What Feels Right
by SlwMtionDaylite
Sequel to "Illogical Wishes and Logical Farewells" though I believe it could easily be read on its own.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I own nothing. Paramount, et al. own all. I really wish they would let me borrow Spock for a while though.
Rating: G
Pairing: Spock/Uhura (implied)
Word Count: 1968
Summary: He had only made one so-called rash decision in his life. And in the four point two seconds since he had begun to ponder this turn of events, Spock made his second.
Written for the Spock/Uhura Prompt: "She would have approved" over at the Spock_Uhura LJ community.
Spock watched in silence as his elder self turned around and walked away, disappearing behind a shuttlecraft. Briefly, he wondered if he'd ever meet this future version of himself again. He somehow doubted it. The conversation between the two of them felt like, to use a human expression, a passing of the proverbial torch. Spock felt it was very likely that his elder self would journey to the colony, do what he could to help rebuild their race and die there.
He allowed his mind to return to Elder Spock's words. For once, put aside logic. Do what feels right. They were unusual words to come from a Vulcan, much less, Spock believed, himself. He wondered what experiences this Spock underwent to shape him into the Vulcan he had seen before him. He had seemed regal, serene. He seemed to be at ease and confident in his dual heritage, appearing simultaneously stoic and emotional.
Spock could only hope to achieve that, as his warring halves still have yet to reach a comfortable medium.
The elder Spock told him to follow his heart and do what felt right. To allow his budding tentative friendship with Jim Kirk fully blossom. It was then that Spock allowed his internal musings to return to the woman he had left behind in his determination to follow logic. The Elder Spock had made no mention of Nyota. Spock found this unnerving. To imagine an existence in which he never took his relationship with Nyota further than friendship was, in his mind, unimaginable. How had this future version of himself not allowed himself to pursue such a relationship? Spock did not allow himself to even fathom the remote possibility that they did not know each other in the elder Spock's time. His human intuition told him that this was not the case.
Spock mulled over the information he had been presented and the information he had inferred. He could do as he always strived to and follow logic. He could turn in his resignation to Starfleet and follow his father and fellow Vulcans to the new colony as he was expected. Or he could remain where he wanted to be, in Starfleet and with Nyota.
He allowed himself to think of what he wanted and not was expected of him. He wanted to remain in Starfleet. He wanted to stay on the Enterprise. He wanted to remain with Nyota. He did not want to see those tears that had fallen from her eyes as he told her his logical decision.
He did not want to be the cause of her pain.
He had only made one so-called rash decision in his life. And in the four point two seconds since he had begun to ponder this turn of events, Spock made his second.
It was not difficult to find Ambassador Sarek. As today was the day that most Vulcans who had been rescued by the Enterprise were to travel to the new colony, Spock's father was present in the hanger where shuttles were being prepared for their journey to their new home. Sarek was in the midst of a conversation with couple of other Vulcans. They were speaking quickly and quietly as they discussed plans for their colony.
Spock waited patiently for his father to be free.
Precisely one minute and forty-two seconds later, the two Vulcans conversing with Sarek raised their hands in the traditional salute and Sarek returned the gesture. It was then that Spock announced his presence, "Father."
"Spock," Sarek replied in greeting.
"I must speak with you," Spock said, hands clutched behind his back. He did not wish to appear apprehensive. That would be unbecoming of a Vulcan. But he could not deny that he was nervous of what his father's reaction would be. He recalled his father's disappointment the day he declined the invitation to attend the Vulcan Science Academy.
Sarek nodded, "Yes?"
Spock gazed around the busy hangar, trying to ascertain the amount of privacy they may gain from their surroundings. The odds were unlikely. A pesky inner voice told him that he was merely trying to avoid the inevitable outcome of the conversation. "Father, perhaps it would be best if we were to take our conversation to another setting. I believe that the current weather conditions are acceptable for engaging in a walk. Perhaps you would care to join me?"
Sarek considered. The shuttles were not scheduled to launch for another three hours and twelve minutes. "Very well. That would be acceptable."
Spock tilted his head in acknowledgement and together the two Vulcans began their trek outside of the hangar into the sunny outdoors.
"Now, son, what is it you which to speak to me about?"
Spock's mouth opened, ready to announce his sudden change in plans. However, at the last minute, he hesitated and choked on his words. "Are you nearly ready for departure?" he found himself asking instead. He internally cursed himself for his lack of self-conviction.
Sarek's eyebrow shot up in response to the question. "Yes. The shuttles are still intending to depart as scheduled, as you well know," he replied, "However I believe that is not what you wished to speak to me about."
Spock took a breath, "You are correct, Father."
Sarek watched his son as he walked ahead, occasionally nodding a greeting to passers-by. Despite their differences of opinion regarding Spock's past choices, Sarek could read his son easily. There was something weighing on him. "Speak your mind, son."
Spock hesitated for a moment. "Father, I have decided to remain in Starfleet. I will not be traveling with you to the colony."
Sarek inhaled deeply as he watched his son. He had an idea as to what brought about his son's sudden change in plans; however he wanted to hear the younger Vulcan confirm them. "I see. May I inquire as to why?"
"I understand why you desire my presence there. The remaining Vulcans must do what they can to preserve our race," Spock stated matter-of-factly.
"This is correct," Sarek nodded.
Spock suddenly halted his steps. "Perhaps we should take a seat," he gestured towards a bench that was placed under the shade of a large tree. Though curious why his son seemed to be deliberately delaying the conversation, Sarek consented and followed his son to the seat. The two Vulcans sat rather stiffly as they gazed out before them. Neither made eye contact with each other.
"I am uncertain whether it would be wise to speak my mind," Spock said eventually.
"It is never unwise," Sarek stated simply, recalling a similar beginning to a conversation he had with his son recently.
Spock opened his mouth as if to speak but suddenly, uncharacteristically, halted for a moment. Then he tried again. "I understand and appreciate the logic that dictates my duty to my people. It is logical to resign from Starfleet and help rebuild our race. I agreed with this logic and was on my way to give Admiral Pike my letter of resignation when I had a most strange conversation."
"Explain, son," Sarek prompted after Spock fell silent once more.
"As improbable as it sounds, I discovered my elder self in the hanger. He spoke to me and gave me advice."
Sarek was unsurprised to hear of this other Spock, for he too had seen the Vulcan wandering the hangar. "What advice did he give you?" he instead chose to focus on this.
"He told me to do what feels right."
"I see."
"I understand if you are disappointed, but it feels right for me to remain where I am. I believe I have much to offer Starfleet and they to me. This is what I want."
Sarek contemplated his son's words. They were not as surprising as they should have been, for he had believed to have caught a glimpse of his son's future self as well. However, he knew he son was still holding back some information that contributed to his decision. "This is not your only reason for choosing to remain behind. There is another. Perhaps one that has driven you more so," he said in the hopes of forcing his son to vocalize this reason.
Spock's brow furrowed, "I do not follow your statement, Father."
Sarek stated simply, "Son, I saw you with that young Starfleet officer."
Sarek was sure this was the first time he had seen his son so flustered that Spock stumbled over his words, searching for a proper response. Sarek had clearly succeeded in catching him off guard.
Finally, Spock settled on saying, "I fail to see the relevance."
Sarek sighed slightly, "Spock, please speak frankly. When did this relationship start?"
His son took time to answer. Exactly four minutes and thirty-three seconds to answer. Sarek chose to remain silent as he waited for Spock to gather his thoughts to present them in a reasonable and rational manner.
Finally, Spock spoke, but when he did he seemed significantly less Vulcan and more human. "It was… shan'hal'lak."
Spock had successfully managed to take Sarek aback. The Ambassador had been anticipating a well-structured explanation of his son's relationship, for it was clearly that, with the Terran woman. "I see," he said, with the barest hint of surprise coloring his voice.
"We met at the Academy when Lt. Uhura was assigned to the Advanced Phonology department as a teaching assistant."
"And how long have the two of you been engaged in an intimate relationship?"
No longer hesitant to answer his father's questions about such a personal matter, Spock quickly answered and without thinking, "It began precisely seven months, fifteen days, four days, three minutes, and fifty-six seconds ago."
Sarek's eyebrow rose, "May I ask, son, why you have never told your mother or myself of this new relationship?"
At the mention of his mother, however, Spock once more returned to his prior reluctance, "I do not know, Father. Perhaps I was hesitant to be subjected to your ire. I realize that, as Nyota is human, you are most understandably disappointed in my decision to engage in a romantic relationship with her."
"To the contrary, son."
Unable to suppress his surprise, Spock finally took his gaze off the motions of the students before to look at Sarek, "Father?"
"Your mother had always objected to your betrothal to T'Pring. She believed that you should have the right to chose. As she did. And I. I believe she would have approved of your relationship with Miss Uhura. As well as your decision to follow your heart instead of your mind."
Spock couldn't deny that he felt deeply touched by his father's words. They were better than what he had hoped to hear when he made this decision. "Thank you, Father."
Sarek tilted his head in acknowledgement and said, "Gratitude is not necessary. I only wish that you had, at the very least, informed your mother of your relationship. She would have been delighted to meet the young woman."
"As do I, Father. I realize that it is illogical to have regrets, but the decision I made to keep the relationship secret from my family is, indeed, something I bemoan."
Sarek nodded, "I too, harbor many regrets regarding your mother." He remained quiet for a moment, before returning to his feet, "However, it is irrational to dwell on what we cannot change. I understand and respect your decision to remain behind." He raised his hand in the ta'al, "Live long and prosper."
Spock stood as well and returned the salute to his father, "I shall make arrangements in the future to visit you in the colony."
"See to it that you do, son. And if you desire it, Nyota is more than welcome to accompany you."
"Thank you, Father."
Without further words, Sarek turned and headed back in the direction of the hangar.
END
shan'hal'lak = Love at first sight