In the heart of a storm, in the midst of depression, I write. I force myself to focus, even through the drug-like distraction weighing on my mind.

So, I force myself, as I once had, but never have before. It's deep and cold, especially in this late night, thinking of the loss that's coming...

iLose

Chapter One: iAdore You

Gazing at her picture, remembering her long, blond hair; still having to see her imperfect, loving, calm, suffered, blue eyes, her often-hidden, heavily-defended smile, and, overall, the image of a caring, loving girl; my best friend. Her name is Sam Puckett...She was my friend, my sister, my loss, and my tears this and so many other nights. I can't believe she's gone. Now, everything's so wrong. She wasn't supposed to go; not yet, not...ever. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. Staring into the picture; the frozen, untouchable moment in time; the frozen state of beautiful emotion and peace; the reminder that I'm alone, I felt my throat start to burn, and my eyes blur over with hot tears. I saw her face a the wake; her cold, still, sleeping face. Her skin was so pale, and her body void of all breath. I cried as I knelt; praying over and over again for her, for me, for anything to make all this better. There was no solace; not without Sam. Spencer put his arm around me, walking me out of that horrible place, helping me escape that horrible memory, and took me out to his car as the icy rain poured down on us. Finally, in the ultimate act of mercy, he turned the key, and drove me home. Thousands of drops of unforgiving, cold, remorseless rain threw themselves onto the windshield as the night passed by us in the car. I couldn't talk; I was all but blind from acid tears; rendered mute except for my sobs and gasping squeaks. Spencer understood; he didn't try to force me; just told me it'd be okay. Told me it was normal to suffer like this, normal to not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but that I'd get better.

I don't think he was right. I never moved on. Years have passed, just like that night, and I still hurt; I still cry; I still want her beside me. I still need her solace to go on, but I don't have her. I don't have my friend. I'm alone; I cry all night, feel my throat ache and burn, and can't see it in myself to return to a comfortable place...The last comfortable place; the only comfortable place I ever had died when Sam left me all alone. I held the necklace; I didn't have the necklace: I made it after Sam died, and cried into it. Inside, its only light was Sam's picture; she was so happy, so innocent, so at peace with where she was in the world. Now, she's gone; this picture of her...it's not her, but I want so badly to feel close to her now.

I found a new way to breathe tonight; I found a way to let go of the pain, and finally fall asleep. Cradling my locket, I slowly close my eyes, taking in each breath along with a happy memory of her, then let it out, and I wake up with dried tears and puffy eyes at about five in the morning. I cry for Sam; for myself; for our dead friendship...I'm the only one who can keep it alive. It's hard to bear, but I do it for Sam...for our memory. I've been alone for so long. I miss her; feel her inside my heart; want the pain to end.

I love you, angel, I whisper, visiting her headstone for the first time in my life. Her life was taken too soon; lost before her time, lost to her own unhappiness. For this, I only hold her closer in my heart. Maybe she's not hurting herself there.

Sam's Song

Morning, crying angel

Morning, suffering soldier

Take my hand, angry little girl hiding her tears.

Let me in your heart, one I strive to be.

You have so much to give;

So much love, so much strength (only when you're defending me), so many dreams

Please don't let your dreams come to an end;

Don't wake up out of it, beautiful dreamer.

Stay with me; see the highest mountains at sunrise with me...

And let us be free.

Take my hand when I'm not strong enough

Let me take yours because I know you'll never be alright alone.

Don't let your fears and pain ever stop you from the love you deserve.

You're always there...

Always my friend...

Here to love the world...

That's why you're our angel;

Sent from a higher window to make us all sleep in comfort.

In the most loving way, although you didn't love yourself, you loved us all,

and we will always love you,

Samantha...hear our prayer that you find comfort.

Sam Puckett, don't forget your friendship.

Sleeping angel...Never let go of your wings; We can dream forever.

-By Carly Shay, loving friend and sister.

I love you, Sam. I'll never let you slip away...no matter how bad you think your pain makes you. I'm still waiting for you to come home, bud...