A/N: I should be writing Choices or Hogwart's Chat Rooms. Or be cleaning my room. Or apologize to my mother for being rude. Oh well... screw the room, I'll write later, and I'll apologize once I finish this. Oh, and if I offend ANYONE, you have my sincerest apologies; it was all meant to be humorous.
Disclaimer: Lets see if I can say this in one breath. Idon'townHarryPotteroranythingelsethatI'veinfringedthecopyrightof. There. Impressed? Need a translation? Oh, alright then... I don't own Harry Potter or anything else that I've infringed the copyright of.
A Mockery Of Overused Plot Ideas
One lonely, boring day, Harry Potter sat on his bed, thinking. This was quite an unusual feat in itself. Who actually thought anymore? Thinking was just so overrated!
Anyway, he was thinking on his bed when his uncle came in. Now you see, Harry Potter feared his uncle. Because, even though it's not mentioned in the books, his uncle beat him, very badly. And the only reason that no one noticed scars, bruises, and cuts was because Harry hid them very well. Cause he could do that. Cause he was special. Totally. And today, it seemed as though his uncle had been loading up on the happy juice. And, despite the fact that it was 10 in the morning, he was quite intoxicated. So, any who, a terrible thing occurred and his uncle hit him with a sack of cold fish (On a serious note, I don't think that child abuse is a light hearted matter, but this is humor. Just wanted you to know that).
Oh, how Harry loathed the fish beatings! But, instead of fighting back, Harry allowed it to happen. He deserved the pain. He deserved to die. All because he got Sirius killed. Wow. Crazy emo boy. Anyway, suddenly Harry saw an apparition of Sirius through the haze of pain. It told him not to be crazyish and emo, but to take revenge on the people who had protected him! Ummm. That's not messed up or anything? Harry bid the apparition of Sirius goodbye; it waved and walked of into the distance with Charlie Brown. See what drugs do to your brain, kids?
So with an amazing feat of strength... I'm just joking, Harry grabbed his wand and stuck in into his uncle's eye socket. Much to his amazement, his uncle ceased the fish beating. Although, that may have been due to the eyeball rolling on the ground. Instead of grabbing the eye, Vernon stuck one of the fish in the socket.
Well, that's a good idea. They can call him Fish Eye! And all the children will prance around him, singing songs. And he'll rejoice that people are paying attention to him. Because, just in general, he's a boring lad. Potter's so much more interesting, what with that whole 'Chosen One' business. For, you see, Vernon only beat Harry out of jealousy. Awwwwwww. Doesn't that want to make you hug Fish Eye and Crazy Emo Boy? Y'know it's true.
Anyway, after the fish beating was over, Harry decided to follow Sirius's advice and take revenge on the people who risked their lives to protect him. Cause he was cool that way. Harry, instead of hunting down Bellatrix and maiming her, decided to be a rebellious teenager and... well, rebel. So instead of piercing his nose, or 'borrowing' the car, or smoking a joint, Harry was going to risk lives and the fate of the world. Isn't he a darling?
So Harry packed his possessions, sent Hedwig to Albania, prod Dudley with a 12-foot stick, and spat in the Dursley's lemonade. (I approve of the prodding of Dudley, but under no circumstances should lemonade be desecrated in that most foul fashion! Lemonade is holy, as are lemon drops and Nargles. Dumbles and Loony have the right idea.)
Anyway, Harry //gasp// left Privet Drive //gasp// and went on //gasp// the bus to //gasp// London! How exciting! Once there he entered the Leaky Cauldron and //gasp// bought a bagel! For bagels are delicious treats for any occasion!
Suddenly, Harry needs to use his wand to... uh, heat the bagel! So he does, forgetting the Laws against underage magic! But //gasp// nothing happens! Harry remains un-arrested, and purchases another bagel. He is pleased. Then he realizes that he could do magic! Effing sweet! Then he is more pleased. And buys another bagel.
After having thoroughly exhausted Tom the Innkeeper's supply of bagels, Harry goes off into the Alley. Knowing that he was somewhat well known, he cleverly removes all of his clothing. No one will want to go near him now! What he didn't count on were the crazed fan girls. After being quite bruised, Harry decides to put on clothing, wear a hat, and put muggle concealer on his scar. Why didn't he just do that in the first place?
So now he's walking through the Alley, passing fan girls looking for the sans clothing Harry Potter. Harry feared them more than the fish beatings. Anyway, for some unknown reason, all the shopkeepers knew that it was //gasp// Harry! So, being the wicked cool people they are, they gave him super cool stuff that makes it nigh impossible not to be able to do cool wicked awesome stuff that would thereby entail the defeat of Voldemort. And it's all one of a kind. Did I mention he gets it for free? Totally, cause shopkeepers got into the business to help Crazy Emo Boy's kill dark lords. Which totally isn't groovy man. Chaw, you're like harshin' me mellow. Spread the love.
Anyway, right after getting everything that he could possibly want, require, or have any use for (and several bagel breaks (what? He loves his bagels.)) Death Eaters decided to attack Diagon Alley. Because, you see, all summer Voldemort sits in his lair, doing nothing. Cause what's the point of doing anything if Potter wasn't able to thwart him? Thankfully, his double agent, Mrs. Figg (weren't expecting that!) told him that Potter had left Privet Drive. Voldemort was pleased, so he ordered an attack on Diagon Alley. But only after Potter was finished shopping. It'd be just plain rude to interrupt! So then Voldemort ordered that he be brought a bagel. And a taco. Cause those are the foods of Dark Lords. Oooooh, scary taco.
Anyway, back to Diagon Alley. We find Harry single handedly fighting of 924 293 398 429 Death Eaters with his newly (as in seconds old) acquired magical powers. No one could stand against him! No one! But, instead of finishing off the Death Eaters, he decided to leave. Cause, now that he had incredible powers, what was the need to kill Voldie? It could wait. Ha ha ha, and Dumbledore always told him that it'd be the power of love that Harry would have! As if! Instead he had effing sweet powers and mayonnaise! (By the way, how did 'the power of love' save him in the 7th book? I won't add more, cause of spoilers. But... seriously, how?) So Harry apparated away, leaving the civilians to the mercy of Death Eaters.
And now he was in the middle of a forest, he sat on the ground for a few hours before going back to Diagon Alley. He hadn't yet visited the bank! So he visited the bank, and the goblins were lovely just so nice and kind. Cause, you know, they usually are. And Griphook's eyes welled up with tears when Harry said 'please' to him. It reminded Harry of Dobby. Anyway, cause of Harry's unfailing politeness, he got an in with the runner of the bankish thing. And you always said that politeness doesn't pay off! Pshaw! Well, I proved you wrong! Any who, it turns out that Harry was richer than anyone thought //gasp// and had tons of houses //gasp// and owned half of the companies in the world //gasp// and had all sorts of nifty cool things that'll serve no purpose later, but it's fun making Harry seem even cooler than he was originally. AND Harry finds a letter from his parents! Cause they anticipated their deaths! That's where Harry inherited the 'emo' from! YAY! So Harry reads the letter, and it tells him to 'Avenge me! Avenge me!' so, instead of hunting down Wormtail and injuring him, he interprets it as telling him to take revenge against the Order for no particular reason. Yay!
So Harry apparates to Grimmauld Place (forgot to tell you earlier, Harry suddenly knew how to apparate) and walks in. They all gasp. //gasp// Then Harry gets all pissy, and yells. Teen angst, much? Then Dumbledore gets all 'it's alright, my boy'. So Harry breaks his nose again. Then Tonks cheers. Because, it has to be Tonks, y'know? Because Harry needs some sort of female companion, otherwise he'd never have fun... playing Scrabble. Besides, who doesn't want to date a Metamorphagus (cough cough) that just happens to be an Auror AND your late godfather's cousin?
Anyway, Harry kicks everyone out (cause it's his house) because he's pissed and doesn't give a rat's ass about their lives. Well, everyone except Tonks. Hermione and Ron feel betrayed, but Harry knows something. Cause he's now way more totally awesomely more powerful than Dumbledore, he read his mind and found out that their years of friendship have been a lie and they're only his friends to spy on him! It's all because Ron's jealous (Harry gets new socks, he doesn't) and Hermione worships Dumbledore (seriously, she has a shrine and hair clippings).
So now Harry has a house, a Metamorphagus (cough cough), a bunch of random stuff that has NO importance to the plot, and a moody, PMSing house elf. Isn't life wonderful? So, Harry gets bored (and doesn't want to kill Voldie yet) so he redecorates the entire house! Yay! Using special magic spells that only he knows because his mom was actually a pureblood witch whose family produced all sorts of cool spells and stuff but never told anyone because they're just cool and they didn't want people using them for fear that they'd do bad, bad things with them instead of good, good things and has anyone else notice just how long this sentence is? Anyway, he eliminates Mrs. Black's pretty picture (poor Walburga) and makes the entire house pretty! Before long, they run out of food and alcohol, so Harry goes out to get some. He gets shot with a tranquilizer dart.
He wakes up at Hogwarts where they're holding him captive (students get held hostage all the time) and explain it's for the 'greater good'. And he explains how the hell is kidnapping him for the 'greater good'. They give him a bagel and he shuts up. And then cause he has super cool powers and friends, Dobby does the elf-popping thing, and frees Harry. Harry's pleased and starts a house elf army so they can kick people's bums. He quickly puts a stop to the idea of a house elf mafia. However cool that may be, it isn't ethical.
Anyway, he returns home and gets Dobby to get food and alcohol (notice how much attention he gives to alcohol) for him. And then Voldemort decides, hey, I've been quiet for too long. So, on a whim, he //gasp// attacks Hogwarts, isn't that just dandy? So now people are dying, blah blah blah. What Harry's really worried about is the fact that his bagel supplier is about to be killed, maimed, and destroyed (who doesn't place bagels above lives?).
Harry pops over to Hogwarts, desperate to save the bagels. Once there, people are all 'Thanks Merlin! Harry'll save us!' but he walks by them to the kitchens (Ha! Take that, butterflies!). Once there he gathers the house elves, he sends half a dozen to transfer any and all bagels to Grimmauld Place while he and they others fight Voldiekins. Harry arms them with enchanted spoons (I like spoons) and pumpkin juice (I've never tried pumpkin juice, but I like apple juice). Then they all march up to where the battle was.
At the sight of the enraged, insane, frothing at the mouth, and slightly homicidal house elves, the Death Eaters burst out laughing, they fall to the floor. That's the last mistake they'll ever make, the house elves fall upon them, gouging with the spoony's and pouring the juicey in the gougeys (What? It's an irritant!) until all the Death Eaters were cowering blobs on the floor. House elves are ca-razy. So, don't piss 'em off.
Anyway, Harry's all 'Why not kill Voldie now? I'll be proactive!'.
So Harry walks up to Voldemort and looks at him. And they look at each other. And everyone looks at them looking at each other. And, suddenly, Fish Eye appears out of nowhere. He spouts out some Star Wars quote (I'd put one, but as I've never seen the movies, this would be rather difficult) and hands Harry his fish eye. Harry takes the fish, looks at it, then looks at Tommy (Yes! His name is now Tommy!).
Tommy looks at the fish, and then looks at Potter. The supposed to be fighting people look at the fish, then Harry, then Tommy. Suddenly, Harry throws the fish at Tommy; it hits him and slides slimily down his face (Ew ew ew!). Tommy looks up just in time to see Harry shoot Mayonnaise out of his wrist (Y'know how Spiderman does? Yeah, like that). Oddly enough, Tommy was deadly allergic to Mayonnaise. He only had enough time to scream 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' (Very, very loudly. And very, very drawn out.) before melting and turning into a pile a sliced cucumbers (That's what wizards turn into when they die). Everyone cheered, except the Death Eaters, cause they were emo.
Then the wizarding world was happy and gave Harry all the free bagels he wanted. Which was a lot.
EPILOGUE: Voldemort was dead (Yes, actually dead this time) and people were happy. But a new evil was rising, despite Harry's objections; the house elves had formed a mafia. And we all know how scary they can be. But that's another wickedly awesome cool rad story for another wickedly awesome cool rad day.
A/N: Erm... I honestly can't explain just what I was thinking when I wrote this. It's just... very messed up. Oh well. It started as me mocking several overused plot ideas and it turned into me being an idiot.
Oh, I honestly have nothing against ANY of the things I mocked; most of them are in a lot of my favourite stories. That's probably why I had read enough of them to mock them, lol.