Chapter 1: Fear the Reaper!
Disclaimer: The Simpsons, unfortunately, isn't my property. This is a SAW parody. This was originally going to be Act III of My Treehouse of Horror, but it started getting long, so I gave it its own story.
"Wake up, Barney."
"Whah?" says the alcoholic. Bernard "Barney" Gumble has no memory of the night before. He belches.
He sees a talking skull on a large television screen. How drunk is he? "Hello, Barney. For practically all of your life, you have slowly been poisoning yourself with beer, wine, and any other form of alcohol you could obtain. You disgust me. You will be in an early grave if this continues, which it will."
"But now you must face the consequences. You see, if you don't escape from this room in thirty minutes, you will have a dangerous amount of alcohol injected into your bloodstream. It will kill you instantly. So get out if you can, Barney, and don't try to drink any of the glasses of Duff on the floor. Only one of them isn't poisoned."
Barney looks around the poorly lit room. There are several doors in the wall and mugs of Duff on the floor. Don't drink it, Barney, he tells himself. Don't drink it! Remember your AA meetings.
He tries a door. Locked! He tries another. Also locked! He tries to open a third. Success!
He's free! He grabs a mug and downs it. With his luck, it's the one that's not poisoned. "Take that, talking skull!" And then he falls over dead. The skull chuckles in its deep, warped voice. "Such greed. . ."
The next morning, Chief Wiggum finds the body. They notice the word "REAPER" written on his back in blood. Homer, Lenny, and Carl take off work for the funeral. The other Simpsons, as well as Moe Szylak, Sam, Larry, Barney's friends from his AA meetings, and his ex-girlfriend Chloe Talbot also attend as the beloved town drunk is laid to rest.
"So, boys, who do you think killed Gumble?" says the Chief.
"I don't know, Chief," says Lou.
"Yeah, this doesn't fit the profile of any known murderer," says Eddie.
"Maybe we should check out the Mob," says Lou. "We could see if they had any reason to whack him."
"OK, I think Fat Tony is at his second cousin's housewarming tonight," says the Chief.
That night. . .
(Warning, this will get kind of gory, so if you are faint of heart, stop reading this NOW.)
Chester Turley, better known as Snake Jailbird, wakes up shackled to a gurney in the dark. "What the hell?! Like, how'd I get here?" He feels like he is wired up to something. And then something ZAP!s him. "Ow! Like, dammit!"
The lights come on slowly. Then a large TV comes on. There is a grinning skull on the screen. "Hello, Chester." He hates his real name. "Oh, that's right, you prefer Snake. A fitting moniker. For you are just as low as one of those slimy beings. For years, you have done nothing but steal from others. You make me sick, Snake, you do. Well, now, I'll steal something from you: your life!" It laughs.
"What the hell are you talking about, dude? Is this, like, a joke, or Scare Tactics, or what?"
"I am serious about this. . . Chester." Snake snarls. "The device you are hooked up to will electrocute you in fifteen minutes. But I'm giving you a way out. Do you know the expression 'a pound of flesh?' I'm sure a master criminal like yourself does. Well, that's what I want from you: a pound of your flesh." Snake sees a butcher knife and a scale next to him. Whoever this dude is, he's a freaking psycho! "Are you scared?"
"Yes! Hell yes, dude!" Snake screams.
"I hope you are. You have fifteen minutes and you may begin now. . . Chester!" The skull laughs and a clock appears on the screen. It says 15:00 and it starts going backwards. 14:59, 14:58, 14:57. . .
Snake panics. He picks up the knife hesitantly. Wincing, he starts sawing through his fingers on his right hand, because he's left handed. "Like, gah!" There are no words to describe his pain. "Ow! Dammit, ow!" This probably hurts even more than his friend Sideshow Bob's face transplant.
Several minutes pass. Snake's arm below the wrist is gone. He sees that he's almost out of time. He rushes and gets rid of everything below the elbow. Then he hears a ding! And a green light flashes. The clock has stopped at 00:59. Then the skull returns to the screen. "Congratulations, Snake. You've won. You're the first of my victims to win." The restraints come off his legs. "You are free to go."
Snake heads for the now open door, punching the air with his good arm. "Yeah! You suck, dude! See you in hell!" He laughs and covers his stump as he runs away.
"Goodbye, Snake. Why don't you come back and see your old pal the Reaper again," says the voice. The self-proclaimed Reaper laughs and then speaks no more.
Snake runs into the night like his life depends on it. Because it does! As he does, Herman asks him, "How did you lose yours?"He manages to get to a hospital, knock on the door, and pass out due to loss of blood.
"And, last night, there was another attempted killing by the individual now known as the Reaper," says Kent Brockman the next morning. "The victim is local criminal Snake Jailbird, who was found unconscious outside the Springfield General Hospital missing most of his right arm. He is expected to recover. Police still have no leads on his abduction or the abduction and murder of local lush Barney Gumble. Citizens should be cautious yet optimistic, even though we're probably all screwed. This is Kent Brockman, signing off."
"Come on, Lis!" says Bart to his sister. They are aimlessly wandering the hospital while their baby sister Maggie is having a checkup. "I want to raid the receptionist's candy bowl."
"Not now, Bart! I'm listening to a lecture by Dr. Sanjay Gupta."
They hear someone walking behind them. They can't tell, but it sounds like the footsteps of someone with very large feet. Then they see a familiar shadow, one that resembles a six-foot palm tree. "Hello, Bart."
"Aaaaaaah! Sideshow Bob!" scream the siblings.
"How come you never say my name?" says Lisa.
Bob shrugs. He is holding a bouquet of pale pink roses and bright yellow daisies."Old habits die hard, I suppose."
"Well, what's your plan this time, Bob?" says Bart.
Bob grins. "It just so happens that I didn't expect to you see you children here. I came unarmed and without a plan. Although, I'm certain I could think of something. . ." The kids shudder and take a step back. "But the fact is, I'm here on other business." He walks away. Bart and Lisa follow him. They can't explain why, they just do.
He enters a room with a sign that says "Jailbird" on the door. Snake is laying in a hospital bed groaning. His mood brightens when he sees his visitor. "Bob!"
The two men laugh as Bob hugs Snake, who puts his remaining arm around him in return. "Good to see you!" says Bob. "I only wish it was under better circumstances."
"Yeah," says Snake. "Gloria came in here earlier. She was crying so hard. I didn't want Jeremy in here. I, like, just didn't want the little dude to see me like this. It might, like, scar him for life if he sees his old man missing an arm. I'm actually getting a prosthetic limb in an hour. At least I won't look like the weird dude with the military antiques."
"Do you know who might have done it?" says Lisa.
"No. It could have been anyone. It could even be a chick, for all I know! I didn't recognize the voice. All I know is that the dude called himself the Reaper, and he was, like, real disgusted with me."
"Yes," says Bob. "And I'm sure he's a regular contribution to society himself."
"We better find out who the Reaper is, fast!" cries Lisa. "There's no telling who will be the next victim! It could be anyone in town!"
Snake collapses on the bed. Then the four of them hear a weird sound, like paper crinkling. "What the-?" He finds a folded sheet of paper in hos back pocket. He looks at it, gasps, and his face loses its color. "I think I know how to find out who the next victims will be."
It is a list of names. The names read Bernard Gumble,Chester Turley, Clancy Wiggum, Krusty the Clown, Joe Quimby. . .
Bart gasps in horror. "Oh my God! Dad's name is on there!" Lisa screams.
"Yeah," says Snake. "And that's not all." He gulps. "B-Bob, uh, I don't really want to tell you this, but, uh. . ."
"Oh, dear," says Bob, grasping the list with a trembling hand as he reads the name Robert Underdunk Terwilliger II. "Well, it's obvious the police are accomplishing nothing, and at this rate, by the time they discover so much as one clue, everyone on this list will be dead. That means we shall have to take matters into our own hands."
"Hell yes, dude!" says Snake. "I'd love to give that turkey what's coming to him!"
"Why should we?" demands Bart.
"We have to, Bart," says Lisa. "The Reaper's going to kill Dad. We don't have a choice."
Bart sighs. "I guess you're right, Lis."
"So, who's with me?" asks Bob.
"You can totally count me in, dude!"
"We're on the case!"
"Whatever. We'll stop him like we've always stopped you!"
Bob scowls at this a little but doesn't reply. "Let's stop the Reaper's reign of terror," he says as they all put their hands in.
Well, there you have it. The investigation starts in the next chapter. Who is the killer? Find out and give feedback please.