,'''''''''''''''''' ,

« ' ' ' ' ' ' ETERNAL s l e e p . . . . . . ×

',,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,'

There's still much time left. So much time left. Too much time left.

691,200 seconds…

Or equals to 11,520 minutes, which I can spend to think, think, think, and think until my brain rots.

Well, I love thinking. People often say that you'll die young if you think too much everyday.

Besides, flying to the sky will be nice, especially with wings on your back and something shiny above your head, with the angels smiling down at you.

- - - - - × - - - - -

:: 8 days left ::

Maybe it's true how a human always needs another human to live. But hey, a human also needs another human to die.

Like I do.

This small town is just the same with the others. When I walk alone only with my suitcase accompanying me, when I lift my face up and see them – those people who live in a different way with mine…

I feel like I'm dying desperately.

Everyday, their hands are not empty. There's always warmth inside them, the warmth from the hands they are holding. The warmth from the heart of people they are holding onto, the warmth I always seek every night, the warmth I've never had before. I wonder how it tastes like, the warmth of their heart.

But I only tighten my hold on my suitcase, exhaling for my own line of life.

The different line with theirs…

The line of life which is about to end and disappear.

Wait up. What day is today, can you guess?

No?

Well, no one will remember, though. Not even when those people who have ruined my life were still alive, with their eyes glaring at me as if I was the one who had separated them, also as if I was the only reason of their fights at home. As if I was the one who made my mother cry every night instead of staying beside me, to read their daughter a fairytale or something. As if I was the one who made my father drink until he was badly drunk and started hurting my mother.

The only lesson I get from my lovely parents is not to believe in other people but yourself, because it'll just leave a scar within you won't be recovered.

But I already have scars.

Many. Too many scars.

If I don't have scars, I won't be here, staring at you, my new diary. I won't write on you like I'm doing now, trying to make you understand how I feel… How long I have been hiding these scars, this pain, these hopeless thoughts, this dying body. How long I have been trying to heal the wounds but only to find them hurt me more. I'm trying to make you understand how I feel… although I perfectly know there's no way you can understand what I say, since you are only a book; a dead thing. You don't have a brain. You can't even think. And my tears won't roll down my cheeks and fall onto you.

If I don't have scars, I won't be telling you that today is my birthday.

This is the second time I celebrate my birthday without hearing my parents' fights again. Well, there's an opportunity that they died two years ago, eh? They won't be able to fight again. Isn't it nice? Pretty nice, I tell you.

But I'm still crying tonight.

I guess… missing their fights means missing their forced smile towards me - which happened sometimes in the past - , missing my mother's little ugly cake, missing my father's ugly doll for my present, and missing the silence when we supposed to sing for my celebration.

It's so weird how I miss them now. The useless, awkward, and hurting things surrounded me back then, which I only shared with the people who had ruined my life.

- - - - - × - - - - -

:: 7 days left ::

I fell asleep yesterday, sorry.

By the way, I've been wanting to ask you this since this morning.

Am I a ghost already?

This morning, they stared at me like I was a ghost or somewhat. As if they knew there was something wrong in me, behind this skin. For me, they just did the same like everyone else did, not wanting to be close with someone unfriendly. I came from a big city after all, and they made the distance first.

Well, I'm not seeking for peace.

I only want to think, think, and think until my brain rots. Until my brain rots, until this body falls losing its soul, then I won't be able to think anymore.

I'm not seeking for sorry from anyone who banged into me for his stupidity. I won't keep that sorry, not longer than the last following week I'm going to spend in my life.

Seven days… when some of them I'll spend shrieking in pain because of this dying body. I don't regret going to face it myself, since it's my own fault for abandoning the medicine.

- - - - - × - - - - -

:: 6 days left ::

Why does anyone bother to tell me to go to school?

Those guys I saw before had the same class with me, also him. I remember his face, his silver hair, aquamarine eyes, and all. It's only him who smiled to me… Or is it only because I unfortunately get a desk right beside his?

No. No one is allowed to give me a hope, not even the slightest one. Please, my mind, forget the hope. Forget the small light which nearly gets its chance to lighten my dark heart. Forget it. Forget it. Forget it. Forget it…

- - - - - × - - - - -

:: 5 days left ::

Riku. It's his name, that stupid guy's name.

Did he enjoy seeing me cry hopelessly? Didn't he know that he nearly took my thoughts out of me, by taking this book – taking you away from me? My thoughts are only the most important things left for me. Why does everyone want to kill me so much? Right, I admit it, I'm dying. I want to die. I don't have enough time to think. My brain soon will rot. I'm actually waiting until this week ends, waiting for my death. Can't they let me keep at least only one thing, just for myself, in my last days?

How he dared laughing when I was hopeless.

I couldn't run to take you back from him. I wasn't able to do anything much, not even to walk properly. So what did I do? I cried. I cried on my hopeless state to stop him, to stop his laughter and his stupid joke along. I cried to make everyone glare at him for his mistake taking you away from me. I cried to make him give you back to me.

I hate crying.

But now, if by crying I can get you back, if by with crying I can keep you with me until my last days end… then I will cry.

I don't care about my pride anymore, if it's for the most important thing for me.

You, a little black diary of my last days, which will be filled with my last thoughts.

… The day. The day will come soon.

I've told you that I'm dying.

My body weakened. Time passes slowly.

But it's strange how I still have appetite. Now that I'm hungry, I have to get up. No matter what, I have to get up.

And you are going to come with me.

- - - - - × - - - - -

:: 4 days left ::

I woke up, finding the sun was high up, and I wasn't on my bed anymore.

The first thing I found beside my bed was you. It's the only thing that could calm my mind, beside the bouquet of lilies I haven't told you where I got from.

Wait up. I'll explain what happened after I had lunch yesterday, what made me fall unconscious and wake up really late.

Maybe… it was also my fault for taking you with me. I didn't expect to see him on my way, though.

But yeah, he was there. At first I didn't see him.

He followed me from behind sneakily. I didn't have a clue since when he had been following me. By the time I realized that he was there, he had already taken you again from my hands.

My first reaction was angry. I was so angry and glared at him, feeling my eyes become watery, especially when he laughed again, simply flipping your pages innocently… I instantly stepped forward and slapped him. While he was still in shock, I took you from him, guarding you with my arms.

It was when my tears fell again.

By that moment, I wanted to go away so badly. I tried to.

But he grabbed my wrist.

I couldn't do anything but turn facing him, mentally asking him why… why did he take you from me, why didn't he let me go, and why was he such an annoying guy? I asked him through my eyes. I kept glaring at him, but I didn't talk.

"Wait." He spoke, releasing my hand.

I exhaled and did so. Well, I still glared at him and kept a distance, to prevent him from taking you again. He noticed that and stepped closer, while I kept stepping back.

He finally gave up. "I won't take it from you again." He said, reading my mind.

As an answer, I glared at him again.

"I haven't said something important." He smirked, stepping closer again. "Happy birthday."

I blinked blankly. I thought my ears were fooling me.

He didn't seem to realize that I didn't believe my ears. His aquamarine eyes gazed blankly over my shoulder while I was still wondering if he had said something that I thought he said. It was when he suddenly looked excited. I couldn't deny that my mind was wandering around… In my thoughts, I thought he had lost his interest in me. I thought those guys; the friends of him were standing behind me, or something. I truly didn't think he still wanted to do more for me, for a new and weird person like me. I thought he would walk away, ignoring me, like my former friends always did.

But no, there was no one behind me.

He grabbed my hand, pulling me to run with him without even a single word to explain something. It didn't matter much, though. I was more annoyed when I realized that he was still thinking about me. Soon, I also felt curious when he pulled me to the flower shop, close to where we had been standing before he pulled my hand.

He dragged me in, facing a short brown haired girl who greeted us in innocence.

Inside there, I instantly caught the sight of those flowers. I froze and stared at them. I was lulled into the sorrow within, and reminded of things in the past only because of those white flowers between the tulips and roses.

Then he suddenly pointed his finger at those white flowers and talked to the short brown haired girl, "I want these flowers."

I turned my head, startled. The brown haired girl soon nodded at him. And then a blonde haired girl took her place, wrapping those white flowers and tying the stems into one bundle.

Before I could understand the situation, he finally released my hand to take his wallet.

That was when I just realized that he had been holding my hand for that long. While he left me behind to pay the lilies, I stared at his back. Did he think I would run away if he didn't hold my hand? To think about it now, really, there was no slightest thought in my mind to run away. From that morning, I couldn't even walk properly. So how would I run?

The brown haired girl gave the bouquet to him, and he handed it to me.

I hated the smile he gave me when we were about to leave the shop.

"You like them?" He asked with a smirk, pulling my hand again.

I neither liked nor hated lilies. This feeling had died long ago, in my mother's funeral… died along with her soul, I should say. She liked lilies. Sadly she didn't get any – she couldn't get any lilies in her birthdays. So that was why I had sent as many lilies as I could send for her when we buried her. But he – my father, had spilled his wine on those flowers, reddening them. Even in my mother's funeral, he couldn't stop fighting. Being the only little girl who had never seen people fight like that, a hand blocked my sight from the back and took me away from the fight, from my mother.

Riku didn't complain about the silence I made. He still held my hand, and I saw his grin.

We walked faster.

I only followed him.

But then the bouquet fell from my hand…

And then I didn't remember anything.

Today, when I woke up, I also found a familiar person beside my bed.

At first, I couldn't believe that he was there, in that small town. But… maybe… I'm not good at hiding after all.

If this world was a field with uncountable hidden places, there would be times when I was found hiding behind a tree, although I knew from another view I could be seen. But to tell you the truth, I couldn't hide in a deep hole or something more hidden. My own mind disallowed me to… because sometimes, I was afraid of depth, where I couldn't move because of this fright.

So, in another view, he found me.

Inside, I thought, it was the right time to ask him… why.

He was the one who blocked my sight when my father fought. He was the one who offered me a place to stay which I refused to receive. He was the one who told me about my illness. He was the one who secretly gave me medicine momentarily. He was also the only one who talked about my father… and my mother, in good way. Now he was also the one who found me.

He just asked me how I felt.

I told him that I felt… not really good. I said, maybe I only needed rest.

Then he left me without a word.

Below the bouquet, I see now, there's a paper pinched against the table. I take it. There's a short note written on it, anonymously.

"I'll see you this afternoon after school."

- - - - - × - - - - -

:: 3 days left ::

I'm really not good at hiding.

I sneaked out of the little hospital yesterday afternoon only to climb up that hill, once I caught its sight through the window. I couldn't say why I had that urge to go up there. Before I could think of it, I was up there already. So I just sat on the grass and lost in my thoughts for a while.

I brought you with me yesterday, so I wasn't alone.

I was about to write something on you at that moment. The hill gave me the calmness that I need, aside from the scene up there. No one would annoy me there, I thought.

But I was wrong again.

"You are hiding here…" That voice spoke behind me in accusation.

That was enough to make me turn my head and glare at him, getting you away from his sight, denying his statement instantly while my heart was throbbing in half anger and hopelessness, "I'm not hiding." I really didn't expect him to come, in fact.

"You are hiding here. I know it." He said again, only to make me feel angrier. Then he continued, "You mustn't get out, by the way."

"I'm fine." I replied rather in annoyance, bowing my head avoiding his eyes. He would find it difficult if he wanted me to be a docile girl.

"You're not fine." He said.

"…I'm not, but it's none of your business."

The wind growled. I didn't hear his voice again.

Somehow, I felt guilty again, at what I had said. I didn't know since when I had realized this, but I knew why people were avoiding me. I was just a little hopeless girl so they only felt pity. Even if they wanted to give me warmth, or hope, my reaction towards their acts prevented them to. Why did I refuse the warmth I wanted to taste so badly?

…Even if they managed to give me the warmth and the hope…

I would still be a little hopeless girl.

I couldn't keep pretending until I die. That was the truth.

"…It's getting cold." He suddenly said.

I didn't manage to reply that, but only shivered a bit. He was right. The wind blew harder and it froze my arms. But I was still sitting there, ignoring the cold. Embracing my knees, I sank my head there and stayed silent.

What happened next was out of my will.

"You are cold." He whispered to my ear, his hands were around my waist.

"Of course I am," I laughed. Surprisingly, my laughter was so bitter. Strangely, I didn't try to release myself from his embrace. For a moment there my tears startled me. Without invitation, without permission, they rolled down my cheek and the wind soon dried them, only to be replaced by other tears. "…It's getting cold, you said. Of course I also become cold."

He embraced me tighter.

"How can I go back if you are still here?" I asked. My mouth betrayed my mind.

He didn't answer.

"Why do you stay here?"

"Giving you warmth," He answered.

Getting my courage back, I pushed his hands away from me and stood up, facing him although tears were still rolling down from my eyes.

"You can't beat the wind, you know." I said and I walked back here.

"Naminé…," He called my back. I just resumed walking away. He didn't follow me, but I still could hear his voice clearly. "Naminé, don't die."

No.

He's also not allowed to give me warmth. It's too late.

And I shouldn't bind him in the darkness… because I love him.

- - -

I hope I'll still be able to write on you again tomorrow. My hand… it's…shaking. In some moments it feels numb, the other moment I manage to write, although it always trembles while I do so.

Tonight is also cold, colder than up there on the hill.

By the way, there are new lilies beside my bed. I found them when I woke up.

Have I told you that white lilies are flowers for grieve? Maybe Riku didn't know this.

- - - - - × - - - - -

:: 2 days left ::

Once the morning came, I climbed up here again. I like this place very much, somehow. You know why, don't you?

One more day. Just one more day.

Staying there, I feel the same like people say you'll feel whenever you are waiting for something. Time seems to run slowly for me. Maybe it's only my thought. Ten minutes feel like hours. Then I'm lost in my thoughts.

I let my body fall backwards onto the grass and I close my eyes. The wind is as cold as ever.

And then I hear footsteps.

- - -

Riku… I still can't believe what he had done.

This morning…

The footsteps drove me to get up. "Riku," I turned my head. Then I realized why I felt strange when I climbed up the hill. "You've been following me since this morning, right?"

"So you know." He scratched his head and smirked. "Naminé, I said you mustn't get out."

"And I said it's none of your business."

I had nothing more to do on that hill. The doctor would soon realize that I wasn't on my bed anymore, though. So I stood up and was about to go away from his sight. But I knew he watched my back. I only ignored the intent gaze on my back and walked…

But then I fell on my knees and I dropped you. My eyes weren't focused.

I felt his hand again, grabbing my arm to prevent me from falling. At that, I chuckled weakly.

"See?" He sighed. "You mustn't get out."

I pulled my hand away from his. "I'm alright. I just feel a bit dizzy."

He ran a hand to my forehead. "…You are even colder than before."

"Look," My cold voice took its turn again while I glared at him. "I don't need your pity."

I had never seen such an expression like that on his face. He squeezed my shoulder, causing me wince in pain and my eyes became watery. "It… it hurts!" I stammered. But he still had that anger in his eyes and he squeezed my shoulder harder. It really hurt. I couldn't help but whimper as I tried to look away.

"Look at me." He shook my shoulder. "Look at me!!"

I shook my head.

Then he held my head in the way I couldn't look away from him and my tears fell. They just fell and I sniffed hopelessly, feeling my body weaken. And I felt his lips pressed against mine.

He still held my head and I ran my hands to his.

"Don't give me hope, Riku…" I whispered between my tears. "Don't give me… a reason… to live longer…"

He only stared at me and he breathed faster while I whimpered over and over.

He let me go.

He went away.

- - - - - × - - - - -

:: 1 day left ::

He was beside me when I woke up.

He also didn't say anything, but just stared at me.

I stared back at him, still lying on the bed; there was only the silence spoke between us. I really hated that silence. If only I had some strength to smack him because he made me feel remorse I had never felt, then I would. Of course I would. But… I didn't have enough strength to do that for sure. Not physically, nor mentally. I was just too weak.

My hands were also too weak.

After a while I finally managed to get up from the bed, ignoring the pain I felt. It was a lot easier once the dizziness disappeared. I slowly tried to stand up, exhaling.

"Where are you going?" He finally asked.

Maybe that was my first purpose to go out, to climb up the hill again. I ignored his words completely and went out my room, apparently persuading him to follow me.

I was selfish, you know? Really, really selfish. I refused to accept what was surely good enough for me to get. I claimed for more than enough. Then in the end, although there were rare times where I could get more than enough as I wanted, I would refuse them again. After all, it was me who doomed myself to lose the warmth in my hands.

The warmth was like water. It flowed down making my hands wet, leaving them by drops which fell to the ground, which I wouldn't be able to get them again. Then my hands would only grip onto the little puddle on my palm, only to cause the water splash around. Keeping a few drops of water was too useless, while the sun dried them to become your breath. It was so difficult to breathe after that. It felt like breathing sharp pieces of ice that would hurt your lungs.

This far, the warmth that I sought only passed me, leaving pain within me which only went deeper, slicing my heart into pieces I wouldn't manage to pile up again. When I realized that, I still couldn't get the warmth as much as I wanted it would be. While this heart was shattered, his warmth only deepened the wounds in me, reminding me of the only remaining time for me in my whole life.

There's no way for the pain to be healed.

But it can be covered, because he gives me warmth.

Is it a right thing to do, to be this selfish? Not really. But you know, if you've gone this far, you couldn't regret in the middle. You only could go forward as usual and receive the payback in the end of your way.

So, goodbye.

I'll bury you somewhere on this hill after this. Under the tree that I usually leaned against to, maybe? I think that's a good idea. On this hill, my memories will be kept.

On this hill, I write on you in these last three days.

On this hill, I thought much.

On this hill, I realized that I still have warmth inside me.

On this hill, he gave me hope.

On this hill, I will bury my memories forever.

On this hill… I'll tell him that I love him.

So, goodbye now, my memories.

Stay here, okay?

- - - - - × - - - - -

× i decided to rewrite this, because i love the main idea. this fict is also a sequel for Immunity, which is still in progress… gee bad me! by the way, i hope you'll understand the pov in this fict. it's from her side, writing on a book.
× i can't say whether naminé would die or not. well, from the title, maybe you'd say that she would die. but individually, i want her to be happy. the title could refer to the eternal sleep of her diary, though. so, which one do you think is better?

dedication : miyori,

because…
× you said you loved namiku. hahaha. some things really could change!
× we keep imagining. us, not only one person. the reality, is in our hands.
× ilytm and i want to kill you. -jkjkjk-
× and thanks so much for beta-ing this… you helped me out, really. xD

c a r a m e r u