I don't own Rent or any of its characters.
I don't know what it is about her. She never cared enough about the relationship to really show me that she wanted it. I don't get it.
She's sitting there like it doesn't matter to her. Her back is turned to me hunched over the desk in front of her. It's always like this. We'll fight, and I'm visibly hurt by it, but her face doesn't give me anything. She doesn't show any emotion, she doesn't cry, she doesn't get angry, she just stays quiet.
I hate those four words. Every time they come out of her mouth, I always want to take them and shove them back into her throat.
"It's not a big deal."
Fuck those words. Fuck her. Jeeze, she's such a fucking bitch.
I shake my head sadly. I really don't know if she cares or not. No scratch that, I do know she cares, I just hate the way she doesn't show it.
She's broken my heart time and again, and yet, I stay. Breaking up with her has crossed my mind but I can't bring myself to do it because I'm too in love with her. I can't see myself with out her. There have been too many promises made between us that I pray won't get broken.
I turn back to my own task. I sit on the couch reading the book I had started two weeks ago. I've been reading the same line over and over again for the past five minutes. I can feel jaw beginning to hurt because I'm gritting my teeth. After every fight we have I can't stand the silence and I can't concentrate on anything else. I'll fidget in my seat, looking up at her every so often to see if she was in anyway going to apologize.
I tend to apologize first when things go wrong. I can't take us not talking and being angry at each other so I just go over to her and try to make nice. I'm weak, I know. I'll try to hold back and not do anything, but it never gets to her and I'm the one that goes to her first.
I hate the way I can't stay away from her. I hate the way that I can't stay angry or mad at her long enough to prove anything. Weak. That's all. Weak.
I know I have strength and will. In the courtroom, at my office, in the kitchen, in bed, I might add.
But when it comes to this, this silence that eats away at my heart, the anger that develops with every argument…I can't stand it.
I walk out of the room knowing she isn't going to apologize. I change into my pajamas and slip into the bed we share. I hope she'll come and settle next to me. I hope she'll pull me close to her and cuddle up against me. That's all she has to do to melt my heart.
I'm still awake even though I can feel how tired I am. Thinking about this too much keeps me up at night. I hear her come into the room. She turns off the light and gets into the bed. She doesn't pull me to her. She doesn't say a word to me. I don't sleep at all that night.
Nothing is resolved.
I come back from work the next day. Earlier, she came to my office for lunch like she usually does every day. She acted like nothing happened and nothing was amiss. She's sitting in front of the TV covered up in her blanket now.
"Hi baby." She turns to look at me and smiles. I don't know if that was real or not. We fight so often and things go unresolved so much that I can almost feel everything is falling apart around us and somehow only staying together by a miracle.
She notices that I don't smile at her or say anything. She asks me what's wrong and I say that nothings wrong. I can feel a fight coming already. This shouldn't be happening but it is, and I'll let it.
"Joanne, why won't you tell me what's wrong?"
I hesitate. And then it comes.
"You don't care. You don't show that you care. We've been together for nearly two years now and I still feel like I'm unsure whether you even feel the same for me. I love you. I'm in love with you, but I don't get the same from you. You tell me you love me but I don't feel like you do. And every time I tell you this you tell me you'll change. You tell me you'll fix it. I believe you every time. I let you off every time."
The words are there. My mind is telling me that its time for me to break up with her. But my heart won't let me do it. I feel as if I could die if she wasn't with me. She's become everything to me, and nothing else matters if she's not there.
I don't say it. Instead I hear her say them.
She scoffs, "I'm tired of this Jo. This is stupid. This is so fucking stupid. It's not a big deal! I don't know why you're making it something it isn't!!" her voice turns into a whisper, "I don't think I can do this anymore… I don't want to be with you."
My mouth goes dry. I feel like I'm dying.
I don't know where I found my voice, but I did. I could barely hear myself when I whisper, "You don't?"
"No."
And that's all she says.
AN: I haven't written in a really long time. I was in a semi-depressed mood so i wrote. Hopefully there will be more writing from me soon. I'm kinda iffy about continuing with this story. I like it as it is...but maybe if you guys want more I'll do so. =] not guaranteed though. happy new year everyone!!