Work Text:
Part 1:
Harry and Severus looked down at the clothes on the bed. "Merlin, no. I'm not wearing that."
"I refuse." Severus picked up one piece of clothing. "It's something that Dumbledore would wear."
"It has sparkles on it." Harry snatched the piece of cloth from Severus' hands and threw it away from them. "What are they thinking of."
"They aren't known for thinking." Severus banished the clothes. "What did they want us to go as?"
"I'm not sure. Something about pumpkins. I told them no." Harry sighed. "Why do we have to have costumes?"
"Blame Albus, this is his idea. Something about easing the division between the sides."
"What us being married didn't help? We have been married for over three years and he tries this?" Harry wished Albus would actually listen when they spoke. "Now, I know why Tom and Lucius get annoyed with him. Where did you banish those outfits?"
"Why?"
"I have an idea. We know it was Granger and Weasley who picked them, so-"
Severus smirked. "This is one of the many reasons I love you. You are the best snake." Severus pulled out his wand and the clothes returned.
"You say the sweetest thing." Harry looked at the clothes. "Let's figure out what they are meant to be, and make sure they show up as it."
Severus and Harry arrived at the Ministry dressed up as two vampires as viewed by the muggle standard. They even had the flowing capes. They greeted their friends, as they slowly made their way to the best viewing point for when Dumbledore, Granger, and Weasley finally arrived.
They saw Lucius and Narcissa work the room dressed as Merlin and Morganna. Tom selected to dress as Salazar Slytherin, not for the first time. Draco was parading around as a Knight.
Dumbledore finally arrived, dressed as a skeleton. His beard and hair were missing. The man wasn't smiling. Following him were two equally miserable orange Tiggers, one looked like the original version, worn by Granger, while Weasley was dressed as the modern version of Tigger. They were even bouncing on their tails as they tried to walk. Their mains were brighter orange with sparkles all over the place.
"That is what they wanted us to be?" Severus wondered what Dumbledore had been thinking. He wanted them dressed as lions and bouncing. Dumbledore had been trying to get Harry back to being a Gryffindor.
Severus wasn't sure what a Tigger was until Harry had shown them the Winnie the Pooh books. Harry showed him the stuffed animals on the internet, which Severus found fascinating. He even talked to Tom and Lucius about the muggle invention. Dumbledore was fighting the modern technology into Hogwarts.
"Yes, and I'm so happy to be married to a Potion Master." Harry leaned into Severus. "How long?" He put his hands over his mouth to cover his laughter.
"The potion in the clothes will keep them from being able to remove their outfits until tomorrow night, depending on what time they donned the outfits. I set the timer for 24 hours."
"Bookmark that potion as I have a feeling we will be needing it again." Severus and Harry braced themselves as the two bouncing Tiggers made their way towards them. "Here we go again." Weasley had never forgiven him for not marrying his sister, who was very happily married to Blaise Zambini.
"Fix it." Granger's voice sounded like a talking cat of Tom, from Tom and Jerry.
"Fix what?"
"You know what." Weasley growled, his voice almost a roar.
"No, I don't." Harry knew why they had tried to get Severus and Harry into the Tigger outfits.
Fred and George started throwing catnip at them. "Go and play."
"Rita has pictures." Harry started laughing as Granger and Weasley started running their hands through their hair and over their clothes. Severus and everyone else laughed as Granger and Weasley looked like two drunks bouncing as they started running around trying to find Rita.
Part 2:
"No, Severus, I'm not doing it." Harry walked out of the kitchen.
Severus followed him. "Even if I'm willing to allow you to keep me as you please for a whole weekend?"
Harry turned, giving him a skeptical look. "A whole month."
Severus didn't smirk, but he knew he had Harry interested. "A week."
"A month, without any pouting, whining, complaints, or even dramatic sighs." Harry wasn't about to give in this year.
"Two weeks?" Severus unbuttoned the top of his robes.
"A month, without any pouting, whining, complaints, or even dramatic sighs. No refusing where I say we go, no refusing by saying you have to make a potion."
"You do understand the concept of negations? You do not add more terms onto a negation."
"If you want me to do it, you will agree, or I will keep adding more terms on until you do it yourself." Harry knew Severus would never do it.
Severus debated with himself for several minutes. "Fine, you win."
"A month, without any pouting, whining, complaints, or even dramatic sighs. No refusing where I say we go, no refusing by saying you have to make a potion."
"Yes." Severus inhaled deeply and huffed.
"Give me the potion and costume." Harry held out his hand. "I don't see why you just don't go and buy your Snickers bars."
"It's more fun when I get to go through all the Halloween candy. The potion will de-age you to six. So I will be your escort."
"I'm so going to make you pay for those Snickers bars."
"Yes, my dear, you do every year." It was part of the reasons why he did it every year. Harry always made it worth it. Harry kept him tied to the bed last winter holidays as part of the month agreement. "Winter holidays?"
"Yes, however, any and all M&M's are mine." Harry took the potion and picked up the costume. "What is it this year?"
"Really asking after the fact, haven't I taught you better?"
"Haven't I taught you better to provide embarrassing costumes after the pink crayon?"
Severus actually moved his hand to his butt, as he remembered that punishment. "You are just a pirate. Now, hurry before all the good candy is taken."
"The things I do for you." Harry marched to their bedroom to change. Harry came back out looking like a six-year-old Jack Sparrow.
Severus dumped the bag of candy onto the table, eagerly seeking out his Snickers bars. "Oh, we have a few regular sized ones this year. Did you keep track of who gave them?"
"Yes, I did, like I do every year. Now give me the antidote." Harry held out his hand.
"It's in the bathroom, on the sink." Severus was busy separating out what he considered the good candy versus bad. "When do the Weasleys arrive tomorrow?" He still couldn't call them Ron or Hermione, but Harry only saw them once a month, if that.
"After lunch but before tea, I don't want them staying long, so told them we have a dinner engagement with Draco. Draco backed it up when Weasley asked him while we were at the Ministry." Harry entered the kitchen. "So what did we get?"
"We got 5 regular sized Snickers, 52 mini ones, 6 regular sized M&M's and 59 mini packages. I will put the good candy in the hidden candy dish while the bad candy will go into the Weasley candy dish."
"Good. Hermione ate my M&M's last year. Ron tried to grab a Snickers."
"Why do you think he was sick for a week? I saw." Severus had given the moron a flu potion for touching his Snickers.
"That is one of the reasons why I love you." Harry kissed Severus. "You protect our horde of candy so well."
Part 3:
"No, no, no. I'm not even sure how you arrived at me being the one to tell him and getting him to agree. You know how I feel about dances, masks, and everything else. He is ten times worse than I am." Severus shuddered at the idea.
"He will do it if you ask." Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling.
"No, he won't. You remember what happened last time you tried to get him to a dance? You were in the Infirmary for a week. You promised no more dances in exchange for whatever he did to you to be fixed." Severus had to promise a few things to Harry to find out what he used on Dumbledore.
"And I'm not even going to hint at it with my husband. You also know we do the Samhain Rituals that night. Honestly, Albus, you do this every year." Minerva resisted the urge to roll her eyes.
"Me either. We also attend the rituals. I can't image what Lucius would do if I suggested we attend a Mask instead of honoring Lady Magic."
Poppy wisely put a hand over Granger's mouth before she opened it. Dumbledore looked at the three staff members who voiced their objections to his idea of a Halloween Mask. "What about the students? They would love it. Yes, the feast is always wonderful, but a Mask would be so enjoyable."
Mrs. Hermione Granger-Weasley looked annoyed that this idea was being rejected. "They would. We have a lot of interested students." Dumbledore's biggest and only supporter in Hogwarts always came up with ideas that Dumbledore would love.
"They are more than welcome to attend the rituals, but Albus is the one who stops them from attending if they don't have their parents' special permission." Minerva took a sip of her tea to cover her smirk. She and a few others of the staff members made sure the parents got the special permission slips.
"Indeed. The only ones who don't attend are just a few of the muggle-born first years." Severus knew that had a lot to do with Harry visiting the parents and speaking to them. The ones who didn't attend were ones that Granger had originally visited to inform them they were wizards or witches.
Narcissa refilled their teacups. It was always Minerva, Severus, and her versus Granger and Dumbledore when it came to almost everything. Dumbledore had lost a lot of his power but Granger and the Weasley family still didn't want to admit that the man had been ruining magic. Tom, Lucius, and Harry kept the man from having any voice in the government and got him removed from the Board. "Yes, we are expecting a bigger turnout this year for Samhain and Yule. Many of the parents are eager to attend both rituals. Mr. Smyth was telling me that they had to stock more books about our culture."
"I'm sure I can talk Harry into it, and if I can, everyone will attend." Granger smugly informed them.
Severus and the rest refrained from laughing and commenting.
"Albus, where is Hermione? Her classes start in five minutes."
"I'm afraid you will need to find someone else to handle Mrs. Granger-Weasley's class. She is in my Infirmary looking like a cross between a donkey and some type of pink elephant." Poppy loudly announced. She knew the students were sick of hearing her rant at Harry about the Mask.
"I warned her that he wasn't a morning person." Severus poured himself another cup of tea. "She showed up as I was leaving for my first session."
"He was very tired when he left our quarter's last night. The three of them were working on that new bill, and I knew Lucius didn't come to bed until after midnight."
"Tom was in bed around 2. They said they got it almost finished."
"Harry said they only needed to speak to Amelia, and we plan on leaving for the weekend." The three knew when they started talking about the work Tom, Lucius, and Harry were doing Dumbledore would leave, and he did. "I hope he doesn't try and get Harry to change his mind."
Poppy inhaled, slowly exhaled. "I would like to have one Halloween where those two didn't end up in my Infirmary for annoying someone."
Part 4:
"Remind me again why you keep working at Hogwarts?" Harry was sitting at his desk.
"I happen to like teaching."
Harry started laughing. "Try saying it again, I might be able to keep a straight face."
"Harry!" Severus huffed. "Fine, I don't want to lose my pension. I have almost 25 years here, and I'm not going to lose it because Albus might toss a fit if I quit and tell the Board he fired me." Harry started saying some very unpleasant things in parseltongue about Dumbledore. "No, you can't have Poppy slip him some potions into his lemon drops." Harry arched an eyebrow. "Fine, you could. That woman does anything you ask. However, please don't. He is almost out of here."
"Yeah, but he still has Granger and Weasley here. Can't I slip them some potions? Please? It's almost Halloween and they will ruin our day if they get the chance."
"True. Granger almost ate my Snickers bar just the other day in the staff room. I put down to get my tea, and when I turned around she had it in her hands." He knew she was Granger-Weasley, but calling her Granger annoyed her.
"She stole my M&M's when she was at the Ministry. Weasley was turning in his notice. I still can't believe Dumbledore got him hired as the new Flying Instructor. Hooch didn't want him. "
"Candy thieves." Severus' eyes light up. "How about we teach them not to steal our candy? They like to stick their hands into our candy jar when they visit."
"They don't take "sorry I'm busy" as an excuse any longer. She actually ignored me saying it last week, and that is why they showed up for dinner."
"Why do you think they were sick the next day?" Severus sighed, he had to tell Harry. "I have some bad news."
"No, they aren't coming here tonight. We can head to the Manor right now." Harry jumped up, heading for the fireplace.
"Relax, they aren't coming. Dumbledore announced today, in the staff meeting, that he is moving the Halloween Feast to the 30th, and expects all of us to attend in a theme costume he has selected. He won't tell us what the theme is."
"Merlin, no!" Harry knew what type of theme costumes Dumbledore would pick out. Before Severus could explain further, the floo flared to life.
"Severus! Harry!" Lucius' voice filled the room.
"We're right here, Lucius." Severus stepped into Lucius' line of sight.
"We need to talk. May we step through?"
Harry nodded his agreement, and Severus allowed entrance. Lucius, Narcissa, Tom, and Minerva entered the room. "Dumbledore has plans for us on Halloween." Tom took his normal seat on the couch.
"Severus was just informing me."
"He doesn't plan to let us know what we will be wearing until an hour before the feast. However, I spiked Mrs. Granger-Weasley's tea this afternoon. They are planning on having all of us show up as some children's cartoon shows characters while they come as a royal court." Minerva was fuming. "He wants me to be some feline called Hello Kitty."
"Severus to be Sponge Bob, Harry has Barney a purple dinosaur. Lucius and I are to be something called Power Rangers."
"An hour before the feast?" Harry looked at Tom, they exchanged a smirk.
"Where is Albus?" Pomona looked around at the feast. "Also, Hermione and Ron are missing."
"I'm sure they will make an appearance, after all, it was their idea to change the dates." Queen Minerva gave the students a royal wave.
"They have to attend they provided us with our costumes." King Tom passed his wife a glass of wine. "Prince Harry, I'm delighted you could attend."
"I wouldn't have missed it, your Majesty."
Dumbledore, with a very angry Granger and Weasley, arrived. Their outfits had them looking like the baby cartoon snakes, with baby rattles attached to the tail. Slytherin House cheered, as the Lions looked confused. "I know you and Tom did something to get us these outfits. What did you do?" Severus was dressed as Merlin.
"What do I get if I tell you?"
"Your way with me for the weekend." Severus ran a hand down Harry's leg and caressed Harry's leg with his fingers on the way back up.
"Every weekend until Yule."
"Deal." Severus knew they each had won on this deal.
"He forgets Tom and I own the Castle, we can override every ward, and being parsetongues we prevented them from transforming anything else into a costume. The rest of their clothing, Dobby took care of."
Part 5
"NOOOOO! Please!" Harry was hiding under the covers.
"Harry, you have to get out of bed." Severus, while in agreement with Harry, knew it wouldn't work.
"They might not look up here." Harry was trying to new avoidance tactic.
"Harry, as much as I agree with you, Albus invited us to this new Halloween brunch before anyone realized what he was doing. Even Minerva wasn't aware of it, otherwise, she would have warned us." For the past few years, Dumbledore had been trying to get all the staff and their spouses or significant other to meet for a Halloween brunch to unify the staff. It hadn't worked for the last five years. This year it was the same day as the Halloween Feast. The Granger-Weasleys had asked for the night off, as Ron wanted to go trick or treating like a real muggle, with his niece.
"They will be here." Harry hated Hermione and Ron visiting their house. Hermione always picked apart how they had set up the furniture and where they had their bed. It wasn't Feng Shui something, it didn't flow smoothly either.
"I'm aware, and I am prepared." Severus still wasn't sure how he got conned into hosting it this year. They had managed avoid being invited the last few years. Actually, from what he heard only the Weasleys, Lupins, and Dumbledore ever attended.
Harry peeked out at Severus. "Bad candy dish?"
"Ready, I do hope they want to be pink crayons for Halloween."
"Dull tip?"
"Yes, on both of them, the crayon wrapper will also be ripped in some places, perhaps mention to Draco and a few Aurors what they will be this Halloween."
"Oh, Ron already as three warning and failed the health exam this year. He is to go on a diet."
"So he will be craving more candy than normal." Severus stepped into the bathroom, going to their hidden potion cabinet and pulled out a few more potions. "I believe he likes anything we put on the table?"
"Yes, same with Hermione, she will take a bit of everything to be polite. We just have to warn our friends. What potion?"
"A time delayed drunken one, I will key it to go into effect an hour after the costumes."
Draco was taken pictures, while Neville was laughing as Dean and Seamus were wrestling Ron Weasley to the ground, and trying to cuff him. Ron kept rolling away, as they were on a small hill. He had managed to scream a few things at Dean before Seamus silenced him. They didn't want to hit him with a stunner and have him roll down the hill and into the water since the bridge to Hogwarts was at the top of the hill.
Hermione was weaving a bit as Kingsley was trying to read her rights to her. She barely had any crayon wrapper left on her after she and Ron had started a brawl in the center of Hogsmeade. When the Aurors had shown up the two of them started running up the hill to Hogwarts, while their niece was now crying for her parents.
Once Ron and Hermione were carted away, with Bill showing up to claim his daughter, Draco and Neville looked through the photos. "I think the whole series." Neville couldn't pick out the best one.
"I agree. Dumbledore is going to have a fit. Rita was writing up a storm as Granger was swearing in the village."
"I saw. I bet she was here to witness their arrest."
Harry bounced onto the bed. "Sev, you have to see the paper."
"Harry, it's to ear-wait, paper?"
"Yes, they made the paper."
Severus sat up and together they watched the pictures a few times as it showed Granger swearing up at wizards about their ignorance, while Ron was stuff his face with the candy out of his niece's pumpkin. The next few pictures showed the pair running away from Aurors, and how their costumes barely remained on. "You know, we have to aim higher next year. Ruin them totally."
Harry had never and would never forgive Dumbledore and his little pawns for the hurt they had dished out to him. "I have an idea for next year."
Part 6
"Please!" Severus leaned against the bathroom door.
Harry finished brushing his teeth. "No."
"Please, it won't hurt that much." Severus gave him his pleading face.
"No."
Harry didn't even look. He moved into view the mirror. "Please, I promise."
"No." Harry turned around. "No." He headed to the wardrobe.
"Please, it won't last long."
"No, Severus, I'm not poisoning Ron for eating your Snickers. You wouldn't let me do it to Hermione, so no."
"We can do them both." Severus arched an eyebrow. "It will just make them sick a few days. I will even provide Poppy with the remedy by the weekend." He didn't say which weekend.
Harry turned to face him. "Something that will make them hate chocolate?"
"Oh, I know just the one."
"Fine, I will do it. Ron is expecting me for lunch. I will give them some of those chocolates that Dumbledore keeps trying to pass to us. That stuff is nasty but those two love it."
"They have no taste that is why, except for when they keep stealing our candy."
"They take it because they believe they can do whatever they want with my stuff." Harry tried to for years to keep them from going into this trunk at Hogwarts, until he learned parselwards, that had finally stopped them. "I would put up parsel wards on our candy, but since you don't speak."
"Maybe ask Bill about a modified ward for our candy?"
"I will. Now, let go and fix those chocolates."
"No, Albus." Poppy was running some scans on Hermione and Ron.
"Why?" Dumbledore was cleaning up his robes after Hermione graced him with her lunch.
"Because I told you, I don't know what is wrong." Poppy huffed, she knew what was wrong but she was frankly hoping the three of them might learn a lesson.
"Why?"
"Albus, I'm a medi-witch, not a healer. I am used to dealing with children, and stabilizing until we can get anyone injured to St. Mungos. They are stabilized, and without knowing what is wrong, I can't heal them. It's been three weeks. The Halloween Feast is tonight, I will need the beds for the students who will surely overeat."
Ron selected at that minute to show Albus just how unwell he was. "See they can't keep anything sweet down. So stop giving them chocolate and those blasted lemon drops."
Part 7
"Harry, did you bring me some Snickers?" Severus was reading his newest potion magazine. They had escaped Hogwarts this year since Halloween was on a Saturday.
"Yes, I went out on a reap and got this old lady who gave me a few of them. She thought I was wearing a Halloween Costume." Harry removed his Master of Death cloak. He dumped a few Snickers on the table. "I told Death and the rest of the reapers to give a stay to anyone gives Snickers or M&M's for Halloween."
"When can you collect Granger?" Severus gathered his precious Snickers, walked them to the kitchen. He summoned their good candy dish. He added them to their stash, keeping one out for himself.
"Not for a few more decades, though it might be a lot soon for the pair of them if keep stealing our candy. I would have thought they learned to avoid chocolate after last year."
"Hot chocolate?" Severus started the kettle, knowing the answer even as he asked.
"Yes, with mint?"
"I already grounded up the mint candies." Severus held up the baggy of crushed mint candies. "I raided Dumbledore's stash after added the medicated lemon drops to his dish." Everyone was now well aware of Dumbledore's medicated lemon drops. So now the man offered mint candies, which Severus and Harry found to be a great addition to hot chocolate.
"You might need to up the dosage. He actually tried to get me to agree to host the Yule staff dinner."
Severus summoned a calendar, started counting the years. "Not our turn for another three years and I know we can delay that when the new staff starts."
"Good. So what did you do to Granger and Weasley this year? They were too quiet."
"Nothing." Severus saw Harry give him the "I don't believe you" look. "Fine, I just happened to mention that their daughter started this year and how it would be a shame if their daughter discovered the old Snape."
Harry laughed, he knew that Severus wouldn't do anything to Rose Weasley but Hermione and Ron still didn't believe in a reformed Severus Snape, not that his Sev was reformed. Severus was still Severus, he just wasn't a spy any longer.
Part 8
Severus heard the door slam into the wall signaling that Harry was home and in a rotten mood. He knew who put him in the mood too.
"Trouble?"
"That is it. They stole my lot of candy today. Granger saying she was craving it, while Weasley went on about sympathy cravings."
"Ah, yes, her latest pregnancy. She has gained a bit of weight." Severus folded his newspaper.
"She isn't pregnant. The candy thief found that out right before I left the Ministry." Harry had gone to the Ministry to speak to Madam Bones about some of the new bills he had questions on.
"I see." Harry was carrying a bag of groceries and headed for the kitchen. Severus followed. "What are you making for dinner?"
"I'm not. Take away will have to do. I plan on making some things that hopefully will cure them once and for all."
"Oh, what items?" Severus watched Harry remove some items he wasn't sure he had ever eaten.
"Caramel covered onions, chocolate covered Brussel Sprouts. Those little containers have lava worms, fire ants, and spiders that I will be covering in chocolate. I plan on dying the asparagus, some will be red, some will be black."
"Ah, they got into Draco's red string vine licorice."
"Yes. Granger started crying because she realized her "slight" weight gain isn't because she was pregnant. Weasley gave her a cupcake that Luna had been saving for the end of the day."
"I see."
Severus was sitting on the stone wall, thankful for warming charms, when he saw Granger and Weasley yelling at each other. He cast a listening spell. "I didn't know."
"You ate three of them and didn't realize they were caramel covered onions, Ron! Three, I only took a bite because I thought they were apples."
"Maybe you shouldn't keep trying to steal my food." Ron stormed away.
"Steal your food? That was in the staff room." Granger screamed at the retreating form of her husband.
"You stole the box of chocolates! I saw you put them in your huge purse." Weasley had turned to scream at his wife some more, but saw the hex coming and dove out of the way. Students started laughing as Weasley was now face down in the rear end of a snowman they had been building.
"So?" Harry looked at Severus.
"Very well done." Severus closed his book, leaned down to kiss his husband. "Hopefully they have learned their lesson."
"I doubt it, but I'm sure we can find more ways to fix them."
"Indeed. Now about my Halloween treat."