Hi Uncle Rafa! Momma let me stay up later."

"Really?" Rafael glanced at his friend; she was usually quite strict about Noah's bedtime.

"Only a little," Olivia said, wrapping her arms around herself. "Besides, we were just about to go and have a story when you arrived, weren't we Noah?"

Noah nodded. "Yeah. Uncle Rafa, can you do my story please?" Noah asked, sliding off the couch and walking towards him, holding Eddie tightly in his arms. He loved Uncle Rafa's stories. He always did voices and actions.

"Noah, Uncle Rafa's been at work all day." Olivia explained. "He might be tired and-"

Rafael watched Noah's face fall. "No, it's okay. I don't mind." He ruffled the little boy's hair as his smile reappeared. "Go get ready for bed and choose a book, okay?"

"Okay."

Olivia moved through the living room, picking up Noah's discarded toys. Rafael followed, shedding his coat. He lay it, and his briefcase, on the chair with a sigh.

"Bad day?" Olivia asked, folding the blanket and placing over the back of the sofa.

"I've had better. You?"

She shrugged. "Grocery shopping, the park, then home for spaghetti night a movie and ice-cream." She indicated the bowls on the table.

"So, no school then?" Rafael asked hesitantly.

Olivia sighed. "No. Not yet." Olivia held up a hand to halt the comment she knew was coming. "I know, I know. I can't keep him off forever. It's just-"

"Uncle Rafa, I'm ready," called Noah from his room.

Rafael followed Olivia down the hall and stood in the doorway and watched as she and Noah, who was already lay down, completed their nightly routine.

"Have you done your teeth?" Olivia asked. Noah nodded, automatically opening his mouth to show her. Olivia inspected his efforts and nodded approvingly. "Good night, sweet boy." She kissed his forehead. "I love you."

"Love you too, Momma."

Olivia stood from the bed. "I'll make us a drink," she said, laying a hand on his arm. "Coffee? Or something stronger?"

"Something stronger, I think." He took Olivia's place on the edge of Noah's bed and opened the copy of 'Ten Little Dinosaurs'. As Noah snuggled into him and curled his fist around one of Rafael's suspenders, he began to read, "Ten little dinosaurs, hatching from their eggs, blinking in the sunshine, stretching out their legs…"

Olivia poured herself a glass of Cabernet and a large glass of scotch for Rafael. She always kept a bottle in the cupboard for him, for when he came over to prep for trial. With her having Noah, it was easier (not to mention more comfortable) to work at her place, rather than either of their offices.

She placed the glasses on the table and curled up on the coach, reading the news on her phone while she waited for Rafael to finish Noah's story. She managed to skim read a couple of interesting articles, before he returned.

"He okay?" she enquired, placing her phone on the table.

Rafael nodded. "We barely got past 'nine little dinosaurs' before he was asleep." He picked up his glass of scotch, and joined her on the couch.

"I shouldn't be keeping him up, I know. But whenever he's out of my sight I'm gripped by this feeling of absolute terror. Do you know how desperately I want to rush in there right now and check on him?"

"So, go. If it will help you feel better, go and check on your son."

She shifted, but didn't get up, just picked up her phone and opened a new app. She turned it toward Rafael. "No need."

He did a double take. "Is that…" He moved closed to the screen "…Noah?" Sure enough, there on the screen was a slightly grainy video stream from the room down the hall. "There's an app for that?"

Olivia nodded. "That first night… I couldn't leave his room and he wouldn't sleep with me in there. I threw out his actual baby monitor a couple of years ago so went online to order a new one and found this app. My iPad sits on his shelf and streams straight to my phone."

Rafael stared wide-eyed at the video feed on the screen in front of him, both impressed and baffled in equal measure about the uses of technology these days.

Olivia placed the phone back on the table, this time leant against a stack of books. "Don't judge me. I'm trying, alright?"

"I'm not, Liv. I'm not." He tore his eyes away from the video of child who was sleeping down the hall and turned to face her. "I can't begin to imagine what you went through when he was gone, Liv. Whatever helps you to cope… is fine. You do what you need to do." He remembered the fear and dread that had filled him when he'd heard about Noah. But that was nothing compared to what Olivia had experienced.

Olivia dragged her bottom lip between her teeth. "What if it never goes away, Rafa? This fear, this… paranoia?"

The haunting sadness in her tone made him ache. He placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "It will. It's barely been a week. You've just got to give it time." He stretched his fingers and stroked her hair. "He's home. He's safe."

"You didn't come here to talk about this."

He rolled his eyes. "Will you stop saying that? We're friends Liv, we're supposed to be there for each other."

"Well then, are you going to tell your friend what's bothering you? You did ask if we could talk."

Rafael hesitated, letting his hand drop from her hair. Having seen how the events of the previous week were still affecting her, he wasn't sure now was the best time for this conversation. "It can wait…"

"Don't give me that, Rafa. Something is clearly weighing on your mind."

He downed his scotch, the amber liquid burning as it slid down his throat. "The DA asked to see me tonight. Sheila…" He inhaled slowly, watching her reaction carefully. "Sheila has refused her deal."

Olivia's eyes snapped to his. "What?"

"She wants her day in court. She believes that when the jury hear her side of the story; how she lost Ellie, wasn't told about Noah, that they'll acquit."

"Oh my God," she breathed, running her hand through her hair. "This is never going to end is it?"

Rafael leant forward, placing his glass on the coffee table and resting his elbows on his knees. His eyes fell on a photo of Noah on his first day of school. Olivia kneeling proudly at his side. He couldn't help but think how that was the last photo of the two of them before this whole nightmare first began. Less than an hour after that happy smiling moment, Olivia had grabbed Noah, to pull him from the path of an oncoming taxi, with no idea what she was setting in motion. "The DA wants me to take on the case."

The powers that be wanted Sheila in jail. She had targeted a police officer's child and taken him across state lines. That was unacceptable. It wasn't automatically his case, but 1PP and the Mayor wanted the best, and to Jack McCoy, that was Rafael Barba.

From the thick silence that settled over them and the way Rafael was avoiding her gaze, Olivia could tell that wasn't all of it. "There's something else, isn't there?"

"Liv, I…"

Suddenly, in a moment of blinding clarity, it hit her. "Are you going to refuse?"

"I've been given the option. The DA understands that, given our… friendship, I may wish to decline."

"But you won't." He still wouldn't look at her. "You will take the case, right?"

He sighed. "There's a new EDA coming in. Peter Stone… He's good Liv."

"Not as good as you," she replied automatically. In her mind, he was the best. Relentless, ambitious, intelligent. He had all the pre-requisites and more to put Sheila in jail. And she wanted her in jail. That woman had put her through two days of hell and, while Olivia could perhaps understand why she had done it, she still wanted her to be punished. Once Sheila was locked up, perhaps she and Noah could get back to some semblance of normality.

"I'm just not sure it's the best idea, Liv."

Olivia was confused. She'd never known Rafael to be this conflicted about taking on a case. She placed her hand on his back, between his shoulder blades. "What's this really about, Rafa?"

"I'm too close to the case," he admitted, head hung low. "To you. To Noah. Historically, I don't do to well in cases where I have… an interest."

"That's not true."

Rafael shook his head. "It is. It happened with Alejandro – I let our shared history cloud my judgement."

"You saw him for what he was though, in the end."

"I failed Rollins when we charged Deputy Chief Patton, and when Noah contracted measles and we took that anti-vaxxer to trail, I failed to get the felony conviction."

"Rafa…"

"And then there was…" He bit his lip, before hissing, "William Lewis."

Olivia tried not to flinch at the name that fell from Rafael's lips. "He was found guilty."

Rafael turned toward her, but kept his focus on the floor, guilt forbidding any eye contact with her. "Not for attempted murder. Not for attempted rape. I had you relive those awful days when he had you. The torture, the degradation and for what?" His face was dark, and he was wringing his hands.

Seeing that he was struggling to hold himself together, Olivia desperately wanted to hold him. To comfort this man who had breezed into her life five years ago with a smart-ass comment and cocky attitude, but had quickly become one of her closest friends. She had never thought it was possible to trust someone as much as she trusted Rafael Barba. "But he went to jail Rafa. You got him off the streets."

"Not soon enough. If I'd done my job properly in the first place, then he never would have been able to-"

"Stop!" she begged, laying her other hand on his arm. It pained Olivia to see him like this. She couldn't believe that he had been carrying this guilt for all this time.

She moved closer to him, pausing momentarily to gather her thoughts. She wanted to say exactly what he needed to hear. "What happened with William Lewis was not your fault." The hand on his back travelled up to the back of his neck, stroking gently. She spoke softly. "I neverblamed you, Rafa. Never."

He raised an eyebrow. "How could you not?"

Olivia's emotional control was now breaking down, she needed Rafael to believe what she was saying so much, it physically ached. She stroked the hair at the nape of his neck; a comforting, compassionate gesture. "There were times when I wanted to blame others, believe me. Rollins for arresting him, Cragen for sending me in to interview him, the judge for granting bail, Cassidy for working overtime. But not you. Never you." Tears pooled in her eyes, and Rafael's too as he listened to her words. "You did everything you could. He just manipulated the system at every turn. It wasn't your fault. I need you to believe that."

Rafael finally brought his eyes to meet Olivia's and, when he saw the wetness in her eyes, he moved closer, wrapping his arms around her. She returned his embrace, holding him tightly. Rafael buried his face in her hair, cherishing the smell of her, allowing the familiar scent to soother him. Pulling back, he gently caressed her cheek, wiping away the single tear that had escaped.

"I don't want to let you down again."

"You've never let me down." She reached up and covered his hand where it rested against her cheek. "I have faith in you Rafa. If you take this to court I know you will do your utmost to get a conviction." He opened his mouth to protest but Olivia silenced him with a finger to his lips. "But, if you want to let this new DA, Stone, take the case, then I have faith in that decision as well."

"I just want to do right by you, Liv."

"You will. I know you will. I know that whatever decision you make, you will do so because you believe it's what is best for all three of us. Me, Noah and you."

Gazing into the depths of her eyes, Rafael saw something that almost took his breath away, complete trust and pure love. He had dreamt of her looking at him like this for so long, never daring to imagine that she would. Seeing his own feelings reflected in her gaze, Rafael slowly brought his lips to hers, placing a light, tender kiss on them. His eyes slipped closed as feelings of awe and excitement rushed through him.

After a few, all to brief, moments, he opened his eyes to check her reaction, to give her the chance to pull away, should she wish. She didn't. She raised her hand to his cheek, her fingers moving along his jaw in the faintest of caresses as she returned his soft kiss.

When the kiss ended, Rafael lay his forehead against hers. "Was that… okay?" He was fairly confident that it was, otherwise she'd have sucker-punched him, but he had to be sure. It was one of the effects of working sex crimes; it made you hypervigilant to issues of consent.

"Mmmmm," she hummed with a smile, pulling back to look at him. "It was very… nice."

"Nice? That's it?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Fishing for compliments, counsellor? And you, always the confident one."

He ducked his head, mumbling. "Not always." No, matters of the heart were something he'd never been particularly confident with.

Olivia placed her fingers under his chin and lifted his head. "Maybe I didn't get the full effect. I mean, it was rather… brief." She hooked her leg over him and moved so she was straddling his lap. "Wanna try it again?"

Rafael didn't need asking twice. His hands swept into her hair, threading into her long, thick locks as their lips met once more. He ran his tongue along her lips, and she parted them eagerly, allowing him entrance. This kiss was the antithesis of their first; hot, passionate and demanding, but just as wonderful.

His hands slid to her waist, toying with the hem of her t-shirt. She shivered as his fingers brushed the skin underneath. She grabbed at his hair, fingers raking over his scalp as she pressed further into him. The bulge she felt beneath her was impressive and she couldn't help but let out a low moan.

Rafael hissed as she rubbed against him. "Liv?" He asked between kisses. "This is… amazing but maybe… maybe we should… slow down?"

She pulled away, breathless and scooted back a little, holding onto his shoulders for balance. "Sorry." She bit her lip, cheeks flushing. "I guess I got a little carried away."

"No, cariño, don't apologise. I was more than enjoying myself." He took her hand and placed a kiss on the inside of her wrist. "I should probably take you to dinner first though. Wine and dine you."

"You don't need to seduce me, Rafa. I'm already yours."

"Good to know. But I want… I need to do this right." If things turned out the way he hoped they would have plenty of time to explore the physical side of their relationship, but you only got one first time with someone. He wanted it to be perfect for them because he didn't plan on having a first time with anyone else.

The intensity in his eyes as she spoke rendered Olivia almost speechless. "O-okay."

"So, you'll let me take you out one night? Maybe later this week?"

"But… Noah…"

"Will be safe here with Lucy for an hour or two. Or Amanda. Or whoever you trust to leave him with."

"I'd leave him with you," she told him.

"Hard to do if I'm the one taking you to dinner. But it's nice to know." He cupped her face. "You can call to check on him as often as you like, I won't be offended. But if you're really not comfortable going out, we can always stay in. I'll cook."

"I didn't know you could cook. Anything else I need to know?"

"You'll find out in time. I'm full of surprises." He waggled his eyebrows and she laughed. He thought it was the first genuine laugh he'd heard from her since Noah had disappeared. "Seriously though, if you want to stay in, we can."

"Book a table."

"Are you sure?"

Olivia nodded, sliding off his lap back to onto the sofa. "I'm not saying I won't freak out, because I still might. But I want to go to dinner with you Rafa." She curled her legs up next to her and leaned into his side.

He wrapped his arm around, anchoring her to him and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Wow. I can't believe we're actually doing this. I dreamt but I never thought we'd actually get here."

"Me neither." Her fingers traced nonsensical patterns on his thigh. "But I'm glad we did."

He smiled. "Me too. You know what this means?"

"Hmm." She smirked. "That it'll be so much easier to get a warrant from you now."

Rafael rolled his eyes. "In your dreams. No, I was thinking more about how I definitely can't prosecute Sheila now." It was too much of a conflict of interest now. If he did and Sheila's defence found out about him and Olivia, it could put the entire trial in jeopardy. "Is that... are you okay with that?"

Olivia craned her neck to look at him. "Yes. I told you I have faith in you. If you trust this new guy… Stone, did you say his name was?" Rafael nodded. "If you trust him, then that's good enough for me."

"I'll still be there," he assured her. "In court."

"I know." While there were still a lot of things she needed to learn about Rafael – how well her could cook, how his bare skin would feel pressed against hers - she knew he wouldn't miss a day of the trial, even if it meant taking leave from work for the duration. She yawned loudly, a clear indication of just how tired she was. "Sorry." She was exhausted, both emotionally and physically. She hadn't been sleeping, wanting to stay awake and alert to protect Noah. Over the last few days, she had reached that point where her body insisted that she sleep, but when she did she the dreams came; the nightmarish images of all the worst possible outcomes that could have occurred, and she would wake, terrified in the dead of night.

"It's okay." He shifted their positions, stretching out on the sofa so that she was cradled against his chest but resting against the back of the sofa.

Her body felt heavy, but for the first time in a week, her heart and mind felt lighter. Rafael was warm, and he smelled good. She sighed wearily as she tangled her legs with his. She felt safe there, in his arms, surrounded by his scent and warmth. She knew that she could close her eyes and fall asleep right here in his arms and he would take care of her.

"Stay?" she mumbled.

"Always." His fingers combed through her hair. When she hummed, he smiled. "Close your eyes, Liv." His lips brushed the top of her head whilst his other hand drew small lazy circles against her back. Soon her body went slack against him as she surrendered to sleep. He pulled the blanket down from the back of the sofa and lay it over them.

How long she would sleep he didn't know, but he would stay, holding her for the duration. Before sleep claimed him too, he took one final look at Olivia's phone, still sat on the table showing the video feed of Noah asleep down the hall. Thankfully, the little boy didn't seem to be too affected by his little road trip last week and was home safe and sound.

Right now, Rafael was more concerned about Olivia. While she didn't need looking after, she deserved to be taken care of for a little while. He was more than happy to do that. He would hold her while she slept and then, tomorrow, they would wake and face the day together. As it should be.