Prologue:
It may look like an innocent little shaker on the outside. But on the inside is a deadly malice growing stronger with each passing day. (Insert name of the deity you worship) help whoever unleashes its wrath.
Chapter One:
Ronald Weasley is your average Joe. He has a job, a wife, and a small house. Life couldn't get any better than that. But one day a great evil entered his life and everything was forever changed. Here is his story:
The Attack of the Salt Shaker-
Ron got off early that day, a special treat from his boss for keeping quiet about the "pancake problem."
As Ron accidentally discovered the poor man was heavily reliant on pancakes to give him that extra buzz. Sometimes he even dabbled in dealing, but only when Ihop needed a temporary waiter.
So in exchange for his silence Ron was given two choices. Either a coupon book for Ihop or an early day, but he still made the money for how many hours he missed by leaving.
Of course Ron picked the latter, he decided he could use it to get home early so that he could prepare a romantic dinner for his and Hermione's second anniversary. He had it all planned, a romantic dinner by candlelight, perhaps a stroll along the beach several blocks away afterwards.
She would be so surprised seeing as she thought Ron had forgotten. Not once that morning over breakfast did she wish him a happy anniversary. Which was all good in his book because now he had the chance to surprise her something fierce.
As he entered the room in which people disapparated from he should've remembered the fortune cookie form lunch. He should've taken heed when the little slip of paper told him that "Salt kills". But no, he had just laughed and tossed it in the trash unaware how true that statement would seem in the dark hours to come.
With a loud pop he apparated inside his kitchen. Outside the sky was beginning to darken with large storm clouds.
"Looks like the beach will have to be cancelled," he told himself, hanging his coat up in the broom cupboard sitting in the corner of the fairly medium sized room. You could probably squeeze in two partly grown erupments before it split at the seams.
As he shut the broom cupboard his eyes were drawn to the spice rack. He couldn't guess why but he supposed his body was taking over automatically and the cooking would be done in no time.
The salt shaker stood out from all the other little bottles. It seemed to be alive. But that was absurd. Salt shakers weren't alive.
"And watch out for salt shakers. Dangerous little buggers. The whole lot of them." His mother's warning rung in his ears.
Ron laughed at this silly superstition turning away from the spice rack. Again he forgot the fortune cookie's warning. Salt kills.
First, Ron decided he was going to make mashed potatoes seeing as he had seen Hermione do it loads of time. It would be a cinch.
Step one: Hermione said it was always important to become the potato. That way your own personal good energy would negate any bad energy that had been infused with it at the super market.
Ron picked up one of the lumpy brown roots and held it tight in his hand. "Become the potato," he muttered, imagining himself in a potato costume doing to the electric slide. He found the image so amusing that he gave up trying to become a potato. Besides he didn't want to be all fat and lumpy.
Step two: Peel the potato. But be gentle and only think good thoughts as you do it.
Ron pulled out his wand and magically began to peel the bowl of potatoes. As he did his thoughts wandered back to the salt shaker. Daring a look at it he was almost knocked flat. It was glaring at him decisively, a grin spreading across its glassy surface. At least it would've if it had a face. What Ron got was a feeling of menace.
He thought about salt shakers attacking him for the rest of the time that he peeled potatoes. Which was approximately three more seconds.
Step three: Boil water.
He brought a medium sized pot over to the sink and filled it up .6384 of the way full. Then he brought it over to the stovetop and placed it on a hot burner.
Then he sat down and watched. And watched. And watched. Nothing was happening.
"Will you hurry it up?" he asked it politely trying to avoid the gaze of the salt shaker sitting there all innocent like in the spice rack.
The water bubbled once in response. Impatient Ron pulled out his wand and pointed it at the pot.
"Incendio," he said. A blue flame shot from its tip and slammed into the bottom of the pot. The water instantly began a rolling boil.
Step four: Cube the potatoes and cook them in now boiling water.
This went surprisingly well given that Ron had never cooked before in his life. Actually he had but we don't talk about that. We'll just say that Hermione couldn't look at box cake the same way again.
Step five: Mash the potatoes.
Ron had fun with this one. He pulled out the masher and pretended he was smashing Malfoy's head. Nothing was left afterwards but a pot of mush. Ron's smile was one of peace, harmony, and morbid pride.
Step six: Add butter, milk, and salt.
Ron added the butter and milk without any thought but when it came time to add the salt Ron was rather reluctant.
He reached cautiously for the shaker. It just sat there placidly, biding its time.
Ron took it over to the pot and shook just a few sprinkles of salt into the mush. Instead the cap flew off and the entire shaker emptied into the mashed potatoes.
Ron glared at the shaker but it looked perfectly innocent. "You nasty little bugger," he muttered setting it on the counter to await its refill.
He went back to the mashed potatoes and stared at them. They were bound to be salty now. Something he had learned a long time ago popped into his head. Water dissolves salt. So if he added a bit of water the salt would disappear.
Eagerly he filled a cup with warm water and emptied it into the mashed potatoes. They looked a bit worn and watery afterwards but Ron was sure they were still edible.
Then his attention turned back to the salt shaker but it ignored his gaze.
"You are so going down," he threatened it. "I'm going to call my mate Harry down here. He'll know what to do with you. On second thought I'll invite Ginny as well. You don't want to be on the receiving end of one of her jinxes."
The next door neighbour looked up from her gardening and watched as Ron continued to converse with the salt shaker. She just shrugged her soldiers, saying something about kids these days. Too many blue M&Ms, that was the cause of all this madness.
Ron contacted both Harry and Ginny begging them to help set up the dinner. He told them he was helpless when it came to cooking, which was true, but in actuality he didn't want to be alone with a psycho salt shaker.
A/n: Mwahahahaha! Don't worry there shall be a new chapter soon!