Disclaimer: I do not own anything.
My country doesn't celebrate Halloween :( This is pure crack. Rated for language and some sexual humor. Sorry if the ending's a little weird.
Optimus was replacing the normal light bulbs with coloured ones to make the atmosphere feel really creepy. He finished putting up some green and black lights and when he turned them on, he frightened himself and lubricated on the floor. His sparkmate Elita was hanging up a banner, with the help of Chromia, that said 'Happy Halloween!" The Autobots were setting up a Halloween party and it was shitty havoc.
Wheeljack, wearing a blue tight suit, ran around the house throwing a goddamn tantrum like a little girl. "Where are my red underpants?! Where are my red underpants?! Somebody took my damn underpants!"
"Why do you need it for?" Prowl asked as he slipped on a Barney costume. "Shit, this is tight…"
"I need to wear them on the outside, just like Superman!"
Ratchet randomly walked out of the toilet, earning a confused stare from Ironhide.
"Err… Ratchet? Why in the Pit are you dressed up as me?"
"Because you are so ugly, I could go as you for trick-or-treating and scare the crap out of everyone." Ironhide kicked the medic's groin and started to cry.
"I'm going for plastic surgery!" The weapon specialist proceeded to storm out of the house, but soon turned around with a shocked look on his face. "… Isn't anyone stopping me?"
Bumblebee sucked on a lollipop whilst he walked up to them. He wasn't wearing any costume for trick-or-treating, though.
"Aren't you gonna dress up?" Prowl inquired.
"I don't have to; I am already a bee."
"Well, you don't look like one."
"Yes I do, you blind-ass."
Ironhide scratched his head with frustration. "Oh, what to wear… All the other costumes don't suit my taste at all!" A heap of clothes were soon flying out of nowhere and landed at Ironhide's feet. He sorted them out one by one and came across a little card:
To: The idiot who has no taste
Here are three costumes for you to choose.
Choose one or you'll wear Sideswipe's smelly diaper complete with a pacifier out.
From: The queen of sadists, CranberryLolli
"I hate you, Cranberry!" Ironhide screamed.
"Oh for the love of Primus, hurry up, you old fart!" Ratchet scolded. The black mech whined and reluctantly picked the costume of his choice. Hawaiian skirt and coconut bra, definitely out. Bunny girl outfit, equals to hell. Fairy tutu and wand! Oh, should he take this? Unfortunately, the thought of wearing the diaper of horror came back to haunt him, so he randomly snatched one away while closing his optics.
"… Ah! Bunny girl outfit! Noooo!"
Prowl, Bumblebee, Ratchet, Wheeljack and Ironhide, who was whining and trying to cover his pathetic self, grabbed their pumpkin baskets and strolled out the door. Jazz and the twins shouted, "Good luck and don't die!" after them.
They walked along a street lined with scary pumpkin faces everywhere. Someone painted the sky really black even though it was still late evening and a freaking face on the moon.
"I'm not ugly!" Ironhide protested. "I'm not ugly, I'm not ugly, I'm not ugly!"
"Oh yes, you are!" Ratchet teased.
"Prove it, bitch!"
"Okay, I will! … Bitch!"
The medic walked up to a random door and pressed the bell. Seconds later, Shockwave, who was wearing a shower cap and a goddamn Wonder Woman costume, opened the door.
"Trick or treat!" Ratchet said in his best terrible feminine voice, giving him a horrifying innocent look. Shockwave shrieked and freaked out so badly that his fake Wonder Woman boobs dropped out.
"Take it! Take all the eff-ing candy you want! Just leave my virgin being alone, you horrible, dipshit son of a monster!" He chucked all the sweets at Ratchet and quickly slammed the door shut.
"O-M-F-G!" Ironhide stared with wide optics.
"Ha! Is that proof enough for ya? Chalk one up for Ratch-y!"
Prowl took a big deep breath while trying to reach his ass. "Heck, this thing is freaking suffocating me! And my ass itches so much!"
Bumblebee sighed. "I guess I'll go and get some candy too…" Wheeljack agreed and followed suit. The others watched from a distance.
The yellow Camaro knocked on the second door. Almost immediately, Scorponok opened it.
"How are we gonna communicate with him like this?" Wheeljack asked.
"Luckily for us, I brought a translator with me!" Bumblebee happily whipped out a cute little pink device.
"The hell?"
Bumblebee turned to Scorponok. "Say, aren't you supposed to be with Blackout?"
Scorponok chirped twice. The two Autobots looked at the screen of the device: I called him a sissy gay and he hit me with his purse!
"Nice…"
Why the heck are you wearing a tutu?"
The metal scorpion didn't answer.
"I'm talking to you, dammit!" Bumblebee slapped his face. Scorponok got pissy and slapped his face even harder, causing the mech to tumble onto the ground. Wheeljack shrugged and looked at the device: That hurts, you assclown! You better watch out or I'll call Primus to rip out your interface cable, bastard!
"Yep, he's absolutely right…"
"Why you little whoopie cake! How could you abuse me like this!"
Scorponok chirped once. Device: My Spark goes out for you, you poor, poor soul. I shall tell you honestly what I think. You are only a goddamn comic relief character that came in second in the popularity ranking, and just look at yourself – don't you need a license to be that ugly? I bet your mother, too, must be so stupid, she called her friend just to get his phone number.
"That's so mean! For a Decepticon, you're even meaner than Megatron himself! And it's freaking long! That one chirp means this much?!"
"Stupid translator! I demand a refund, 7-11!" The two mechs angrily stepped on the device, crushing and flattening it. Device before it died: Happy Halloween, dorks! Candy showered onto them before they heard the door close.
Meanwhile…
Ding-dong!
"Ooh, they're here, they're here!" Elita squealed excitedly and rushed off to open the door.
"And they're 13.13 seconds late!" Optimus grumbled.
"Hello Megatron!" Elita waved to the guests who were Decepticons.
"Hello my little pumpkin!" Megatron blew a flying kiss disgustingly. "Catch it, darling!"
"Are you flirting with my mate? How dare you!" Optimus shouted.
"You mean you don't know?"
"We've been dating behind your back ever since you refused to have sex with me! Geez, you're living proof mechs can live without a processor!"
Taking strong offense to his sparkmate's insult, he stormed off like a sissy and went to hide in his emo corner, listening to some My Chemical Romance music. The guests didn't give a damn and stepped into the house.
Bonecrusher got pissy when he heard what was playing from the radio. "Eww… who the hell listens to Barney for Halloween? I'll change it to something darker and more emo!" He transferred all his damn playlists into the radio and Inside The Fire by Disturbed started blaring.
Jazz screamed. "My Barney song! Change it back, I tell you!"
"Never!"
The Autobot pushed him away easily and changed it back to Barney. I love you, you love-
Bonecrusher shoved the smaller mech away too. Give your soul to me, for eternity-
"Yeah, that's right! Gimme your goddamn soul!"
"I take it you haven't seen my secret ninja move…" Jazz dramatically became some Bruce Lee guy. "Awesome ninja magic, ACTIVATE!" He kicked the Decepticon's groin really, really hard.
"Oh! My virgin groin!" He tumbled onto the floor in pain, groaning for Primus' sake. "I… need… sweets! I need something sweet to get rid of this horrible pain caused by this total idiot!" Jazz did a peace sign.
Arcee happened to walk pass. "Are you eff-ing alright?"
"I said I need sweets, woman!"
"Oh right, I'll be back in a second!" She streaked off, pushing past random people who got in her way.
Brawl also happened to walk pass. "Holy mother of Primus!" He went to comfort his friend. "Where does it hurt, little one? Daddy here can heal you in a blink of an optic!"
"Who in the Pit do you think you are, you assclown?!"
"Your daddy."
"What the-" Something very gross and far from sweet was shoved into his mouth, cutting him off from what he was going to say. He tasted the thing for a split second and immediately passed out. Arcee stood before him proudly.
"Err… Arcee? What is that?"
"Oh, it's my special pumpkin omelet! I made it extra sweet just for today," Arcee smiled as she held a burnt, ugly-looking excuse for an omelet in her hand.
"What's wrong with you?! Are you trying to kill this poor little one?"
"Well, it does have an unique taste and texture…" Jazz chewed on the burnt thing for a few moments before passing out next to Bonecrusher too.
"Seems like they really love it! Wanna try?" Arcee handed the burnt thing to Brawl who backed away in horror.
"No thanks! I have a long and beautiful life ahead of me!"
Simultaneously…
Everyone watched as Wheeljack ran up to a door with a big grin on his face, his red cape flapping around annoyingly.
Frenzy heard a knock on the door and told his drone to film everything on the camera for good old memories. The little Decepticon opened the door happily.
"Da-da-di-da-ta-la!" Wheeljack screamed. "Never fear, 'cause Superman is- Wait, where's your partner Barricade?"
"I threw him out because he wanted to throw me out for throwing him out," Frenzy replied calmly.
"… I don't get it."
"Fool."
"Hey, why is there a camera here? Is it an interview for the Ellen Degeneres Show?" Wheeljack dumbly walked into the house towards the camera.
"AH! Your zipper is open! Look to the front, asshole!"
"Front? You mean to the front of the camera, like this?" He very dumbly stood in front of the camera. How shameful - his groin had a mosaic.
"Oh hell! Quick, stop the goddamn camera!"
Time skiiiiiiiiiip!
"I am cow, hear me moo! I weigh twice as much as you! And I look good on the barbeque-"
Ratchet smacked his head while Ironhide covered his audio receptors. "Shut up! All of you just shut up! Prowl, do something!"
The second-in-command shook his head vigorously. "I can't breathe right…! Help me…!" Nobody heard him, though, especially when Wheeljack was singing so terribly loud.
"We need more candy," Bumblebee stated. "Prowl, go get some more candy."
"Why me…?"
Bumblebee sadistically brought out a Voodoo doll that looked so much like Prowl. "Want me to stick something up your ass?"
"Alright, I'll go…!" He stuck out the finger at Bumblebee and wandered off.
Blackout, wearing a Batman mask, opened the door when Prowl knocked. "Trick or-" The Autobot fainted right there and then.
"Oh my Primus! Prowl, are you okay?" Ratchet screamed.
"This is bad! How are we gonna tell the horrendous creature whom his father is married to that their son is dying?" Ironhide panicked.
"Hey! Aren't you talking about my mother?! It's my mother, isn't it?!" Prowl spat at him angrily.
"Idiot! You're not supposed to move or talk!" Bumblebee hissed.
"Oh yeah, I forgot. Sorry, readers." He went back to playing dead.
Everyone blinked twice and then shrugged. Leaving Prowl on the ground, they went back to trick-or-treating.
"Which sweet do you all want? I have lots," Blackout asked.
"Mentos…"
"Mars Bars…"
"Cranberry lollipops…"
"Okay. Let me give you all a Halloween gift first." Blackout whipped out a little pink purse.
"Bloody hell. The scorpion was right…"
Later, everyone decided to visit one last house before retiring to home. Ironhide fixed his bunny ears while complaining to himself.
"Damn this outfit… Damn the cold… Most of all, damn that bitch Cranberry!"
"Easy, 'Hide. Maybe some candy could cheer you up," Wheeljack said as he piggybacked Prowl. Bumblebee suddenly became nice and kind and helped knock on the door of a random house.
"Barricade, my good man!" Bumblebee cried excitedly when he saw who was at the door. "Trick or treat!"
"Hello 'Bee! Why aren't you wearing a costume like everyone else?"
"That's because I am already a bee."
"But you don't look like one."
"Yes I do, you blind-ass number 2… hey it rhymes…"
Barricade ignored him, when Ironhide, in his awesome bunny girl outfit, caught his attention. "'Bee? Who's that wearing the bunny thingy?"
"Oh, that's Ironhide."
"Wow, she sure is stunning…" Barricade stared, mesmerized, as Ironhide scratched his groin.
"Err… okay…"
Barricade's optics became hearts. He absent-mindedly walked up to the Autobot and proceeded to flirt with him.
"So… are you free tomorrow night?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Oh, just wanna chat and know more about you, you know. We can have fun together and be friends, you know… we can even be more than just friends…"
"I'm sorry… err… I have therapy class tomorrow night…"
"Oh, that's too bad. But you know you don't necessarily have to go somewhere else for that. You can always come to me for therapy and I can guarantee I'll make you feel really good…"
"Go to hell, you *beep*!" Ironhide kicked his groin and sent him flying elsewhere. "I wonder why your bitch gave birth to a gay lord!"
At the same time…
"…Okay everybody, settle down! You all must be very tired after playing those shitty games, so let's share scary stories!" Firestar suggested.
"Yeah, let's!" Brawl exclaimed as he plopped his ass down on the couch. People grabbed beanbags and chairs and sat in a circle.
"Hey, where's Starscream?" Thundercracker asked.
"I saw him in the kitchen a while ago. Never mind about him, he'll join us later," Skywarp told him.
"Somebody turn off the lights!" Firestar commanded. As Megatron was the nearest to the switches, he got up and turned them off.
"Nooo! No scary stories!" Moonracer appeared from nowhere and pushed him off. She turned on the lights again.
"Scaredy-cat!" Megatron turned them off. Thus began the war of light switches.
Pissy, Chromia stood up, licked her finger, and smeared all the goo onto the switch when it was off.
"Eww, Chromia! That was disgustingly awesome!"
"Ah! I can't see! I can't see! The darkness is gonna eat me!" Sighing, Brawl grabbed Moonracer's shaking hand and pulled her onto the couch next to him.
"I'll start first, then we shall go in a clockwise manner," Firestar said, turning on a flashlight and shining the light on her face from below to make it look creepy.
"One day, a girl was alone at home-"
"Oh no! She's gonna die!" Sunstreaker screamed.
"-A parcel was left at the door so she opened it-"
"No! Why must she open it?" Sunstreaker screamed.
"-Inside there were puzzle pieces. She put them aside, and later that night, she heard scary noises outside her bedroom window. To keep her mind off of them, the girl decided to solve the puzzle-"
"She is such an idiot!" Sunstreaker screamed.
"Oh somebody please shut him up! … Anyway, when she had finished the puzzle, she realized it was a picture of her in her own bedroom solving the puzzle, and there was a tall scary-looking man with a knife outside the window. Freaked out, the girl slowly looked out of the window and, indeed, there stood the man with a knife looking at her. She screamed, and ran out her room to tell her father who had his back to her. She approached him, but instead, it was the scary-looking man. And when their eyes met…"
"THERE'S NOT ENOUGH PEANUT BUTTER!" Starscream's face suddenly appeared behind Firestar freakishly. Everyone started screaming like little girls, especially Sunstreaker, who screamed the loudest.
"You almost gave me a Spark attack!" Elita added.
"'Screamer! Why do you have to scare us in the middle of the story?" Sideswipe complained.
"Like I care! Somebody had used up all the damn peanut butter, so how in the Pit am I gonna eat these shit?" He held up a plate of rice covered almost fully with peanut butter.
"You've got more than enough already, you idiot! Those don't even look like rice anymore. It's just a glob of brownness!" Elita cried. "And who the hell eats rice with peanut butter anyway?"
"My turn," Chromia said, ignoring Starscream's curse words. "This is a true story, by the way. There was a young girl, by the name of Sally, and she sat right here with her friends in a circle, telling ghost stories. But then she had to go, due to a high tide, so she rushed off to the toilet in the middle of a story. After realizing that there was no more toilet paper, she shouted for her friend to get some for her. However, no one heard her cries. After the party, everyone left, leaving Sally forgotten in the toilet. And thus, she eventually died being stuck in the toilet as no one rescued her…"
"Question!" Thundercracker raised his hand.
"What?"
"The story doesn't make sense. There was enough oxygen for her to breathe, and food and water, which were her poo and pee, and besides, someone was bound to go to the toilet too, so she could call for help. Why would she die anyway?"
"Because I said so, dammit."
Sideswipe shook his head at their stupidity and turned on the lights. "It's still wet!"
"Err… you mentioned that the girl sat right here… where exactly?" Skywarp asked.
"In your place."
Skywarp disappeared. Everyone blinked and turned slowly towards a closet where he had made a giant hole and buried his head in.
"Skywarp, what are you doing?" Starscream demanded.
"… Oh, nothing. I thought I saw a gateway to Zimbabwe."
"Don't tell me you're scared of a ghost…" Starscream sighed. "…Eh? Where's Thundercracker?"
Everyone turned his or her heads in the other direction slowly. Just as they expected, Thundercracker was trying to fit himself into a box.
"Thundercracker, what are you doing?"
"Oh, I'm just looking for the entrance to the Land of Jellybeans…"
"I give up on you two wimps…"
Just then, everyone gasped, even the two wimps. They all stared in horror at the Decepticon Air Commander.
"What? Quit staring at me like that – I know I'm very pretty!" They continued staring in horror. "Alright, if you all are trying to trick me, it ain't gonna work."
Brawl and Moonracer slowly pointed behind Starscream, who huffed and turned around.
"THERE'S NO MORE TOILET PAPER!" A scary-looking girl screamed in his face.
Starscream blinked twice. "G-Good day…"
Later…
The five looked calmly as everyone ran out of the house screaming.
"Did Sally visit again?" Bumblebee asked.
Wheeljack replied happily, "Oh, how nice of her!"