It was late at night as Adam made his way through the living quarters of the Galaxy Garrison. The hallways were dimly lit, indicating that everyone was supposed to be in their dorms for the night. Despite his rank, being out this late at night without authorization could still get Adam in trouble, but that didn't matter to him. This was something he needed to do, and tonight would be his last chance. Luckily, he was on one of the higher floors, and patrols mainly focused on the first few levels where new recruits and cadets were housed.
As he came upon the correct room, he pressed the doorbell next to it. He waited a moment, looking down the hallway in both directions before pressing it two more times. Adam waited patiently as he heard shuffling behind the door before it finally opened. Shiro stood there on the other side of the door, his eyes weary with sleep and his hair messy and sticking up in places. He was dressed in a pair of light grey sweatpants and a white tank top that hugged his chest.
As he came into view, Adam hung his head in shame and embarrassment, awkwardly crossing one arm over his chest to grab the other before managing to say, "Hi."
Shiro rubbed the sleep from his eyes, taking in Adam's reserved state, who was still fully dressed in his garrison uniform, "Adam? It's the middle of the night," he said with an inquiring tone, trying to shake the grogginess from being woken up.
Adam made himself look up at Shiro, his chest tightening up in anticipation. It had been days since they last spoke, and that time away had made it harder for Adam to own up to his feelings. But the distance between them had been even more unbearable. So now he found himself here, trying to confront the lesser of two painful experiences, "I know. I just…. I had to see you."
Shiro seemed to think for a moment, considering whether or not he should even let Adam in. He took a deep breath before finally sighing and stepping aside, "Come in."
Adam walked by Shiro into his room, taking his shoes off at the doorway like he usually did when they used to live together. However, in the final weeks before the Kerberos mission launch, Shiro had moved back into his old room. Adam had wanted to savor the time they had left together before he left, but as the inevitable day drew closer, their fights became more frequent and more intense. The blissful final days that Adam wanted to spend with Shiro had instead turned into a painful reminder of the heartache that was waiting for him at the end of it all. Being who he was, Adam couldn't help but fight against that, hoping that just maybe he could convince Shiro to stay. Unfortunately, that was what also drove him away.
With the launch around the corner, Adam didn't want to leave things in such a poor state. He had to see Shiro and reconcile with him on some level. If he didn't, he would probably spend every day regretting it, and Adam had enough regrets as it was. He stood there in the middle of Shiro's living room, shifting uncomfortably on his feet and unsure of what to say, "So… you're going to go?" he asked, referencing the mission in question.
"Adam…" Shiro breathed out in annoyance. If this was how this conversation was going to go he would have to ask Adam to leave. He was so tired of the fighting, and that was exactly where this line of questioning was going to end up.
Adam quickly cut back in, "No! I know…. stupid question. I'm just not really sure what to say," he admitted, scratching the back of his head.
Shiro was a little perplexed by Adam's current state. He usually had two main settings, emotional mess or sarcastic ass. It was a little jarring sometimes, but Shiro had never really minded. Seeing him act with hesitance now made him question what Adam wanted. Shiro crossed his arms and leaned back against the door, keeping himself composed until he could suss out what was going on, "Why don't you tell me why you came over here?"
Adam took a deep breath before starting, feeling like he was being put on trial all of a sudden, "After all the fights, arguments, and just bad stuff these past few days…."
"Adam, I don't want to talk about that stuff anymore," Shiro sighed in frustration. He was glad to see Adam again after their brief separation, but this is exactly why he wasn't too keen on inviting him in.
"And I don't either!" Adam quickly assured him, afraid that this conversation would end before it even started, "That's why I'm here. I'm just…. I'm just tired of it all, and I…" Adam shifted and turned his head away, his cheeks turning red, "Can you stop looking at me?!" he pleaded. Adam rarely showcased this kind of emotional vulnerability, and having Shiro's piercing gaze fixed on him wasn't helping things.
Shiro saw the way Adam withdrew into himself and walked over to him instead of looking away, placing a hand on his shoulder, "Adam," he spoke in a soft, reassuring tone. Adam found himself being drawn in to meet his gaze, finding a sympathetic look on Shiro's face. Shiro could see the timidness in Adam's hazel brown eyes, and it suddenly became clear why Adam couldn't look at him. "Why are you here?" he asked once again, this time in a much more soothing voice.
Adam felt much more secure in the wake of Shiro's comforting presence, making him answer with a brutal honesty that he was usually incapable of around other people, "I just…..want to be with you. Even if you hate me now, I just want to be here with you one more night before you leave. I don't want you to go feeling like we've drifted apart…."
Shiro drew back in slight surprise at Adam's insinuation that Shiro held any hatred towards him. He pulled Adam in for a hug, feeling him quiver in his arms, "Why would you ever say that? I love you. I always will," he declared.
Adam choked back a sob, pulling Shiro tighter into him, "Then why are you doing this to me?" he cried.
Shiro felt a rush of guilt come over him. That was a loaded question if he had ever heard one. He knew this was going to be a painful experience, but it was something that was going to happen eventually. It's the only real comfort Shiro could take out of this whole mess. But to spare Adam's feelings he merely answered, "Because I need to do this for myself." If only that was the whole truth of it.
Adam pushed Shiro away in a fit of anger, his glasses askew and eyes watering from the tears he was holding back, "But we're in a relationship! You can't just make decisions for yourself without me or considering my feelings. I need you here!" Adam cried. He stood there waiting for what Shiro would say, hoping that maybe he would offer some kind of comfort. Hoping that just maybe, he could make the pain stop.
"I'm sorry Adam. I did consider you, and I'm so sorry," Shiro said evenly. Adam felt like he had been punched in the gut. No. Like he had been punched in the gut before that fist tore through his body and ripped out his heart. The offhand way that Shiro basically admitted that he disregarded Adam's feelings brought his whole world crashing down. Shiro was one of the only people Adam found himself trusting at the garrison, or in a long time really. He never let people in ever since the tragedy that befell him years ago. So to have one of the only people he trusted in years do something so cruel to him, it was absolute agony.
Adam gritted his teeth, tears beginning to flow from his eyes as he furrowed his brow in rage. "You're such an asshole Takashi!" he sobbed.
Adam was the only person Shiro knew that could get so angry to the point that he started crying. It was kinda cute, but heartbreaking as well. Shiro smiled sadly at him, "I know," fully aware that this would be the best thing for both of them in the long run. Or at the very least, this would be the best thing for Adam, no matter how much he was hurting right now.
"I meant what I said. If you go on this mission we're not together anymore! I can't keep doing this with you. You know what this means to me!" Adam yelled at him, tears continuing to pour down his face. He couldn't wait for Shiro to come back. Not after everything he had been through. It was just too much to bear, and all too familiar.
"I know," Shiro said again.
Adam could barely handle it. The casual way Shiro was handling his outburst pissed him off so much. He felt like he was going to boil over. Adam wanted nothing more than to scream in his face and ask him why he insisted on doing this, why he was choosing a space mission over his relationship, despite knowing full well that it would be a betrayal to him. That's what he wanted to do, but every single question he could possibly ask was a tired argument they had already had multiple times over. And every time Adam couldn't help but get the sense that Shiro wanted it to end. Not just the arguments, but their whole relationship. And if that was true, this was cruelest way to go about it.
Adam marched over to Shiro and pushed him back against the door, until his back hit it with a slight thud. He punched at Shiro's chest, over and over again as tears poured down his face. Shiro didn't struggle, letting Adam take his frustration and anguish out on his body. He didn't mind. The punches didn't particularly hurt. Adam just couldn't quite get a handle on his emotions, and lashing out physically was the only thing he could manage to do right now. He was mentally drained, and the strength of his punches suffered as a result. It was a futile way of trying to make Shiro share the same kind of hurt that he was feeling. Anything to make him stop acting like it was no big deal. Fighting and yelling? Adam could deal with that. But indifference? Somehow that hurt even worse than Shiro leaving him behind to go on this mission.
After a moment Shiro finally stopped Adam by grabbing his arms and holding them firmly in his grip. Adam struggled weakly to break free, his body exhausted from his emotional episode. He collapsed forward, his head falling into Shiro's chest as his body went limp. Adam cursed out in defeat as he did so, continuing to cry, "You're an asshole Takashi. I hate you. I hate you so much."
Shiro wrapped his arms around him, burying his face in the top of Adam's hair, "No you don't."
Adam moaned out a painful sob. It wasn't fair! How could Shiro always see through him so easily? How could he always tell when he was lying? "I should!" Adam yelled in defiance, "I should hate you for putting me through this," he sniffled, his glasses fogging up as he pressed his face deeper into Shiro's chest, refusing to look up at him as he spoke, "But… you're still my best friend, and I love you. So please just….. just come back okay? Please come back! Because if you die I'm gonna kick your ass!" Even if the heartache was unbearable now, Adam knew he wouldn't be able to handle it if something bad happened to Shiro. So no matter how much it hurt, he needed to console himself with the knowledge that he would at least make it back for him to still be pissed at. He needed to believe that Shiro would make it back so Adam could scream, tease, and make fun of him for going through with this stupid mission.
Shiro cupped Adam's face and lifted his head up so he could look him in the eye. Adam's eyes were red and puffy, his cheeks stained with tears and his glasses foggy and askew. He looked like an absolute mess, and Shiro couldn't help but think about how cute he looked. He kissed Adam on the forehead, dwelling on the sad fact that leaving him behind was the best thing he could do for him. The love, the tears, all of these were things he couldn't allow himself to have ever again.
"I'll come back. I promise," Shiro said, straightening Adam's glasses and brushing away the dried tears on his face. He reached down and grabbed Adam by the hand, leading him away from the doorframe and toward the bedroom, "Come on. Let's go lay down."
Adam let himself be pulled into the room, a warm feeling washing over him as he realized that he would get to spend Shiro's last night on Earth in his embrace. As they entered the room Shiro let go of his hand and climbed into bed. Adam stripped off his garrison uniform, leaving himself in only his dark grey tank top and purple briefs. He took off his glasses too, quickly wiping them clean with the hem of his shirt before setting them on the bedside table. Adam followed Shiro into bed, cuddling up to him and resting his head in the crook between Shiro's chest and his shoulder. He threw his leg over Shiro's, wrapping an arm around him to hold him close, and taking comfort in the steady way Shiro's chest rose and fell with each breath. Adam felt an indescribable peace wash over him, savoring the warmth that Shiro's presence provided. A warmth that ultimately, he would have to let go of. But for right now, he was here, right next to him. He could feel his breath and hear his heartbeat, and that's all he needed in the whole world.
"I don't know how I'm gonna do this without you Takashi," Adam whispered, feeling himself start to drift off.
Shiro ran his fingers through Adam's hair, "You'll be fine. You have our friends on the fight crew, classes to teach, and you're one of the smartest people I've ever met. You'll be fine without me," Shiro stilled, tilting his head to rest against Adam's, "It'd be best for you to put me out of your mind until I come back. After all, I'm a doomed man. I'm not going to be worth much to you in a few years."
"Don't say that!" Shiro gasped in surprise as Adam sat up in a flash, grabbing his arms by the wrists and pining them down next to his head. Adam looked like he was going to start crying in anger all over again, a rush of adrenaline fueling his actions, "Don't you ever talk about yourself like that!" Adam pleaded, a look of anguish gracing his features, "... Not with those words."
"Adam," was all Shiro could manage to say, stunned by Adam's passionate outburst.
Adam sat there in Shiro's lap, keeping his hands pinned to the bed as he spoke with brazen honesty, "I know you're in pain. You're suffering, but you won't let me help you. So the last thing I want to hear from you is how worthless you are. You're the farthest thing from worthless. You're the most important person in my life, so shouldn't that count for something!" Adam yelled. Shiro just laid there, unsure of what to say and totally entranced by Adam's words. "You act like there's no one around to help you. But I'm here. So why? Why won't you let me help!?" Adam squeezed Shiro's wrists tighter, afraid that if he let go of him now he would lose control of the situation. Keeping Shiro pinned like this was the only thing that was keeping him from crying all over again.
As the initial shock of Adam's actions wore off, Shiro recomposed himself, trying not to let his grief show and saying, "That's not a burden you should have to bear."
Adam shook his head, refusing to accept that as an answer, "And you shouldn't have to shoulder it all on your own! I want to spare you of your pain, and ease your despair. I want to be the one that's always there for you, even if we're not together," Adam squeezed his eyes shut to hold back his tears, holding himself there for a moment before looking Shiro directly in the eye and yelling in his face, "So stop talking like you're going to fade away without it meaning anything!"
As Adam screamed at him, Shiro looked up at him dumbfounded. Silent tears began to flow from his eyes, the only indication of what he was feeling on the inside. Adam gasped out in surprise, sitting up and letting go of Shiro's wrists, horrified that he had just made Shiro cry. In all of their time together, he wasn't sure he had ever seen Shiro cry. It just wasn't a thing that happened. Shiro was always the composed one when it came to serious emotions. Sure, he could be playful and even a bit of a horndog sometimes. But when it came to something serious, he never gave any indication of what he was really feeling. The only insight into his deeper emotions that Adam ever got was the occasional sad look on his face.
As tears flowed from his eyes, Shiro continued to speak calmly, "I'm so sorry I hurt you. For putting you through all this. My biggest regret is getting involved in your life and forcing you to suffer through all this heartache. If I hadn't tried to pursue a normal life and be with you, I could have prevented all this pain."
Adam closed his eyes and crossed his arms over his chest, unable to look at him anymore, "Why do you keep saying such cruel things?" It was hard enough to lay out his emotions on the table like this. And it was even harder to see Shiro actually shed tears over the whole situation. But Shiro kept acting like his own life wasn't worth the effort. Like his mere existence was a burden that he placed on others. He had no concept for just how much he meant to Adam, and it tore Adam up inside, "I was a stubborn brat when I first came here. I hated every second of this place. But when I met you…. it's the only time I've felt happy in a very long time. You're the reason I'm still here. You made me stick with it," Adam admitted.
Shiro finally sat up too, resting a hand on Adam's waist to get his attention and looking at him with genuine curiosity, "Do I really mean that much to you?"
Adam opened his eyes to look at him, "Yeah," he nodded, barely able to whisper out his last reply. What he really wanted to say was 'of course you do dumbass!', but he didn't really have the energy for that. This whole experience was so much more emotionally draining than anything he could have ever expected, and it was taking its toll on him. Adam wasn't entirely sure that he wasn't going to cry himself to sleep tonight.
Shiro had stopped crying though, his expression turning to one of joyful sympathy, "That makes me so happy, but It's not fair to stake your happiness on me alone."
Adam leaned forward, pulling Shiro in for another hug and hiding his face away in the crook of Shiro's neck. As he held him tight he mumbled into Shiro's shoulder, "I don't know what else to do."
Shiro wrapped his arms around him, relishing the warmth of Adam's embrace, "You're going to be the amazing man I fell in love with, because you don't need me here to be that man."
Adam let go of Shiro, leaning back to look at his face while his hands rested at his sides, "I don't think I can," he confessed. Shiro was like the sun, burning bright and lighting up the world for all those around him. At least, that's what he felt like to Adam. How could he possibly go on without him? What was he supposed to do without that one shining light that made everyday at the Garrison worthwhile?
As this thought crossed his mind, Adam realized Shiro was right. He was weighing all his happiness on Shiro alone. But how could he not? He had no family left to speak of, and no friends that he was particularly close to. In fact, that was one of the reasons that Adam joined the Galaxy Garrison in the first place. That, and he had a personal stake in joining as well. A driving force that pushed him to be one of the best, but ultimately wasn't enough to fulfill him on a personal level. That's where Shiro came in. Shiro was the only other person who knew why Adam pushed himself so hard, and maybe that was why he came to rely on him so much. He never let others in, but Shiro literally came crashing into his life the day he joined. He was an unstoppable positive force that seemed almost determined to get through to Adam, and like an idiot Adam had to go and fall in love with him. What was he supposed to do without the one person who had literally become his whole world?
Shiro held Adam's hands in his own, "Well I guess you're just gonna have to prove yourself wrong then. You like proving people wrong, right?" Shiro asked with a sad smile. Adam had a stubborn personality. One that thrived on proving that he could do things when others told him he couldn't. While most people thought Adam was a spiteful asshole, Shiro actually admired that quality about him. He never let others tell him what he could and could not do. If someone told him he wasn't capable of something, Adam would go out and do it just to prove a point. Ironically, it was that quality that inspired Shiro to go out on this mission now. And now here he was, trying to inspire the very same quality in Adam that he knew he was already capable of, "Do that for me," Shiro asked of him.
Adam could hardly believe it. Shiro always seemed to have wisdom beyond his years, embracing the challenges life threw at him with a clear head and offering advice to those who seemed overwhelmed by their troubles. It was one of the most amazing and frustrating things about him. How could someone like that even be real?
Adam choked out a laugh, "You always know just what to say, don't you?"
Shiro shook his head, "That's not true at all. I just stumble through life one day at a time," he admitted. Shiro put on a brave face every time he was met with a new challenge or obstacle, keeping his fears and doubts locked away on the inside. He didn't want to burden others with his troubles, so he resigned himself to keep his pain hidden from others. Eventually, it became a habit to do so, and he had ended up keeping his real emotions at bay in everyday life. But every now and then, Adam could pierce through that veil and see the despair that weighed on his soul. And despite that, Adam continued to think the world of Shiro. It confused him, but he never let himself think too much about it. Instead he chose to resign himself to just being happy with Adam, never confronting the reason why he was held in such high regard by someone who could see his deepest flaws.
Adam leaned forward, catching Shiro's lips in a tender kiss. Shiro kissed back, feeling the dampness of Adam's tears on his cheeks as he cupped his face. Adam moaned lightly into the kiss, pulling Shiro in tighter. He savored the taste of his lips, knowing that it may very well be the last kiss they ever have.
As they pulled away Adam rested his forehead against Shiro's. Shiro chuckled lightly, the taste of coffee that had been on Adam's lips washing over his taste buds. Shiro hated the taste of coffee, but right now, it was the sweetest taste in the whole world. Adam didn't notice Shiro's little laugh, or at least he didn't say anything about it. He merely kept his eyes closed and whispered, "I love you,"
Shiro pulled Adam down with him back into bed, settling back into the position they were in earlier before Adam's little outburst. Drained and tired, Adam was quickly falling asleep in Shiro's arms. He clung to him tightly, praying that this night would never end, so that the morning when Shiro had to leave wouldn't come. He wanted nothing more to live in that dream. And Shiro wished that he could do the same. He wished that he could give Adam the comfort and stability that he needed. That they could spend the rest of their lives in sweet embraces like this one. But that too was a dream. All they could do was try to hang on to the last moments of peaceful serenity they had together. Tomorrow, everything was going to change, and in ways neither of them would ever expect.
Before Adam dozed off completely, Shiro rested his head against the top of Adam's. As they drifted off into a peaceful sleep, both happy and heartbroken, Shiro said for the very last time, "I love you too."