Something Like You

by Clarkeyfangirl

An attempt to get inside the very scene that got me hooked on Chryed. Read and enjoy. And, please, leave reviews, let me know what you think of it! /xxx

For my third fic I decided to try to get inside the minds of our Chryed during the very scene that actually got me hooked, made me a Chryedian and a Clarkeyfangirl. This is for the wonderful, crazy people at WFCTGIO in general and for Meg_icy in particular. She took a challenge and came through with flying colors. This is for you, love, hope you like it ; )

And I'd like to give a huge thanks to Rome81 for all the inspiration, re. the emotional background leading up to this scene, I found in your amazing BTTB-fic. xxx

No copyright infringement intended, the characters belong to BBC and EastEnders.

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'Meet me at the unit'.

That's what his text said. Nothing more, nothing less. After the whole weekend of absolutely nothing and after today when he's basically ignored me off the face of the earth. And I don't like being ignored. Not by him.

I've been sitting here for more than thirty minutes now. I have never been one to wait for any guy so why am I still here? Because I have to be. Don't know exactly why but I have to talk to him. I need him to admit that there was something there, that something happened. I can't stand him just ignoring it. And I have to try and understand what is going on here. It happened so quickly I hardly knew what hit me.

I turn him around to make him tell me why he so suddenly seems to have such a problem with me being open about who I am… I never felt like it was a problem with him before. But something has shifted slightly in the last couple of days. There's a little bit of tension there that hasn't been there earlier. There have been looks… Sudden slight brushes and touches that startles him and sometimes makes me jump too.

Why it is so important to me to know what he really thinks of me I don't know, but for whatever reason I just have to know. He swings around and as I meet his eyes it's right there. I can do nothing, say nothing, only keep looking. In one single second all the previous defenses are gone, it's like a mask has been removed and in his face… there it is. There is no resentment… no disgust… he… wants me? The surprise rush through me and I feel like I've just opened my eyes… I am good at this, I've played the game… countless times… How have I not seen it? How have I not seen him before? Am I really that blind?

It seems so clear now. So blatantly obvious. How have I not seen myself before? Seen the reason why I enjoy his company, why I look forward to seeing him, why I so often just seem to be… drawn to him. But I haven't, and now it's like I see him for the first time ever and all the little strange signs, that I only now realise have been there, points to one thing alone. I want him too. Oh, yes I do… How I want him… And then I feel him. His hot breath as he slowly, slowly come closer… his lips… first barely touching mine but sending multiple shivers down my spine… For a few seconds… or minutes… or hours, I have no idea, we stand still, locked into each other. I see all the emotions in his eyes… anticipation…excitement… anguish… and a plea for… more? And then… the heat again... those lips again… bolder this time, demanding… as greedy as my own… just makes me forget about anything else…

My heart pounds right now, thinking about it. What happened between him and me was… I guess I don't have any other word than right for it. And honest. There was no playing around. That connection we had, it was there, it was real, I felt it. I saw it in his eyes as well. I felt it in his body, finally so relaxed next to mine, all tension gone. I know I did. So what happened?

Where did that man go, the one I at last opened my eyes and saw? The one with the big dark eyes filled with lust, filled with desire? That man with the sweetest, softest lips making my skin burn when they touched it? The one with the fingers that would leave hot, tingling trails wherever they drew their patterns on my face, my arms, my chest… So lightly first but soon more and more needy, wanting… craving... I shiver slightly. I can still feel his fingers… his lips… Where did all that go? I understand part of what has happened, but I don't completely get it. From totally honest, to nothing at all…

As I pour myself another drink I hear someone coming through the door. My heartbeat fastens. Why? No idea. And then he is here. I force myself not to swing around and look at him.

'What kept ya?' I try to stay calm and cool. I'm surprised that I find it a bit difficult and I use putting the cap back on the bottle as something to focus on. He gives me no answer though I can see him out of the corner of my eye, standing in the doorway.

'I was beginning to think you weren't coming… Although, with the way you've been acting today, I was quite surprised to get your text really…' I'm managing the casual bit pretty well, but still no reaction from him. 'So… where's the lovely lady think you are?'

Nothing. I turn the chair around to face him and it hits me again. He is so damn gorgeous. He is looking at me so intensely I just want to… to… well, I want to pull him close and kiss him until he begs for mercy… and other things… No. I stop my thoughts right there. I could think like that about any of the other men I've had. But now it just doesn't feel right. Not with him. So I stop right there.

'Alright, fair enough, none of my business…' I acknowledge. But I have to know more. Now that he's finally here, I can't scare him away right away, I have to make him stay a little while. How? No idea. Quickly I just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind.

'Drink?' Oh well, Christian, that's just brilliant. Exactly what needed to be said right now… Inside I applaud the marvellous skills I'm exhibiting.

'I didn't come here to drink with you...' A clear dismissive tone in his voice. He takes a breath and shifts his eyes to look just beside me instead. 'Look, last week, what happened…'

'It was good.' I can't stop myself from interrupting him.

'It was a mistake.' He looks at me again. His voice seems so sure on the surface, determined to convince… who? But I see something else in his eyes. If I hadn't heard him, I'd say it was a cry for help. 'It never happened… I've forgotten about it, and I want you to forget it too.'

Breaking our eye contact, I am not surprised at what he says. Not really. I saw it coming from a long distance after the weekend and today. Doesn't help much, though. Still feels like a big slap over the face. Did I actually think he was going to say anything else? Not really. So why do I feel like I have had the air knocked out of me?

'And that's why you came here is it? To tell me that?'

He doesn't say anything, just stands there, his eyes darting around. Searching for support. The thought drifts through my mind and I once again wonder what it is that I see in those eyes of his. I can't make it fit in with the words he is saying. Like I said then, I don't get him. Not completely. With a sigh I decide to go with the words since I cannot do much else.

'OK, we're through… maybe time will mend my broken heart…' I say just a little sarcastically, not letting him see how confused I am right now. What is it they say…? Hide it in the most obvious place and no one will think to look after it there? Wait… where did that thought come from? What did I mean…? I don't have time to think about that before…

'And I don't want you talking to anyone about me.'

You don't? Like I haven't figured that out already. He is difficult, but not that difficult to read. I can't resist teasing him a bit.

'What about when Amira asks me why I'm so sad?'

He is clearly a bit thrown at that, but I'm irritated that he could think I would go around making him… what happened… the gossip of the square or something. What does he think I'm like, honestly?

It was not the right thing to do apparently, he is really annoyed, comes up to me again, looking more intense than ever.

'You keep your mouth shut!' he demands.

'OK.' I say, trying to calm him down. No point in taking it any further. But he's clearly not done yet.

'Look, whatever assumptions you made about me, you were wrong.'

Assumptions? I thought I had some pretty straightforward evidence to go by… But again, no point… He's determined not to admit anything, so what can I do?

'If you say so' is all I can respond with right now.

'I'm not like you… I'm normal.' he says and I'm a little lost for words for a few seconds.

So we're going down that road, are we? No. Absolutely not. I have fought too long and too hard to get where I now finally am with myself to let him do this to me.

'Right, you're normal. I'm normal!' I answer him more vehemently than I meant to. But this is something I simply can't stand.

'I'm proper normal…' he says. I am completely lost for words now. That tone, that dismissal again. From him... 'And my girlfriend's waiting for me.'

He makes it as if to leave without saying anything else. No. I can't let him leave like this, I just can't. Grasping for anything to go by, I try the cool and casual again.

'Syed, I get it, alright? You're not interested in me.' He stops at the door and turns back. 'At least stay and have a drink.'

'I don't drink' it comes automatically from him.

'Orange juice then.' I'm actually not far from begging now, though he doesn't seem to notice. He's not getting away this easily. I can't let him go just yet. This riddle has been unsolved for long enough. With that thought I find the excuse I need. 'We've gotta work together, we're gonna have to get along.'

He says nothing, but makes no move to leave either. I put my own drink back on the desk and get up.

'Get you a glass shall I?'

As I pass him in the doorway I can't help but getting in a little too close. My body acts as if on its own… and the doorway is narrow. I just have to smell his scent again. And yes, I admit, I want to see his reaction. I want to see if I can get to him, even just a little bit. I hear him catch his breath when I squeeze past him but he looks away. Says nothing.

As I get the glass for him I notice my hands are trembling. I don't know what this is. It's not like anything else. I have never had this happen before. Not something like this.

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I have come absolutely nowhere in these last few days. Keeping him at distance, ignoring him over the weekend, being dismissive of him today, having this conversation… It was supposed to put everything away again. I would put it in the darkest corners, lock it up far, far away where it needs to be. Like I did for weeks before Friday. Still, I am at the exact same spot again. Here. With him. Not able to leave. Not able to think about anything else. Anyone else. And that's just because he passed me in the door.

My heart is still pounding so hard I can hardly hold my glass steady. Every time he comes close my brain melts and I forget everything else. Just being here, talking to him makes it all come back and it can't. It can not. It makes me forget about all the reasons for avoiding him that I have repeated to myself time and time again. I forget about my parents. About the business. I forget about Amira. I can hardly think straight but only of my need to see him… touch him… be with him… No! No, no, no. I am NOT going there again. It's over, I have made up my mind. Made it up the only way I can.

I promised myself so solemnly that I would do absolutely anything to make things work if my parents ever let me back in the family again. I hurt them so much then, and I can't let that happen again. I simply cannot. I vowed to myself that I would be the son they deserved if I got a second chance, and I am going to be. Anything else… will just have to stay locked away.

But it is so hard. As he sits on the desk in front of me I can't even look at him for fear of what I might do, where my mind might go. He on the other hand is all calm. Sitting there like nothing just happened, like this is just casual. He seems to have given up his attempts to make me admit there was something there on Friday. But he says nothing else either and it's starting to make me nervous. I can't figure him out right now. Does he care at all? And why do I care whether he does or not?

'Amira seems like a fine girl.' It comes from him, calmly, after minutes of silence. That's not really what I expected him to say, but it's something, I guess.

'Well, we're good together. She's everything I want. She… she's beautiful, makes me laugh. She's sexy.'

My eyes go to him when I say sexy and I curse myself silently but can't help it. I only know I have to see his reaction to it. None at all. Amira is sexy, though. Anyone can see that. She should be everything I ever wanted. I thought she would be. She will be.

'Shame you can't sleep with her.'

I can't actually tell if he means to mock me or not.

'She's from a good family.'

I automatically answer as if I didn't see the double meaning. I am a good Muslim boy. She is a good Muslim girl. Of course that's why I couldn't sleep with her.

'Gotta protect her reputation.' He nods as he says it, pretending that that is what we are talking about. I don't know exactly where he is going with it but I am grateful for the respite.

'It's important'

Again I go for the easy way out, the closest excuse I can find. Reputation is important. How things appear is important.

'Plus you don't fancy her.'

And there it is. Totally under the belt. I should have known that he wasn't finished. That he'd ambush me.

'I do!' My well trained defenses come to the rescue and I react instinctively. I look up at him sternly, in an attempt to persuade… to make him… make me… I don't know who I'm trying to convince anymore.

Shaking his head a little, clearly he doesn't believe me.

'I've been with straight blokes before, you know. Playing away from home…' He pins me with those eyes. 'The other night you weren't playing. That was real.'

I can't stand him looking at me like that. His eyes are too piercing. They see too much. They come too close. It has to stop. Now.

'Don't you ever give up?' Not exactly an answer to what he said, but it's the best I can do right now to keep him at least at a little distance.

'I'd just like you to be… I dunno, a little bit honest?'

I can't even remember the last time I was honest. Mentally rolling my eyes at the thought of me being truthful I feel the defenses going up again, making me say what I have to say.

'I'm not interested in you.' I make my voice as convincing as I can and look at him as steadily as my pounding heart will let me.

'So that's why you came onto me is it?' He is having none of my acting anymore.

'I didn't!' The lies just come so naturally to me now that I wonder if I'll be able to tell any truths ever again.

'Oh, come on Syed, we both know that's not true.'

I could try, but I can't say out loud that it is. There's no point lying to him, really. Somewhere I feel a tiny little part of me that likes the fact that there is someone who sees and knows. Someone I can't lie to. But I know that's far too dangerous. A flash of anger rushes through me. I am so angry with myself that I'm pulled out of my state and I realize I might as well use that anger to my advantage. Use it at him.

'What am I doing here anyway' I snap. I need to get out. I can't stand this much longer. 'Just as long as we're clear. The other night never happened.'

I make a run for it and am almost out of the room…

'You can tell yourself as many stories as you like.'

He just won't let it rest. He can't even pretend to believe me. I turn around, still really irritated. With him, but most of all with myself.

'You want me to beg you, is that it?'

I know that's not what he wants but I have to avoid the truth at all costs. I have to hide everything that I would honestly like to say or do. I hoped all of this would be behind me by now, but it isn't. It definitely isn't. I am so fed up with what my life has become.

'I don't like liars.'

I don't like myself either… But that is not the point here. Damage control is the point right now.

'I won't beg you!' I stick with the path I've chosen, ignoring what he implies.

He doesn't take the bait. Of course he doesn't.

'Syed, all I'm trying to say is the other night…' The simple tone of sincerity in his voice scares me to no end.

'Nothing happened!' I interrupt him, hoping to stop him before he says anything else.

'…it felt good to me!' He is almost pleading now, still with that tone of honesty and truth…

'Nothing happened!' I shout again, not able to think of anything new to say.

I'm desperate, I have to make him stop. But he doesn't, I should have known.

'And I think it felt good to you too.'

He stands up from the sofa. Close. Way too close. Looking at me like that, with those eyes… Why? Why does he think he can just see right through me like that? Why does he think he knows? Because he can. Because he already does. How am I going to be able to keep this up if he does that?

I look him in the eyes for as long as I can stand it and when I can speak again I try for a last resort.

'OK. Go ahead. Shout it out, go out on the street and tell whoever you like.'

'It felt right' is his only response.

Stop! Don't say that! There is so much sincerity there that I'm panicking as I hear a little voice in the back of my mind saying Yes! Yes it did! The thoughts are just manically tumbling around in my head… I have to shut that voice up somehow. I have to shut him up.

'I'll say you're lying.' I have finally come up with some sort of a plan and I'm not letting him disturb me when I try to carry it out.

'Look, I understand your religion…'

I continue without listening to him, I have to do this and I have to do it now.

'I'll say you came onto me and I wasn't interested. You're just a sad old queen who doesn't understand when he's not wanted.'

'Syed..!' his voice is one of total disbelief, his eyes widen with shock… with… pain? No, I won't let myself think of that now. I have to do this, and I have to do it as nasty as I can. Not leave anything standing so it can ever be repaired.

'Find yourself a mirror, old man. Look in it and ask yourself: why would I wanna mess around with something like you?' I can see him flinch and I feel something ice cold gripping at my insides. But I can't stop now, so I just spit it at him. 'The other night never happened. And if you say otherwise, I'll say you're a liar. A lonely, pathetic, no life liar.'

As I turn around to leave I loathe myself more than I have ever done in my entire life. I must get out, I can't even think anymore. I rush out of the room and up the stairs feeling like I'll fall apart any second.

So this is who I am now? Someone who doesn't hesitate in crushing another person for his own selfish reasons? Someone who can't open his mouth without the lies just spilling out? I said I'll call him a liar and yet I am the one who will lie to anyone. About anything. Only to save my own skin. I've gotten so good at that, I've had years of practice. But right now I can't lie to myself.

I have willfully attempted to hurt another person. I never thought I could do this to anyone. And I did it not just to anyone. To him. The one person I can't stop thinking of, that I can't keep my eyes off, my hands off… And what has he done to deserve it? Nothing. All he wanted was some truth… some honesty…

I flee up the stairs, the picture of his eyes burning in my brain. His devastated eyes. His crumbling face. Those sparkling eyes, that mischievous face... that smile. All those things I have been doing anything and everything to get to see since the first time I laid eyes on him… Now they're gone.

As soon as I am at the top of the stairs my knees buckle and I sink to the floor, my back against the wall. I don't have the energy to care that he might come out of the office any minute. I don't have the energy to get up even though Amira is waiting for me. It feels like I'm being sentenced... doomed... For several minutes I am sitting there shaking, tears burning behind my eyes. I have this huge weight on my chest and can hardly breathe. It hurts. Physically hurts.

I have never had this happen to me before. Something like this. Something like him.

I summon all willpower I have and get on my feet and out of there.

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Thank you for being with me all the way here. Reviews? Why, thank you, they are absolutely lovely to have!