Sooooooo... I've been getting crazy!cas feels and I really just want to them to fucking be together okay. Super excited for Season GR8 tonight so wrote this to distract myself. I'm not over the moon with it and it could do with a little work (hey I'm new at this leave me be), but it's good enough.
It's set after season 7, before season 8. Crazy!Cas and a little angst ensures.
lol see if you can spot where I tried to throw some poetry in /snorting.
"How is he?" Sam eyes flickered over to where Castiel was sat across the room. A once glorious, almost unstoppable angel of The Lord and now… well.
"He's still ten sides of crazy, Sammy." Dean joined his brother in looking at their fallen angel. Their friend. Their best friend. They'd been through more rough patches than the usual triplet of friends but throughout it all, all Cas did was try to help. Dean realises this now and still feels his gut wrench with guilt each time he thinks of the arguments they had.
A lot had gone down in purgatory. When Cas had disappeared from beside him, he was overcome with a nauseating fear. Not just for himself. Sure, most of the… things or whatever they were that were in purgatory, him and his brother had put there. So obviously he received an interesting welcome, but his fear wasn't for himself. In Dean's eyes, this was punishment and he deserved it.
His self loathing had increased astronomically in the past seven years. His fear was for Sam, who was left ground level, alone. Sammy. His little brother who'd he'd sworn to protect only to keep failing. Dean didn't know what happened to the rest of the gooey douchebags. Had they all gone down Revenge of the Sith style after the big bad boss was gone? Had the weapon stayed up there so he had something to protect himself? Dean was the last to protect Sam. Bobby was gone. Ellen. Jo. Frank. No angels. Not that they'd be up for protecting a Winchester, if there were any left anyway.
Then there was Cas. Jesus. Cas had disappeared and his new, looney bin self didn't "participate in conflict". This thought crippled him. How was he meant to save Cas? A freakin' angel from purgatory? One that no longer fights? He really was a baby in a trench coat. An ill helpless child, surrounded by incredibly pissed off monsters.
Purgatory and ended... interestingly. Dean shudders at the state he eventually found Cas in.
"Dean!" Sam's voice snaps him back to the present time and he looks away from Cas.
"Sorry."
"You were thinking about purgatory weren't you?" Sam's voice softens and concern fills his features. Dean gives a grunt and nods. "You wanna talk?"
Dean gives him an exasperated look and Sam throws his hands up in defeat.
"Thought so. Well you know where I am, Dean. I'm going out, you want anything? Aside from pie?" Sam added as soon as Dean opened his mouth.
"Thata boy, Sam." Dean grins, leaving Sam to roll his eyes. He glances at Castiel before he leaves, who now appears to be sat cross legged setting up 'Connect-Four'. Dean sighs and stays standing in the door way gazing at his angel. A long while passes before Cas looks up and smiles at Dean. It's a smile that's not his own, it's not Castiel's. It's this crazy idjit who just looks and smells and sounds like Cas.
"Do you want to play, Dean?"
"Sure." He pushes off the door and goes to sit opposite him. Dean has given up trying to talk to Cas about purgatory. He either doesn't answer, whether this is because he doesn't actually understand or hear what Dean said, he doesn't know, or he goes quiet and won't speak for hours. It's been six months since they escaped. All Dean wants is to have someone who can relate to him. Who understands. He wants his damn angel back. His angel, not this dumbed down, crazed version.
"Did you know that for butterflies to fly their body temperature must be no less than 86 degrees fahrenheit."
"No, Cas, I did not know that." Dean refrained from rolling his eyes.
"You seem sad." Castiel isn't looking at Dean; he is paying the majority of his attention to Dean's hand as it picks up one of the counters and fiddles with it in his hand.
Dean snorts and shoves the counter in anywhere. He doesn't care anymore.
"Maybe you should start watching the bees, too, Dean. It's very therapeutic."
"I'm not gonna start talking to freakin' bees, Cas." Dean rubs his forehead and leans back against the sofa. Cas' face droops and he drops his hand. Dean sighs.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to snap. Your turn."
Cas wins the first game. Half way through their second game, Cas takes a long time during one of his moves. Then he stops.
"Dean." Dean snaps his head up. Something has changed. His voice is different. Rougher.
"Cas?" Dean shoves the game to the side, ignoring the clattering of counters.
"What's happened to me? Why are there so many insects in my mind?"
"You sorta went a bit crazy after..." He trails off. Last time he said the word purgatory to Cas he freaked out and locked himself in a cupboard for six hours.
"After purgatory." His face changes. A huge weight seems to be pulling him down, misery after misery of the crap they endured. He doesn't want to believe it's really his angel back but... what if it is? What if for once he finally caught a break?
"Are you... is this you back?" Dean doesn't dare hope, but then again... Castiel stands up and Dean follows, watching his every move. Not daring to look away in case he disappears.
"I don't know. I can feel it coming back. I don't know how long I have left. I'm lost, Dean." His voice breaks and Dean steps forward to grasp his hand. Cas' eyes snap down and Dean hastily pulls his hand away, feeling his face flush.
"Sorry." He mumbles before clearing his throat; he won't let anything ruin this moment.
"Personal space, Dean."
"Uh, right. Sorry." Rejection hits Dean hard in the chest. The only pleasure, the only good thing that had come out of purgatory was them. Okay, it wasn't entirely Castiel, but they'd just sort of, slotted together and they needed each other. They were together. And yeah okay, Dean loved him. He'd only admit it to Cas as he was dropping off to sleep, something he still wasn't used to, and once accidentally to Sam but he knew anyway. There was finally someone who loved him, in a different way from family, who would literally give up their life (several times over actually) for him because they meant so much to each other.
Yes, Dean was angry at Cas because he wasn't his angel anymore. Yes, he was guilty for feeling angry with him. Okay, sometimes he'd pretend he didn't even know the dude because he was so torn with how he felt, but he still loved him. For old Cas, his angel, not crazy Cas, to come back and reject him? The pain was unbearable. Dean began doing as he used to: shutting down. Building walls. Pretending he was okay when really he was falling apart.
"No, Dean I meant... I was always," Dean felt a sharp twist as Cas lifted his hands and used finger quotations, "'all up in your space' and you found it 'uncomfortable'? Did that change? I am sorry but I don't... I don't remember anything, Dean." Dean watched as confusion and worry flickered across his features. He remembers when they used to be like this. All flirtation and denial.
"Yeah we... we're uh, together now."
"Oh. And we kissed?" Dean felt heat rush up his neck and he cleared his throat.
"Yeah, and... yeah."
Castiel was quiet for a moment. When he spoke his voice was barely audible.
"I'm sorry I missed that."
Not one for missing any opportunity, especially not a good one when they came so rarely, Dean stepped forward, and kissed him. He felt the muffled gasp against his lips, before the reciprocation and arms wrapping themselves around him.
After the kiss, they simply held each other. Castiel whispering 'Thank you that was very pleasant' in Dean's ear, a rare but happy bubble fluttering in Dean's stomach, a small moment of perfection in their otherwise fucked up lives.
When they pulled apart, they slipped their hands together and stared. Green into blue. Earth longing for the vast expanse of the blue sky, merging together in a desire to escape to somewhere safer, somewhere they could fuse together with no interruption. A swallow carried on the breath of the Earth, caressed as dives and soars, relishing the breeze under its wings.
"I want to stay here, Dean. I don't want to go." A vast sadness filled the blue, and the green replied with its own sorrow.
"Then stay."
Then just like that, the swallow flew away.
"Did you know the placement of a donkey's eyes in its head, enables it to see all four hooves at all times. I do not understand why God found this a necessary factor when he created the donkeys. Isn't that strange, Dean?"