Breathe, baby, breathe...
Chapter One
When Loki Laufeyson met Tony Stark, the son of his father's business partner, he thought all his prayers had been answered.
Tony Stark corresponded to all his secret desires and more. He couldn't believe his eyes.
Loki was the youngest (and most frail) son of a wealthy banker from the west coast. Loki was born and bred elite but he barely fitted in. He had two older brothers that didn't have a tenth of Loki's intellectual capacities but had tremendous skills where American football was concerned.
For the people of their world, sometimes that was all that mattered and so they were the darlings of their parents.
Loki was just the nerd. Not that he couldn't be helpful and that his brilliance was not repeatedly appraised by his peers, he only came second. Or at least, that was how he felt.
Worse, he had a terrible asthma that sometimes made him feel like he was going to die. It had been hell as a child but now, as a teenager, it had calmed down. Yet, it was still a painful hindrance for any kind of physical activity.
He had more or less accepted it. Actually, whether he accepted it or not was secondary. There was nothing he could do right now to change it. He hoped to be quickly independent and to start his own business in top engineering, to build an empire all of his own, fit to rival his father's.
But it would be long before he could do that.
In the meantime, he saw his brothers indulging themselves in competitions, victories followed by orgies with their team which were not alcohol-free most of the time and where female company was abundant.
It was quite normal for Loki to glimpse the chaos in both his brothers' room as well as the stench and to help a lost girl with big boobs, blond hair, a bad hangover and not much maturity to find her way to a cab and go home.
He envied those girls and their easiness, he envied his brothers' popularity only because it allowed them to meet those kind of girls. He knew deep inside that it wouldn't last and that, one day, his brothers would become fat and bitter, being dutifully married to the correct person, having bred the expected two children and doing a proper job at Daddy's bank.
Like so many, they would wake up one morning, wondering where did their youth go. Maybe Loki would do the same but not without a fight.
Yet one day, when Loki was finishing high school, one of the less brilliant-minded of his brothers' crowd brought a dvd of gay porn, just to have a laugh. Loki was absolutely disgusted by the vulgar cheering and crude comments the posse made out loud, taking advantage of Loki's parents' absence.
It was outrageous. He wanted to tell them that if they were interested by this kind of movie, they should seriously question their sexuality. Yet, he was outnumbered and would have ended locked out, naked and cold in the swimming pool for all the neighbors to see.
Their idea of a good joke...
And something happened. Something that would change Loki forever.
In fact, his brothers and their dumb friends were having forced and hysterical laughs only because deep down, they were embarrassed. There wasn't much of a plot, like all porn movies, just a story about young cowboys, on their own, in the country.
But each time a sexy scene started and the older cowboy was seducing the younger one, Loki had a jolt that went from his heart, through his stomach to settle on his groin. The older cowboy was a sort of hunk with very dark hair that could be seen on his arms and chest.
Seeing him, Loki wished he was in the younger cowboy's place.
From this moment on, Loki realized he was aware of male bodies. Especially buff ones with black hair.
One of his brothers' friends was a handsome and dark-haired linebacker with a foul mouth. Loki knew he was better seen than heard, having no more common sense than an oyster.
But Loki couldn't help trying to imagine him naked and to touch him.
One of his brothers made him a remark that staring at the handsome (but moronic) linebacker like that was suspicious and rude and Loki endeavored to be more cautious.
He was gay in a house that wasn't very gay-friendly.
It wasn't that his parents and brothers were openly homophobiacs. It was just that it was not their world and it was better far away from them. They simply didn't understand it.
And Loki had absolutely no idea how they would react to the news of their youngest liking men.
Everything happened as Loki was finishing high school.
There was a party for some reason at his father's partner's home. Some good contract or whatever. Loki was there on his own with his parents. His brothers had managed to escape the chore with the excuse of an impromptu training commanded by their coaches. So Loki had to deal with the trial of meeting obnoxious, tasteless businessmen and their vulgar wives, all of them congested with alcohol and talking too loud altogether.
Loki was thinking he should get ready to have a nice little headache before going to bed when he saw him.
He was the same age as Loki but he was already sporting a mustache to match his raven-black hair, similar to Loki's. He looked manly and grown already, contrary to Loki who still felt like an awkward teenager.
He was laughing and chatting easily with everyone. So young and already acting like a man of the world. He was quite the charmer and Loki was already mesmerized. He didn't even try to fight it...
As they were the younger boys, Tony ultimately left his crowd of sexy, but already drunk on martinis, mature women that literally worshiped him to talk to Loki. It was hard to get into a conversation not only because of the noise, but because Loki couldn't help himself following the movement of Tony's cupid bow, still visible under the mustache, as he spoke.
"Boring, huh ? Wanna get out ?" He said, with a dashing smile. Loki silently nodded and followed. Tony could have asked him to jump from a cliff and Loki would have said yes...
Tony invited Loki for a ride in his beautiful new Porsche. Loki was not that much impressed by the car, his brothers had pretty good rides themselves, but he was by the moonlight, the landscape of trees and metal-looking sea, and Tony and his incredible smile, and his incredible hair waving with the wind and his incredible hands on the wheel and wondered what would they feel on his skin...
With Tony, Loki truly felt what desire was. It was a blessing and a burden for Tony would never have any kind of romantic interest in nerdy, skinny Loki...
Loki and Tony started hanging out to everybody's and Loki's amazement. Tony, the local Golden Boy, haunting hip places with Loki-the-geek... Unbelievable.
Loki had the fun of his life. Even if it was in Tony's shadow, following Tony around was a thrill. Meeting important people of their world who wouldn't have even noticed Loki, being listened to, being respected and not tolerated as second best because you are someone's son or brother...
It went on for some weeks. Heavenly weeks that Loki was ready to take as it went. He had fallen in love with Tony.
But, for sure, it was impossible for Tony to ever fall in love with Loki.
Tony was surrounded by girls, women, married or not. Quite like Loki's brothers but, as he had more class and education, Tony's harem was much more sophisticated. Tony's latest girlfriend had been a German supermodel who now worked in Paris and London... Tony's glamorous world blinded Loki.
He had resigned himself to settle down with a one-sided love. It was better than telling Tony all about it and being rejected for good. The very idea of not to see Tony ever again made Loki sick. That was the extend of his infatuation for his golden boy.
Loki was absolutely sure that Tony had absolutely no idea of what was going on with his friend. Loki had learned from the dark-haired linebacker's days that it was better to hide his feelings deep down inside.
But it wasn't so deep that Tony wouldn't guess something. When Loki thought Tony wasn't paying attention, Loki allowed himself to caress his friend's figure with one tiny peek.
Except that ultimately, Tony knew he was doing so.
One afternoon, after school, (as many children from their world, they frequented the same private school), they were alone in Tony's room, listening to Tony's newest sound system and his latest favorite songs. Loki had a beer in his hand (it was Tony who had introduced him to the world of under-aged drinking and he couldn't help feeling both guilty and thrilled by that...) and had his eyes closed against the silk cushions of Tony's sofa.
He was content. He was basking in the comfort of the pillows and the softness of the music. It was simply peaceful and perfect.
Then he felt the brush of lips against his.
He opened his eyes as big as they could. Tony had moved noiselessly without Loki noticing,... He was now crawling near Loki and kissing him.
Loki made a jump. He couldn't be more surprised if the roof had fallen on their heads.
"Wh-What are you doing ?"
Tony made a smile Loki would have recognized if he wasn't in such a state of shock. It was what Tony called his wolf smile, "100% guaranteed to make the broads fall for you !" he used to gloat about it.
"Wanna do it, baby ?" Tony purred. Again it was a tone he used on the girls he tried to seduce (and very rarely failed). Again, Loki was too shocked to realize it.
"D-do what ?" Loki shivered. That was totally unexpected. He wasn't sure of what was going on. He had absolutely no experience in seduction. He was terrified and wanted Tony to stop.
Tony frowned as if Loki's response was not what he expected.
"Hey, baby, relax." He murmured in a way that was supposed to be enthralling but was just scary. "Let Daddy take good care of you..."
Tony tried to reach out a hand to Loki and that was a mistake for Loki felt cornered and trapped. He slapped Tony's hand, got on his feet, grabbed his stuff and ran away as if the house was on fire.
He didn't even know why or what he was running away from like crazy...
Loki felt so very stupid the next morning.
He didn't now what was the most embarrassing. Having left Tony dry or having had unspeakable erotic dreams about Tony and himself the following night ...
Loki was heartbroken for he knew now that Tony wouldn't even acknowledge him. He had spurned his best friend's advances. Loki didn't understand his own attitude. He was in love with Tony for god's sakes ! Why would he be so nervous if Tony was okay about it ?
Yet when Tony had come forward, instead of happiness, Loki had only felt unspeakable terror. Something in Tony's way of seducing him was disturbing and Loki was incapable of saying what it could be.
Whatever. The consequences were the same.
He had lost his best friend by acting like a silly little goose. He was desperate, ashamed and frustrated.
So, at the end of a worrying and stressful day, when Loki received a text from Tony, asking him if he could meet him after class, he thought someone had heard his prayers. Maybe everything would be all right...
Loki was less joyful when he saw Tony's face. Tony was clearly angry. His lips were tight and he had a bad sparkle in his eyes. Loki shivered. Whatever what was going on with them both, it was over now.
"I thought you liked me." Tony started without even greeting Loki properly. His tone was full of resentment.
"I..." Loki didn't know what to say.
"I mean, I like you, you like me. Where's the big deal ?!" His voice went high but not enough so no one would notice they were having a fight.
"I... You like me ?" Loki couldn't believe his ears. His most intimate dreams came true in the worst way possible.
Tony made a pouting face that Loki would have thought funny and childish wasn't he so confused.
"Yep, but apparently you decided to chicken out on me. You are really just a little kid ! I wasted my time on a damn brat !"
That one definitely hurt. Loki prided himself on being more mature and smarter than many of their age. Tony knew it and Loki should have smelled the rat, had he been more calm. Instead, as Tony probably counted it, he flared up.
"I am not a kid !" Loki screamed then lowered his tone, afraid bystanders might hear. "I am just... Just..." He stammered, his mind was a mess. "I am just a bit confused... It happened so fast... I"
He actually did feel childish and stupid now. If only he could think clearly... Tony's anger made him feel guilty. As if he was the one at fault.
" 'I am confused' !" Tony cruelly mimicked. " 'It happened so fast' ! Do you hear yourself ? You sound like a girl !" Tony turned around without a last disdainful glance. "I have no time to lose with girly-girl kids."
Loki heart broke into a thousand pieces. The pain was so harsh he almost stopped breathing.
"Tony ! Wait !" He tried to scream and grab his friend's hand. His throat was starting to burn, acknowledged sign of a coming asthma crisis. Loki hated himself for being so weak and needy but he had to get Tony back.
Hearing Loki's voice growing faint with the lack of air, Tony finally turned around with a very cold eye.
"When you have finally decided to act like a man, you can come to my place."
And with those last words he left Loki. Loki fell on his knees and barely managed to get his breath back.
Loki spent the rest of the day in his room locked and mute, unable to think of something else but his dismay.
Had he been more experienced he would have guessed what was really going on. But being so unaware of the ways of the world and having led a rather sheltered life so far, Loki couldn't see through the schemes of the one he thought to be his friend.
The only thing he could see was that he was losing Tony. He wasn't thinking about the lifestyle and consideration he was getting from their relationship, it was not much of value in Loki's eyes, but the only opportunity he had to see and talk to his loved one daily he feared to lose. He had given up the hope of ever seducing Tony and now all his desires could be either fulfilled or taken away at once... He only had a vague idea of what Tony wanted from him. But he wasn't sure if he wanted it to or not...
The day was passing by and he couldn't make any decision.
When he finally took the road to Tony's place, it was out of habit. He was still lost.
Tony opened the door but he still had his stern face. He was looking at Loki the same way his brothers did the last time he tried to tell his parents he had won the first place in almost every topic in class. With disdain and boredom. It broke whatever was left of Loki's heart.
"Yeah ? What ?"
If Loki wasn't so in love he would have said to this rude bastard to stuff it where the sun doesn't shine. But now, he was nothing but a heap of emotional jell-o. These cold words would have been enough to make him drop on his knees and beg for forgiveness. The worst was that he had no clear idea about what he had done to deserve this treatment.
"So ? What do you want ?"
Loki made an embarrassed smile, the "please-don't-hurt-me" kind that made the corners of your mouth twitch painfully.
"Are your parents out ?" Loki softly asked.
Tony had invited him to his bedroom. Loki knew the way as he had come many times for a reason or another. Tony was indeed alone. Loki had seen Tony's parents only on one occasion. Mrs. Stark was rather nice but clearly stuck in the same addictions as the other married women Loki knew. Mr. Stark was simply a very cold and indifferent person. Loki couldn't believe he was almost sorry they were not present.
For the first time, Tony's room didn't feel like a haven of peace and friendship, it felt like a trap.
If Tony's intentions weren't totally clear at first, seeing him starting to undress made them crystal-like. Loki found it weird that he had to turn his back on Loki to do so.
He kept his pants, turned around and gave Loki a surprised look.
"What are you waiting for ? Get naked !"
Tony laughed as if Loki was goofing around. Except that the latter just wanted to disappear in the room's floor for shame. Getting naked ? Tony had a perfectly sculpted torso, almost like a model while Loki still looked like an unfinished teen. How could he compare ? How could Tony be attracted to him ?
His face red hot, he complied nonetheless. Anything to please Tony, to make him happy...
Even if Loki felt as if his own needs, his dignity and reserve were trampled upon.
He was naked and spreadeagled on the bed.
Tony was looking at him. More than that, he was detailing him. Loki felt so exposed and vulnerable he was starting to panic. He was not ready for this and he was indeed forcing himself but the fear of losing Tony was stronger than anything. He was cold but did not dare to complain.
Tony was not even touching him, he was staring. Not with disdain but... in a detached way. At one point he gently patted Loki's thigh to make him open his legs a little bit more to inspect the middle. Loki complied but he was mortified. He didn't feel like a lover admired by his beloved...
Rather like a sack of meat considered by a client...
"You're thinner than I thought..." Tony murmured absentmindedly.
As if Loki was not in the room. At this point, he was more or less conscious that the only intelligent thing to do would have been to grab his stuff, get dressed and get out of here for good.
But Loki was in love, unsure of himself and ready to do anything stupid...
Then, once he considered himself sufficiently satisfied with his inspection, Tony asked Loki to turn around. That helped Loki to hide his burning face on a fresh pillow. He heard a sharp noise, like the lid of a tube being pulled out then set back into place. Loki had no idea of what Tony could ever be doing.
Then he felt an intrusion that made him gasp brutally. Tony just soothed him by a hand on the back of the neck but didn't stop from prodding with his fingers. Loki didn't like it, it felt weird and his body resisted. It wasn't exactly painful but it was making him uncomfortable...
"What are you doing ?" Loki breathed.
"Something to loosen you up..." Tony said without much explanation.
Loki realized that Tony was fingering him. Loki would have wanted him to stop but he felt really heavy and numb. It was easier to let him do whatever he wanted than try to escape it.
"I think you are ready." Tony said after an awfully long moment. Loki wondered what he was supposed to be ready for and how could Tony know if he was or not ?
Loki heard the sound of a zip. It was the scariest sound ever to him. Something in his throat was stuck. He wanted to say that he didn't want any of that, not like this anyway, but the burn was back and if he tried to talk, he would start to choke on his own breath.
Before he could think of anything, he felt something was penetrating him and a sharp stab of pain as Tony slowly took him. Loki felt his eyes about to burst into tears.
It wasn't painful but certainly humiliating. Loki felt the tears falling with each of Tony's movements. Tony was not brutal, rather gentle but he could have been masturbating for all Loki felt. It was as if he was the only one indulged in the act. To Loki, being taken felt as pleasurable as if he had put his finger in his nose or his ear. Aside from feeling the intrusion, there was nothing else.
He just hoped Tony wouldn't notice he was shedding silent tears.
Tony came with a grunt and remained a little dizzy and motionless after that. He was still in Loki but the latter didn't care anymore. It gave him time to wipe his face.
"That was great." Tony murmured. "You ?"
Loki simply nodded. Unable to do otherwise.
The rest came fast. After a rather hasty kiss, Tony told Loki to get home before the Starks would arrive. He could take the limo.
Inside the car, Loki was numb. Luckily, he didn't cry again for he didn't want any remark from the chauffeur. But the way home seemed longer than ever.
Only once Loki was alone in the safety of his bedroom that he allowed himself to bawl his eyes out as silently as possible. He didn't want his family to suspect anything.
The worst was that he knew that all of this was terribly wrong. Yet, he felt that he would loose Tony if he didn't do it.
For some time, everything seemed to be back to normal. Tony went back to his usual merry self and he dated Loki the exact way they used to. Loki breathed again.
The only discomfort was that sometimes Tony would demand Loki in his bed. And he didn't dare to refuse.
Loki simply clenched his teeth and hid his face not to show Tony how unpleasant it was. In fact, Tony only liked it with Loki on his belly, face on the pillow so he could move all he wanted. They occasionally kissed but they never hugged or caressed each other. Besides, Tony always reminded Loki how discreet they had to be.
During those... "sessions", Loki, again, felt no pain but no pleasure either. He spent the time escaping his body inside his own mind while Tony was coming in and out of it and then climaxing inside Loki.
Once it was done, Loki had to smile and kiss Tony and tell him how good he was.
It went on for a couple of months. Loki persuaded himself that there was nothing to be done. He lived for the moment even if those moments were heavy on his mind.
Luckily, as Tony got a few more exams, the sex sessions got rarer. But the dating sessions did too and it was excruciating for Loki.
But, once again what could he do ? Tony had a life and so did Loki as Tony liked to remember him often. Except that now Loki's life was quite full of Tony Stark and his own scholar results were suffering from it.
But Loki had no strength to do better.
Then, one day, Tony told Loki he had to go on a trip for a few days. Loki was strangely both sad and relieved. It gave him time to focus on something else than his obsession for his friend.
They parted as such, Tony gave him a fond smile and a handshake. No more, no less as he stepped inside the limo, waving goodbye.
Loki remained on the sidewalk and, like that, Tony was gone.
He had not once told Loki if he loved him or not, nor where their strange relationship would lead them.
Days passed without any news from Tony. Loki tried not to mind. Tony had told him he would be very busy in Europe following his parents through that boring tour of theirs. In a way, it wasn't so bad. Loki was back on his usual routine and it did him some good. It gave him also time to try and decipher what happened between him and Tony. He guessed things could not go on like that eternally. They had to have a serious conversation as soon as Tony got back.
Tony was gone for a few weeks. That day, Loki went down to have breakfast with his mother. His father had brought his brothers early for an important training or whatever. It had been a long time since they've been together. He had affection for her but he didn't trust her enough to confide in her about all that happened to him lately. She really thought gay and lesbian people were under some sort of delusion that psychiatrists could heal.
She was reading the morning papers as she greeted her son, finding him too skinny once again. She had the feeling something was amiss with him but it was hard talking to him. Sometimes it felt as if she had given birth to an alien. That strange child of hers she didn't understand... She sighed. She looked at him making his usual buttered toast. It was easier when they were all babies she thought once again. Their needs were annoying but much more simpler to satisfy.