A/N: I don't know what to say except that I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing. But...thanks to marysunshine81, of course, for everything 3
A Question Of Honor
Something about their love just gets me every time.
There is something so raw and beautiful underneath. Sometimes, I see it so clearly.
Peter is a good man and there is no doubt that we work well together. As his campaign manager, of course I am duty-bound to have Alicia stay beside him. Yet, as her friend (I think I'm her friend), I want her to be happy too.
Sometimes I try to look at everything through her eyes. I look at Peter and I look at Will and sometimes, I ask myself—what would I do in her place?
Is Peter Florrick an honorable man? When I took the job, I told myself that he is. He has done many wrongs, but I still believe in his good. Even so, when he grabbed my phone to call Alicia after the shooting, I couldn't help but question myself—would I make friends with a man who shows so little respect in that instant for the wife he knows is grieving? Peter Florrick is a good man, yet he is not honorable. I like him, but if I were Alicia, I would have my doubts and honestly wouldn't know what to do.
Is Alicia Florrick an honorable woman? I like her, I really do. Sometimes I like her more than I like Peter. She's different from all the other politicians' wives I've had to work with in the past. During her affair with Will, I may have lost some respect for her. That is, until I realized that their love was pure and maybe Alicia was doing nothing wrong. When Alicia told me she was leaving Lockhart/Gardner, I supported her. I supported her because there was no reason not to. And I still support her now, because she has done nothing wrong. If I were her, I probably wouldn't do anything different.
However, just because she didn't do anything wrong, doesn't mean that people weren't hurt by her actions.
Is Will Gardner an honorable man? I disliked him at first for the simple reason that he made my work for Peter harder, and I prefer easy. I have continued to dislike him to this day because he is simply not a good man and there is always much to dislike.
Yet, sometimes, in the wake of Alicia's decision, I ask myself—wouldn't I be angry if I were him? What would I do if the woman I'd loved since college, the woman I'd helped and given everything to, just betrays me and all I've done for her in an instant?
So is Will Gardner the most honorable person among the three? No. Will Gardner is neither honorable nor in any way admirable. But he is the most painfully real, most unflinchingly courageous, and undoubtedly least artificial of the three. I understand enough about his romance with Alicia to know that there never really was a happy ending. However, I think I know enough about Will Gardner to say that he really, honestly did not deserve all the crap.
He is not a bad enough man to have deserved what Alicia put him through. And he sure as hell did not deserve to die today. Especially because I know that given the choice, he would have fought death even out of the slightest possibility that Alicia loved him and would hurt over it.
So, the question remains. What does all of this make me? When I deleted that voicemail all those years ago, I didn't even hesitate. It was only after a while that I became guilt-ridden. I thought that I was doing what I had to for the campaign, but I had no right. None at all.
How would I feel if my only confession was erased with the click of a button by some man I didn't even know but who might as well hate me?
Maybe my actions wouldn't have made a difference in the long run, but who am I to decide that for them?
The thing that bothers me the most is that normally, I wouldn't care. I wouldn't spend this much time analyzing my conflicting views of three people, none of whom I should personally care much about, because this is my job and nothing more.
Everything used to be so clear and professional.
I know I'm not this person. Yet, here I am, still grieving the death of Will Gardner and trying to figure out just when everything became so personal and just when I had become a person so easily affected by a love that never even fully existed.
A/N: Well, thank you for reading. Feel free to leave a review. No one is entitled to like this, because even I don't know if I do. Somewhere along the way of writing this, I turned it into my own personal rant, so I also apologize for that. But anyway, I wish everyone a nice day and best of luck dealing with the rest of s5 xx