Gaian Rhapsody

by Do a Barrel Roll

Bohemian Rhapsody parody. Left in the Lifestream with only his crazy train of thought and a few chopped up pieces of his Mother to keep him company, Sephiroth turns a song into a murder confession as well as a rant against everything stupidly wrong with his life. There's no greater way to expel your woe than by playing air guitar as you sing opera-style!

Here's another scrap I found lying around in one of my notebooks. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: I own neither Final Fantasy nor Bohemian Rhapsody.

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The Lifestream was, if anything, colder than Sephiroth had been expecting. The former champion of ShinRa couldn't repress a few shudders of weakness as he coiled his arms around his body.

So many thoughts were running rampant in his brain. The inner machinations of Sephiroth's mind are an enigma! So, to release his feelings, Sephiroth sang:

"Is this the Promised Land?

Is this the Lifestream?

Stuck in this hell hole

With Mother the Calamity

Stop all the lies

Let's all realize the truuuuuuuuuth!"

Sephiroth bit his lips and increased the volume of his musical rant.

"I'm just a monster

I lack true empathy

'Cause I'm killing fat ShinRa scum

Killing girls from the slums

Even if they're just bums

Doesn't really matter to me

To me..."

His emotions now coming out in the open, Sephiroth began to pace on the teeny, floating boulder he was waiting on. A manic twinkle was in his eye. It was clear to anyone who could see him that Sephiroth was completely insane. There were no boundaries, no walls as far as Sephiroth was concerned, and sadly, one of those walls happened to be the fourth wall.

"Mother, I stabbed a girl

Put my sword right through her chest

Got some blood on her cute dress

Mother, my stardom has come

But now in all these spin-offs I act gay

Mother, ooooooooh

Didn't mean to chop your head

If you're not back together this time tomorrow

Then I'm wrong, then I'm wrong

The dialogue's all blabber..."

His pacing slowed just a tad, but now he started to bob his head to an unheard tune, his hair swaying to and fro as he did so.

"Oh great, this guy are sick

Don't get why poor Zack's dead

Should've killed Cait Sith instead

Goodbye, dear old Mommy, it's time to grow

Gotta sprout some wings and fly because the script says so

Mother, ooooooooh

I just cannot lie

Sometimes wish Square never made Dirge at all!"

Sephiroth leaped into the air and, to satisfy his bizarre urge, hovered there as he strummed his fingers on an air guiter. His head bobbing now became full-blown headbanging. After a few moments, he suddenly ceased all this and gazed off into the distance, switching from ballad to opera mode.

"I see a super sexy bishie of a man

SEPHIROTH! SEPHIROTH! Can you wear the bondage gear?!

METEOR AND HOLY! How can it be holding ME?!"

He rapidly switched voices between each sentence.

"Rude and Reno

Rude and Reno

Rude and Reno

Rude and Reno

Figaro - Wait, when did this become Final Fantasy VI?"

Sephiroth shook his head to clear away this off-topic train of thought, failing to realize he didn't even have a coherent train of thought in the first place. Ah, the smell of insanity.

"I'm just a SOLDIER, yaoi fans love me

HE'S JUST A SOLDIER, SINGING LIKE HE'S IN GLEE!

Spare him this role in this lame parody!"

Sephiroth mimed playing the piano and implored some unknown entity,

"Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?"

Once more, he shook his head, this time in denial.

"Jenova, NO! We will not let you go

Let me go

Jenova, NO! We will not let you go

Let me go

Jenova, NO! We will not let you go

Let me go

Nooooooooo

Oh, submariner, submariner, submariner, let me go

Bugenhagen, why's that Hojo smiling creepily at me

At me

At ME?!"

Without warning, Sephiroth once more went back to his headbanging, yelling out, "DA NA NA NA NA NA!" as he actually sang the guitar part of the song.

"So you think your plain awful ship pairings will fly

So you think that the fan art will make me go cry

Oh, my life blows, baby

Oh, my life blows, baby

Just be written out

Please get me written out of this!"

He slowed down his antics and resumed his slow and steady pacing.

"Nothing really matters

Anyone can see

Nothing really matters

Not even Final Fantasy XIII- OOF!"

Cloud had chosen that precise moment to execute an Omnislash on the cantering mass murderer.

On the sidelines, a mortified Red XIII whispered to Tifa, "What in the world was Sephiroth even doing?"

Tifa, equally horrified, responded, "I think he was on that side of the Internet..."

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Yeah, don't ask...unless you ask in a review, because I like those.

This was a really stupid story.