I breathed in deeply. Then again. How ironic. I'm trying to calm myself down by breathing. And to think that in a week, there won't even be a need for me to breathe again. That thought only increases the racing of my heart. Why am I so scared? I wanted this, I begged for this. It wasn't easy for Edward, but he finally agreed. He asked me a hundred times to think it over. And I really did think that I had thought it over. But.. I guess not. Anyway, he didn't sound happy about it, but he's going to change me. In a week. He gave me one more week to make sure. And I complained then; but now I'm actually grateful.
The truth is, I'm terrified. Terrified of the thought of becoming a vampire. I usually lie to myself. I tell myself that it'll all be fine, I'll be with Edward. And truly, just that thought is enough to get me through an eternal life as a vampire. But it's not going to stop my terror or indecision. I really don't know if I can go through with it, I'm not as brave as I thought I was I guess.
I really need to talk to someone, someone who'll understand what I'm going through. I mentally ticked off the list of people who were out of the question. Let's see, start with some ridiculous ones, get them out of the way:
Lauren. That's almost humorous to think of.
Jessica… well she would have a lot to say on the topic anyway. And imagine how juicy gossip that would be.
Mike. That thought is.. Laughable. That would be a pleasant conversation. " Hey Mike, how are ya? I was wondering.. I'm going to turn into a vampire soon to be with Edward… can we talk about it?" Yeah. That would be some fun.
Angela. She would be the easiest one of my school friends to talk to, no doubt, but still…. There's that little thing that I can't tell anyone that's the Cullens aren't human…
Charlie. I can imagine him freaking out. Well, actually, I don't want to imagine him freaking out.
Renee. See above.
Phil. Because we're so close and all that.
Oh, and let's not forget Jake. How much fun would that be? I'm sure he'd be able to keep perfect control and not kill me…
Speaking of people who can easily kill me, we of course need to bring up the beloved Edward. If he thought there was the tiniest shred of doubt, at all, in the slightest, he would never change me. Ever. That's the main reason right now I'm grateful that he can't read me.
The only people I can talk to are vampires themselves. And the questions I want to ask them. I'm afraid they'll be offended. But I can't help being scared!
So now let's go through the Cullens, shall we?
Emmett. Well, he'd probably take it as a joke. So not exactly the best person to confide my feelings in.
Rosalie. If I wanted to be convinced NOT to change, I would go to her.
Esme. She wouldn't be too bad. But I feel like I would offend her easily. By telling her my doubts and all that.. It's kind of insulting her lifestyle.
Jasper: He's possible, I guess? He'll probably make me excited or upset, depending on what he really wants. He won't be objective.
Carlisle. I do feel like he'd be easy to talk to about this, and that he wouldn't be too offended… but still. I think the best option is Alice.
I don't know what to do! With a sigh, I turn and walk towards the house.
" Bella!". Edward shouts out, rushing over to me.
" Hey Edward… ummm I need to talk to Alice for a second."
He looked puzzled. " Sure? Alice"
It's not very loud, but she'll hear him. Within a minute, she's beside Edward.
" Oh, hey Bella. What's up?"
" Can we talk?" I bit my lip hard, until I realized that I did NOT want to bleed here by any means.
She doesn't look surprised. I bet she saw it coming. " Oh sure, come on. Let's walk outside."
"Are you sure? I asked, slightly alarmed. " It's kind of sunny out".
" I'll be fine." She smiles, takes my hand and we walk out of the door, leaving Edward in shock for who knows what reason.
Once we get a little while away from the house, Alice turns back to me. " So, what do you want to talk to me about, Bella?" she asks lightheartedly. Probably expecting a joke or something.
" Umm.. I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions on being… you know". I groaned. This was not going to go well if I couldn't even say the word vampire out loud.
" Of course, Bella, whatever you want to know."
I take a deep breath. " Well.. I'm just kind of scared about it right now… I don't know where to begin. Umm.. My first fear is .. I know it sounds stupid. But, um, I'm scared about the transformation. I mean, how much does it hurt exactly?? I'm not really very brave when I comes to physical pain."
Alice looked pained. " I'm not going to lie to you Bella. It's agony. It feels like a fire, engulfing your every nerve. Not a very pleasant or helpful description, and you have to understand, I'm not trying to scare you from doing it. I'm just giving you the cold, hard facts, even though it'd probably be better for you not to hear them. Bella, you'll beg to die. But it's only three days. Three days and you're a vampire forever."
Alice had tried to calm me down with that. But it was doing the opposite. Because that in fact, was my next fear. " Alice, I don't mean to be rude, but I'm more scared of even being a vampire than the transformation.
I thought I could handle it, I really did. But yesterday me and Charlie bonded a bit. We walked across the park. It was not raining for once". I laughed and continued. ' The whole park was bathed in sunlight. It looked.. Absolutely amazing. " I sighed. " And I realized, with a jolt, that that might've been my very last sunlight walk in public. And I tried not to be upset about it. It didn't work. Oh Alice, how do you bear it! To not be able to do that. To not be able to cry, to sleep, to really feel? Oh, Alice! I want to be with Edward, forever, in a thousand eternities, but I'm so scared! I want to feel blood coursing through my veins, I want to live."
I looked down, embarrassed and upset about my outburst. I noticed, half ironically, that Alice was glittering. But it wasn't enough to alarm anyone, just to make people think she had very bad taste in body glitter. Despite myself, I snickered quietly. But of course Alice heard it.
" What's so funny?" She asked softly.
I fought back the urge to laugh out loud. " I was just thinking about your horrible taste in body glitter."
She let out a chuckle as well. " But, seriously Bella. You need to talk to Rosalie."
" ROSALIE!!???" Was she joking? Had she forgotten how incredibly close we were?
" She feels the way you do. She misses every little human trait you possess. And it might upset her to bring up the subject of you giving it up. But now she'll see that you feel almost the way she does. And she won't hate you. Better yet, her advice will be a lot better than mine on that subject, trust me"
I sighed. It was a long shot, but I was so confused at the moment. Talking to Rosalie might deplete that confusion, but then again it might not. " Might as well give it a try" I said out loud and we walked towards the house again to find Rosalie.
" One more thing Alice, you won't tell Edward will you?"
Alice looked at me slowly. " No, I won't betray you like that. But Bella, he needs to know if you're having doubts."
" I'll think about it".
We walked in silence the rest of the way to the house.