That's Why I Love You
Word Count: 3,406 (Wow im so sorry)
Type: Angst, Fluff (99.999% fluff)
Description: Dan shouldn't have made fun of the sticky notes Phil had bought, but hey, he doesn't really mind them now.
A/N: This might suck this might not, I'm not sure. Please enjoy nonetheless.
If we let them take us away, we have nothing. I never realized that life is worth living until you. If you're not in my life, I won't live it. It's dumb I know, trust me, it's the most clichéd thing ever. The Romeo and Juliet classic. However, it's the truth. Before you I didn't want to get up, face the day, smile, laugh, survive, but with you, that all comes easily. This isn't a moment were I beg you to stay and force you to because you feel guilty. You're not even planning on leaving while I'm writing this, or at least I hope not. This is a confession. This is the truth. I had always heard that in order for you to love someone, you must love yourself first, but that's not the case. I never have loved myself, but you, oh god, I love you so much, Phil, I forgot what hating myself felt like. But now? You're going to leave, I know that, I'm not dumb, depressed sure, but not dumb.
They are getting close to finding out. Are you ready? We've hidden it for six and a half years. The only years that have mattered to me. I truly lived in those years. You gave me everything I have, indirectly at the very least. Among them are our midnight chats and three am kisses. Our morning breath make outs, our sweaty hands clasped together. Our witty banter, or our lame jokes. Our I love yous' and our movie nights. I'm not trying to get you to stay if you don't want too, I'm just trying to tell you what I feel. I know that's not enough, but it was for those amazing fantastic six years. Maybe I'm not good enough, because after all, I don't have anything to offer. I just want you to know, I love you and I just want you to be happy, I'll get over it if that's what you want. I just love you so much, I'm sorry.
God, I'm so sorry for whatever I did, hell it could have been a lot I did. I'm sorry if I hurt you in anyway, it was never my intention. I'm shit at this really, you know that, I'm not sure how you ever let me write in our book, what I'm trying to say, jokes aside, is that I really do love you, more than you could possibly understand or feel for me, and I just want you to know that I'm glad I spent my prime years with you, even if you are leaving, I'm glad you gave me six plus years of happiness, I'm glad you gave me you for a bit.
- Dan
When I opened up the document entitled 'In Case of Worst Case Scenario Break Glass'I didn't expect a letter addressed to me. I scanned the document once more, analyzing every bit and piece. I felt tears beginning to form in the corners of my eyes, threating to run down my checks. I can't believe he wrote out something to say if I ever choose to leave, come to think of it, I hope he doesn't think I would ever want to leave him. He's my bear, and I'm his cuddle buddy, among other things. It dawns on me after reading it for the tenth time that it was his "Worst Case Scenario" which makes my heart flutter and do flips. I so badly want to hug him, but he's away filming something with Radio 1. I sit in our office for a bit longer, trying to decide my plan of action to respond. Wait, should I respond, I was snooping on the computer after all. Would Dan be mad at me? No, well….. maybe, but not much right? I mean I'm sure I could get on his good side again. I settle on a text to him, but I won't tell him I found this adorable yet heartbreaking document.
To: Dan (Bear)
ello how's filming treating my bear?
Sent 10:27pm
Figuring I won't get a reply due to his probable busyness, I return my phone to my back pocket, exit the word document, and shut down the computer. I stand from our desk chair and feel a vibration in my back pocket, grinning seeing the name on my phone. I unlock it straight away.
From: Dan (Bear)
filming's fine, lonely though, i miss you Xx
Sent 10:28pm
I smile slightly at his reply, feeling a pang of disappointment in my chest due to the distance. We've had a distance greater than this when we were first starting out, but it was different. We have grown accustomed to hugs and cuddles every minute of every day if we desired, never leaving each other's side if we chose, so the distance was strange and created a horrible sinking feeling. I so badly want to hug him and just be near him in all honesty. I may seem to cope better than Dan, but I'm not that good at being home alone. I reply almost instantly.
To: Dan (Bear)
i'm missing you too Dan home soon though, then we can cuddle. Xx (maybe even watch some movies and have popcorn) :)
Sent 10:28pm
I return my phone to my pocket once again, and this time head towards the door, wondering how in the world I could possibly let Dan know I read that and have him not yell at me for it. I make it half way to our lounge before my phone is going off again, causing a small smile to appear on my face.
From: Dan (Bear)
i'd like that, i have to get back to this thing i love you, text you later kay? Xx
Sent 10:31pm
I frown slightly realizing he has to go, wanting him to desperately stay, feeling the distance kick in all over again.
To: Dan (Bear)
the sooner you get to work the sooner you'll be home and cuddling with me ;) i love you text you later Bear Xxxx (sending you kisses from home, keep um in your pocket, use in case you get a boo boo)
Sent 10:31pm
****Two Days Later****
Maybe I went a lil' bit over board, but hey, it was Dan's fault for
a) Being away from me
b) Making that document
c) Making fun of the sticky notes
d) Just because he's Dan
Yes, I know maybe using a tad too many sticky notes over every surface of our flat was a bit extreme, but I don't care. My bear is coming home today and I need to make sure he knows that I love him so much and very deeply, too deeply to choose to leave, ever. I mean even if he wanted me to leave, I wouldn't. (I'm joking of course….kinda…only slightly…..okay I'm not, I'm never leaving him).
He's due home in a few minutes so I scurry up the stairs and hide myself away in our room, hoping he'll see the notes, but if I'm honest I don't think he could miss them.
Dan struggles to get the key in the lock while balancing his suitcase in the same hand. Dropping them for the fifth time before he manages to actually open the flat door. Where's Phil anyway, he'd normally be at the door with his arms wide open, ready for cuddles. Dan thinks while his mind races to the worse possible ideas, his stomach sinks even deeper when he closes the door behind him, not seeing Phil in sight.
"Phil?" Dan calls out into the flat, receiving no reply of any kind.
Dan drops his suitcase on the ground right by the door, catching something in the corner of his eye. It's a sticky note. Phil's writing is scribbled onto the notes he picked up while they were in Japan. Dan smiles slightly thinking of the trip he and Phil shared. His heart prepared for the worst, while his mind hoped for the best.
1. hiya bear
Dan chuckled slightly at the small note, before seeing a small number in the bottom left hand corner. It was a one. Why would Phil number these things? Dan wondered only to be cut short as he saw another, inches away.
2. you made fun of me for buying these
Dan read the second, again marked with a number on the bottom corner. He looked up and noticed that there were notes all over. They lined the railings, the door ways, the doors, the stairs, all over. One after another, leading him somewhere. He chuckled, realizing the game. He gave in and began to pick them up and follow the trail.
3. you said how was I going to use them all
4. well heres how
5. i
6. plan
7. on
8. writing
9. a
10. note
11. on all of them
12. just for you.
13. Because Dan
14. I love you
Dan smiled at the notes as he read them over and over again, with the growing need to smother Phil in kisses.
15. I know youre gonna be a lil mad though
16. I may have accidently found something on the office computer
Dan's face heated up with embarrassment as he knew what Phil had meant, and he was slightly angry for Phil snooping, but more so embarrassed.
17. So I wanted to show you that I love you
18. And heres the start of that
19. I love you because….
20. your smile is pretty
21. you have pretty eyes
22. you make me laugh
23. you joke with me
24. you have a cute butt
25. you have dimples and who could deny those
26. you let me call you bear
27. you put up with me
28. you try for me
29. I love you because you make me happy
30. you kick my ass at Mario kart
31. of the way you look at me as if im your world
32. even though im not, if anything youre mine
33. your laugh differs based on the situation
34. for instance when you laugh during a video
35. I love you because its different from your laugh when we cuddle
36. you make me feel safe
37. you gave me a life I never dreamed of having
38. you stayed strong
39. you believed in me
40. you forgive me when im in the wrong
41. youre a giant nerd
42. you saved me just as much as I saved you
43. youre a meme
44. I love you because we survived 2012 (not even about the world ending, but maybe our world ending)
45. you are there for me
46. I love you because you have a good sense of humor
By this point Dan had made it all the way up to the lounge door, which was closed and had a single sticky note on it, as did every step on the way up to it. Dan's hands were over flowing with sticky notes, so he began putting them in his pockets.
47. I love you because we created a home together
Dan smiled at the cheesy note, feeling his heart beat faster for no apparent reason. He opened the door, expecting Phil to be sat behind it, beaming from ear to ear, waiting to give him a hug. But, when Dan opened the door, there was no Phil. Dan was, instead, greeted by more sticky notes, still pointing towards somewhere. He rolled his eyes and continued picking them up, and undoubtedly smiling at each, before placing them in his pocket.
48. I love you because when im with you I feel like im home
49. it doesn't matter where I am all I need is my bear
50. I love you because of your style
51. you're beautiful
52. you love me
53. you make me need you
54. I love you because you are honestly so funny
55. of the feel of your arms around me
56. I love you because of the feel of your hand running up and down my back
57. of your heart eyes
58. I love you because of 'I'll edit that bit out's
Dan had reached the hall towards their bedrooms, which where both closed, he smiled, taking in all the love he felt on him and for Phil. His mind was taking its time reading each note, smiling at it. He picked up one after another, feeling hopelessly in love after each.
59. I love you because
60. of your vibe
61. the way you call me stupid names
62. like spork or spoon
63. you're a star
64. I love you because you care about me
65. you stayed through the bad times
66. you put your arms around me and I feel at home
67. of how you love
68. I love you because of how you cook
69. I love you because I don't care where we are, as long as I get to see you
70. I just want it to be you and I forever
71. I just want to hold you in my arms
72. I love you because you let me cuddle you on the sofa even when im sick
73. of how you take sneaky photos of me
74. I love you because you trust me
75. of how you bake
76. I love you because of how cute you look with curly hair
Dan was now an arm's reach away from their bedroom door, only a few notes left to go and maybe, just maybe, he'd finally get to smother Phil in loads of kisses.
77. I love you because of how you love me with my glasses on
78. of how you make me feel
79. of how you joke
80. I love you because of how you have me as your background
81. of how we roll in the snow together
82. I love you because of how you hold my hand
Dan slowly opened the door leading into their bedroom, well 'Phil's' bedroom, and saw no Phil inside. Dan frowned wondering where in the hell Phil was, he'd been staying so silent this whole time. None the less, more sticky notes were placed all over their room, so Dan began carrying on with his previous action of collecting the heartfelt notes.
83. I love you because you and me are so much alike, yet different
84. of the way you inspire me with your thoughts and emotions
85. I love you because of the way you snuggle up to me in the middle of the night
86. of the way you can speak your mind
87. I love you because of the way you get my attention
88. I love you because of the way I can so easily make you fall for me
"That lil shit." Dan uttered out loud as he picked up the note from his pillow on his side of their bed. He laughed at it though, because it was true, Dan was so easily in love with Phil that it was scary to most people, but not to Dan, because Phil would never hurt him on purpose. He still had a lot left in the room to collect, so he carried on.
89. I love you because of the way you rub your eyes like a child
90. of the way you care so much about me
91. I love you because of the way you're not embarrassed to call me cute names in front of our friends
92. of the way you look after I say 'I love you'
93. I love you because how you rarely say 'I love you too' and reply with I love you instead
94. I can never hate you
95. I love you because we play stupid games together
96. we are each other's other half
97. I love you because you're phil trash #1 (im sorry I had too)
98. you can't stay mad at me
99. I love you because you sing in the shower and I sign along
100. I love you because of the way you're so comfortable around me
101. you stare at me as if im the sexiest guy in the universe (im not, you are)
102. you can make my heart stop with a kiss
103. I love you because of how you kissed me first
104. I love you because we worry about the others safety over our own
105. you rub my back as I fall asleep when im stressed
106. of the way you blindly follow me
107. I love you because of the way you stay by my side in a crowded room
108. I wake up by your side everyday
109. you hate driving to places separately
110. I love you because you try and make me feel better
111. of the way your skin feels against mine
112. you let me and only me touch your neck
113. of the things you tell me and only me
114. I love you because of the way I see the galaxies in your eyes
115. of your guilty smile
116. I love you because of your angry face
117. I love you because you aren't embarrassed in front of me
118. of the first hug we had
119. I love you because of the hours of skype calls
120. of how long it takes us to say goodbye.
121. I love you because I wanna be the one who holds you as you sleep
122. I love you because of how jealous you get
123. because you saved me
124. because you are mine
125. I love you because I am yours
Dan was now outside the room once again, only now spotting the hidden ones, pointing to the door to his old room, he smacked his head thinking of how stupid he must be to not have thought that Phil would be in a place that reminded him of Dan. He picked up the lonely three notes, reading them and smiling while blushing slightly.
126. I love you because no matter what you love me too
127. I love you because of the feel of your lips on mine
128. I love you because of all that we've been through
Dan opened up the door, finally seeing the person he'd not properly seen in days. As he approached Phil who was beaming from ear to ear whilst sat crisscross on his old bed. Phil stood up as Dan raced to hug him. They collided harshly but nether cared, they were together again. Dan squeezed his boyfriend with all his might, hoping that it would convey all he wanted to say. He pulled his head back and kissed his boyfriend with all the love he felt for him. It ended almost as soon as it began when Phil pulled back and chuckled lightly.
"Why are you laughing?" Dan asked cautiously, hoping that all of this wasn't a joke, even if that was doubtful. Instead of replying audibly, Phil pulled out two sticky notes, one on top of the other, he held them out for Dan. Dan took them and held them out so he could read them.
129. the reason I love you is you
130. that's why I love you
Dan smiled at Phil's words and then Phil pulled him in again for a kiss that last much longer this time. Dan placed his arms around Phil's neck and Phil pulled Dan in by his waist. The loved filled kissed ended when the two love birds came up for air. They leaned against each other's foreheads, breathing heavily, staring into the other's eyes that they missed so much. Phil took a deep breath and giggled a little bit.
"I love you more than you could ever know." Phil said bumping Dan's nose with his own. Dan chuckled pulling Phil in for a quick kiss.
"I think I have a pretty good idea." Dan said, kissing his boyfriend again, finally feeling at home again, letting the reasons why Phil loves him sink in as they make up for lost time.
A short time later, they are on the sofa together, tangled up with a bowl of popcorn on the floor and a movie playing in the background, smiling as they tell the other more reasons why they love each other.