Chapter 1

Beginning of Bella's Torture:

Bella thought Edward would stay with her forever. But then he left. Bella just stopped...stopped getting up, eating, brushing her teeth, and so on. Then the numbness set in. It was a welcoming relief to her constant aching and loneliness, but even the numbness became too overwhelming. She had started to loose his memory, Fearing the loss of him, she blindly pinched herself so hard, she cried fresh tears. The pain came back and hit her hard, like a bus smashing her to ground. It was like being stung by a thousand bees that never stopped stinging. She cried and sobbed and then heaved and shook herself when all the tears were gone. In the end, the sobbing and crying turned into numbness and shock. And then the cycle repeated itself. To Bella, the pain was just too much. Never knowing if she would make it through the nights for fear of loosing him to the bleak emptiness of her dreams. So she stayed awake; vowing to never forget. She just wanted him to come back...needed him to come back.

She had never felt anything like this. Dying inside yourself that is, is a slow death. It does not happen immediately. Bella experienced it like most, except for her, death seemed like centuries of suffering. She denied it and refused to believe until nothing was left, except anger and hate. Then...she lost herself. Needing him to save her from her torment, she sat in her mother's rocking chair, rocking back and forth in front of the window for hours, then days, then weeks, months...waiting for him. He never came.

She could go on, but what would be the point? Without him she felt nothing like she was not whole. She would fall asleep in the that same rocking chair night after night from tears and exhaustion, dreaming of him and his smell, his sweet scent and his wonderful eyes searching hers... hers searching his for answers neither one could give. Eventually day became night and night became day; reality and dreams becoming one. She imagined Edward with bronze tousled hair, his golden eyes, his strong hands and fingers. touching her and holding her. She imagined him walking toward her or sometimes if she couldn't breathe or move, he would just stand there and stare at her with love and sorrow in his face...Always reaching for her...telling her to be careful, to not let herself go, for Charlie. After all she promised him. Bella knew he was just an illusion, but oh how she need it. Without him, She felt empty, useless sitting there, wasting away. she tried to get up, tried to start the day because she knew she had to do something, but even doing one small thing was too difficult. She kept at it for a week or so, but she never quite made it out the door.

Time passed like this for so long Charlie was frantic with worry. He called her mother, and arranged for her to go back to Arizona, but Bella screamed and cried and locked herself in her room refusing to leave. She begged her father for understanding, though not sure how he could possibly give it. Charlie, giving no alternative because of fear for her life insisted, saying she needed to go find life again. Bella refused, terrified that she would loose what she had left of Edward. But sure that Charlie would not waver from his decision, she did the only thing she could do...she faked it. Bella started to smile and laugh, went out with Mike and Jessica to the beach. She went shopping for new books and bought clothes with her friends from school. All this just simply to stay close to him...to Edward. Eventually Bella was tired of faking it with so many watching, so she agreed to rent an apartment five blocks from Seattle College where she was a full time student. She chose to be in Seattle instead of Forks, because she knew that if she were to have relief from her onlookers and well wishers, yet still stay close to Forks and her memories of her love, she needed to be here in Seattle. And so she went. For her it was a new start and a brief relief, but it was more then that. it was a break from the boring human life that she had lived before him; before he came into her life. And she was so tired of pretending to care about the little meaningless things in life when all she really wanted was just to be with him.

And so she fell into a routine. Simple but effective. It was enough to throw Charlie and The Gang from the Rez off their "worry about Bella" streak. Bella called her father once a week and hung out with her friends once every two weeks. Her dad always came and visited her when he went fishing for the weekend, claiming interest in her school work and missing her as motive, but really she knew it was his checking up on her..making sure she was still alive, and she graciously humored him. She spoke about shopping and parties she never went to and silly frivolous things such as hair and makeup she never wore. Charlie, wanting to believe her and anxious to see her healthy and happy, listened attentively and filled with relief. Then he would leave her with a pat on her head and a kiss on his cheek from her, and he would leave none the wiser.

This was Bella's life now. She was content with it, even used to it, but no one would know the pain and anguish she felt inside. She still missed Edward immensely and knew that she would never stop loving him and yearning for him. The nights were the worst. Just like every night before, she went to bed and slid into her cotton sheets drowsily closing her eyes. There she fell into a fitful dream of Edward and his cold muscular body beneath her, holding her while his melodic voice lulled her to sleep.

When she woke groggily, stretching her hands up and extending her toes under the covers, she froze. Bella, smelling the faintest scent of vanilla and pine, shot straight up in bed, breathing heavily and fast. She searched the dimly lit bedroom, looking for any sign, any clue that her Edward wasn't a dream, that he had come back; hoping for her angel of darkness to come into the room. After sitting and waiting for what felt like years, Bella slowly got up from bed, disappointed and chastising herself for letting her heart get the best of her. She left her bedroom sad, and angry, muttering to herself about her own nonsense. She flipped the lights on and went into kitchen. She had a nice enough apartment, but it was really tiny and claustrophobic. The kitchen and the living room was one big giant room and the bathroom was so small she had to store the toilet paper and her toiletries in the bath tub, removing them every night to take a shower. But, to Bella it was her own, no one could take it and no one, not even Charlie would be pestering or worrying or asking questions she couldn't answer. And So it was perfect.

Leaning into the cupboard for a glass, Bella shakily set back down on her feet, and slowly turned around. I have to be going out of my mind, that scent...it was just here..I must be hallucinating again. She turned slowing around, eyeing her bedroom, waiting for him to come through the door...but he never did. Bella, unnerved, went quickly to her laundry hamper pulled out a clean black v-necked tshirt, and a pair of skinny jeans with a white belt and black boots, hurriedly dressed, and left the apartment, slightly frazzled. She walked to her psychology class, still thinking about Edward. She sat through her entire class day dreaming, wishing. Eventually class ended and she set out for the closed Starbucks three blocks from campus.

Bella walked down the sidewalk humming Debussy, more relaxed with the incident from the morning safely from her mind. She was drinking a Vanilla Bean Frappuccino with extra whipped topping that the girl behind the counter insisted she try because it was the special and the best thing on the planet...Bella too impatient and thoroughly exhausted with her chipper and happy self, simply agreed and drank it anyway. Coffee was coffee to Bella, but she started to doubt that philosophy with the chipper cashier in her mind. She had left Starbucks from talking with her friend Samantha who had been trying to set her up with her boyfriend's older brother. Bella thought back on the conversation and sighed.

Previously in Starbucks:

"Bella, you can't keep up like this forever. You are not celibate. Maybe this will bring you some spice to your life and a mysterious dark and handsome man to boot!" Samantha, exasperated with Bella for more then one reason, was trying desperately to get Bella to agree to go to a new club on the strip. The strip wasn't like Vegas, but Seattle tried its best to give young college youth entertainment, even if it was just two clubs with a couple of deadbeat bars and low city lights. Bella had been her friend for a year..almost as long as she had been in Seattle, but she had refused to go with her to the club so many times, Samantha started to worry. No ordinary normal girl stays home on Friday nights. Certainly not young, fresh and gorgeous ones such as Bella. And frankly, she was determined to make Bella get a life, even if it meant coercing her into a date with an older guy who probably was too old for the game but young enough to catch a girls eye. Anyway, Bella needed to get out of herself and outside of Edward!

Bella laughed quietly and whispered more to herself, "You have no idea" Then looking at Sam, she said, "Look, I am just not in the right state of mind to be dating anyone, especially your frat boys you so lovingly keep in your little black book... I LOVED Edward and I am still in love with him and I can't just restart my life and ask my heart to forget him. It just isn't that simple."

Sighing with frustration, Samantha looked at Bella and said, "Bella, he left you. This is simple. Move on. Anyone who leaves you is good riddance and he did, so he is definitely on my 'Shit List'. Just come with me to the club and have fun. You don't even have to like this guy. Just go and try it out. You never know, you might have fun"

Bella looked at her friend and sighed. Samantha had been her friend since she had moved to Seattle that first rainy day. She chose Bella; she knew that now, as they were complete opposites like Yin and Yang, Samantha needed a practical element in her life to steady her as Bella needed the happy chipper free spirit to stop herself from fading into nothing.

Though her constant movement and airy persona sometimes became annoying and frustrating, Bella always found she liked Sam's positive attitude and sometimes looked forward to her cheery smile, especially when the darkness of her heart seemed to much to bear. Bella knew before she spoke that she would agree if only to please the lovely Samantha, who all too closely reminded her of someone she loved dearly and missed as much as Edward. Resigning herself to her fate, Bella said, "Fine I'll go" Knowing the night would end like any other night she went with Samantha, but also strangely grateful for the her friend's effort. Squealing and laughing, Sam just grinned and pulled Bella into a quick hug, "you won't regret it!" Smiling and hugging her friend, Bella said goodbye and on her way out shouted, "you owe me one." Bella smiled again and quickly made her way to her apartment building.

Present Time:

Bella continued her walk to her apartment, reaching the door as the sun disappeared behind the trees. Anxious for a reason she couldn't trace, she walked the four sets of stairs with a slight jump to her pace. Finally at her apartment dubbed '136a, with the 'a' looking like a six confusing the mailman more times then she could count, she shuffled inside. Tripping on her feet, she fell to the floor. ow! ugh... Muttering to herself about her clumsiness, she picked herself up and turned to the small stand by the door and reached above the beaded lamp that her mother bought her at Pottery Barn, and flipped on the lights. She smelled him before she saw him. The same scent, the same exquisite feeling of heady fluttering began to creep into her body. Suddenly butterflies and tingling sensations spread to her thighs and legs, moving slowing up to her abdomen creating a cool wispy sensation that she remembered craving all those lonely nights before. She slowly turned from the door to the center of the room; her living room couch coming into view first with its plain but practical tan color and red pillows. She turned further into the room to where her mother's rocking chair was and stopped; she saw him! He was just sitting there, watching her, not saying a word. Fearing the loss of the sweet relief that was suddenly given to her, she refused to move and just stared at the chiseled pale form in front of her. She ached with longing for him, for his arms around her and his sweet lips on hers, but still she would not move. Finally after an eternity of staring and silence, he said, "Bella, sweetheart, breathe."

With a gasp and an exhale of breath, She murmured, "oh" before blacking out into darkness, falling into his arms before she hit the floor.