A/N: This is based on "Revenge of the Sith" concept art where Padme takes a blade with her to Mustafar to make Anakin pay for his sins. The original plan for the movie was for her to back out at the last minute but I wanted to explore what would have happened not only if this had happened, but if she had gone through with it.
The title of this story is Latin for "Angel of Death".
She sits frozen in place for what feels like hours after Obi-Wan's ship vanishes from the skyline. It may well have been hours, she can't tell, right now time feels like nothing to her… How can something like time possibly be taking up valuable space in her mind when she has so much more to think about? She could sit here for a year and still have reached no conclusion. It's only when she sees the little droplet of water fall from her cheek and onto the soft purple tweed of her robe that she realises she's crying, and lifts a hand to quickly wipe away any other tears that may be marring her skin. How can it be true? How could something so terrible have happened right beneath her nose? Her husband, her Ani… Turned to the dark side?
He's been so troubled lately; pained by his desire power and more so by the distrust he faces from the Council despite everything he has done for the Order… But she'd just assumed that, like any storm, it would soon pass, giving way to the sun once more. She's been far too caught up in the crumbling Republic to notice her own husband's plunge into darkness… What kind of a wife is she? If she'd paid more attention to him, perhaps she would have seen the signs before it came to this… How didn't anyone see the signs? Not her, not Obi-Wan, not the Council… Nobody noticed Anakin spiralling out of control, piece by piece. Somebody should have noticed and looked after him yet no one did… Not his masters, not his best friend and certainly not his wife.
It is they, who have failed Anakin, not the other way around as many will believe.
The world as she knows it is collapsing all around her, being replaced by Palpatine's so called Galactic Empire… Freedom and democracy, two things she has spent her life working for, will surely wither away if something is not done to save them. And Anakin has helped pave the way toward this madness. He has slaughtered his Jedi brethren… People he has fought beside for years! And… And the Younglings… Those poor children! Once more she finds herself wondering, how this could have happened?
"I killed them… I killed them all."
She remembers those words as if he'd uttered them mere moments ago, not years. She saw then, the darkness that lurks within him but she also saw the light, the boy who wanted to be a hero, she saw Ani who'd just lost the only family he had. Padme looked past the darkness then and she loved him more for it. But now… He has done such unspeakable things. Slaughtered innocents simply because Palpatine ordered it… She has warned him time and time again about that man's influence! She'd known there was something wrong with it, why couldn't he just listen to her?
Padme doesn't want to believe a word of this, she wants desperately to cling to her hope that it's all lies, that someone is lying… But deep down, she sees the truth. What Obi-Wan said is true, every terrible word of it. All this time her beloved has been losing himself, clinging to the good inside him like sand in his palms… It was all slipping between his fingers and he's been helpless to catch it while she shrugged off his problems, believing they were not as important those of the Republic.
She is supposed to be his wife, his partner, someone he can turn to in his worst times for help and find only open arms and love. Just how often throughout this war, throughout their marriage has Padme been this for him? Not nearly often enough is the heart breaking answer. Even in the fleeting times they have managed to be together, she has always put duty over Anakin and their marriage. And now, here are the results.
All this time, he has been so afraid of losing her, he has lost countless hours of sleep to the fear, has drifted apart from the Jedi and his friends and fallen prey to Palpatine's manipulations, that it has never once occurred to either of them that she might just be the one to lose him.
When Obi-Wan finds out where he is, he'll go to Mustafar himself… He'll kill him. He all but admitted it before. Her beloved will be struck down like Dooku or Grievous were and Padme cannot allow such a thing to happen. She'll go there herself and she'll bring him back. There's still good in him, she knows there is… If anyone can bring him back to the light, it's her. Of course, she is not delusional in her faith in him. Things can never be as they once were, he has burned far too many bridges, but they can go away together and be a family. They will resolve whatever problems have been created in their marriage, work through her disgust at his recent actions no matter how long it takes… He craves a peaceful life badly as she does, he's told her as much. They can go to Naboo and forget everything else but their love and their child. Whatever comes after, they'll face together.
Standing up gingerly, Padme gasps at the fiery ache that shoots through her spine… Carrying their child does not come without a price. However her discomfort is a small price to pay for the bliss this little one shall bring them, and she is glad to pay it. She steps into the bedroom as quickly as she can in her condition to change into something suitable for flying. The sooner she can leave, the sooner she can get to Anakin. As she reaches the dresser, she comes to a halt as a terrible thought occurs to her. What if she can't bring him back? If Palpatine's dark influence has sunk its claws so deeply into him that the man she loves is gone, leaving only this Sith apprentice, what will she do? If he doesn't come with her, it'll be only a matter of time before Obi-Wan finds him… Slowly, slowly, Padme's head turns to look at the dresser.
"I've found a way to save you."
"I'm not gonna die in childbirth Ani, I promise you."
"No, I promise you."
If Anakin has done… All of this, under the belief that it is the path to saving her life, then something has to be done. Padme would rather die a thousand deaths than have these atrocities committed in her name… He has unwittingly bound her soul to each and every life he has taken to preserve her own. How is she supposed to live with herself knowing they died so she may live? She can't. She won't.
If Anakin is truly gone, leaving behind everything that makes him the man she loves, the heroic Jedi Knight, the father of her child, then Obi-Wan cannot be the one to handle it. All of this has started because of her, so she must be the one to finish it. Reaching for the secret compartment hidden beneath the dresser, her hands shake as she reaches inside for the contents, a single, black hilted dagger, thus far, unused. Something given to her by her mother years ago, a last resort to protect her life if there is no other option. She's always favoured her chrome blaster for security over this, but Padme knows a blaster isn't what she needs today. Without taking her eyes off of the deadly blade, she resigns herself to this. If her husband has truly been consumed by the dark side as Obi-Wan says, then she will end this once and for all, before the evil that has destroyed Anakin can do further damage to the Galaxy.
She takes a different ship.
It's not that Padme doesn't trust Obi-Wan… It's quite the opposite. And that is exactly why she leaves her chrome Star Skiff behind, instead borrowing Bail's ship.
The journey to Mustafar is silent. Not a single word leaves her mouth and thankfully, Threepio seems to take the hint. Padme isn't sure she'd manage to keep herself in check if the protocol droid dared to interrupt her thoughts. For now, she needs the silence to sort through the mess of her mind. Within her she feels a small thump, the baby kicking as if it knows exactly what she's planning. Can she really go through with it? If it comes down to it, can she really take his life? Leave their child without its father and herself without her beloved husband?
If it comes to that, it means the man who is those things is already gone.
Even still, can Padme truly look him in the eye and do it? Part of her isn't sure if she can, and yet, if it comes to that, she knows she must. She's afraid, truly, bone chillingly terrified in a way she's never been before. Because she wants so much for Anakin to open his eyes and see what he's done, to end this madness before he falls further than her arms can reach and she's petrified of failing him. If he's too far gone into the darkness she'll have to live with her failure every day for the rest of her life, every time she looks into her baby's eyes she'll see it.
How will she explain it to their child? If she must do this… How can she look them in the eye and explain their father's fall into darkness and the reason he is not with them? All this time Padme has wanted a little boy, Anakin's living image, a boy just like his father… But now, she wonders how she could possibly stand such a life… The guilt would surely consume her as darkness has Anakin. What if the child grows to resent her for it, for taking their father away?
As they begin to land on the volcanic planet, Padme reaches for the blade tucked safely into her boot and frees it once more. The mere sight of it makes her sick. What this weapon may yet cost her this day is a harrowing thought. Before leaving her apartment, she coated the sharp blade with a special poison Dorme taught her about some time ago… She keeps her own blades constantly coated in the liquid in case an attack should happen. She'd said, once it is inside someone's bloodstream, there are only mere minutes until it consumes them. It's terrifyingly deadly, and Padme prays she shall not have to use it.
Will it hurt him terribly? She wishes now Dorme had gone into much more detail about the poison, because in truth, she knows very little about the substance. If she must draw this blade on him, then she prays to every God and the Force itself that it's a quick passing he endures. Padme would rather throw herself into the fiery rivers this planet hosts than see Anakin in pain. No, she mustn't think such things, there is still hope he'll come back to her! He will come back, she knows he will, there is good in him and it cannot be denied.
Sliding the blade back into her boot, she focusses, for the next few moments on landing safely. Beside her, Threepio at last breaks the tense silence, muttering something about this planet's unappealing landscape but Padme ignores the droid. Now she is here, everything has become so much more… Real. It is all really happening, Anakin has turned to the dark side, he has slaughtered innocents, and she has to bring him back to the light or ensure he can cause no more harm. Rubbing her fingers softly across her aching head, she fights back a sigh and worse, tears. She's not ready for this… She is totally and completely unprepared for something as mammoth and life altering as this. How can she be ready for this?
Her love can bring him back from the darkness she tells herself. He is still her husband, the man she rolled around the meadow in Naboo with, the man who is adored by her parents, the Republic's "Hero Without Fear"… He's her Ani, her love. The father of her child. He will come back to her and the life they can have. She has faith in him, in their love and the light inside his soul.
Slowly, her gaze rises to the small building built on the jagged rock in time to see the cloaked figure emerge out, onto the platform by the railing. It's him… Despite how far he is from her, Padme's heart leaps at the mere sight of him. Can he sense her presence? Thankfully, Obi-Wan hasn't found him here yet, this means there is still time. For a moment, she hesitates, watching him from the ship and fighting back the part of her that wishes she'd just stayed in Coruscant like he asked.
It's only when she sees him push back his hood and begin running toward the bridge that leads to where she has landed, that Padme finally moves, opening the ship so she can meet him. "Stay with the ship Threepio." She commands the already flustered droid as she rises from the pilot's seat and moves as quickly as she can to disembark. Everything she must do, everything he has done, for the moment are afterthoughts. Right now she needs to be in her husband's arms and feel him against her.
It shouldn't surprise her how quickly he's managed to get over here, he's only mere steps away by the time she gets off the ship, and yet, as ever she is in awe of him. But it is quickly forgotten in favour of her need to be close to him again, even just for a moment. Padme runs as quickly as she can while this far along into her pregnancy, and meets him with open arms. She has never – never – been so relieved to hold him throughout their marriage as she is right now. Thank the Gods she got here before Obi-Wan…
"Padme," He begins, pulling back and tracing gentle fingers across her cheek. "What're you doing out here? I thought you were waiting for me." If she didn't know any better, she wouldn't know anything had changed about him. He looks just the same as yesterday and the day before that. Looking at him now, Padme can't believe what he's done. He doesn't look like a Sith apprentice, or someone who has taken the lives of so many in so little time… It makes everything that much more difficult because he looks innocent.
"Obi-Wan came to see me… Anakin, he told me terrible things." Her hands slide from his elbows to his shoulders then back again, feeling the coarse wool beneath her skin and waits. Will he deny his crimes to her face, or admit all he has done? She doesn't know which would be worse to hear. There it is… That frown. The frown that appears whenever he's worried or stressed and Padme watches him closely. He didn't expect her to say that, and it's clearly thrown him for a moment.
"What things?" His voice lowers to something close to a growl, and not for the first time he reminds her of a wild animal… One she's deluded herself into believing she's tamed even slightly. She was wrong, she only sees that now. Is he beginning to realise what she knows? He's tensed up considerably in the last few seconds, especially so after hearing his former Master's name fall from her lips. Have things truly become so strained between them that the mere mention of his name angers Anakin?
"He told me everything… That you turned to the dark side…" She trails off, looking to the river of lava beside them rather than meeting his eyes as the disgust she's been supressing resurfaces. "That you…" She can't say the words out loud. Thinking it is one thing, forming the words and saying them is quite another. Swallowing, Padme tries to remain calm; she has to have her wits about her if she wants to keep him from sensing her intentions. "Killed Younglings. And other Jedi."
His face tells her everything she needs to know… He doesn't have to utter a word to confirm his dark deeds, not when he is looking at her with barely disguised horror at her knowledge of them. The devastation crashes over her so powerfully it tears the breath from her lungs. So much so, that her arms drop away from him, and once more she's fighting back tears. It's almost impossible to see the man standing before her right now as the man she married in Varykino, the man she's spent countless hours worrying over while he was away battling for the Galaxy, the man who gifted her his lightsaber as proof his life belongs to her…
"Obi-Wan is trying to turn you against me Angel, just like-"
"Don't you dare look me in the eye at lie to me Anakin! I know what you've done…" Padme's voice rises without her consent and she's helpless to the sudden anger that alights within her. After everything how can he stand there and try to treat her like a fool? She is no doe eyed damsel who'll believe anything he tells her… She would have thought he knows her better than that. "How could you?! You're a Jedi, a hero Anakin! Why would you throw all of that away like this?"
At once his hands move, both flesh and metal catch her elbows tightly, holding her so her forearms are trapped against his chest, though this doesn't mean she softens to his touch. "I did it for you, to protect you. I won't let my dream become real, I won't lose you too."
"The only way you're going to lose me is by doing this!" Padme snaps, tearing herself away from his touch. "What you've done is wrong! Palpatine is evil, the Sith are evil – you know that. Open your eyes!" He is smart, so smart… And yet he is allowing his mind to be twisted like this, it doesn't make sense. Why can't he see through the lies the way everyone else can?
"The Chancellor has opened my eyes, to the evil of the Jedi. You didn't see it like I did; he was defenceless, Master Windu was going to strike him down without a fair trail through the Republic!" She can see what he's trying to do, appeal to the politician in her, the woman who will fight to her last breath for justice. It will not work. She is not so easily manipulated… Or perhaps the truth of it is a much more frightening prospect… Perhaps he truly believes the things he is saying…
"If you believe that, then you're a hypocrite! You struck down Dooku while he was defenceless, without a trial, what's the difference now?"
His reaction is immediate and it is furious. Padme sees it blazing in his eyes in a way that no matter how heated their arguments may grow, it is never like this. His gloved hand comes up to point at her, totally enraged. "Don't! Dooku was different. He wished to continue the war; the Chancellor seeks only to end it! Through him, I am becoming more powerful than any Jedi could ever dream of… And I'm doing it to protect you."
"I don't want power or protection like this! Why can't you see that?" Despite her anger at him, she reaches up, touching his cheeks with both hands. He has to be reminded of what's important right now, and to do that, she must be the calm one between them. "All I want is your love… I don't need anything else." For a moment, there is the briefest, sweetest glimmer of hope as his hands come to rest on her waist, and she almost believes she's getting through to him for a moment.
"What you want, and what you need are different things… Love won't save you. Only the power the Chancellor can teach me can do that." The hope she feels dies instantaneously. She isn't getting through to him at all; she can usually always get through to him. Why isn't it working now? The fear she felt earlier is once more beginning to seep its way back into her blood, chilling her from the inside out. It's from this fear, that she feels a hint of desperation beginning to kindle.
"You're a good person Anakin; you don't have to do this! The future isn't set in stone, don't throw everything away on the chance your dream becomes a reality." One hand comes to rest on his upper arm again as brown eyes plead with blue. The once vibrant light in his eyes she fell in love with is gone, leaving them dull and cold… When did this happen? She hasn't noticed it until now. "Everything you've done… Perhaps it's unforgivable to the Order, you'll surely face expulsion and other consequences, but it's not too late to turn back!"
"And let the Jedi continue this war to fuel their pride?" He shakes his head, and the distain that masks his face while speaking of the Order he has dedicated his life to until now is unnerving. He has always wished to achieve Mastery along with a seat on the Council, to hold the Master's respect and trust… And now this… What has Palpatine done to him?
Padme doesn't know what to say, there is no use in defending the Order to him right now, it will only anger him further when she needs him to be calm, rational. No, she needs a different tactic; he needs to remember what he's giving up if he continues down this path. "Anakin…" She reaches up to touch the sides of his hair, watching his eyes closely for any hint of change. "Come away with me, we can go to Naboo like we planned. Please, come with me and help me raise our child… Be the man I know you are! Leave all of this behind while you still can!"
"Don't you see?" He laughs and Padme's hands slip away from him, falling to her sides as she watches the half-crazed excitement flash across his face. This isn't Anakin… "We don't have to do that anymore. We can be free from now on with the Chancellor's support. I have ended the war; the Separatist leaders and the Jedi are gone… Now we'll have peace at last!" He looks so proud of himself and he's waiting, expecting her to be happy too… How is she supposed to be happy at the possibility of this new world he's creating atop the countless bodies he's leaving in his wake?
Padme wants to scream at him, to shake him until he sees what he's done. She's scared; she's so scared because she's failing… Her attempts to bring him back are being squashed without a second thought. The blade in her boot feels heavy suddenly, she can't not feel it pressed against her leg and tries not to let him sense her thoughts. Without her control, her shoulders begin to heave slightly as the tears come, blurring her vision for a moment. What more can she do? There has to be something she can do!
She takes a step back from him, then another and then one more because there needs to be some distance between them right now. His face falls then hardens and Padme doesn't know what to do… This is slipping out of her control and that cannot happen. "Anakin… I want to help you – Obi-Wan wants to help you… But you have to let us! This, this isn't the right way, you must see that?"
His face twists into the anger she saw before, and she wonders if it's been festering beneath the surface this entire time. "I don't want to hear any more about Obi-Wan." Where is the man who'd smile at the mere mention of his Master's name, who teased his mentor mercilessly for his age and habit of card games with Coruscant's seedier inhabitants? This person standing before her now isn't him… This man has forgotten the bond between Master and apprentice, the brotherhood he and Obi-Wan share… What else has he forgotten?
"Well you must! He is your friend, even now after everything he wants to help you! Please, let him! If not for yourself then for me, for our child Anakin… Think of the baby!" He shrugs off his cloak as she speaks, tossing it off to the side all the while wearing a scowl that speaks of death and suffering… The sight of it instills horror in her, but this time it is not fear for him, it's of him. She doesn't know what he's going to do next… Usually his unpredictability is thrilling, alluring, but right now she is terrified. He's more like a dangerous animal than ever before and for once, it frightens her.
"I am thinking of you, of the baby! I'm always thinking of you! All of this has been for you… Don't you see that?" She knew it… He has done all of this to keep her safe, but to hear it come from his own lips sends a wave of… Devastation crashing through her soul… She said once that perusing their love would destroy them, and it's only now she sees she was right. He is being destroyed, torn apart by their marriage, and the battle of the Order and the Chancellor fighting over him, manipulating him to their own wills… "I'm more powerful than the Chancellor, I- I'll overthrow him! Then I can take charge; rule the Galaxy with you by my side and our baby will be our heir… They'll inherit the world through me, through us! We can create a dynasty Padme!"
"The trouble is that people don't always agree. In fact, they hardly ever do."
"Then they should be made to"
"By whom? Who's going to make them?"
"I don't know. Someone."
"You?"
"Of course not me."
"But someone."
"Someone wise."
"That sounds an awful lot like a dictatorship to me."
"Well, if it works…"
A cold numbness sweeps over Padme, it's as if her body roots itself to the spot, refusing to move as she wishes to… All she can do is shake her head slowly. So soon turned to a new Master and already planning to overthrow him. That is not the Anakin she knows, none of this is. He is loyal to the end, passionate about his friends and will do anything, anything to keep those he cares for safe… This man standing in front of her is not Anakin Skywalker, he is not the man she married and he is not the man she wants her child to know as their father. What he's planning… It's a dictatorship, one he plans to pass down through the generations of their family as though it is a treasured inheritance. Her Ani would never want such a thing.
It takes several moments, but when she manages to speak, it's impossible to keep the heartbreak from her voice, and part of her wants him to hear it. Let him see what he's doing to her! "I don't know you anymore…" Whoever is standing in front of her is a stranger, a man she doesn't know and never wishes to. It's a demon in possession of her beloved's body, controlling him as one would pilot a ship. There is one crushing truth tearing her heart to shreds and it is that she has failed… She has failed him, their marriage and their child. Padme swore that if she couldn't bring him back, then she would end this once and for all and somehow that is exactly what this is coming to. Her chest heaves as tears spill over onto her cheek and her breath is uneven, harsh… "Anakin… You're going down a path I can't follow and it's breaking my heart!"
His eyes narrow and his mouth twists further into his scowl than before but she tries to look past it. One more chance, she will give him one more chance to redeem himself. Perhaps there is still hope for him? Padme shall believe it until her dying breath, because she knows him, she has seen the good in him more than anyone else. Something that powerful cannot simply vanish. It must still be in there, and this is his final chance to show her. "Why? Because of Obi-Wan you'll turn your back on me?"
What is his sudden infuriation with Obi-Wan? It doesn't make any sense! What has happened to turn his mind against his friend like this? It borders on hatred! Just days ago they returned to Coruscant together, their bond strong as ever and now… "No! Stop it, stop trying to place blame for what is happening on him when it lies firmly on your own shoulders!" She takes a step toward him, and then another, not quite filling the gap between them, but for now, it is enough. "It's because of what you've done! The countless lives you've destroyed in this scramble for power! And worse still, what you plan to do… How could you ever believe this is something I'd want?"
Anakin's gaze wonders high, up to the dark, smoky sky above their heads and for a moment Padme cannot tell if the look comes from frustration or indecision. She prays for the latter of the two. Despite her question, he says nothing, and does what he can to avoid her gaze. He's slipping away; the realisation hits her painfully, as if he's just struck her. Not bothering to hide her tears or the desperation in her voice, she reaches out for him again, trying to grasp his hands. "Stop this! Please come back! I love you …"
Instead of allowing her to touch him, he pulls away harshly, turning his back on her with something close to a growl. She gasps as it happens, almost stumbling back again but catches herself. It takes several, agonising moments of silence before he says a word and when he does, she wishes he'd just stayed quiet. "If you're not with me Padme… Then you're my enemy. The Jedi turned against me… Don't you turn against me!" A choked sob manages to escape her lips in response to his words and yet still he keeps his back to her.
Never, never has Padme imagined she'd hear words such as those leave his lips, especially directed at her of all people. Her Ani would never say such things to her… It's yet more confirmation that the man she loves is indeed gone, consumed by the darkness. She can see it now, the threat he has become, Obi-Wan was right, he is dangerous. The harm he will cause this Galaxy is if his mad plans are seen through to conclusion… It's unthinkable! Between Palpatine and his Empire and Anakin's constant thirst for more power, everything will be ruined in their wake.
She cannot allow that to happen.
She watches him for a moment, the rise and fall of his shoulders with every intake of breath, the way his hands are clenched tightly by his sides… Something he only does in moments of great anger or pain. And he is in pain, she can sense it… His fear has taken over, blackening everything. She will end his pain. Slowly, terrified he'll turn around suddenly and catch her in the act; Padme leans down and swallows back another wave of tears as her trembling hand grasps the hilt of the blade stashed in her boot. How has it come to this? Why couldn't she bring him back? They love each other… It should be enough to guide them through any trouble, that is what she has always believed and yet somehow he is lost to her.
"Anakin…" Somehow she manages to force his name past her quivering lips, it sounds broken and quiet… It's near impossible to keep her mind shielded from him right now, however she must. If he realises what she is about to do, then given everything he has done these past days what would he – No! Anakin would never, ever hurt her! Not even in this state. All of this, it is his own twisted way of keeping her safe. To her agony, he turns to look at her; the sight of that face she adores to the very depths of her heart makes it feel as if she has plunged the blade into her own chest.
Holding the blade behind her back, she approaches the man she loves, her reason for living, the other half of her soul, eyes locked onto his. For a moment she can't tear her gaze away from them, the stunning pools of blue she has looked into countless times before, be it in the midst of their heated passion, quiet moments together, arguments, or anything in-between… She has to commit them to memory, because these moments are the last she'll ever see of them. It's horrifying, the thought tears at soul and yet it is the truth. She has to carry the memory of those eyes with her every single day for the rest of her life and never let time fade it. Their child must be able to see them clearly in their little mind's eye when she describes their father to them. Reaching up, Padme uses her free hand to caress his cheek, trying desperately to also commit the feel of him to memory so she'll never forget it in the lonely nights that lay ahead.
"I love you…" She tells him again, quieter this time, desperate for him to believe her words with every part of him before she does this. "I've loved you from the moment you came back into my life. And I'll never stop Ani, never." Even now, Padme knows there will never be another – how could there be? He has no equal anywhere in the Galaxy. Especially not where her heart is concerned. She wishes she could draw those same love words from his lips, one last time, but it is not about her right now. A tear spills onto her cheek, followed quickly by another, and he frowns, opening his mouth to speak, but she shakes her head. What more can he say? "Please, never forget that." She waits, a moment, then another, for her words to register in his mind then gives herself one last look at his handsome, handsome face, the face she wanted to wake beside every day of her life and her hand slides down to fist at the black leather of his tabard.
Then in one quick motion, she plunges the blade into his stomach before she can talk herself out of it.
At once his eyes widen at the intrusion, followed quickly by his cry of pain as he stumbles backward, trying to get away from her but she doesn't let him. There are no words, no sounds to fully express the horror coursing through her… The knowledge that she, his wife, his Angel is the one to cause him such agony is heart breaking. It is a pain that shall haunt her for the rest of her days. However, what is worse than all that is the hurt she sees in his eyes, the betrayal he feels. Perhaps it is easy to believe he betrayed her first, but he doesn't see it that way. Everything he has done, it has been for them, for their future.
And it has cost him their future.
"Ani… I'm so sorry…" Wide blue eyes, pained and horrified glance down at the blade thrust into his skin as his gloved hand reaches to pull it free. At once blood spills quickly, staining his clothes and her own, coating them both with his life essence. "Please, please believe me!" A wave of agony erupts from the wound, tearing a pained howl from his lips. Despite his battle to put space between them, Padme manages to wrap her arms around him, grateful for the feat when his legs buckle. The poison is beginning its deadly work. Somehow she manages to manoeuvre them to the filthy ground as more pained sounds fall from his lips, each time she hears them, it is as if the blade is being thrust into her heart over and over again. Despite her intentions, having carried out the act unleashes a wave of regret she hadn't expected to feel… Right now she wants nothing more than to turn back time and stop herself. There is a sense of finality as the blade slips from his bloody fingers, falling to the ground with a quiet clatter. It is done, she has truly done it. How could she have done it?!
"Padme…" He manages to speak her name though it takes such effort, the sound is so clearly laboured that she almost wishes that he'd save his strength… For what, she doesn't quite know. Here, on her knees as he lays dying before her, she doesn't feel worthy of being beside him, after all it is her fault. He deserves so much better than this, death in the intense heat of this planet, reminding him of Tattooine and the suffering he endured there. He deserves better than to die by his own wife's hand. She deserves better than to lose her husband this way. Their baby deserves to know their father.
They all deserve much better.
"Anakin… I never wanted to hurt you…" One hand reaches for his flesh hand, lacing their fingers together as she weeps. "But you left me no choice! I had to stop you…" He has to understand, before she loses him forever he must understand. Padme cannot stand the very real possibility that he may die this day hating her; such a thing would cripple her forever. Leaning down as best she can in her condition, needing to be as close to him as possible, she continues, "I love you… I will only ever love you. Please forgive me… I have already forgiven you."
A tear appears on his cheek and she isn't sure if it came from him or her, but she supposes it doesn't really matter. Her free hand moves quickly, cupping his face so the pad of her thumb may wipe it away. He's growing paler by the second, and she loathes the sight… She's not ready to let him go yet. They need a little longer. His eyes bore into hers for a moment, and somehow it is as if they are infused, joined as one as his pain becomes hers. She feels it and it is devastating. Is it the Force condemning her to feel what he feels in his final moments, or something else entirely? Padme doesn't wish to know.
"Padme – I…" Anakin begins, voice hoarse and strained, then pauses, coughing suddenly and she doesn't know what to do. How can she ease his pain? How can she make him see why this has happened? A thin trickle of blood slips past the corner of his mouth tearing a horrified sound from her lips. At once she wipes it away with her sleeve, and then leans down leaning her forehead to his. Watching him suffer like this is nothing short of torture. If she could take his pain solely onto herself she would without a second of hesitation.
His eyes close for a moment, and Padme's fear spikes to new heights. He cannot leave her yet, there is so much more she wishes to say to him… She wants to apologise for this until her voice is lost to her, to fight more about the gender of the baby, to talk about the future they were supposed to have. But her throat has closed up, forbidding her from doing of any of those things.
"The baby… Our little girl, she – ah…" The pain cuts through his words and she guides his flesh hand to the swell of her stomach, willing with every fibre of her being that the baby moves for him, to distract him from his suffering… She wants to hush him, to tell him it's alright, there is no need for words, but perhaps while she does not need words, he does.
"I think you mean our son." She corrects him, somehow managing to smile for him even as a tear slips onto his cheek and this time she knows it's his. He has not yet forgiven her, and as the seconds race by all too quickly, she is beginning to worry he may not, that he may die believing she has betrayed him. That is not true… She has done this to save him, in the grand scheme of things; she has saved his soul from further atrocities marring it. Perhaps from his point of view it is difficult to see things her way.
To her surprise a smile of his own dawns, lighting her world for a brief moment before it is replaced once more by the agony of not only his wound but the poison spreading through his body. Seeing this side of him again only heightens her wish to go back, to fight harder for him because she was right… Here is the man she loves. But deep down, beneath the grief Padme knows if she hadn't done this, then everything would have been destroyed, their child would have been born into a horrendous world, heir to a dictatorship with no true sense of the father they should have had. No… This was the only way.
"Please tell me you understand… Ani… Please…" His breath is becoming increasingly laboured, and matched with the struggle to keep his eyes open it can only mean one thing. One terrible truth she is not yet ready to face. Where his weakening touch rests on her belly, she feels it, the powerful thump. Anakin's gaze wonders to her stomach for a moment, and as another kick follows the first and a strange look passes across his face. She says nothing; this is a moment she has no part in. It is between a father and the child he shall never get to meet… He would have made such a wonderful father. The very best any child could hope for.
Finally, his eyes meet hers weakly, still she says nothing. He takes a deep breath, then another, before once more beginning the labour of speaking, "Padme… Tell them I'm sorry…" He trails off, eyes closing for several moments before his gaze opens to her again. Them? What "them" is he talking about? She doesn't understand…
"What do you mean? Tell who?"
"Just tell them." Somehow Anakin finds the strength to reach up and caress her cheek, and despite the blood coating his skin, her own hand curls around his wrist to ensure his touch stays with her for as long as possible. The touch speaks the words he cannot. He doesn't hate her, perhaps he even understands… She prays he understands. "Tell them… I loved them… And you…" Once more his face scrunches up in pain, it's unbearable to watch. It passes quickly, or at least he is able to push past the pain enough to speak quickly. His thumb swipes along her cheekbone lovingly as he has done countless times before and Padme leans into the touch, wanting to feel as much of him as she possibly can.
"My Angel…"
"Yours always…" She swears from the depths of her soul. There will never, ever be another by her side; nobody could ever hope to replace him. Padme was only ever meant for one man, and if she must live the rest of her days without him, then she will live them alone. There is one last laboured breath from Anakin's lips after her words, and she is forced to endure watching those eyes she loves so fiercely fall closed slowly, and she realises what's happened, dread descends followed closely by disbelief. No… Not yet… Please not yet. There is so much more she must tell him, hear from him… He cannot be gone, she needs more time! Just a little longer, one last moment! The hand on her cheek becomes slack suddenly, and his whole body stills. Wide, shocked eyes watch him for several moments, silently begging him to come back, to grant her more time with him. Yet he doesn't move… Those eyes remain closed to her and shall forevermore. Slowly, the truth sinks into Padme's mind, too horrendous to truly comprehend.
Anakin is dead. He is gone, once and for all…
Careful with him, she releases his hand, placing it gently by his side before both hands grasp at the dark leather tabard he wears, fisting the material tightly as she wails, lost entirely in her sorrow. She weeps for her beloved, for herself, for her child… For the life they could have had together. "I'm sorry Anakin…" She sobs, "I'm so sorry..." Glancing down at her hands, Padme's breath falters at the sight of red staining her skin, her husband's blood on her hands… The stain shall never wash off. Never.
Despite that, and the violent trembling of her hands, she reaches for him again, bringing his lifeless hand to the swell of her stomach, one final time. She remembers the first time he felt their baby kicking, that evening in their apartment while the sun set behind them. He looked so happy… So excited at the prospect of their little one. He'd decided then and there she was carrying a girl and nothing could change his mind. Now… Now his face is blank, showing nothing of that excitement. He looks as if he's sleeping and by the Force she wishes that were true.
Heartbreakingly, she feels it again. The baby kicking against their father's hand though he cannot feel it this time… He never will again. "I-I want you to remember this…" She sobs, stuttering over her words. If what she has read about children understanding voices even from within the womb, then she wants her little one to understand this. Needs them to understand her words right now. Anakin talked to it enough that she fully expects the baby to have already formed a full vocabulary by now. "This is your father… Remember this as best you can. Please remember this… Please…" Is all she can say before her grief crashes over her, bursting violently and Padme is lost to it, leaning over Anakin once more to press her lips to his one final time.
Everything passes in a blur. Just as she'd expected, Obi-Wan came eventually… Long after the deed was done yet she was still in the midst of her hysteria. The look of horror on her old friend's face passed quickly, replaced with the very same sadness torturing her, he didn't even get to say goodbye… To see him again at all. For Anakin's mentor there is no closure to be found through what she has done, and for that, Padme is sorry, but if he had gotten here first, would their positions not simply be reversed?
Somehow they end up back on Bail's ship, all of them, including Artoo whose reaction upon seeing his master lifeless broke her heart all over again. She even saw Threepio placing his hand on the little droid's head quietly on the ship. They have all suffered a great loss this day.
The flight is long and silent. Obi-Wan tries to convince her to rest, and while she is exhausted, she cannot leave Anakin alone… Not for one moment. So she remains by his side beside the small cot bed, holding his hand for the entirety of their time aboard. Despite her aching bones, Padme could never rest knowing he is here all alone. Not even Artoo and Threepio in here wouldn't be enough to watch over him. It must be her. The droids stand a little behind her back as she sits with him, pushing his hair out of his face and eventually rising to find a cloth and clean the blood from his hands and her own. When they land she will prepare him properly, there is no one else to do it. In Naboo it is customary for one's grandmother if she still lives, to oversee a funeral, Anakin has no grandmother alive, nor is his mother, thus as his wife, the job falls to her. She wouldn't want anyone else to do it anyway.
Just as she reaches out to brush stray curls from his forehead, as she has done so many times before, Obi-Wan's voice tears through the silence at last. "We'll be landing in Naboo in thirty standard minutes. If you want to try and rest for a while before then, I'll watch over him."
"Thank you, but I'll stay with him until we land." She shakes her head, never once looking away from Anakin. How can she when soon enough her eyes will never be blessed with the sight of him again? No, she will stay with him every moment she can and then… She shall cross that bridge when it comes.
"Padme… You're exhausted. He would…" His voice cracks slightly, betraying the deep pain she knows he feels too. He lost a brother in Anakin today, a partner he has fought beside countless times through the years. Skywalker and Kenobi, the "Hero Without Fear" and "The Great Negotiator". The greatest team the Order had within its ranks, and so she is sure he feels half of himself lost just as surely as she does. Right now she wishes a great many things, one of which being Obi-Wan had seen him again. Just once so they may have resolved whatever differences lay between them. "He would want you to take care of yourself…"
Despite her best efforts, she feels her lip quivering. Anakin would want that. He would have pulled her up, onto the cramped bed, tangling their limbs hopelessly until they were both comfortable enough to sleep. If she closes her eyes, she swears she can hear his laugh, his quiet murmurs of missing her, feel his kiss on her shoulder as they settle down. Now she'll never hear or feel any of that ever again. Finally, though it pains her, Padme breaks her gaze away from Anakin to look at her old friend though she hardly sees him through the sudden wall of tears.
"I can't leave him…"
Obi-Wan nods, walking further into the room and places his hand on her shoulder. She supposes he's trying to be comforting, and while she is grateful for the gesture, his is far from the touch she wants.
It's cold, winter has long descended on Naboo and Padme feels it worse now than she ever has before. Once more there is silence save for the crackling of the flames before them and yet again it occurs to Padme that he deserves so much better than this… Anakin, before his fall, was a hero of the Republic. A Jedi Knight, General of the Grand Army of the Republic… He was beloved, not only by her, but by those around him, by the people across the Galaxy. Children in their school yards battled over who got to play the part of the "Hero Without Fear", adults felt great relief when they heard his name on the HoloNews because it meant the day would be won… Until Palpatine destroyed him, Anakin was adored.
It feels wrong now, that his funeral pyre is watched over only by two souls and two droids.
The great and mighty Anakin Skywalker's passing should warrant a day of national mourning for all he has done for the Galaxy, and perhaps it may have, if the circumstances were different. Despite his sins, should the life he led protecting the Galaxy not be celebrated? How many truly know what happened? Obi-Wan has assured her it is less than a handful… The clones who followed Anakin into the Temple have been dealt with. Otherwise it is only herself, he and Master Yoda who know the truth. Padme is determined to keep it that way.
Anakin shall be remembered as the hero he was in life, her children shall grow knowing all about his heroics and sacrifices. And perhaps when they are old enough, she shall explain the truth. Until then, she shall tell them about Anakin, not the Sith apprentice briefly became. Watching the flames dance across the wooden pyre Ob-Wan built through the black lace reaching her chin, Padme thinks of what Anakin said. "Tell them I loved them…" In his final moments he knew what she did not. Twins… Two beautiful babies created by their love. She shall treasure them both until the end of her days and beyond. The mere thought brings her hands up to caress the swell of her stomach. Yes, she'll tell them. She'll tell them every day about their wonderful father who loved them from the moment he discovered she was carrying them.
"He should be in the Temple…" Padme murmurs, pulling her heavy black cloak tighter around herself to keep out the chill of the night. The fur of the collar tickles her neck but she scarcely feels it. Anakin was a Jedi after all, despite everything. Should he not be granted eternal rest alongside the others?
"Master Yoda would never have allowed it, even if such a thing were possible right now." Obi-Wan sighs, and behind them she hears Artoo's sad little chirp. What is she going to do with him? Without Anakin, the poor thing is as lost as she is… At least he has Threepio by his side. For a moment, she is tempted to ask the man beside her about the afterlife that awaits Jedi after their deaths, however she realises that is a talk for another time. A time where she is more prepared to hear of such things. Instead, silence falls over their mourning once more as the pyre burns. This does not feel like the funeral for a great Jedi, it's not like the false funeral she attended for Obi-Wan or the victims of the Temple bombing… Something is severely lacking.
"What will you do now?" The Jedi asks the question Padme has been dreading. Now, she must begin to build a life without Anakin by her side. She must embrace the life of a widow and a mother to be all at once. The worst time of her life coupled by what should be the most blissful. What greater irony is there than that?
"I'm going to have my children, and after a time, I'll join Mon Mothma's fight to end Palpatine's Empire. Be it from within her ranks or here in Naboo, I will do what I must." She has been fighting Palpatine's Empire before it even began; the "Delegation of the Two Thousand" was merely their first attempt. There shall be others, and they shall be successful in the end. Her children will know a world where Democracy reigns supreme, not the will of one corrupt man.
Obi-Wan nods for a moment, then from the corner of her eye she sees the confusion leak into his features. She suspected it would. "Children?"
"Twins. I found out this morning when the doctor came." She's glad Anakin realised the truth before his death, so that no matter what awaited him in the afterlife, he was aware of both their children. And even if it was mere moments of awareness before death took him, his love only grew to accommodate the surprise. What a wonderful father he would have been. "What about you? What happens now with the Order?"
"There are survivors, not many, but enough. For now it is better we remain spread throughout the Galaxy, until it's possible to rebuild."
"Where will you go?" After all she has lost; Padme doesn't want to lose him too. She wants him to be around to see her children grow, to be their Uncle… The stories he can tell them about their father are invaluable. And… She doesn't wish to lose such a dear friend. Now more than ever she wishes to keep those she loves close to her, while everything about the world she once knew is gone, she needs her friends and family around. And perhaps he'll come to realise he needs her too; perhaps she can be his link to Anakin as he just as much as her children, is hers.
"Master Yoda believes seclusion for the time being is best. We must try to re-establish our connection with the Force before any attempts to continue on can be made. So I suppose… I don't know yet. For once there are no battles to be fought or Council to sit beside. I shall find my own way."
"I do hope you'll visit from time to time. I want my children to know you as well as they shall my own family. As far as I'm concerned you're their Uncle… Anakin would feel the same." Before Palpatine's dark influence took over, Anakin would have loved his friend being around their children. She can only imagine what horrors the three of them would have put him through together…
The Jedi looks touched, truly, touched and somehow it pulls the smallest of smiles across her lips. "I-I'd be honoured Padme." It is all the confirmation she needs to hear. Within her, she feels the duel thumping of her babies kicking. Only now that she knows there are two of them, can she tell the difference between where one little foot collides with her skin and where the other is. Moving her hands to cover these spots she swallows down another powerful wave of grief. This is the place they'll come, together, as a family to visit their father… They'll speak to him here, and lay down flowers where the place is marked. Perhaps even one day, if her knowledge of Jedi and what happens after death is correct, he shall appear to them, given they are Force-sensitive.
They will be, with a father like theirs, it is impossible not to be. While she herself may not wield the Force, these little ones shall. They'll be powerful, and with the Order in such a state it will be difficult to find them the proper training, but perhaps Obi-Wan will once more take up the teaching of Skywalkers. Or maybe she can find Ahsoka somehow… There are options to explore, and she shall when the time is right. And who knows, perhaps the names of her children shall be one day the stories of their generation as their father's was his.
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