With You
The night air was cool and humid and smelled of burnt rubber and the ocean. Buffy sat bathed in fluorescent light on a bench outside of a mostly deserted bus station. She wrapped her jacket tightly around herself and looked up into a clear, star-filled sky. She didn't notice an old black convertible pull into the station's parking lot or the tall man who stepped out of the car and walked across the lot, his long black coat billowing behind him as he strode up to the bench she sat upon.
"It looks different, doesn't it?" Angel asked as Buffy turned her attention away from the stars.
"Yeah, I guess so," she said forcing a smile and standing up.
"It did for me too." Angel slowly raised his hands and put them on her shoulders as if checking to see that she was solid. He grinned widely and let out a relieved laugh. Buffy returned the smile and laugh, and they stood embracing for quite some time while their expressions went from joyful to serious. As they pulled apart, Angel again held her shoulders. He stood gazing at her for a full minute before he moved his hands up to her face.
"It's really you," he said. He bent down and kissed gently on the lips cupping her face in his hands. When he finally pulled his hands from her face there was a long silence in which they stared around at the ground before he said, "You wanna go for a ride?"
"Okay." Angel led Buffy to his car and within minutes they were on the open road with the top down and wind blowing through their hair. Neither one talked, but both looked perfectly content with slight grins on their faces as they occasionally looked at one another. After about 15 minutes, Angel pulled the car over at a small cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. They sat in the car silently, looking straight ahead onto the moonlit water for a few minutes before Angel turned in his seat towards Buffy.
"I'm not gonna ask you how or why you're here…" Angel began.
"Well, I came on the Gray Line because you called," Buffy replied smartly.
"You know what I mean," he said. "The point is, I don't care why or how, I'm just glad you're." The only reply she made was a weak smile. She turned towards him and put her head down to rest on the top of the car seat. Angel looked out at the ocean for a few moments and finally said, turning towards her again, "So how's Dawnie?"
"Adjusting, like everyone else. Happy though, I think. They all are kinda careful around me still," said Buffy. She paused a moment and asked, "Any big developments over in L.A. since I saw you last?"
"Oh, you know, vampires, demons bent on apocalypse, pesky interdementional portals, and evil law firms from hell. Not much new. Nothing that will top you coming back from the dead."
"Oh good. I wouldn't want to be outdone," she deadpanned.
"The past year has been hard though," he said thoughtfully. "Not death and hell dimension hard, but hard." Angel looked pensively toward the water. "I got my friends back, but I lost you," he said softly. Buffy lifted her head and looked at him with a pained expression. "I mourned you," he added in an almost whisper. They both looked at each other for a time. "I spent a few months in meditation with a group of monks, and I worked out a few things. Well, I mostly just killed them." Buffy raised her eyebrows. "Demon monks," he elaborated.
"Men of the cloth really not men at all," she quipped with a grin. Buffy paused as a cloud passed over her expression. She looked down and said, "Sorry. About the grief."
"It was my turn anyway," he said with a sad smile. Again they sat in silence watching the waves hit the shore until Angel slowly opened his door and stepped out of the car. He circled around the back to the passenger side and reached behind Buffy's seat to grab a large, dark object. "Come on," he said as he opened the door and offered Buffy his hand.
Within moments they were laying on the hood of the old black car with a large brown blanket spread underneath them. They lay side by side, propped up on the windshield barely touching each other. "I forgot how clear it is outside the city," Angel said gazing upward.
"Doesn't seem real, does it?" Buffy spoke in an almost whisper. He gave no reply but turned to face her while she stared at the sky. Before he knew what he was doing, he pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her letting her head rest on his shoulder. Angel began to stroke Buffy's hair, and after some time said softly, as if to a child "It's all real, ya know. This isn't a dream. The world is still here and it's real and loud and dirty and broken." He paused as she lifted her chin to look into his eyes. "No dream. Just you. Here." They stared into each other's eyes for a full minute before Angel continued, "But you don't want to be here." He pulled his arms from her and sat up. "Where is it that you want to be?"
At his question she sat up quickly and replied, "Angel, I want to be here. I dropped everything and ignored everyone and came here. Most of all, above everyone, I wanted to see you and be with you."
"That's not what I meant," he said quietly but firmly. "You don't want to be here – in this world. Logic would suggest that if you were in some hell dimension for months you would be glad to be in your own world again. Glad but understandably broody about what happened to you. But it seems like this place holds no meaning for you. It's like you're living in a void, looking for something better. If you don't want to be here, then you must have been somewhere you wanted to be. So again, where is it that you want to be?"
She looked at his serious face with a frown for a while before she answered him. "I'm not sure," she said leaning back onto the windshield again. Angel followed suit putting an arm around Buffy. After another long silence she finally spoke. "The safest place I've ever found was you," she said softly, her voice on the verge of breaking. "Well, as safe as a girl can be around a vampire," she said more lightly. "But with your safety came heart wrenching fear. Fear of myself mostly, but also fear of the future and fear of losing you. But wherever I was when I died, I knew – I felt – I was safe. No fear or pain. I was happy and warm. And I knew I would be forever. I knew I would be safe and loved forever." She broke off abruptly and shivered. Angel drew her closer to him.
"So you think you were in –"
"Heaven……Yeah."
"God, Buffy. I'm so sorry." He put his hand on her head, smoothing her hair and placed a warm, soft, protective kiss on her forehead as she closed her moist eyes. He pulled her as close as he could to him, just holding her for several minutes.
"Thank you," she whispered.
"For what?"
"For this. For holding me. For not asking me more." She lifted her head to look up into his eyes placing her face inches from his as she said, "For being my safe place again." She reached for his face and brought his lips to hers. The contact was light and soft. Comforting. As the kiss deepened, neither lost the sense of warmth they felt. They continued with more passion while Buffy kept her hand on Angel's neck. His hands moved along her back pulling her full against him.
When they broke their kiss after several minutes, Angel reached up to hold Buffy's face in his hands. "You felt that, right?" he asked. "It was real?"
"It was real," she replied softly. He lightly brushed his lips against hers and pulled his face back to look at her.
"I wish I could fix this for you. I want to make it right, but I know I'm not the one who can make this better. You have to do that for yourself."
"I know. Everything seems duller, greyer. Like an out of focus picture. It's just hard to find a place to break through. A place to start from."
"Okay, easy. Start with me. With this, tonight. Start with your safe place in this world. Borrow my strength and let me anchor you here the way you did for me."
Buffy stared at him and then looked down. "I can start with you, here, but for you to really help me I'd want more. We both would. It's not fair, and we've been through this before." She took a deep breath. "Besides, I have to do this on my own. You said so yourself."
"I didn't mean you couldn't have help," he said. "You really should let them help you. I know they would want to do anything they could to help."
"How did you –"
"Just tell someone you can trust." Angel paused looking back up into Buffy's eyes. "And take tonight. Take this right here, right now and don't let anyone else have it. Keep it for yourself, for when you need to be strong or break into the light. Let it keep you from being numb for as long as you can." She nodded and smiled at him before she kissed him again gently. This kiss was passionate but mixed with the intensity of sadness and desperation. When they broke apart, Angel placed another soft kiss on her forehead and simply held her again while they both closed their eyes.
Waking an hour or so later with Buffy curled in his arms, Angel realized they had little of the night left. Buffy stirred in his arms and opened her eyes. She turned her head to look at him and asked, "How much time do we have?"
"About an hour. Do you want me to take you back to the bus station now?"
"Is staying here forever an option?"
"Absolutely," he said with a bittersweet smile. They wordlessly got up and resumed their places inside the car. As Angel drove, Buffy leaned contently against him wanting to retain as much closeness to him as possible.
When they pulled into the bus station's parking lot fifteen minutes later, Buffy and Angel remained seated in the car, staring straight ahead. They slowly turned toward each other and Buffy said, "Thank you again."
"For what?"
"For this. Again. I needed it. I needed you. It's going to be hard going back."
"Just remember what I said, and remember that I'm a phone call away. Always," he said. They both smiled and stared at each other.
"Boy, we really suck at this," Buffy said. When this drew a confused frown from Angel, she clarified, "Goodbyes."
"Yeah," he smiled and said quietly. They both looked to the floor, and Angel looked up in time to see Buffy leaning towards him to plant a long, soft kiss on his lips before she quickly opened the passenger door and stepped out of the car. He watched as she hurried across the parking lot to the ticket window to ask the attendant something. She turned around to look at a bus and then walked towards it.
Buffy paused as she reached the open door of the bus and looked at the black convertible one last time. Angel thought he saw a smile cross her lips before she turned and boarded the bus. He waited until the bus pulled away from the parking lot to turn on his engine. Buffy watched Angel's car start turning. She couldn't see him leave again. She got up from her seat and ran to the front.
"Miss, you need to sit!" The driver yelled.
"Open the door now!" She said angrily. He opened the door and let Buffy out. The bus took off leaving Buffy alone. She saw Angel's car and ran towards it.
"Angel!" She screamed, but the car was too far. She took out her cell phone and called Angel's number. It went to his voicemail.
"Angel, please pick up, I….I can't call you whenever I need you. Angel……I love you ok….I love you, I want to be with you," She started crying. "Please don't leave me again……." She heard her phone beep and the battery was low. She closed her phone and wiped her eyes.
She turned around and stopped in her tracks. In front of her Angel stood with his cell phone in his hand.
"Angel…"
"I came back to use the payphone, my phone's dead. My car is parked in the back."
"You…you got the message?"
"I was behind you the whole time. I never stopped loving you Buffy."
"I don't want you to be a phone call away, I want you next to me when I wake up or when I need a place to go and I know that you're within a mile. Angel-"
He finally cut her off and held her in his arms and kissed her passionately. He pulled back and looked at her.
"I'll move my company to Sunnydale; I bet Angel Investigations won't mind. They always wanted to see the Hellmouth."
"What about LA? Aren't there big bads there too?"
"Yeah, but Cordy, she has visions and when she sees them you and I can go fight it together even if it's in LA."
"I love you."
"I love you too." He pulled her towards him and kissed her with his arms wrapped around her and lifting her off the ground. He carried her back to his car and they drove off has lovers again.