Hello! Before you start to read this, I find it only fair to warn you how unbelievably stupid it is. This is not meant as a serious story, I wrote it for a friend, and half the funny things in there are inside jokes. So, if you find yourself asking... "What the hell is this? IT MAKES NO SENSE!!!!" do not fret, for I am sure you are not the only one. Please reframe from flaming this, I know how stupid it is. Hope it makes you laugh! Enjoy! (if you can)
"Edward! For the last time, you can not keep that tuna! Even if it is in the closet!" I yelled at Edward, for what seemed about the hundredth time.
"But, Bella, I love him... why would you want to take him away from me?" Edward said. It looked like he had tears in his eyes.
"You are being ridiculous! Why do you want the tuna?" I was getting agitated – Edward had been paying more attention to that damn tuna than me. He had found it one day when we were out swimming in the ocean. I was lying out on the beach and he and Jasper went to go for a swim. Emmett and Alice were chatting easily and Rosalie was busy looking at her gorgeous reflection in the mirror she brought. When Edward and Jasper came back up from the water, they were both giggling... rather girlishly. So began the trouble.
"Because he can dance, unlike you!" Edward shot back at me. I gasped and flung my hands to my throat.
"How dare you? The tuna doesn't even have legs!"
"His name isn't tuna! His name is Jazzy Poo."
"What the hell kind of name is Jazzy Poo? Did you name it after Jasper?!"
"What's it to you? I named it after someone who is actually nice!"
"Edward, you are being an idiot. I am nice, nice enough not to hit you upside the head! Now give me the tuna. Now, Edward Cullen!"
"NO!" Edward said as he ran away. Damn him, I would never be able to catch him. He was already at the edge of the forest. I looked after him, and I swore I saw Jasper, but I figured I was just imagining things. I walked down stairs, trying to get away from the stench of tuna.
"Looks like you and Edward are having your first big fight," Rosalie said from behind me with a smirk on her lips. "The first fight is never the worst though. If you ever want company when he is being a jackass, come by my room. I'll kick Emmett out."
I nodded, trying to hide my shock of her being really nice. It made me happy that we might actually have a friendship now. I walked into the living room where Alice and Emmett were playing video games.
"Hey, Alice, where is Renesmee?" I asked. She only gave me a shrug in reply. Probably with her dog...
"Ha! Eat that Alice! I won!" Emmett shouted as his car crossed the finish line first. She socked him in the shoulder and Emmett yelped.
"You won't next time," Alice said with complete conviction in her voice.
"Emmy... I'm bored!" Rosalie said in a whiny voice.
"Uh... hang on just a minute, Babe. One more race."
"No! Now!" She screeched and grabbed his arm, pulling him away from the controller.
"Rose! Let him play!" Alice cried after her. When she got no response, she pouted and chucked the controller. "Stupid, Rose."
What was wrong with everyone today? Where is Edward? I let out a frustrated sigh and plunked down on the couch.
"I'm thirsty. Let's go hunting," I suggested to Edward. We were still mad at each other, and I was trying my best to get him to say more than three words to me.
"I'm not," he said as he gazed forward at the TV. I sighed and laid my head on his shoulder.
"I'll go with you Bella! I'm thirsty, too," Rosalie said with a small smile.
"Oh! I'm in!" Emmett yelled, standing up.
"Me too! Want to come Jasper?" Alice said, as bubbly as ever.
"I'm not thirsty," Jasper said quietly. We all stopped and stared at him.
"What? I'm not thirsty. Leave me alone!" Jasper said as he wrapped his arms around his knees and hid his head.
Edward got up and left me, to go over and comfort Jasper. "Just go ahead and go hunting." Edward looked a little mad that Jasper was hurt. Men... I would never understand them.
"Fine then. You know Carlisle and Esme would be freaked out, too. It isn't our fault," I said angrily and then swiftly walked out the door. It was a good thing Carlisle and Esme went out on another honeymoon. Everybody was being so weird. I wondered where my baby was, too, but I knew Jacob was taking care of her.
I finished off the bear I caught and looked up to see Rose catching herself a bear. Was it weird that I thought she was sexy as she hunted? I thought Edward was, too... but Rose was really in her element when hunting.
Deciding things were getting too weird, I headed home, without telling the others. Alice was searching for something to eat and Emmett was on his third animal. No one would notice.
I ran to the house and opened the back door. What the hell was that sound? It sounded like rustling clothes... and I didn't want to know. I walked into the living room to see my husband and my brother rolling around, making out. My eyes went wide and I was about to scream, when something popped up right next to me. I jumped back and there was a vampire with a video camera.
"Who the hell are you?" I hissed.
"Oh, I'm here to video tape those two finally admitting they love each other," she said and gestured with her hand at the very busy Edward and Jasper. She smiled and clicked a few buttons and aimed the camera at the couple on the floor... in only their boxers, I might add. I was going to be mad... but it was actually pretty sexy.
"Uh... What is your name?" I asked uncertainly.
Suddenly another vampire rushed through the back door. He was tall, had amazingly shiny orange hair, and wore a kilt.
"That is Wilson. I'm Mr. Innes!" said (apparently) Mr. Innes.
"Oh... kay. What are you both doing here?"
"Obviously here to watch these two spill their guts about their love! After they are done, of course. Is that a wood cross over there?!" He said, swiftly walking towards the wood. He looked like he was in love...
WHAT WAS GOING ON?!
"Hey, they are going to in just a minute! Want to watch?" Christina said happily.
Jasper had just rolled on top of Edward – Oh great, Edward is the chick - when Edward looked up and Jasper said "I love you."
Christina and Mr. Innes choked back giggles. I was completely unamused. Couldn't they hear us RIGHT HERE?
"I know," said Jasper, trailing his hand up Edward's thigh, "I can feel-"
"OKAY! THAT'S IT! YOU ARE GOING INTO MY TERRITORY THERE!" I screamed at both of them.
"Bella!" They both yelled and jumped back from each other.
"Aw, now you have gone and ruined the second intense make out scene! I was looking forward to that!" exclaimed Christina, extremely disappointed. She even had a small pout on her face.
Jasper fired off questions. "Who are you? Why are you here? WHY DO YOU HAVE A VIDEO CAMERA?!"
"She is Wilson! How many times do I have to say it? We are here to see you two. It is so annoying to... IS THAT A TABLE MADE OF BALSA WOOD?!" Mr. Innes ranted.
I missed being human... I could actually kill myself then. What was going on? I was so confused!
"Bella?" Edward looked up at me, his eyes begging me to know what was going on.
"I don't know! Why don't you ask Jasper?"
"At least he would try to help me!" Edward shot back.
"OH! Go suck Jasper's face!" I yelled.
"Yeah! That is exactly what you should do!" Christina cried.
Edward and Jasper looked at each other and shrugged. Jasper lunged at Edward and they began to make out again. My jaw dropped in shock. How dare he?
"Wow... What's going on?" Emmett asked, coming in the house with Alice and Rose.
"I... have no idea." I said. I didn't know how to explain it.
"Shh! You are messing with the atmosphere for my tape!" Christina whispered loudly. Mr. Innes walked over to her with a plank of wood in his hands.
"Hmm, that is going to come out good. We should send it into Gay Pride," Mr. Innes said quietly. Christina nodded her head vigorously, smiling madly.
Someone tugged at my arm. I looked back to see Rose, towing me towards the back door. The others were too involved in the spectacle of Edward and Jasper to notice. Superhearing my ass... it doesn't work all the time!
"Rose? What's up?" I asked cautiously.
She didn't say anything, just pulled me into her and kissed me.
WHAT HAPPENED AFTERWARDS IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!
"Jasper, do you have the morphine?" Edward squealed anxiously. He was such a girl now.
"Yes, Honey, I have the morphine," Jasper said calmly, of course.
"Do you think it will keep him from feeling the pain? Did it really work, Bella?" Edward asked, looking at me.
Edward was planning on turning his tuna into a vampire tuna. He wanted the morphine so the fish... or Jazzy Poo, ugh, didn't feel pain. Not that it wasn't dead, but nobody had the heart to tell Edward that.
"Yes, Edward, it worked," I said as evenly as possible. Stupid idiot boy and his tuna and his gay partner.
Edward sniffled a bit and said, "Alright, I'm going to do it. I would like to be alone with him, if you all wouldn't mind."
We all filed out, except for Jasper, who decided to stay and make out with Edward
"Yes!" Christina, who we now all called Chi, popped into the room with her video camera. I rolled my eyes and walked down stairs and sat next to Rose. She was amazing. *Que dreamy eyes and slight drooling at her glory.*
"Look! I found a wooden spoon!" Mr. Innes called from the kitchen. Why were these random people still here? I didn't know.
"Bella, how gorgeous do you think I am?" Rose asked in that sexy, whiny voice...
"Words cannot say," I replied dreamily. She rewarded me with a pleased smile.
"Okay, they are done. Just forty more minutes of hawt make out sessions and I can afford a llama!" Chi said excitedly.
"You know, you could just buy wood. It is better. Or take a trip to Wyoming. You can run naked there... with wood. Lots of wood. WOODEN CHEST!" Mr. Innes yelled.
Chi smiled happily and promptly disappeared. After Mr. Innes saw the wooden chest, he disappeared out of the back door.
"Where are Alice and Emmett?" I asked Rose.
"They are on a date," she sneered.
"Huh... that is nice I suppose," I said absently. Great, we have completely turned our couples around.
Jasper walked down the stairs with a smile on his face, then turned and sat in the middle of the floor, in front of the TV.
"We are home!" Esme called out.
"Oh! This should be interesting!" Chi said, popping out of nowhere - video camera in hand, of course.
"Hello...?" Esme and Carlisle looked at Chi, then me.
Oh lord, where to begin?