An Alphabet of Lord of the RIngs
Disclaimer: Don't own Lord of the Rings.
Summary: Hi, kids! Today, we're going to go through Lord of the Rings, A to Z!
Okay, just to let you know – this was inspired by A Mary-Sue Alphabet and A is for Annabeth. If this sounds familiar, you probably read those first. Those are funnier than this one. And I did base it on their style of writing – because it works. Mistakes may be found, because I needed it to go with the rhyme. And yes, it may remind you of some stupid little kid show. Remember –
PARODY.
P-A-R-O-D-Y.
PARODY.
PARODY.
That's for you people who don't bother looking at the genres (and have no sense of humor).
A is for Aragorn
And yes, he's a Ranger!
He's a VERY important guy,
And he's almost always in danger.
He's waited for Arwen
For MANY, MANY years
He's never going for a Sue
And he doesn't fall for tears.
He's the heir of Isildur
So he's going to be king.
He does not have a sister
Who completely resists the Ring.
B is for Boromir
He is a warrior and very brave.
But at Amon Hen, alas,
Him they couldn't save.
He is not a misogynist
And he isn't a big brute.
He doesn't want to kiss a Sue
I think he'd rather puke.
He does not hate his brother,
And he thinks the hobbits are cool.
He's a captain, and he's smart.
He is not dumb or a fool.
C is for Curunir
Saruman, some say
The White, or of Many Colors,
Not Brown or Blue or Gray.
He wasn't always evil
He was good once upon a time
It was only quite recently
That he committed a crime
He was one of the Istari
Which means he always looked old
Hoping he wouldn't be corrupted
And not want that Ring of gold.
D is for dwarf
Gimli is one of them.
He's handy and tells jokes
He's not stupid or grim.
He does not stalk Galadriel
He just fawns over her
The rumor he sailed West
Is quite another matter.
He's not always muddy or dirty
I'm sure he likes to be clean.
He doesn't hate everything
And he's not very mean.
E is for Éowyn
She doesn't want to be in a cage.
She's a warrior, yes, but also a lady
She doesn't go into spontaneous rage.
She doesn't hate being proper
She just prefers being more free.
She doesn't live on her horse
Though riding does give her glee.
She's gotten over Aragorn
She loves Faramir now
If some Sue tried to get him
Éowyn would have a real cow.
F is for Faramir
Not only can he fight,
But he's also a scholar
And really quite bright.
His father does love him
He doesn't beat him sore
It's just that, truthfully,
He likes Boromir more.
If you want to go by the book,
His hair is not red
I believe it is raven
Yes, Tolkien said!
G is for Gollum
Some say he looks atrocious
He's gotten quite insane
Looking for his Precious.
He was once a good guy
But the Ring got to him, too
Having it back
Is all he wants to do.
He's managed to trick Frodo
He's never liked Sam.
He bit off Frodo's finger
That's really just – damn!
H is for hobbit
That's what Frodo is!
He's a complicated guy,
And his last name is Baggins.
He's felt rather angsty
Ever since he got stabbed
He wants to sail West
Or he'll always feel sad.
Just because he's short
Doesn't mean he's a kid.
They got a young actor (but not THAT young)
That's what they did.
I is for Istar
Also called wizard
Gandalf's one, don't make him mad
Or he'll turn you into a lizard.
Even though he's been promoted
He hasn't got infinite power
He can't make giant fireballs
Or turn an Orc army into flowers.
But he's not a mean old geezer
He can be quite nice
But, unfortunately, in Moria
That's when he paid the price.
J is for J.R.R. Tolkien
He made up Middle-earth and hobbits
But he only claims that
He just translated it.
He was a professor
He fought in World War Two.
He was a very educated guy
What was your first clue?
On his wife's epitaph is 'Lúthien'
And on his is 'Beren.'
He considers his most important work
A book called 'The Silmarillion'.
K is for king
In Gondor there had been none
Until Aragorn came along
After the war was done.
In Rohan it was Théoden
But at Pelennor, he died
So Éomer took over
With Lothíriel as his bride.
Now I really don't know
If Harad had one, too
Since I'm not sure
I'll leave that up to you.
L is for Legolas
Now I feel really sorry for him.
In fanfic, Suethors have him fall for anyone
That really sounds quite dim.
He's a few thousand years old
He won't fall for a teenage girl
If I have to read another one of those stories
I really think I'm going to hurl.
And to all you slash writers,
Legolas is so not gay
None of the elves are
Didn't you hear Tolkien say?
M is for Meriadoc
But 'Merry' he is called.
After he drank some Ent draught
He became quite tall.
He rode into battle
With a soldier named 'Dernhelm'
He helped Éowyn slay the Witch-King
And became famous throughout the realm.
He helped lead the Battle of Bywater
I loved reading that part
When they took down the bandits
And Gríma the Wart.
N is for Nazgûl
Nasty things they are.
They tried to kill the hobbits
At Barliman's bar.
They're bad enough on horses
But now they can fly!
If they come across you alone
Well… you die.
The Witch-King of Angmar
Is the worst one of all
Let's just hope that
He flies into a wall.
O is for Orc
They smell pretty bad
In my opinion, most are stupid
Now that's just quite sad.
They work for Sauron
And nearly anything they eat.
And at Pelennor Fields
They were very hard to beat.
I'm not sure about this
But apparently, elves they used to be.
How does an elf become an Orc?
Yeah, that I still can't see.
P is for Pippin
I really love this guy.
He'll eat nearly anything
From cabbages to pie.
But sometimes, you know
I really wish he'd shut up.
Next time he's in the town of Bree,
He needs to get a smaller beer cup.
In the movie he's played
By an actor named Billy.
He's pretty cool, too
Making Pippin quite silly.
Q is for question
Gandalf thinks some hobbits are too curious
Now don't ask too many
Or he just might get furious.
Q is also for quest
That's why the Fellowship was made
They had to destroy the Ring
Or Rivendell would Mordor raid.
Q is also for quick
If anyone's too slow
Then it's quite easy for them
To receive a death blow.
R is for Rivendell
That's where Elrond dwells
It's quite nice, but even there
All is not well.
It's also called Imladris
And a good place to rest
But still many of the elves
Are going to sail West.
I'm not sure of the relationship
With another elf realm, Mirkwood
But for the sake of everyone,
I hope that it's good.
S is for Samwise
But you can call him Sam.
His father is named Hamfast
But you can call him Ham.
He does NOT like Frodo that way
He gets married to Rosie.
If you still think that way,
Go take a nap or a dozey.
Sam is a gardener
He likes planting stuff.
Like most hobbits, he smokes pipeweed
Which is most certainly not snuff.
T is for Treebeard
If you didn't know, he's an Ent.
He is not a talking tree
He's a tree-herder, Tolkien meant.
The sad thing is that
The Entwives are lost
So there can be no Entings
Trees they'll never live amongst.
If you come across him in the dark,
It must be quite creepy.
But when you get to know him, he's not bad
Just makes you rather sleepy.
U is for Undómiel
Arwen made a large sacrifice
She got to live with her love
But it was at a big price.
Her ancestor was Tinúviel
And they shared the same fate
To fall in love with a Man
Two of the greatest love stories to date.
So she married her love
And became a queen
But she lost her father,
Who sailed over the sea.
V is for Valar
Manwë, Varda, Ulmo, Tulkas, Yavanna,
Aulë, Estë, Oromë, Vairë, Nessa,
Mandos, Lórien, Vána, and Nienna.
They're very powerful spirits,
But they are not gods.
That title belongs to Ilúvatar,
Who doesn't do much, for good or bad odds.
The Valar founded Valinor,
Where the elves want to go
And leave their lives behind,
Shedding their sorrows and woes.
W is for Wargs
The Wolves of Isengard
They're rather dangerous (and ugly)
And I'm sure their heads are pretty hard.
In the book, they attacked at Moria
Using trees, Gandalf set them on fire!
I must say, I wish I had seen that
It must've been quite a funeral pyre.
In the movie, it was on the way to Helm's Deep
Aragorn fell off a cliff!
But he didn't die, that's a relief
Though the Wargs must've been miffed.
X is for Xcalibur
…Oh, wait, that's not right…
Oops, wrong story. My bad!
Okay, okay, spelled it wrong, too, alright?
And while we're on the topic of swords
Aragorn has Andúril, quite a neat one!
It used to be called Narsil
But that's all said and done.
So in Middle-earth
Swords are much needed.
If you're in battle without one,
You're easily defeated.
Y is for yawning
It shows that you're tired.
The strange thing with elves
Is that sleep isn't required.
In their memories and dreams
Is where they get their rest.
So that's how they seem
To always be at their best.
And can you imagine –
They don't have to close their eyes!
But it must be creepy for someone
To see that before sunrise.
Z is for Zealand, New
It's where they filmed the movie.
Mountains and greenery
That must've been a sight to see!
From Gondor to Rohan,
From Bree to the Shire
They needed lots of props
And people to hire.
It was hard, but they did it!
And it made a lot of people happy.
But I'm sure after it was done
They took a nice, long nappy.
Now it's time to say goodbye.
Sayonara, shalom, zai jian,
Au revoir and namárië,
Not to mention auf wiedersehen.
Remember arrivederci,
La revedere, adios,
There's also tot ziens,
Ha det and adeus.
Sbohem and näkemiin,
I bid you adieu,
Güle güle,
And last of all – see you!
Well... Not much to say. Except that the original is A Mary-Sue Alphabet (Harry Potter), and another that inspired me was A is for Annabeth (Percy Jackson). My personal favorite is G - no particular reason, I just think Gollum's cool. Any mistakes you see were probably made to fit with the rhyme. If you have a better word or line for one of them and you're okay with me using it instead, just let me know.
Thank you for surviving my horrendous poetry. I congratulate you for not killing yourself by letter K. Thanks for reading!