Awake and in the wolves' den, Survivor was wandering with his mind. Back and forth from lovemate to lifemate back to lovemate. "I killed her, I let her get killed," he muttered. Of course his mind remembered that one moment in his history he couldn't forget and that haunted his thoughts.
Then he snapped out of it as a familiar she-wolf trotted past. He couldn't help but wonder what Flashfur's elf-bond, his den-mate, was up to. Not too long ago Halfkin had given a disapproving look aimed at him, again, before the hunter wandered off to the Holt. The fact that his javelin remained in the cave only told Survivor he wasn't out hunting. The wolf-talker was angry when he left Survivor alone to his brooding tonight. That was clear in the narrow slitting of the amber eyes, tight line of the mouth and the heavy, long strides away.
Survivor stayed at the cave entrance of the wolves' den. A few of the wolves remained for company as they wandered in and out of their own errands. His dark thoughts of THEN kept his attention from almost noticing Halfkin's return.
'What's he up to?' Survivor wondered with a suspicious dread. Halfkin was grinning as he approached, which was a far cry from how he'd stormed off earlier.
"Ayoah, Survivor. Got some dreamberries to share," he called out in a friendly tone while holding up the small bag.
"What do you want from me?" growled Survivor with slight apprehension. Halfkin being friendly all of a sudden couldn't be good. And sharing dreamberries had 'bad sign' written all over it, especially after his den-mate's stormy leaving earlier this night. Where was the catch here? Halfkin's amber eyes narrowed as he moved to sit down, who left enough room between them to not crowd, and the grin toned down only a little.
"We're going to remember. Otherwise, you'll stay in the THEN," he explained, holding the dreamberries up in a serious offering. The arm holding the small bag drifted to rest on the hunter's knee; the berries catching the eye against tanned skin and black clothes.
Still Survivor wavered between being stubborn and just going along for now. The dreamberries were very tempting, but they still screamed 'bad sign'. His den-mate rarely wanted to enjoy those himself. Even at howls he'd take only a few.
The dreamberries smelled too good for it all to be wasted in Halfkin's stomach, though. So a few heartbeats later Survivor had already eaten the hand of dreamberries offered. He still kept looking at Halfkin to see if he would start talking. Halfkin slowly reached in the bag and ate his own handful of dreamberries. A faraway look crept into his gaze, but he continued to watch Survivor. The grizzled looking elf only had a faint trace of a grin now. A real one.
"You," he said, "are as stubborn as Eyesfire ever was."
"She was not!" Was Survivor's first and hard reply, but only a second after he reversed what he said. His hand dug into the bag in front of Halfkin's knee.
"Okay, she was. But it is none of your business!" Eyesfire was still a touchy point in Survivor's memory. It was her stubbornness that got her killed and he blamed himself for not being a little more stubborn to stop her from going.
"Being friends, yes, my business." Halfkin looked hard at him. His grin became a small frown. "She helped you from this same mood. I did too. Both of you were stubborn then, and we are stubborn now."
Survivor growled and just took another hand of dreamberries. 'Why is he pushing me, I don't want to remember!' Nonetheless, in his memory he went back to the day he sat here, alone, grieving for Softstone. He'd been denning with Halfkin in the wolves' den then, too.
'No, I won't go back!' And he threw himself back to the here and NOW.
"Curse you," he mumbled and took another hand of dreamberries. Halfkin shrugged. The outburst didn't seem to faze the wolf-talker too much.
"What did she say to snap you out of it? I don't recall." And he looked through Survivor in thought with a frown of concentration before shaking his head. Unkempt locks of dark hair shifting.
Survivor looked at Halfkin. 'He really wants me to remember. But I won't! I won't let him make me remember! It's my mind!' He took another hand of dreamberries and returned the stare at Halfkin.
Halfkin seemed to sense the stare, for he briefly actually looked at him rather then through him. He grabbed a few more dreamberries, eating them in silence. Heartbeats passed before he once again turned his attention back. And there was something direct as Halfkin watched.
"Very stubborn. I know that you think of it better then I can. You live THEN all the time. So why aren't you sharing?" And he seemed puzzled. His arm, holding the bag of dreamberries, withdrawing a bit to himself.
"Why do you want me too?" snapped Survivor. 'What's his problem? Why can't I just be who I am, why do I have to do all kinds of stuff. I just want to be left alone!' Survivor reached and took a last hand of dreamberries before turning his back to Halfkin.
"Survivor, you're acting like a cub. Again." One could hear the frown in his voice. "You want to live in a time I rarely remember. So if you're going to remember we are going to do it right!" A rustle and then the dreamberry bag landed by Survivor's right knee; the other hunter's throw accurate enough not to spill the open pouch.
No movement for a long moment. And then Survivor could feel Halfkin move. Sifting closer his den-mate's ribs rested against his own lower back. A supporting touch that allowed him to not look at him if he didn't want to. Other then that Halfkin didn't insist on anything.
Survivor didn't look at Halfkin, but he also didn't start talking. The sack with dreamberries had screamed bad sign and a bad sign it was. Grabbing it he took another hand of dreamberries and filled his mouth. He still wasn't sure why Halfkin had brought the dreamberries, other then to bribe him. Taking another hand he kept quiet, and was wondering how long they would sit like this.
Forever passed. Well, maybe the shadows from moonlight moved half a hand before Halfkin spoke again. His voice slightly muffled from an arm pillow.
"Mother liked Eyesfire. She said anyone who could be more stubborn then herself was trouble. And then Father would laugh." He dropped off to his thoughts, Survivor felt him shift his upper body a bit. There was a soft sigh.
Now Survivor was really confused. Halfkin, talking about the past? That was a first. He really must be serious. But why? Survivor's life was okay; he was used to being alone, in the caves with Stagmark or with Stagmark hunting. Life wasn't so bad. But every time he came across Halfkin he got jumpy because Halfkin wanted something from him. Something he didn't want to give. He just wanted to be left alone and Halfkin should mind his own business.
"She…she was my life," he said very softly, just staring in front of him. The sifting at his back could have been a nod of agreement.
"Mother said the same thing about Father." Silence. "She followed him in death. I miss her." Halfkin sat up enough to reach the bag of dreamberries with a twist of the body, took a few, and settled back again.
"Did you know," his voice gently grinned, "that Mother accused him of leaving for a new hunt without her when he died? Her sadness had an angry laugh, but she still laughed about it."
Survivor let that sink in for a while. Halfkin's father left his mother and she could laugh about it? Laugh about it? Laugh? Death not caused by you could be funny, if it was an accident. A new hunt? Is that where we go to? What if we caused, or didn't stop, someone's death when we could have?
"Your father left your mother. I left Eyesfire…to…die." No tears came, not one drop. It was something he was sure of. He didn't stop her going away during the day while he knew humans were around. It was his fault. There was a brief bark of laughter behind him.
"Eyesfire is never left behind. She usually runs ahead. Almost killed me with heart-stopping, foolish actions sometimes." Halfkin's amusement countered the anger that came in Survivor's voice.
"She ran ahead all right. Into the humans! And I didn't stop her!" Survivor's anger was overwhelming for him and he kept shifting, as if he had to prove it was his fault. The dreamberry sack emptied fast too.
"But," a confused voice behind and down asked, "didn't you love her because she was like that? We knew she was like that. I think it was why you needed her then. She could think and take those risks." The muscles were tensed. Survivor could feel it where Halfkin leaned against him, almost as if his friend were afraid - or angry.
"That doesn't keep me from protecting her," Survivor's reply sounded with frustration. "I loved her for who she was. And the humans took her from me while I wasn't watching! I wasn't watching! It's my fault she's gone!"
Eyesfire… He knew the morning as yesterday. They had been playing all night and she woke up earlier and wanted to get honey for him. He woke up and playfully let her go. He should have kept her there, right there, she wouldn't have met the humans and she would still live.
A shift was all the warning he got for the smack on the back of his head. That and the rude snort a heartbeat after the hit. He knew Halfkin was glaring at him with an amber gaze, if he chose to turn around.
"Clear your head. You miss her. I miss her. She would have hit you long ago and you know it," he said. Survivor rubbed the back of the head with his hand, but didn't turn around. He held up the bag of dreamberries.
"It's empty."
"Like your head," poked his friend. Survivor felt Halfkin turn down his stomach to face the wall again. "And she said I was the single-minded one." The last muttered more to himself and muffled as Halfkin used his arms as a pillow.
"What's wrong with single-minded? Keeps you from thinking too much." The dreamberries were taking effect. Survivor was feeling more relaxed. He felt it, but couldn't stop it. 'Was that the reason for the bag? I knew it was a bad sign.'
"And my head isn't empty. It's got me in it! Or did it get me in it when you hit it?" Survivor looked a bit confused. He was sure that his head wasn't empty. He could think, so there had to be something in it.
Halfkin buried his head deeper in his crossed arms. "You're silly after eating dreamberries. Much better. Not thinking you can sing worse then a preserver like Eyesfire." There may have been a 'thank the High Ones' at the end of that, muffled.
"I can't?" he sounded sad. Survivor had been eating dreamberries with Eyesfire a lot and they had often had singing contests: Who's the worse singer?
"And if you even think about it," Halfkin growled in warning. He suddenly sat up and asked with a verbal grin, "We can play the game you and Mystic did, where you guessed elves." The cub-like excitement at the idea was easily felt, even without eye contact. Survivor sat up a little more and was as excited as Halfkin.
"Why not! You said I was already acting very childish, why not play a childish game?" Survivor stood up and suddenly started to growl.
"No sounds," Halfkin reprimanded with a laugh. He was sitting up and watching, back in the joyful NOW rather then the introspective THEN. It was nice to see the more familiar behaviour in Halfkin.
"But that is all you do!" he slapped his hand to his mouth and tried not laugh. He quickly sat down. "You're next," he said grumbling.
"Do not!" Halfkin got up with only the faintest look of concentration to stand. He thought a moment and then grinned. A fist rested on his hip, looking defiantly at something slightly higher up, and his free hand playing with an object at his other hip. There was even a bit of a smirk.
Survivor was lost. Had he been so long gone he didn't know his own tribe mates anymore. Hip, another hip, playing with an object. Oh. Looking in the sky, had to be him.
"Willowmist!"
Halfkin had to think a minute. The dreamberries had some affect on him it seemed, and he nodded with a grin. Now it was Survivor's turn. Standing up was hard for Survivor; he dazzled and was sweeping through the room like a drunken elf, and with his hands he stacked even more in his mouth. Another tumble and he was back on the ground again laughing in silence. Still he was putting his hand to his mouth and back over and over again.
"Dreamberry? Rock?" Halfkin guessed. Survivor shook a yes, but didn't stop tumbling. He did stop with the hand movements. The cave was spinning and Survivor couldn't be still.
"I loved her! I loved her so much! Why did she leave me behind!" he yelled suddenly. Game forgotten, he didn't care when Halfkin moved to hold him from the side, the concern in gold-brown eyes offering a shoulder to cry on or hit. A comforting growl of words he didn't really hear from Halfkin. A few of the wolves in the cave startled at the yell were watching, waiting.
"I loved her! She was my life, my soul! Do you remember her Halfkin, my den-mate? She came here often! Even before I loved her! This is who she was!" He sent a picture to everyone in the cave, including wolves.
A laughing face, her red hair dancing in the wind and her eyes reflecting fire although they were usually the same colour Halfkin had. Then a picture of a young elf, around the age of soul-searching, with golden-blond hair and the same eyes, the same fire looking eyes.
"Why did they leave me! Why?" he banged Halfkin's shoulder with all his strength bundled up in his hands folded in one first and the next moment he fell to the ground. "Why?" he said, still not crying.
"You're halfway on the last hunt with them," Halfkin said. Tears misted eyes, he sat down and placed an arm around Survivor to pull the struggling form in a sitting position against him.
"Don't leave me, hunt brother. I would miss you. Come back to us and let us be your family," he pleaded. It repeated gently as he tried to rock Survivor.
"Last hunt? Last hunt? It's too early for the last hunt! No hunt now. I won't go anywhere. But they are my life and my soul, they went on their last hunt and my daughter hadn't even hunted before. It was her first and with that her last. I miss her even though I never met her. She left a hole in my soul and it was never filled, never filled." Survivor leaned against Halfkin and he sounded like an elf gone mad, his breath was heavy and he had a hard time with it. But never did he cry, not one tear. Babbling his heart out quickly.
An angry sigh and then Halfkin was holding him tight and distracted him in a way only he would. Halfkin bit his ear tip and clamped on.
**You. Stubborn. Cub! Too much THEN to see your friends!** The sending was angry and it's presence hummed in the back of Survivor's mind, even though it restrained from overwhelming.
"Friends, friends," he echoed. "Can friends fill the hole I have in my soul?" Survivor was far-gone remembering. Rootmoss, Silvergrass, Softstone, Eyesfire and Magma. All filled Survivor with joy and purpose in life, all gone. And Survivor tried to keep strong.
"I hate the humans! They took all I loved. It wasn't me, it was never me. It was the humans! I'll make them pay on my last hunt!" He struggled free from Halfkin's grip and tried to stand up, but he fell back. The teeth on his ear released before he had attempted to stand.
"Spinning, can't stop spinning," his voice trembled and faded away.
"No excuses. Friends are family," Halfkin said as he got up to a kneeling position and pulled Survivor from under the arms to their sleeping place. Survivor distantly felt himself being dragged further in the cave and then laid on his own furs and tucked in. There was a hiss and grumble before a body joined him.
"You think too much, Survivor," Halfkin said with a tired note in his voice. "Just had to ask."
And there was no sound, save for a few wolves moving around. Survivor couldn't sleep. He continued to dwell on his loss hard enough that he nearly didn't hear Halfkin's last remark before the wolf-talker fell asleep.
"As Grehn I will watch you," came the softest muffled sound before the speaker's voice trailed off. That stopped Survivor's dwelling. His spinning stopped and his head was as clear as it could be. Next to him Halfkin slept. Halfkin, until now, who had been a friend, a fellow hunt brother, nothing more.
'Blind, I've been blind.' He understood now why Halfkin kept pushing, night after night, moon after moon, season after season. Everything because of one word. One little word.
Survivor laid back and that word echoed through his mind. He knew Halfkin and Halfkin would know him.
**And as Seth, I will let you.**